Miscellaneous: Today, I missed a call from my mom. It's my birthday, and glad...

By Anonymous - 21/07/2011 16:40 - United States

Today, I missed a call from my mom. It's my birthday, and glad she remembered, I called back to thank her. She was surprised when I brought up going out for dinner, and asked me what the occasion was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 610

You deserved it 2 753

Miscellaneous

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Own it

Red flag

Crashtony Cartano here

By Anonymous - 05/11/2020 23:03

Today, my husband sped my car up to 80 in a 30, and almost crashed, which would have killed us both. What did I do to set him off? I played a song he didn't like. FML

I agree, your life sucks 946

You deserved it 126

Get ready to rumble!

By Leyla - 14/07/2012 07:09 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. We were under the covers, and my little brother thought we were wrestling, so he got on top of the covers and started "wrestling" with us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 291

You deserved it 34 246

By bill - 24/10/2012 11:14 - United States - Pasadena

Today, I saw a man lying face down in a field and thinking he was injured, I ran over to help. As soon as I got to him, I realized he was completely naked. He stood up and chased after me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 925

You deserved it 2 659

By WhyGod - 10/12/2016 15:21

Today, I got a diaper rash from a pad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 664

You deserved it 1 041

By AgentRarity - 18/06/2014 16:48

Today, I was reading butthurt comments about how girl gamers can easily get dates and find love by simply existing. I'm a "girl gamer" who hasn't even found a date, let alone love. I've been looking since I was sixteen. I'm now 27. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 640

You deserved it 7 825

By great. - 02/01/2013 18:59

Today, I went on a first date with the guy I really like. During our dinner, he said he needed to go to the bathroom. You guessed it: he didn't come back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 888

You deserved it 3 542

By Anonymous - 27/07/2012 19:04 - Norway - Rakkestad

Today, my daughter proudly showed me her new tattoo sleeve, which is made up of an angry cupcake, hemp leaves, and a My Little Pony character. She's almost 30, still unemployed, and still lives in my home. I now have no hope of her ever becoming a productive member of society. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 229

You deserved it 8 314

By Jack - 01/02/2009 08:54 - United Kingdom

Today, I was playing with 3 kids I look after. The middle one has just learned about sex and started chanting that I had done it with the eldest as a joke. We were in the garden and the neighbours heard. Now I am fired, have to leave the house and am being investigated by the police. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 408

You deserved it 3 252

By Burny - 12/10/2017 16:00

Today, my partner took a shower while in the middle of cooking something. My eyes are still burning from the smoke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 793

You deserved it 270

Very smart

By Leauge - 28/01/2020 20:00 - United States - Owensboro

Today, I woke up to find out my house was robbed. He didn't steal anything of value, but he stole my beer, dog, and cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 339

You deserved it 281

By smidgit - 19/05/2016 17:32

Today, after many days of messing around with wording and pictures, a huge and expensive printed card order came in to the office. I spelt the first word wrong. I can't get a refund. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 869

You deserved it 9 762

By thedancingtit - 07/06/2016 05:11 - United States - Eagle River

Today, I let my brother babysit my 6-year-old daughter. She learned 2 new words from him. One of them was "Hail" and the other one was "Satan". FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 996

You deserved it 2 328

The bobs and vagene guy

By Anonymous - 30/07/2021 04:01 - Australia

Today, ever since I let my boyfriend touch my boobs, he thinks it's appropriate to grope me whenever he feels like it. Even talking to him about it doesn't seem to stop him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 954

You deserved it 168

By AllyCat - 07/06/2009 04:49 - United States

Today, was my graduation party. My birthday was about a week ago so my parents combined the presents. I thought it would be something big so I hinted for a new TV. I got a snuggie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 990

You deserved it 5 493

By mperh - 28/05/2011 12:46 - United States

Today, it's memorial day weekend. The cops are all over the place watching for speeders and drunks. Some complete dickhead decided to spray paint "cop killa" on the side of my car. It won't come off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 822

You deserved it 3 228

By Peekaman - 15/08/2010 22:31 - United States

Today, I was riding the subway when a beautiful topless girl walked into my car and sat directly in front of me. Then, the train stopped abruptly and I banged my head. The girl was gone and I realized it had all been a dream. Then I realized I was supposed to get off 17 stops ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 974

You deserved it 42 266

Donut laugh at me

By sdeeter - 29/04/2013 13:39 - United States

Today, I had a job interview at the local donut shop. It turns out I misunderstood the position, and that the job was actually to wear a donut costume and wave at cars outside the shop. I was told this after I got hired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 828

You deserved it 9 127

Party animal

By Toto - 25/08/2021 14:01

Today, my brother was asking why I'm mad at him. Not a big deal, if we and our friends weren't now banned from a pub, all because he got shitfaced, started smoking weed and stripping off in public, even though marijuana wasn't allowed at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 750

You deserved it 73

By Anonymous - 07/10/2009 18:23 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of three years broke up with me because I'm in the military and I'm gone too much. The reason I enlisted in the first place is because we agreed that the money and benefits I would earn would help us be able to start a family in the future. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 812

You deserved it 3 947

By HBCRUISER - 18/09/2018 12:00

Today, I had to go to the local UPS store to sign for a package with providing I.D. shipped to me. I had no idea who had sent the package. After signing for the package, I opened it and saw that I had signed for an empty package. I actually paid for nothing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 556

You deserved it 267

Non sequitur

By lisacasabonita - 12/11/2010 16:31 - United States

Today, while at dinner, I told my boyfriend that I wished he liked sushi. He replied, "I wish you liked anal." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 125

You deserved it 42 337

By bels12 - 05/01/2010 05:15 - Australia

Today, I bought a new Siamese Fighting Fish. I was so happy with my new fish so I bought him an expensive lovely bowl, some weeds, and a toy for the bowl. I left the room to get the fish food. When I returned, the fish was gone, and the cat was sitting on the table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 850

You deserved it 9 305

Don't worry!

By Anonymous - 22/01/2020 01:00

Today, my girlfriend of four months asked me to babysit her four-year-old daughter. All went well, and she texted me to see how she was. I wanted to say “a little ornery”. My phone auto corrected ornery to horny. She didn't appreciate that her four-year-old daughter was a little horny from her boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 838

You deserved it 506

By Anonymous - 22/07/2016 04:14 - United States - Missoula

Today, I was on a plane flying home and fell asleep. I woke up to my own snoring and everyone on the plane looking at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 027

You deserved it 1 856

By Skidmark Sally - 07/10/2012 21:41 - United States - Las Cruces

Today, while working at the daycare, I had to clean the entire place. During the next four hours, I scooped up three human teeth, a rotten log of shit, a tire iron, a condom wrapper, and a yogurt that expired in 2003. I only cleaned the place a week ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 763

You deserved it 2 156

By kasai_x0x - 19/06/2010 16:27 - Canada

Today, I found out what cat food tastes like mixed with mayo, hot sauce, and between two perfectly toasted pieces of rye bread. My cat found out what tuna tastes like instead of her normal food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 455

You deserved it 36 033

By boomstick - 25/09/2009 13:09 - United States

Today, I pulled a bee off of my friend's dog because we were worried he could be allergic. Of course I got stung, and of course the dog wasn't allergic. Turns out I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 545

You deserved it 5 359

By Anonymous - 09/05/2009 20:18 - United States

Today, I woke up happier than I've ever been because last night I hooked up with the girl I have loved for almost a year and I thought I would never get with her. This morning I saw that her status on Facebook was "FML". FML

I agree, your life sucks 82 377

You deserved it 7 223

By Ketchup - 22/06/2009 06:06 - United States

Today, my brother and I found a little bird that couldn't fly. While trying to convince my mom that it couldn't fly so we could keep it, I lightly tossed it in the air and it landed a few feet in front of me. Then my cat grabbed it and ate it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 761

You deserved it 49 809

By BERNDTOAST - 27/03/2015 15:27 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I fell asleep in class... And woke up hour later. My teacher let me sit there till I woke up to see what my face would be like waking up to a new class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 299

You deserved it 17 818

By Anonymous - 21/10/2018 16:00 - United States - Trenton

Today, I told my girlfriend I wanted to tell her something important. Coincidentally, she did too. She wanted to tell me that she thinks she's actually gay. I wanted to tell her I love her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 188

You deserved it 219

By stpdaziandude - 08/05/2009 20:51 - United States

Today, I was watching an animal behavior movie. All of a sudden, it brings up two snails going at it. I got hard watching it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75 801

You deserved it 44 929

By mandy - 01/08/2009 01:51 - Australia

Today, my mum deleted my college research assignment on rape because the subject was too vulgar. I had worked on it for the past month and it was worth 50% of my grade. It's due tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 192

You deserved it 4 565

By Anonymous - 11/10/2010 10:50 - United States

Today, I lost the remote control to my TV. I can't change the channel manually on it, and the channel it's stuck on is currently playing an infomercial for the Pos-T-Vac penis pump. I've been watching this for an hour now. I'm a female, and I'm beginning to feel like I need this product. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 387

You deserved it 9 782

By garfield749 - 29/12/2011 05:53 - United States

Today, I discovered that I have to share a room with my new stepbrother. I also discovered that he takes the same number of showers over the course of two weeks as I do in a single day: one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 074

You deserved it 2 244

By myfamilyisodd - 15/10/2011 17:05 - United States

Today, I had to take my son to the emergency room for shooting himself in the ass with a BB gun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 410

You deserved it 5 208

By Sammy - 25/02/2013 07:25 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I came home to find that while my husband and children were mindlessly watching TV, one of our dogs got into the cupboard that stores the deep fryer. He got the lid off, ate all of the old oil and barfed everything up on the couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 126

You deserved it 4 630

By Wellgreat - 30/11/2018 03:00

Today, I convinced my roommate, who’s been single for a while, to get back in the dating game. He downloaded Tinder. His first match was my girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 393

You deserved it 270

By Anonymous - 06/02/2010 12:40 - United Kingdom

Today, I received our gas bill for about £200. My flatmate felt that this was extortionate and therefore phoned up our gas company and angrily told them to recalculate the bill. They did. We now owe £300. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 450

You deserved it 5 047

Property law

By wtf dad - 22/07/2020 23:00

Today, I asked my boyfriend, who’s a massage therapist, if he could help my mom with her chronic migraines by massaging her head and neck. My dad came home, saw them in the dimly lit room and knocked my boyfriend out cold for "touching his woman." My boyfriend dumped me and wants my dad arrested. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 285

You deserved it 573

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Top comments

Tristyxxx 24

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Friday 22 July 2011 2:29

Dear OP Happy birthday. Sincerely, Your friends from FML

alpaquette91 9

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Friday 22 July 2011 2:29

she forgot because she didn't sign in to Facebook

enonymous 8

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Friday 22 July 2011 2:26

Sooo dinner for one?

Iamnotmyself 17

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Friday 22 July 2011 2:29

"Well I was going to kill you for not remembering my birthday, but now you ruined the surprise."

Idonebeenhad 17

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Friday 22 July 2011 2:34

reminds me of that walmart commercial

JesusFishTaco 5

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Friday 22 July 2011 2:59

I love your comments enonymous.

EspeonEve 1

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Friday 22 July 2011 3:02

Invite everyone that the mom knows so that she's like "WTF"

EspeonEve 1

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Friday 22 July 2011 3:04

Or tell her on the phone that you are celebrating that you lost your virginity

dolphincheddar 10

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Friday 22 July 2011 3:17

how do women not remember when a watermelon comes thier vagina? to me it's be quite scarring

2ndSucks 15

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Friday 22 July 2011 4:00

I think I would remember... good lord, all that pain. I feel like it'd be unforgettable.

enonymous 8

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Friday 22 July 2011 4:09

I remember pushing a watermelon out my urethra. It was glorious. I'm sad that he is seedless so I will never know what it will be like to be a grandfather

scrapmetal58 9

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Friday 22 July 2011 4:15

Happy Birthday, you filthy little mudblood!

kaykay9080 5

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Friday 22 July 2011 6:13

If I had kids I w0uldn't remember their names~

el_paso_guy89 0

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Friday 22 July 2011 6:15

you and your damn "0's" again!!! for the love of Christ!! stop it!

kaykay9080 5

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Friday 22 July 2011 6:18

If I had kids I w0culdn't remember their names~

rogergraton 0

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Friday 22 July 2011 6:46

thaïs cause tour a crack whore. no offence

Iamnotmyself 17

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Friday 22 July 2011 6:49

-78 Damn I was so sure calling someone a crack whore was offensive.. I guess I just don't know that much.

bamagrl410 31

Friday 22 July 2011 7:25

No offense, but the whole "my parents forgot my birthday" isn't interesting anymore. It sucks that people's parents forget, and it's very rude of them to do, but it seems that people post it on her like every day.

zekecastro 0

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Friday 22 July 2011 9:08

just like my mother..

Friaza 29

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Friday 22 July 2011 19:32

Hey, at least FML celebrates your birthday

AllThatHit 7

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Friday 22 July 2011 2:27

happy birthday?

hotrod14 0

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Friday 22 July 2011 5:10

u can't blame the mom the child is out if the house and the mom is probably getting old and has a strictly selective memory?

peacelovepugs 7

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Friday 22 July 2011 6:28

haha

ilovepoppa 0

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Saturday 23 July 2011 19:21

We have the same birthday(; but happy late birthday!!!!(:

clumsylittleme 11

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Friday 22 July 2011 2:28

Wow. great mom. sucks. sorry. happy bday tho.

Tristyxxx 24

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Friday 22 July 2011 2:29

Dear OP Happy birthday. Sincerely, Your friends from FML

JesusFishTaco 5

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Friday 22 July 2011 3:18

That show scared the shit outta me when I was younger. That damn cgi mummy episode...

cradle6 13

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Friday 22 July 2011 4:57

35- "Return the slabbbbb." Damn that scared me more than anything else when I was a kid.

ariannaimelda 7

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Friday 22 July 2011 5:48

Omg I thought I was the only one who remembered that episode! Yeah that episode scared me shitless! So frickinn scary

Blueglasscup 18

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Friday 22 July 2011 5:49

I still get scared just thinking about that episode. Ugh,

Bowser6622 5

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Friday 22 July 2011 7:32

Alexa, occasionally they show it, in the morning.

RileyL29 0

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Friday 22 July 2011 10:27

"Stupid dog! You made me look bad!"

Tristyxxx 24

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Friday 22 July 2011 10:50

^ i love you!

tymarie2012 31

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Friday 22 July 2011 12:56

that episode scared the crap out of me when I was younger. course now I just laugh at it. my favorite episode is the one where they played the song "it's a gerbil world" or something like that. it's been forever since I seen the episode :/

JustAnotherKid4U 5

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Friday 22 July 2011 2:29

not such a memorable kid, huh?

alpaquette91 9

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Friday 22 July 2011 2:29

she forgot because she didn't sign in to Facebook

lexingtonstapel_fml 1

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Friday 22 July 2011 9:05

haha love this.

mk58 31

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Friday 22 July 2011 2:30

Hope that she was kidding? Or maybe they plan to surprise you?

starwind3438 9

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Friday 22 July 2011 2:30

Your mom sucks.

borkchop1992 15

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Friday 22 July 2011 2:31

that sucks atleast she cared enough to call you for something else

Sunny_Eclipse 6

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Friday 22 July 2011 2:34

A mother's love... She raises you fine, then sets you off into the world and forgets your existence.

pink_raindrops 26

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Friday 22 July 2011 3:18

If she forgot about her daughters existance she never would have called to begin with. I don't understand why it's such a big deal that she didn't remember. For all we know the OP's mother has been too busy dealing with hassles life throws at you.