Today, I found out that my wife was having sex with my friend. It turned out that my genius cat realized it wasn't me there and attacked his balls, severely cutting them. I now have to kill my cat and pay for his medical bills to sew his balls back. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I was jerking off when my cat jumped out of nowhere and dug his claws into my shaft. Attempting to knock him away resulted in three nasty gashes… that I now have to explain to my wife. FML
Today, I took my wife's cat to the vet for her yearly check up. I'm finishing the day at the hospital with multiple bite wounds and a deep gash in my leg. My wife chose to comfort her cat instead. FML
Today, I didn't see the cat in the bathroom before I took my pants down, and the beast tore open my ballsack. The doctor says I might lose my left testicle, depending on how the surgery goes. FML
Today, my roommate thought it would be funny to throw my cat in the bathtub while I was in it. I had to go to the emergency room to get my penis stitched up. FML
Today, despite me not liking cats, which my wife knew, she got a cat anyway. Her cat went for a walk outside and was hit by a car. I rushed outside to help the cat but found she was already dead, and the culprit had driven away. When my wife found out that her cat was dead, she thought I'd killed her. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I slept naked after a great night together. I awoke to a sharp pain in my penis and found our cat trying a new scratching post. FML
Today, my husband staggered home after a night of drinking. He was too intoxicated to find the toilet so he started to pee in the cat's litter box. Apparently, he was invading her territory and she attacked him. His scream as she bit and scratched him must have woken the whole world. FML
Today, I was having a romantic evening with my new boyfriend, until we walked into my bedroom and discovered that my cat had ripped apart my pads and had spread them all over the place. FML
Today, my cat was sleeping on me while I was laying in bed. I had to use the washroom, so I pushed him off. Except he used my testicles as a way to latch on to me, through my underwear. Let's just say, after having to change the sheets due to blood, I'm considering wearing a jockstrap. FML
Today, my wife and I had to rush our dog to the vet for a $700 emergency surgery. The x-ray showed that he had eaten a vibrating cock ring. I've never bought or owned one, so now I've got to deal with the vet bill and lawyer's fees for my soon-to-be ex-wife. FML
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Top comments
Murn 0
That cat is a hero.
frenchmanfresh_fml 5
Genius cat !
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Comments (522)
IronZombie 0
simple solution, kill them both, then use her fingernails generously on his balls to make it look like she attacked him and he killed her over that. then ur cat lives.
jifener25 0
kill the guy, keep the cat. that kitty is my hero.
kenzerlynn 0
Divorce the bitch, save the cat, and bribe the surgeon to only leave one in tact.
robbrown56 0
Damned if I would do either. The asshole got what he deserved. I'd buy the cat a whole tuna.
DreamRose 5
Nuh-uh! No way! You are NOT going to kill your cat. Make up a good reason and ask alot of questions like "Why was my friend at my house... Naked... With my wife?" Or "He was having his way with my wife and my cat *details details* and YOU want to kill my cat?" Or something like that.
chihapper7552 0
WOW. That is so wrong. I'm sorry man
joy_nash 7
Man eff that chick, that dude, and keep your obviously awesome cat by giving it to a relative for awhile. heck id take him/her for awhile D:
YDit 0
Your cat is a HERO ! it should be congratulated, not killed ...
Kg317 18
I have to say he other guy deserved it for doing ur wife
Jack2213 0
I cut my sack open too when i was about 6.