Miscellaneous: Today, I found out that my girlfriend hasn't really been "researching"... - FML

29/07/2013 00:18 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I found out that my girlfriend hasn't really been "researching" for work on the Internet; she's actually been tweeting the same pathetic plea to a guy from One Direction asking him to "follow" her. She's 29. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 385

You deserved it 5 077

Best teeth in the game

Dementia or hate? You decide

Age difference

31/07/2019 00:01 - Singapore

Today, I was put in lockup for accidentally scaring the officer by lifting my hand to scratch my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 596

You deserved it 217

09/08/2016 20:32 - United States - Chicago

Today, I had a first date. We really hit it off and wound up watching movies together and talking late into the night. I ignored a developing migraine all night, then tried to leave hurriedly when it got bad. He stalled me leaving by asking what's wrong. I started vomiting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 672

You deserved it 1 580

21/05/2019 12:00

Today, while volunteering at my local library, a guy who smelled like crap followed me around all day. Every time I would bend over to shelf a book, he would start grunting. Apparently, he's going to be at the library every day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 881

You deserved it 92

05/05/2016 17:37 - United States - Irvine

Today, I made a new friend at my college campus, which was great, until I added him on Facebook and he started liking posts from 3 years ago, asking if he could be my "dirty little secret" because he knows that I have a boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 080

You deserved it 956

17/02/2012 13:25 - United States

Today, I took my grandmother for a spin in my new car. Apparently, she had no idea that seat-warmers exist and that hers was turned on, because fifteen minutes into the ride she started shouting, "My ass is on fire!" causing me to swerve into a pole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 501

You deserved it 7 681

10/01/2013 06:13 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, I waited over an hour for my bus. As I finally saw it approaching, I reached into my purse to grab my ticket. The lady next to me then gave the driver a hand signal to keep driving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 358

You deserved it 3 025

02/09/2016 06:01 - United States - London

Today, my boss found out I had applied for a much better paying job. He told me I'd do a better job and make more money there. Then he fired me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 581

You deserved it 2 309

28/04/2013 10:28 - Canada - Port Perry

Today, I popped a pimple while stopped at a red light. When I looked over the woman in the car next to me was laughing, and had her camera phone out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 100

You deserved it 16 775

There's no helping some people

By Anonymous - 10/11/2020 20:02 - United States - Livingston

Today, I was helping a 93 year-old hoarder organize her home. She asked me to make ropes from old plastic bags, fold bags in a specific odd way, then fit four large boxes of bags into one smaller one. I said I couldn't do those, nor fit four boxes in one. "Why are you here if you can’t do things?" she said. I’m a professional home organizer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 567

You deserved it 271

01/12/2012 22:53 - United States

Today, I went to Hollister with my grandmother. She immediately started yelling about the music being too loud, and ordered the staff to "shut the damn thing off". She was yelling at a bunch of mannequins. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 782

You deserved it 4 683

14/07/2016 20:43

Today, the favorite activity of the four kids I'm babysitting is running up to me when I least expect it and farting on me. I can't even sit down without them attacking me with their butts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 843

You deserved it 1 188

30/09/2009 00:48 - United States

Spicy

Today, I got an iPhone, I was excited and because I have a new number I wanted to mess with my girl a little. I started sending her provocative messages, and after 4 or 5 of them, I discovered I had entered her number wrong and was talking dirty to a man named Noah. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 214

You deserved it 33 681

Revealed

By Anonymous - 06/07/2009 22:36 - United States

Spicy

Today, my coworker came over to my desk and told me that I should protect my Twitter updates, because I had unknowingly made them public. My tweets include drinking stories, all the men I've hooked up with, various cuss words, sexual innuendos, and how much I hate my coworkers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 902

You deserved it 83 085

25/02/2019 00:00

Today, I went in my car to a very important job interview. I was out of gas, so I had to get some on the way. When i was done pumping, I went to get back in and the door handle broke off on the driver's side. Then I blew a tire on a piece of metal. Needless to say, I lost my chance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 238

You deserved it 189

09/04/2017 20:00

Today, I was running late for my morning gym class. I grabbed a near-empty drink bottle on my way out, intending to fill it up at the gym. Mid-workout, I reached for my bottle and took a big mouthful as I headed over to fill it up. To my great surprise, it was not water but straight vodka. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 508

You deserved it 1 366

My Bucket

By pyook - 06/09/2018 23:30

Today, my college class has a strict rule that ANY absence, even if it's because you're sick and have a doctor's note, will drop your grade a letter grade. I have a chronic illness. Today is the second time in the first two weeks that I've had to show up to class with a bucket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 453

You deserved it 183

21/04/2011 08:33 - New Zealand

Today, one of my really close friends changed from being 'free' to 'quite busy' in the space of one conversation because I suggested that we hang out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 417

You deserved it 3 527

24/02/2014 07:20 - United States - Bloomington

Today, my cat decided that instead of using the brand-new scratching post I bought him, he was going to use my pant leg while I was asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 127

You deserved it 4 153

13/05/2013 23:05 - Canada - Burnaby

Today, I discovered that the "dish soap" my sister uses to clean our dishes when it's her turn, is actually a semi-toxic floor cleaner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 015

You deserved it 3 018

03/02/2009 17:43 - United States

Today, I realized it's been 5 days since my boyfriend last answered the phone when I called. Two weeks ago, he told me he used to break up with his girlfriends in a very juvenile way. He doesn't answer their phone calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 211

You deserved it 3 167

Today, on Asshat Bosses…

By need a job - 24/06/2021 13:02 - United States

Today, I was fired from my cashier job for "abandoning my post." I saw a man pass out in the 100° heat in front of our store and I rushed to give him water. Not to worry though, my manager assured me he wouldn’t press charges for the water I took from the fridge, but I’m still fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 498

You deserved it 73

12/01/2019 04:00

Today, like for the last year, I’ve been on Tinder. I was having a great conversation with a man and we were planning a date for next week when he asked for my number. When I politely responded that I’d rather wait to exchange numbers after meeting in person, he blocked me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 282

You deserved it 576

My new friend

By Anonymous - 21/09/2020 13:58

Today, I realized at the train station that every day for a month, I've been waving to a cardboard cut-out of a person in the morning. I thought they were real. They're cardboard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 899

You deserved it 431

13/11/2012 10:00 - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, I arrived home after a hard day's work to see my 12-year-old sister had greased up my 8-year-old brother with butter and olive oil, and was attempting to slide him down the wooden floorboards in the hallway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 805

You deserved it 2 411

06/06/2012 18:21 - United States

Today, I pulled a neck muscle while head-banging. I wasn't at a concert, and I'm not in a heavy metal band, but I do pretend that I am while I'm in the shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 558

You deserved it 24 308

Pragmatic

By Anonymous - 15/03/2010 14:05 - South Africa

Spicy

Today, after confronting my husband about lack of intimacy in our marriage, I found him playing with himself. His response to my shock was, "This is less work and less involving." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 577

You deserved it 4 818

18/08/2015 20:17 - United States - Belton

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me through charades. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 994

You deserved it 5 163

04/01/2017 00:15

Today, I tried out the new VR headset I got for Christmas. I downloaded a 'Moon Walk' app and went for a walk around my basement. I felt adventurous and tried to climb my stairs, took a nice large step ready to ascend the lunar hill, and found myself standing in my cat's litter box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 475

You deserved it 3 468

08/01/2011 22:05 - Canada

Today, I put my paycheck in my wallet, intending to cash it in the next day. Later on, I met up with a friend and went to a party. I ended up getting so drunk, I gave away my $400 check in exchange for a pack of smokes, thinking it was a $5 bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 502

You deserved it 57 965

31/05/2019 05:00

Today, I was teaching a class of 17-year-old Japanese boys English. Tripping over a school bag, I caught my foot in the bottom of my very loose elastic trousers. I pulled them down with my foot as I stumbled, exposing my underwear to all 40 students. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 664

You deserved it 250

07/07/2013 12:35 - Canada - Cambridge

Today, I was going to fight the guy who my girlfriend left me for. While waiting at the park, he sent me a video of the two of them having sex on my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 020

You deserved it 24 132

22/01/2013 23:16 - Australia - Elsternwick

Today, the police arrived at my door, telling me my child had been caught vandalizing. A boy who looked about 15 hugged me and said, "Hey, mum". I'm only 26 years old and had never seen this boy in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 766

You deserved it 2 803

16/03/2015 14:36 - United Kingdom

Today, my ex called me up to suggest that we become friends, only so that she could introduce me to her new boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 484

You deserved it 4 198

07/09/2012 07:12 - United States

Today, my brother started a new tradition: sending me pictures of every poop he takes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 484

You deserved it 2 439

23/09/2013 17:54 - United States - Syracuse

Today, at my job as a fourth grade teacher, I realized that most of my students have far nicer and more expensive phones than I can afford. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 337

You deserved it 3 845

05/12/2011 03:22 - United States

Today, as I was running from the cops I jumped behind a bush to hide. Turns out it was a massive thorn bush. I later had the most painful shower I have ever experienced. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 675

You deserved it 74 862

13/01/2012 07:48 - Reserved

Today, I went to the gynecologist for the first time. I was so nervous that when she extended her hand to shake mine, I gave her my handbag instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 575

You deserved it 4 327

10/07/2012 19:33 - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I heard a blood-curdling scream from the bathroom. I discovered my husband, naked and with his pants around his ankles, standing in the bathtub and pointing at a cockroach on the ground. After disposing of the body, I had to stay and comfort him while he wiped his ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 617

You deserved it 3 445

07/08/2018 04:43

Today, my boss asked me to talk to the HR manager to see if I was happy about my pay, which made me think I was going to get a raise. Turns out they paid me nearly twice as much as they should have for the last 2 years and I owe them over €5000. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 115

You deserved it 194

23/08/2009 11:00 - Norway

Today, I was outside with a guy I really like. He asked me to lay down on the ground and watch the stars with him. I did. Suddenly, he got up, walked over to another girl and kissed her. They left me there on the soaking wet ground, watching the stars. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 321

You deserved it 3 886

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Top comments

mpj13 8

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Monday 29 July 2013 7:30

I think your relationship is going in the wrong direction.

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Monday 29 July 2013 7:29

Sucks OP. it's probably just a phase, she'll get over it. (I Hope) make sure she eventually tries to get a job

Comments

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Monday 29 July 2013 7:29

Sucks OP. it's probably just a phase, she'll get over it. (I Hope) make sure she eventually tries to get a job

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Monday 29 July 2013 7:32

Im happy for you

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Monday 29 July 2013 7:52

It doesn't look good. Your girlfriend seems to only be moving in one direction.

TheCanucklehead 22

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Monday 29 July 2013 9:06

One direction. Down. Don't follow her there. Birds tweet up above ground, not underground

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Monday 29 July 2013 11:31

The only "phase" 29 year old girlfriends have is distracting you while the pole holes in condoms or swap their BC pills for sugar pills.

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Monday 29 July 2013 11:34

They poke holes*. Why is the edit feature gone on iPhone app? Spelling mistakes happen when you're drinking.

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Monday 29 July 2013 13:56

It's at the top right with a timer after you comment

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Monday 29 July 2013 22:08

my stepmum does this via my nine year old sister's twitter account. i think i know who's more pathetic here :/ also, #1's profile pic is scrummy :)

SlapAndTickle 20

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Tuesday 30 July 2013 8:55

That's very rude of you Sailor. How can you generalize people like that?

jamnglamgirlie 17

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Monday 29 July 2013 7:30

I'm so sorry for you.

cottoncandymango 17

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Monday 29 July 2013 9:19

Sounds like you two need to take a different direction in your relationship...

RoseBlack123 37

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Monday 29 July 2013 14:20

If she doesn't get over this, your relationship will be headed one direction straight to hell...

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Monday 29 July 2013 7:30

Kinda sad if you ask me but hey, to each their own!

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Monday 29 July 2013 18:58

Thats exactly what I thought. I really don't see how this is f***ing your life, OP, unless of course you are jealous of their non existant relationship. It's a bit sad, maybe, but all in all, not your problem. Unless you are willing to give up your liking for Megan Fox or Kate Upton.

mpj13 8

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Monday 29 July 2013 7:30

I think your relationship is going in the wrong direction.

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Monday 29 July 2013 8:49

You sir, should become a comedian.

Clay_Pidgeon 11

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Tuesday 30 July 2013 6:30

She wants 1D but not your D.

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Monday 29 July 2013 7:30

Yet if a man is like this he is a creep.

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Monday 29 July 2013 17:31

i can assure you that OPs girlfriend is still considered a creep. who does that sure i follow famous people i like on twitter but im not sure i have ever spoken to them on it never mind bombarded them with tweets.

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Monday 29 July 2013 7:31

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Monday 29 July 2013 7:32

Are you sure she's 29?

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Monday 29 July 2013 11:08

she's more like the sum of these two digits.

brammerderambam 8

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Monday 29 July 2013 7:33

And another one is being sucked in, abort op before the ship crashes.

XxcaitanatorXx 12

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Monday 29 July 2013 7:34

Thats kinda sad if you think about it but. Hopefully she gets a job

phoneYuNOlisten 16

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Monday 29 July 2013 7:34

Don't you think she is way too old for that?

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Monday 29 July 2013 8:42

#13 You don't say, that's why he made an FML about it.

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 135

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 496

You deserved it 125

Today, for the first time I had to lie to the man I intend to marry, because I had a very intense and hot dream about Leslie Nielsen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 451

You deserved it 137