Kids: Today, I bought my nephew some giant green Incredible Hulk fists... - FML

By smashed - 24/09/2012 14:33 - United States

Today, I bought my nephew some giant green Incredible Hulk fists for his birthday. He thanked me by Hulk-smashing me in the nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 926

You deserved it 6 376

Stop talking!

Mother of the year

Family values

By Anonymous - 29/03/2017 07:00 - United States - Normal

Today, it's the 6th day in a row my roommate has not left our dorm room. I miss jacking off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 784

You deserved it 1 084

By idrathernotgiveoutmyname - 31/01/2012 02:50 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I was texting the guy I like. He's really smart, funny, athletic, and cute. This all changed when he told me he was jacking off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 827

You deserved it 8 833

By Recon - 17/03/2009 12:16 - Switzerland

Today, I had gone to the store and bought a new wallet. 5 minutes later a security guard asks for my receipt. Turns out I had dropped my receipt. Some guy had picked it up and pretended I had stole his wallet. The guard confiscated my wallet because the guy had "his" receipt to prove it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 103 565

You deserved it 8 390

By abbacjt - 16/01/2009 17:51 - United States

Today, I sent my sister a text about how fat I was becoming and looking as disgusting as my ex husband. When I checked to see if she had received it I saw that I had accidentally sent it to my ex father in law. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 747

You deserved it 26 587

Hormonal hell

By Anonymous - 05/08/2020 23:02

Today, someone drank a sip of my single serve pasteurized orange juice and put it back in the fridge, ignoring the whole jug of non-pasteurized juice, that I cant drink because im pregnant. I cried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 407

You deserved it 220

By jbthedude - 05/08/2011 09:57 - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered that airbags aren't nearly as comfy as they look. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 900

You deserved it 4 568

By banana_tree - 21/04/2014 21:26 - United Kingdom

Today, I joked to a client that every time I see his name, I start singing the song 'Dr Jones' by Aqua. He looked blankly at me, so I broke into song, 'Dr Jones, Dr Jones, calling Dr Jones... ' He still looked blankly, but now also utterly horrified, as were the rest of the waiting room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 373

You deserved it 11 536

By godhatesme - 10/12/2011 08:45 - United States

Spicy

Today, while pulling into my driveway, I slightly bumped into something. My wife. I'll be sleeping on the couch for a while. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 062

You deserved it 20 654

By TheVagabond_SRG - 02/08/2016 06:46 - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I started my first day at a job. First thing my manager does is ask me if I knew the fastest way to kill someone there, then told me with a straight face all of what would occur when dumping a person's head into the deep fryer. Then the psycho assigned me to the fry station. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 457

You deserved it 1 061

By myBFsucks - 05/10/2011 04:16 - Canada

Today, I went to the movies on a date. I went to pay for the tickets when I realized that I didn't have my wallet. Instead of my boyfriend paying, he laughed and paid for his own ticket. Then he went ahead and saw the movie without me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 246

You deserved it 7 513

By disappointment son - 19/05/2017 12:00

Today, I caught and kicked a shoplifter out of my store. The shoplifter was my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 417

You deserved it 230

By anonymous - 17/09/2013 17:52 - United States

Today, I was uninvited to a bachelorette party. I wouldn't really care, if the party hadn't been for me, ahead of my wedding tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 754

You deserved it 3 939

Workers rise up!

By Anonymous - 29/07/2021 08:01 - Canada - Oshawa

Today, I found out that, despite working 4 part-time jobs, that I will not qualify for maternity leave by my due date with the mandatory 600 hours. I can't get full-time work and I'm 8 months pregnant now. This'll be fun! FML

I agree, your life sucks 862

You deserved it 136

By Matt - 29/08/2010 04:53 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I took my date out for dinner to a seafood restaurant and she ordered expensive prawns. Later, when we had sex, she started to complain about her stomach hurting and then had diarrhea for hours. Great job prawns. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 680

You deserved it 5 017

By Arcanin3Boss - 23/06/2015 06:37 - United States - Portland

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to eat dinner with his parents. Everyone wanted me to start the family prayer, and although I hadn't done one in years, I accepted. It went well until I remembered you say "Amen" at the end, not "Uh... Bye." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 305

You deserved it 6 000

By Anonymous - 14/04/2014 20:12 - United States - Ellicott City

Spicy

Today, in the middle of sex, my girlfriend yelled, "STUFF ME LIKE A TURKEY!" I couldn't finish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 536

You deserved it 8 138

By biotch - 06/06/2009 23:46 - United States

Today, as a volunteer at the local daycare, I was with 3 and 4 year olds. They thought it would be funny to trip me and then jump on my back. I hit my elbow hard on the ground. A bunch of pre-schoolers beat me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 622

You deserved it 6 381

By Dumped - 06/04/2017 14:00

Today, at work, I went to place a small item on a shelf. The shelf fell on me, trapping my hand. While lifting it, the top shelf fell against my chest and the products all dumped on my face. I then realized the shelves were only held up by zip ties. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 780

You deserved it 340

By yeah hun i think insects arent animals too - 09/10/2013 07:51 - Germany - Leipzig

Today, I yet again had to pretend to be a dumb bimbo so that my boyfriend wouldn't get upset over the fact that, in some cases, I might be smarter than him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 546

You deserved it 23 794

By Anonymous - 31/01/2013 07:23 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 5 years decided to buy a $2500 taxidermied wolf on eBay. This is the same guy who refuses to get engaged because it would "cost too much right now." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 869

You deserved it 5 746

By Anonymous - 12/04/2015 15:18 - United States - Muncie

Today, I was called a fascist and accused of being "racist" against poor people, all because some crazy meth-mouthed bitch couldn't afford some booze and expected me to cut the price by almost 40% so she could. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 670

You deserved it 2 205

By Katt - 25/04/2016 18:04 - United States - Columbia

Today, I was cuddling my boyfriend on the lobby's couch. We were not paying attention to anything but each other. Apparently, someone tied our shoes together. I stood up and faceplanted into a pool table. I'm now missing two teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 688

You deserved it 6 858

By Anonymous - 28/04/2013 19:53 - Saudi Arabia

Spicy

Today, I got caught masturbating, twice, by the same person. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 212

You deserved it 75 517

By MikeA - 09/06/2017 12:00

Today, I used Siri to text my VP asking for a good time to talk. Siri helpfully changed the text to ask for a "good time to talk my dick" and sent it before I could change it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 441

You deserved it 2 068

By offendedfemme - 26/08/2009 02:16 - United States

Today, I was walking with my husband, holding hands, when a man with a rainbow shirt on came up to us. He said, "I'm so glad that gay men can go out in public without being embarassed nowdays!" He patted me on the back and walked away. I'm a woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 831

You deserved it 6 468

Egg mode

By Anonymous - 01/02/2021 05:00

Today, my house cleaner discovered I cross-dress as she was cleaning. She found the pretty nightgowns I wear to bed and other items. Now she wants extra money or she will make my cross dressing public. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 082

You deserved it 297

By Jex - 06/10/2012 10:04 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I wanted to surprise my long distance girlfriend by flying to her unannounced. When I arrived at her house, her family tells me that she herself boarded an unannounced flight to where I lived hours ago. Surprise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 787

You deserved it 4 256

By Sady_Ct - 17/03/2019 18:00

Today I took my dogs to the off leash dog park as usual. Today some dick decided to feed my pup alcohol while I was cleaning up after my other dog. Now my pup is sick and the vet is worried he may not survive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 332

You deserved it 210

By Snickers - 12/05/2012 04:27 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, while sitting at a red light, I guiltily nibbled on a chocolate bar and looked around to make sure no one saw me cheating on my diet. A police car pulled up, I panicked, stepped on the gas, and ran the light. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 245

You deserved it 53 952

By Missy - 19/10/2011 22:29 - Australia

Today, my parents had a fight as to which one of them is the most cultured. As a result, they've begun writing my chore lists in a variety of languages. If I don't do them, I'm grounded. I only speak English. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 056

You deserved it 3 378

A load of hot air

By SkipBeatOtaku - 16/05/2020 20:00

Spicy

Today, I was having hot sex with my boyfriend. Then, I felt a puff of air hit my face and a rancid smell. My dog had farted in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 542

You deserved it 635

By Anonymous - 13/01/2011 04:05 - Canada

Today, my parrot won't stop repeating my boyfriend's name. The problem is we broke up days ago and my parrot won't shut up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 376

You deserved it 4 911

By Erin - 15/01/2009 15:05 - United States

Today, I fell asleep in English and drooled on my test. Evidently everyone noticed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 356

You deserved it 20 589

Stuck

By robzzz - 16/02/2012 07:13 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I'm forced to eat half a package of saltine crackers in my room for dinner. I can't go downstairs to the kitchen because my two roommates are going at it on our kitchen table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 546

You deserved it 3 811

By bob7654 - 11/11/2016 02:44 - United States - Arlington

Today, my parents asked me if my girlfriend of two years and I wanted to go see a musical with them. I haven't told them that she broke up with me the day after she met them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 179

You deserved it 2 087

By Anonymous - 01/08/2012 04:17 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I tried to explain to my daughter why she couldn’t have a sleepover with her boyfriend yet. She said, "If you're so worried about me having sex, then you failed as a father because I've already banged four guys." FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 093

You deserved it 12 125

By Chandler - 16/09/2011 19:26 - United States

Today, in a desperate bid to avoid going to the doctor, my young son ran into and hid inside a cactus garden. I had to drag him out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 774

You deserved it 2 919

Leg day

By Anonymous - 24/09/2019 02:06

Today, after waiting a year, I asked a coworker who I like to work out at the gym with me. She said yes. I figured this would be the perfect place to show off my body and impress her. In every exercise we did, she lifted more weights than I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 618

You deserved it 2 150

By Anonymous - 07/12/2010 18:32 - United States

Spicy

Today, I sent a picture to my girlfriend of my erect penis with a quote saying "It's waiting for you." She responded with a picture of her left hand showing her left ring finger with a quote saying "It's waiting for you too." FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 040

You deserved it 89 323

By Anonymous - 07/08/2009 02:10 - United States

Today, as I opened my diary to write a new entry, I noticed that every page had little side notes about what I had written. It had an extra long note on the page where I wrote about losing my virginity in great detail. All of the notes ended with "Love, Mom." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 626

You deserved it 8 964

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Top comments

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Monday 24 September 2012 19:01

Hulk smash !

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Monday 24 September 2012 19:04

What's the capital of Thailand op? BANGKOK! Owned! Lol. :D

Comments

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Monday 24 September 2012 19:01

Hulk smash !

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Monday 24 September 2012 19:13

Thank you cousin!! BAM knocks out cousin

TheOrangeProon 13

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Monday 24 September 2012 19:14

Uncle?

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Monday 24 September 2012 19:46

Yeah sorry, you're right! I'm not that good in English, so my mistake. I, ofcourse, meant Uncle! I guess it's just one of those days.. Please forgive me fellow FML'ers!

TheOrangeProon 13

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Monday 24 September 2012 19:52

Haha no worries mate, I'm sure you speak better English than I do your first language. Happens to the best of us.

TourettesGuyFTW 25

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Monday 24 September 2012 20:27

1 = nail + head.

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Monday 24 September 2012 20:45

Puny Balls!

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Monday 24 September 2012 20:46

Pow! Right in the kisser !

Futacy 29

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Monday 24 September 2012 21:10

^ no, you're doing it wrong.

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Monday 24 September 2012 23:36

42- You kiss with your balls?

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Tuesday 25 September 2012 1:24

She kisses with her other tounge

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Tuesday 25 September 2012 1:27

The only thing I can think of is someone fancying touching your nuts. At least he wore gloves.

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Monday 24 September 2012 19:03

He was just in character!

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Monday 24 September 2012 20:06

And now his uncle's character is gonna have a high pitched voice

license2chill 5

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Tuesday 25 September 2012 2:39

maybe the nuts are the only lethal targets the nephew could reach

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Tuesday 25 September 2012 3:56

Just be happy it wasn't the actual Hulk smashing your balls...

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Monday 24 September 2012 19:04

What's the capital of Thailand op? BANGKOK! Owned! Lol. :D

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Monday 24 September 2012 19:14

Not funny. Too bad you can't purchase a sense of humour.

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Monday 24 September 2012 19:19

Then thumb me down... Jeez... Way to be a buzz kill.

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Monday 24 September 2012 19:19

Lies, I got mine from Walmart...it sucks though :(

Sexy_Kisses14 8

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Monday 24 September 2012 19:42

17- your not funny and your profile pic is disgusting!!

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Monday 24 September 2012 20:42

You should of had him hit Djibouti instead. It would've been less painful.

jjohnson26559 1

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Monday 24 September 2012 19:05

Nuts make him angry. You won't like him when he's angry.

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Monday 24 September 2012 19:18

Keep the peanuts and cashews away from him. He might go berserk!

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Monday 24 September 2012 19:05

Buy him a punching bag to go with the gloves so you're safe :)

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Monday 24 September 2012 20:08

Or buy yourself a cup

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Monday 24 September 2012 20:18

A red solo cup.

SenselessPattern 12

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Monday 24 September 2012 20:26

35 And that song is stuck in my head again. Great....

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Monday 24 September 2012 19:06

Puny God.

alwaysbored13 14

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Monday 24 September 2012 23:36

Puny Balls!

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Monday 24 September 2012 19:08

Did anyone else think of Step Brothers as they were reading this FML? Or Is it just me?

windycityassasin 6

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Monday 24 September 2012 19:12

I thought of avengers.

CptZoe 10

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Monday 24 September 2012 23:37

I thought of Big Bang Theory!

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Monday 24 September 2012 19:09

Maybe get the Thor hammer and battle it out.

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Monday 24 September 2012 22:34

Mighty Thor kicks ass!!

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Monday 24 September 2012 19:10

On the other hand,it looks like you're the cool uncle, so good for you!

ProfessionalTrol_fml 14

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Monday 24 September 2012 19:11

He must think he has superpowers now, since he probably knocked you to the ground and all...

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22

You deserved it 16

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 131

You deserved it 28

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 935

You deserved it 70