Today, I bought lunch for my grandparents, aunts, and uncles.... - FML

By AsshatUncle - 30/11/2015 02:47 - United States - Tampa

Today, I bought lunch for my grandparents, aunts, and uncles. My uncle apparently felt uncomfortable at the restaurant, because he got up and flipped the table over before leaving. The bill tripled because of the broken glass, and my uncle called me up later for a ride. FML

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Boozehound alert

Trip Advisor says no

Non-baby fever

By Anonymous - 12/3/2010 02:04 - United States

Today, I thought a pipe was going to burst in my shower because it was making such a loud rumbling so I called my boyfriend freaking out telling him I didnt know what to do. After taking a second to look a little harder, I realized it was my vibrating razor against the shower wall. FML

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By Fluffyman - 10/8/2019 04:00

Today, I realized that I haven’t lost weight. All my clothes have just stretched to fit. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/3/2013 16:13 - United States - Craftsbury

Today, while working, I thought, "I wish my kittens could text so I can talk to them throughout the day." And then I realized, I'm that cat lady you read about. FML

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By RebekahBrooke - 17/9/2011 17:13 - United States

Today, I started my first day as a waitress. After getting my ass slapped, drinks and food spilled over me, and being tripped by a bratty kid, my tips were stolen. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2009 06:49 - United States

Today, I was skating with my friends and I decided to go to the gas station to get a pack of cigs. The last thing I remember hearing was "Look out!" I am now with twenty stitches because some idiot bet he could throw a brick farther than another guy. FML

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By Sean - 3/3/2012 07:33 - Canada

Today, while my plane took off, I was forced to sit and watch as somebody rear-ended my car in the parking lot. FML

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By stoych - 8/10/2012 07:14 - United Kingdom

Today, after a great first date, he leaned in to kiss me. I held my breath slightly. This resulted in me breathing out through my nose, blowing a huge snot bubble, which then burst on his face. He looked at me in horror and walked away. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2014 19:21 - United States - Glasgow

Today, I walked in on my dad singing along to a song on Sesame Street. He tried to divert attention from what I'd just witnessed by angrily grilling me over "just barging in" and not respecting people's privacy. Apparently he forgot that we were in the living room. FML

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By Tib - 18/12/2009 06:42 - United States

Today, I had to take a urine test. I drank a lot of water so that I wouldn't force it. When I got there, I had to pee really bad. The cup was too small and when I relieved my bladder, it was a jet that rebounded off of the cup and overflowed going all over my hands, clothes, toilet, and floor. FML

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By StrawHatBill - 13/2/2015 14:54 - United States

Today, I found out that honestly answering "yes" to "Are Kate Upton's boobs bigger than mine?" is in my girlfriend's mind the equivalent of saying I don't find her attractive anymore and that I want to break up with her to date a supermodel. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2012 04:05 - United States - Springfield

Today, in the "end-of-the-world" spirit, I asked my boyfriend to marry me. His response was, "It's really windy out." FML

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By Perdito_Coño - 5/9/2014 20:55 - Australia - Quakers Hill

Today, I was about to lose my virginity to my girlfriend. Unfortunately, she started fake-moaning like a pornstar before I even entered her, totally killing the mood and my boner. She swore she hadn't moaned, accused me of not finding her attractive enough, and angrily left. FML

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By anonymous - 25/11/2015 02:59 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I learned that I cannot cook or clean in my kitchen because it's too noisy for my neighbour. Every time I do, she bangs on the wall. FML

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By wrestling probs - 26/5/2015 02:24 - United States

Today, I was wrestling in a tournament. I was in the finals about to win when the kid threw up on me. They thought I'd hit him in the stomach hard enough to make him throw up, so they disqualified me. FML

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By blind - 24/6/2009 12:11 - South Africa

Today, I was texting a friend of mine. She mentioned it was her dad's birthday. I typed "Tell him Happy Birthday for me!" and as I pressed send I remember her dad was dead. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2009 06:43 - United States

Today, I got a paper back that was given a zero for suspected plagiarism. Everything I wrote was my own thought and analysis. My instructor basically thinks my paper is smarter than I am. He won't listen, even when I explain my thought processes throughout the piece. FML

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By Wowsers. - 30/1/2010 08:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I was woken up by my own fart. FML

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By UncleRory - 16/5/2009 09:13 - United States

Today, I was shopping at a supermarket. As I was about to pay for my items, I noticed the cashier was very cute. Trying to be nice, I smiled. She smiled back and said "Hello, how are you?" Instead of saying "I'm good" or "I'm okay", I said "I'm gay". FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2019 22:01

Jagged Little Pill

Today, my daughter wanted to show me the tooth she had just lost. As I was in a rush to leave for work, I quickly picked up and swallowed my pill that was on the kitchen table. It was only until I looked back down at the table did I see not only my pill, but one extremely angry daughter glaring at me. FML

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By beagle1 - 3/4/2012 15:10 - United States - Knoxville

Today, I met separately with the President and Chairman of the company regarding a product that I'm designing. Each ordered me to do the opposite of whatever the other instructed. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2014 16:19 - United States - Memphis

Today, my girlfriend confessed that she's been cheating on me for the past two months. Apparently she thought I'd take it well, because when I yelled at her for being a heartless bitch, she stuttered "S-sike!" and tried to play it off as a prank. She's acting like we're still dating. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/2/2010 00:29 - United States

Today, my roommate brought a kitten to the apartment. I hate cats, and probably sensing this, the thing clawed me right in the crotch. I of course am not going to say a thing because I happen to be in love with my roommate, but she has no clue how much I hate this thing. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/3/2012 16:36 - United Kingdom

Today, a stuffed ferret was the latest addition to the list of weird items my colleagues have found in our rubbish tip, and that they put in my office. The list also includes explicit fetish porn playing cards, live ammo and dead pheasants, to name a few. I need a new job. FML

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By BadatDIY - 16/11/2009 14:04 - United Kingdom

Today, the maintenance workers finally came to my apartment to fix the shower-head that kept falling off the wall. I was annoyed because they had replaced it a few weeks ago and since then, it'd been a problem. They went into my bathroom, turned the shower head around, and left. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2014 21:12 - United States - Denver

Today, after a solid month of hard work, I finally finished modeling and animating a 3D insect character for a scene. After presenting it to the rest of my team, one of my teammates pointed out that it looks exactly like a flying penis. FML

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By Fefe - 13/7/2010 02:43 - United States

Today, tired of my social anxiety making me look uncool, I told everyone I was going out partying tonight. I'm actually just going to watch 'Jersey Shore' and pretend I'm with the cast. Something even more sad? I'm really excited. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2016 04:27 - United States - Cabot

Today, I got my dog some weight loss formula food, as she is very overweight. This new food makes her have horrible gas. FML

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By SphereMaiden - 22/2/2018 01:30

Today, after ignoring me for about a week, my boyfriend finally broke up with me. Why? He discovered that I use prescription deodorant. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2010 07:21 - United States

Today, I was at work as a musician, sitting on a piano bench. Suddenly I found myself at eye-level with the piano, dumped on the floor by the broken bench, with my legs splayed out. I felt like I picked the wrong day to wear a skirt to work - but the audience members all disagreed. FML

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By thankspops - 29/9/2010 23:04 - United States

Today, I found out that the $200 a week I was paying my dad for my car insurance and payment, wasn't actually paying my insurance and car payment. How did I find out he wasn't paying? Repo man took my car. FML

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By Lori - 4/11/2015 18:46 - United States - Littleton

Today, I agreed to go on a date with this really nice guy. Halfway through the date he starts talking about his wife and kids. FML

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By - 18/1/2020 05:00

Very frustrating

Today my Assistant Manager decided to pull a prank on me by walking up behind me and screaming my name. I screamed in terror and then swung around and punched him full force dead center in the chest right in front of my supervisor, manager, and several other employees. FML

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By squishy - 11/2/2010 00:07 - United States

Today, my 4-year-old niece told me she likes it when I'm around because I'm "squishy and smell like fried chicken all the time." FML

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By anon - 20/7/2011 07:55 - Canada

Today, my neighbor finally cut the grass on his front lawn. At 2 in the morning. FML

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By shmarf - 20/6/2015 06:00 - United States - Belton

Today, my girlfriend gave me my first ever blowjob and she surprised me by deciding to swallow. Or so I thought. When she came up to kiss me, she spat my man-milk into my mouth and almost pissed herself laughing when I freaked out and nearly threw up. FML

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By sickofit - 31/12/2016 08:24 - United States - Charlotte

Today, at work, our boss's son came in to help. The whole time he was there he sat in the back on his phone not helping and whenever we asked him to do something, he had an attitude. The only time he voluntarily got up to help was when his dad came in to check on the restaurant. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2009 10:11 - United States

Today, I found out that a co-worker of mine that I had originally hired, trained, and mentored to work in my department for the past 4 years had just got the promotion that I had applied for. He is now my boss. FML

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By StickyWicket - 14/5/2019 18:00

Today, at work where I'm a physiotherapist, I was helping a patient with lower back pain. While I was massaging him, he shat himself. FML

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By insurgent - 3/5/2016 08:31 - Belgium - Antwerpen

Today, I'm so lonely, I wrote my number on a desk at my university, hoping someone would text me. FML

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By anonymous - 18/12/2016 03:15

Today, my pregnant sister has apparently always loved my boyfriend's name and wants to give it to her child. She expects me to break up with my boyfriend so "it doesn't get weird." FML

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Top comments

By askullnamedbilly | 33

#6474254 - Monday 30 November 2015 17:38

Does it really need to be said? Get him to pay you back for the broken table, and consider not ever inviting him out again.

By Tripartita | 44

#6474267 - Monday 30 November 2015 17:43

He sounds like the kind of guy you'd hate to beat at board games.

COMMENTS

By TurtleShampoo | 14

#6474252 - Monday 30 November 2015 17:37

You can always say no

By moodyreallyrocks | 27

#6474253 - Monday 30 November 2015 17:38

Wow!! Talk about ungrateful. So Sorry OP!

By askullnamedbilly | 33

#6474254 - Monday 30 November 2015 17:38

Does it really need to be said? Get him to pay you back for the broken table, and consider not ever inviting him out again.

By johnjingleheimer | 13

#6474257 - Monday 30 November 2015 17:39

Did you give him the ride?

Reply

Ipeh | 20

#6474491 - Monday 30 November 2015 21:55

It maddens the hell out of me when some people leave us out in the cold with no follow-up.

By DogeDogeDoge | 13

#6474258 - Monday 30 November 2015 17:40

At least you know who to not invite over next time..

By crochet_addict | 10

#6474261 - Monday 30 November 2015 17:41

Rude and ungrateful

By TMWhisp | 22

#6474262 - Monday 30 November 2015 17:42

Maybe you should flip him the bird as you drive by without him.

By Tripartita | 44

#6474267 - Monday 30 November 2015 17:43

He sounds like the kind of guy you'd hate to beat at board games.

Reply

derangedplanet | 23

#6474465 - Monday 30 November 2015 21:12

I feel like every good board game ends in that kinda stuff regardless if there's a lack of a tantrum thrower. Then again maybe yall have calmer families than me. I don't know. all I know is feelings are very hurt after monopoly.

Reply

GhostDuck | 30

#6475151 - Tuesday 1 December 2015 19:43

I feel like no matter how tame, everyone fights after Monopoly. Everyone.
Meanwhile, my family can't get through a few rounds of Uno before there's arguing and slapping courtesy of the 12 year old.

By olpally | 32

#6474269 - Monday 30 November 2015 17:44

Don't pick him up. What a dick.

By cheeology | 22

#6474270 - Monday 30 November 2015 17:46

Did something trigger him OP? Or does he have any mental issues? Hopefully someone helped you pay the bill after all.