Today, like every other day since I moved into this apartment... - FML

By nosleep

Today, like every other day since I moved into this apartment a year ago, the construction crew started their noisy work at 5:30 in the morning. When I moved in I was promised it was a quiet neighborhood; only offices. What have they been building in the meantime? Three nightclubs. FML

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Reverse psychology

Fake News

I CAN HEAR YOU

By Karate Kid - Australia - Surry Hills

Today, I was showing some new karate moves in the park to my friends. I mimed a punch behind a girl walking past to show my technique and control, but she must have seen me. She turned around and kicked me in the stomach. To add insult to injury, her technique was better than mine. FML

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By woah - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me how women could urinate with a tampon in. FML

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By IntimidatorStag - United States

Today, I gave my girlfriend some non-alcoholic beer as a joke. In slurred speech, she told me I have the body of a monk seal. She then took my keys, staggered to my car, and drove away. She crashed into a tree two blocks later. She's fine. FML

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By oh... - United States - Springfield

Today, I realized that when my dad said he would pay for my college, he really meant that he was going to forge my signature on a student loan in my name and not make payments on it. FML

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By loving grandaughter - United States

Today, after months of cooking breakfast, lunch, and dinner for my husband's grandmother due to her getting a hip replacement, I overheard her calling me a whore over the phone from the next room. FML

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By Meghan Elise

Today, I found that there were charges of almost 2,000 dollars on my bank account. Some asshole in Florida stole my money. I have bills and that was money I saved to buy myself a new car. FML

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By chronic

Today, I'm on opioids due to severe pelvic pain. Taking them makes me constipated and increases my pain, which leads to taking more painkillers. I can choose to be in agony and the possibility of pooping, or be in slightly less pain and completely bunged up. FML

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By sadsadteacher - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I had to tell some of my students to stop eating glue. I teach high school. FML

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By - France

Today, I went onto my computer and found a cyber sex conversation between my sister and my girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Austin

Today, as a joke, my friends pushed me into the men's restroom and held the door shut. As I was trying to push the door open, I heard a voice behind me say, "Wow. Immaturity, huh?" I turned to find a guy taking a dump in one of the urinals. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Croydon

Today, my face got intimate with several plywood boards, and I suffered lacerations and bruising. I told my friends I got the wounds from taking a few guys down in a bar fight. Now they're dragging me out into a rough part of town to give them "muscle" while they try to score some crack. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Union City

Today, some jackass in an Iron Man mask nailed me in the head with a quarter while I was helping other customers. Minimum wage isn't worth this crap. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, nine weeks after giving birth, my husband and I finally tried to have sex since a friend was watching the baby. Not only could I not get wet due to hormones, but as soon as he got back from buying lube, his drunk brother called needing a ride from the bar. No sex for me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Poughkeepsie

Today, my mom and I went to catch our flight to Jamaica. She ended up being detained and questioned, because she packed hairspray, shampoo, drinks, basically half the shit you're not allowed to have in your luggage. We missed our flight. FML

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By obviously a scumbag criminal

Today, I took a drug test for probation and failed a category called "tricyclic antidepressants". The tablet of Benadryl I took last night for sleep assistance caused me to violate my probation. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Midland

Today, while BMXing I felt my chain break loose. I only looked down for a split second, and that's all it took for me to crash into a young scooter kid, breaking not only my own nose and elbow, but both his arms. FML

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By Go away - United States - Humboldt

Today, after doing vigorous chores all day with my girlfriend, her mom came and paid us each $100. My girlfriend cried and threw a fit because she said they were her chores, so she deserves all the money. FML

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By blah - 2/6/2020 23:00

Exercise One

Today, while cuddling with my boyfriend, he started humping my leg and said, "I'm gonna hump the fatness out of you and make you beautiful." FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2020 20:02

Horsing around

Today, my horse, who has been nothing but gentle for 27 years, kicked me right in the knee on my last vacation day. It's so bad, I can hardly sleep or sit down on the toilet. Tomorrow I go back to work, which involves lots of walking, sitting down and getting back up, as well as lifting heavy stuff. FML

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By thesmartone - United States

Today, I let my imbecile of a brother borrow my car. The keys to his car are now jammed into the ignition of mine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to sneak up behind my cat and scare it with a loud "boo!" The cat responded by jumping up, and running across my apartment, which would have been fine, except for the fact she left a trail of liquid shit everywhere she went. FML

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By rabbitkiller - China - Wuhai

Today, I went to my boyfriends house to meet his parents, and now they have a dead rabbit because I sat on it. FML

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By Savannah - United States

Today, like every other day this past week at Bonnaroo, I've been placing my belongings in the cubbyhole inside the portapotties as I use. Today, I also learned that those "cubbyholes" are urinals. FML

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By Jessika - United Kingdom

Today, I finished a ballet class with a group of seven-and-unders. Afterwards, a new student's mother came up to me and thanked me, saying she was glad that her daughter had a "role model with a, ahem, fuller figure" and "not to worry about my weight." I have never thought I was fat before. FML

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By monkeywrench - Sweden

Today, I was hit by acute food poisoning while attending a colleague's birthday party at his home. The toilet had a door that wouldn't close all the way, there were only three sheets of toilet paper left, and I had to walk home through town, in a dress, with my soiled underwear in a plastic bag. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was sitting in the living room with my husband when we heard a baby coo. This would have been adorable, if we had a baby. FML

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By yamuda - Ireland - Carlow

Today, I walked into the kitchen to see my dad peeing into a cup. We made eye contact and he quickly threw the cup into the sink. Not one word has been spoken about what happened, and I saw my mom use the same cup later on that day. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, feeling melancholy, I took a blanket out to the backyard and lay down to look at the clouds. My dad came out to ask me what I was doing. I told him, he smirked, squatted over my face, and farted. He then ran back inside and told my mom. She laughed. FML

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By Coeurdencre

Today, my best friend, who reckons I'm doing a terrible job at finding a boyfriend, has started giving out my number to all the men she thinks "look trustworthy" in the subway. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Macon

Today, I went to visit my senile grandma, since she's ill and nobody else in the family visits her. I ended up having to sit through a long rant about the Illuminati, black people, and how we'd have a cure for the common cold already if it weren't for "those god damned foreigners". FML

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By insensitive prick - United States - Tinley Park

Today, I was at a "bring your family to work" event. I noticed my coworker brought his kids but not his wife, so I asked, "No wife today?" Everyone glared at me and he pointedly replied that she's married to someone else now. I had no idea. Now everyone thinks I'm an insensitive prick. FML

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By Broken Leg, Broken Job

Today, I was fired for not having a reliable mode of transportation. I’ve only had to take the bus recently because three days ago, my boss’s son was messing around in the parking garage, lost control, and totaled my car. FML

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By alltern8ive - United States

Today, my boyfriend tried to be romantic by dipping me backwards and kissing me. He dropped me on my butt and stepped on my hand while trying to help me up. FML

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By moo...

Today, I was on a date with this guy I just met and we went to a fancy restaurant. Halfway through the meal, there was an awkward silence, and he decided to end it by saying "You know, you chew like a cow." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving in my very own car that I bought and paid for myself, when I stopped at a stop light. Then I noticed the truck in front of me turn on his reverse lights. I honked desperately. He hits me, looks out the window and says "I see no damage" and drives away. FML

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By TrulyYours - United States

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend on the phone. After a short pause I hear him say "I love you." Smiling I say, "I love you too." Then he says, "I was talking to my dog." FML

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By OnlyAvailableID - Australia

Today, I had my first threesome. It was me, my wonderful girlfriend, and her shithead cat after he decided my balls were a bag of catnip and just had to play with. Things ended pretty fast. FML

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By SadDaenerys

Today, my boyfriend of two years broke up with me because I finished the Game of Thrones books before he could finish the TV show. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - El Cajon

Today, a coworker at school yelled at one of our students to be quiet. The kid got pretty upset, so I went to comfort him. He held my hand for the rest of the class, telling me in vivid detail how he was going to kill my coworker. Now I'm afraid to look at him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after months of searching and several emotional breakdowns, I finally found a new job. My wife's words of encouragement? "Try not to fuck this one up." FML

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Top comments

By rivenrock | 14

#7477918 - Friday 30 June 2017 17:09

A year ago. So your lease is coming up for renewal? Time to move.

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7477925 - Friday 30 June 2017 17:21

Obviously these are office nightclubs! Party in the club? No, paperwork in the club!

COMMENTS

By rivenrock | 14

#7477918 - Friday 30 June 2017 17:09

A year ago. So your lease is coming up for renewal? Time to move.

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7477925 - Friday 30 June 2017 17:21

Obviously these are office nightclubs! Party in the club? No, paperwork in the club!

By RichardPencil | 28

#7477936 - Friday 30 June 2017 17:37

Go to the clubs and go home with people who live in quiet places. Airbnb your place to the deaf and/or party animals.

I oughta charge for such golden advice!

By GhostFox | 33

#7477976 - Friday 30 June 2017 18:50

Moving would be a good idea, if possible. Not just for noise reasons but because crime will probably go up in the neighborhood once those are finished and open.