Intimacy: Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time in our relationship... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 3

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54

You deserved it 97

Spicy

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 390

You deserved it 62

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 452

You deserved it 32

11/03/2009 02:53

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time in our relationship and it was great. He drove me back to my house and walked me to the door, then instead of kissing me goodbye he patted me on the back. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 113 693

You deserved it 10 229

And today, on Dr Phil…

The smell detective is on the case

Get vaccinated, you doofuses

14/07/2019 04:30

Today, I found out that my husband only dated me because I look like what he thought the daughter he had with his first wife might look like when she's grown up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 230

You deserved it 152

05/11/2009 00:40

Today, I stepped away from my desk for a few minutes only to return to find the general manager installing updates on my computer. This wouldn't have been an issue had I not pulled up a website explaining in great detail the effects and causes of vaginal yeast infections. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 924

You deserved it 30 651

20/10/2009 17:11

Today, in front of a bunch of people on my college campus, my mom grabbed my hand and lead me across the street. I'm 20. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 585

You deserved it 4 753

30/01/2009 03:26

Today, I had a stomach virus, so I didn't eat anything. My new roommate asked me if I was anorexic and to prove I wasn't, I ate a sandwich in front of her... Only to go into the bathroom and throw it up later. She heard and now thinks I'm bulimic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 352

You deserved it 6 174

06/08/2013 21:59

Today, I asked my surgeon if I would be having a general or local anesthetic at my upcoming operation. He replied, "General, of course! It's gonna be a slaughterhouse in there!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 903

You deserved it 4 047

New isn't always good

By anonymous - 11/01/2015 19:10

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I were trying something new. I ended up with a shard of glass in my back and a concussion. Don't have sex on a glass table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 202

You deserved it 32 252

Comeback

By Pinsky - 20/09/2021 01:00

Spicy

Today, I walked in on the guy I called a cuck in high school going down on my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 231

You deserved it 1 489

27/12/2009 05:41

Today, my boyfriend had a Christmas party for all of our friends. He asked me not to get "too drunk". I think throwing up on the floor while simultaneously peeing your pants fit his definition. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 816

You deserved it 45 294

Second time

By Anonymous - 31/12/2019 01:00

Today, I woke up with a rash on my face after just getting over a bad cold. I was told by the doctor that it was a staph infection spread by wearing a face mask. The face mask I wore so people wouldn’t catch the cold from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 929

You deserved it 289

11/04/2012 02:19

Today, while outside, a bug flew up my nose. After I told my family and friends about a faint vibrating in my upper nostril, they all convinced me I was paranoid. That was until that night when I blew my nose and there was the bug in my tissue. Its leg was still twitching. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 090

You deserved it 2 499

24/02/2011 10:34

Today, I asked my dad what his plans for Friday were. Apparently, he's going to a concert with my step-mom all evening. It's been their plan for months. Friday is my birthday. That's been set since the day I was born. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 161

You deserved it 7 028

27/07/2012 04:46

Spicy

Today, at my job, an old lady kept calling her inhaler a blow job. I kindly explained to her why she couldn't call her inhaler that. She continued to ask me for a blow job in front of visitors. I had to say yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 197

You deserved it 2 853

01/11/2010 15:10

Spicy

Today, a girl I like came over to my house because I'd promised to help her prepare for a math test. My mom thought it would be funny to put a stack of porn magazines and handcuffs on the table in my room when I went to open the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 531

You deserved it 4 334

08/10/2018 22:15

Today, I had a dream wherein a deep, sensual voice was talking sexy to me. "Yeah girl, you want this. Mmm." It wasn't the man of my dreams trying to seduce me. It was a piece of chocolate cake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 926

You deserved it 505

09/08/2011 17:38

Today, my boyfriend got arrested. For robbing my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 565

You deserved it 5 884

22/01/2017 10:00

Today, I got chewed out by my boss for not doing my job. Turns out what's described in my job description, contract, and job title isn't my job. My real job is outlined in the footnote of my contract. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 685

You deserved it 572

09/01/2009 08:54

Today, I was teaching a class but kids were chatting. After 3 soap box speeches about "The next person who talks gets a note to take home," one kid looked right at me and went "meow". FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 129

You deserved it 7 567

13/11/2012 10:23

Today, I was working at the checkout of a nearly empty store, so I picked up an empty box, closed my eyes, and slow-danced with it to the 80s love ballad playing on the radio. I don't know what's worse, dancing with a box, or opening my eyes to see ten or so wary customers waiting to be served. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 858

You deserved it 34 258

08/06/2012 23:44

Today, I was napping when my little brother cut off huge chunks of my hair. He thought it would turn me into the older brother he always wanted. He's 8. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 907

You deserved it 2 101

14/12/2009 11:19

Today, I was sitting on the bus to the gym. I saw that an old woman needed help to get off the bus, so I got up, and helped her off. When I had finally got her down the stairs the bus closed the doors and drove away. I was in the middle of nowhere and the bus drove away with all my things. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 868

You deserved it 4 910

25/01/2010 13:32

Spicy

Today, I discovered that my mom and her disgusting mess of a boyfriend refer to his penis as "the monkey." And she says that I hate him because I'M immature. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 191

You deserved it 2 572

Nature is so wonderful!

By Anonymous - 15/10/2019 18:03

Today, I was backpacking, and I was in a tent. It had rained all day and finally, I was dry. I settled down in my slightly damp sleeping bag. I woke up halfway through the night with a frog on my face and my feet in freezing cold water. Our tent had drifted into a frog pond. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 530

You deserved it 396

28/03/2009 16:50

Today, I was jogging through my neighborhood and then I notice this cute guy running beside me, we stoped and flirted for a while and my mom drove past. She then rolled down the window and said "Honey, you owe me for the dry cleaning on your period pants." FML

I agree, your life sucks 103 051

You deserved it 5 738

Modernity

By Jules - 29/10/2020 02:03

Today, my health insurance has finally gone digital, so I sent them a message through their webpage, asking a question. I then got an email, telling me they'd replied. I had to log into their webpage again to see the reply, which read, "A letter concerning your question has been sent to you by post." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 071

You deserved it 69

20/01/2012 10:42

Spicy

Today, I got bored looking at porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 164

You deserved it 39 460

20/03/2016 18:53

Today, I just came back from Afghanistan after a 9-month tour, and my brother asked, "How many towelheads did you kill?" He then acted offended when I smacked him upside the head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 854

You deserved it 1 993

29/07/2009 15:18

Today, my boyfriend of a year told me he is at the point in his life where he is ready to start a family, get married and have a baby. He also casually stated that he wished he could meet someone he could see himself settling down with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 139

You deserved it 4 235

08/06/2015 16:00

Spicy

Today, I received a package from Amazon. My mum smiled at me when I entered the living room, pointing to my package. She had already opened it and held back her smile. My penis pills for longer endurance just got delivered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 303

You deserved it 9 886

27/11/2012 03:13

Today, after being single for a while now, I unwillingly went on a blind date with a guy my friend convinced me would be perfect for me. He took me to McDonald's; his father was with him the whole entire time. He is 27. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 197

You deserved it 2 339

11/01/2011 04:11

Today, my coworker thought it would be funny to throw my keys up onto the top shelf in storage. I'm 4'10. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 574

You deserved it 4 043

Hoarded in

By nola2005 - 01/10/2019 00:01

Today, as my gaze went from the cobwebs hanging from my ceiling to the opened and unopened Amazon boxes in the corners of my house, I realized I'm on my way to being a hoarder. I'm too tired and depressed to do anything about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 320

You deserved it 468

16/09/2013 01:21

Today, as I was getting my nails done at a salon, the owner pulled my head back against the chair in front of all the customers and began to tweeze my eyebrows. When I exclaimed that I didn't pay for that service, she replied, "I don't care. This needs done." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 091

You deserved it 12 820

18/10/2009 15:32

Today, it was Homecoming. During the dance, I saw this mentally handicapped guy ask this pretty girl to dance. She said no. So I went over to him and asked him to dance. He replied that he only wanted to dance with "pretty girls" and I was not one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 674

You deserved it 5 511

19/07/2011 05:42

Today, my mom gave me the "birds and the bees" talk, while she was taking a dump. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 677

You deserved it 3 376

30/04/2016 11:25

Today, my wife and I are planning a simple team meal for our son's team. We're stuck on pulled pork or meatballs. I've told her I don't care. She's still indecisive. This has been going on for 2 days. We're now not talking, over meatballs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 063

You deserved it 2 284

24/01/2014 05:28

Today, my sister found out that Justin Bieber got arrested and now she won't stop crying. 5ML

I agree, your life sucks 47 909

You deserved it 5 615

29/01/2016 22:38

Today, I'm doing an architecture course in China. My boss asked me to create a lamp shaped like a shrimp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 298

You deserved it 2 374

12/04/2009 02:52

Today, I parked my car on the street to go to the gym. When I came back my car was blocked by a parade of people. I turned to a shop worker smoking a cigarette and said "Jesus! What the hell is going on?" I got many strange looks. It was a Good Friday parade lead by a local church. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 749

You deserved it 47 235

07/06/2016 22:38

Today, after finally applying myself and busting my butt all semester, I found out the school is accusing me of cheating because they couldn't believe I could have gotten near-perfect grades considering my grade history. If this is how society rewards academic turnarounds, why do I even bother? FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 876

You deserved it 1 174

02/03/2013 03:17

Today, after months of my doctor telling me that my heart palpitations are simply due to anxiety, and that I'm perfectly healthy, I decided to weight train to face my fears. Two hours later, I was in the emergency room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 354

You deserved it 3 232

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Wednesday 11 March 2009 9:31

You had bad breath? ;)

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Wednesday 11 March 2009 9:36

Wow lmao, that must feel terrible. (Hey, I remember I checked "Yes" to this FML while moderating!)

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Wednesday 11 March 2009 9:31

You had bad breath? ;)

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Monday 15 March 2010 6:01

so at least you had sex. better than nothing!!

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Sunday 8 August 2010 17:54

You had sex and then are upset cause a patted you on the back instead of kissing you? OP, u are quite odd

Pg11 0

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Sunday 28 November 2010 9:59

you say it was the first time having sex with him in your relationship, does that mean you've already had sex OUTSIDE your relationship?

The_Moustache 6

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Thursday 30 December 2010 8:13

Or she had bad sex.

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Saturday 1 September 2012 5:11

Profile pic hilarious haha

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Wednesday 11 March 2009 9:31

ugh. i hate being patted on the back.

Bullet4MyChemaMo 12

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Thursday 6 May 2010 18:31

Twice? Wow, that makes a difference! Thank goodness he didn't pat your back ONCE!

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Sunday 1 August 2010 5:45

hahahaha

SOD_sonofdixie 5

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 6:33

that sucks sweetheart. FYL, but I feel like every fml I read that I legitimately think that there was a serious dick move involved I feel like it's from florida. do y'all just breed assholes there?

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Wednesday 11 March 2009 9:36

Wow lmao, that must feel terrible. (Hey, I remember I checked "Yes" to this FML while moderating!)

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Wednesday 11 March 2009 9:40

Yeah thats the was i do it too ;)

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Wednesday 11 March 2009 9:45

thats a bad sign... hope the sex was good for him... heh

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Wednesday 11 March 2009 9:55

Ok...that's not really an FML. He patted you on the back, big fuckin deal.

WerewolfCustoms 0

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Wednesday 11 March 2009 10:07

He was still in shock! ;)

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Wednesday 11 March 2009 10:12

If you gave him a blowjob, he may have wanted to avoid any backwash.

ArminAnderson 0

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Wednesday 7 April 2010 8:14

lol

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Friday 1 October 2010 16:35

Cumbreath!

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Wednesday 11 March 2009 10:26

Oh diddums. You got to have sex with a guy you like and he patted you on the back. What shall we do?! World is over! Don't read to deep. I'm bored of these soppy "love" fmylife stories.

enormouselephant 15

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Saturday 20 October 2012 20:01

Matty I'm thinking you may NOT know...

crudeandrudeguy 29

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Sunday 13 December 2015 0:07

Sorry Matty, they can't all be about super hot lesbians/ sock puppets or whatever the hell you consider a good FML.

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Wednesday 11 March 2009 10:33

maybe the sex was only "great" for one of ya's... i mean at least he took your "sad ass" home instead of calling you a cab and letting them do the dirty work.. theres worse things in the world.. think your just being a bit dramatic