Today, I found out that my wife was having sex with my friend. It turned out that my genius cat realized it wasn't me there and attacked his balls, severely cutting them. I now have to kill my cat and pay for his medical bills to sew his balls back. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I was jerking off when my cat jumped out of nowhere and dug his claws into my shaft. Attempting to knock him away resulted in three nasty gashes… that I now have to explain to my wife. FML
Today, I took my wife's cat to the vet for her yearly check up. I'm finishing the day at the hospital with multiple bite wounds and a deep gash in my leg. My wife chose to comfort her cat instead. FML
Today, I didn't see the cat in the bathroom before I took my pants down, and the beast tore open my ballsack. The doctor says I might lose my left testicle, depending on how the surgery goes. FML
Today, my roommate thought it would be funny to throw my cat in the bathtub while I was in it. I had to go to the emergency room to get my penis stitched up. FML
Today, despite me not liking cats, which my wife knew, she got a cat anyway. Her cat went for a walk outside and was hit by a car. I rushed outside to help the cat but found she was already dead, and the culprit had driven away. When my wife found out that her cat was dead, she thought I'd killed her. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I slept naked after a great night together. I awoke to a sharp pain in my penis and found our cat trying a new scratching post. FML
Today, my husband staggered home after a night of drinking. He was too intoxicated to find the toilet so he started to pee in the cat's litter box. Apparently, he was invading her territory and she attacked him. His scream as she bit and scratched him must have woken the whole world. FML
Today, I was having a romantic evening with my new boyfriend, until we walked into my bedroom and discovered that my cat had ripped apart my pads and had spread them all over the place. FML
Today, my cat was sleeping on me while I was laying in bed. I had to use the washroom, so I pushed him off. Except he used my testicles as a way to latch on to me, through my underwear. Let's just say, after having to change the sheets due to blood, I'm considering wearing a jockstrap. FML
Today, my wife and I had to rush our dog to the vet for a $700 emergency surgery. The x-ray showed that he had eaten a vibrating cock ring. I've never bought or owned one, so now I've got to deal with the vet bill and lawyer's fees for my soon-to-be ex-wife. FML
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Top comments
Murn 0
That cat is a hero.
frenchmanfresh_fml 5
Genius cat !
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Comments (522)
zacmann 0
save the cat
Azu_nyan 8
Don't kill the cat, kill the friend.
Septim 0
Your cat is...awesome. Don't kill it; it had the right idea in mind. :D
366screwed 0
I just joined for one reason, so that I could tell you to throw your wife out, spoil your cat, and hire a good lawyer to appeal the ass judge. We live in the USA and if a man comes to your house and screws your wife and your cat should happen to claw his nuts and the dumb ass doesn't even happen to notice until it's to late that his jewels are being clawed thats his problem. But what kind of judge tells you to pay why not make your wife pay. Hell it was her cat too was it not. Applaud your cat!!!!!!!!!
NoRegrets187 0
pay for that? she's your wife. meaning she has to pay as well, and **** that. the loser should have medical insurance. no judge in the world would make the husband pay for some douchbag his wife was cheating on him with. beat the shit out of him then kick him in the nuts o add insult to injury.
monkeyclb92 5
either you wife was letting the cat near his balls, and the cat thought it was a toy....or her dumb ass doesn't know how to shut a door. Im not worried that her cheated...i'm worried about her IQ
69_jackson_69 0
Damn. The ol' switch-a-roo...
MistyLazuli 0
You have the awesomest cat ever :-) I'd give him to someone and say he ran away! And don't pay for his medical bills, it was his responsibility to remove the cat before messing with the pussy. If push comes to shove and you're going to lose, make your bitch wife pay.
toxikola 0
your poor kitty... hide it and say you put him down!!! that's not fair. if the guy was in your house that's intrusion and thus the cat was protecting it's grounds and won't have to be put down! lawsuit lawsuit do ittt!!!
toxikola 0
also, divorce your wife and take her money. use it to pay for the ball bills and use what's leftover to make an awesome feast for your cat. :D