Miscellaneous: Today, I bought lunch for my grandparents, aunts, and uncles.... - FML

By AsshatUncle - United States - Tampa

Today, I bought lunch for my grandparents, aunts, and uncles. My uncle apparently felt uncomfortable at the restaurant, because he got up and flipped the table over before leaving. The bill tripled because of the broken glass, and my uncle called me up later for a ride. FML

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Can they do that?

You dingdong!

Leave me alone!

By cheaphubbyswife - Canada

Today, I took my son for a walk to tell him about the passing of our family dog. As we were walking by the river, Ozzy (our deceased dog) was laying on the riverbank. My son thought he just ran away and we found him. Turns out my husband was too cheap to pay the 100$ vet disposal fees. FML

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By KAAALIS - United States

Today, I bit my boyfriend's neck. I felt something squirt into my mouth. Turns out I had just popped a pimple on his neck. Into my mouth. FML

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By quickfingers100 - United Kingdom

Today, I fell asleep in class. I'm the teacher. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pittsburg

Today, I witnessed some greasy twat trying to chat a girl up by negging her, which is basically insulting a woman to lower her self-esteem so she's more likely to put out. "Goddamn negger", I muttered. "The fuck did you just say?!" yelled a black guy standing beside me. FML

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By crosseyed - United Kingdom

Today, I was in the cafeteria when I noticed a new worker cleaning a table. As I passed her, she looked up and smiled at me. Thinking she was pulling a funny face, I jokingly crossed my eyes and smiled back. She looked hurt and continued working. Later, she served me my lunch. She was actually cross-eyed. FML

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By bruised - Canada - Fredericton

Today, I went to the movies with my boyfriend. The movie was in 3D, and he couldn't help but notice it would be much cooler if you could feel what the characters did. He spent the next two hours slapping me every time the person in the movie did, claiming the movie would be "better". FML

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By heymacie - United States - Lubbock

Today, I was at a family gathering with my boyfriend. Jokingly, my grandmother swatted my butt to get me to move. Out of habit, I moaned quite loudly. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while fingering my girlfriend in the dark, I tried to be sexy and licked my fingers. After we turned the lights back on, we realized that her period had come early. FML

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By please don't get the succ - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my job as a sailing instructor, I had to stop kids from getting their asses sucked by a pool filter. FML

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By anonymous - United States - El Cajon

Today, my teacher assigned us teams in a class debate. I landed on the team that had to argue the obviously wrong point of view. When I finished, my teacher told me and the entire class how much I disturbed her, and how I reminded her of Hitler and Napoleon. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2021 14:01

Disney 2021

Today, I realised that I'm kinda living the life of a Disney princess, because I'm lonely and all my friends are animals. Yes, I also talk to them. FML

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By greattt - United States

Today, I went to get my school picture taken, when the photographer looked at me, saying, "You look like you need a mirror." FML

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By SMV - France

Today, my company was having a huge party. I got to work dressed in my best outfit. At the the lunch break my boss told me, "You really missed out on something yesterday, it was great fun!" FML

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By Stacy - United States

Today, while using the restroom at work, I dropped my keys into the toilet. I left to find something to get them out and figured nobody would use a toilet with keys in it. I came back to a bowl of dung and "Shit happens" written on the wall in lipstick. FML

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By fuckedalready - United States

Today, the cleaning lady left a note that said my room was too dirty to clean. FML

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By Anthony Hathaway

Today, as I was taking the garbage out, I tripped over my own feet, causing my knee to dislocate in such a way that it shattered the back of my kneecap and fractured my femur. I guess I won't be taking the garbage out again anytime soon. FML

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By Mike - 16/9/2020 09:02 - Bulgaria - Sofia

Baby brain

Today, we had two-year wedding anniversary. A few months ago, I insisted on going to a therapist because my wife can only think and talk about our one-year kid. My present for her was a Spa day, flowers and chocolate. Her gift to me was a Lego set to build for our kid. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I frantically chased a customer down the parking lot, because they had left their package at my register. Only to find out that the whole time I was chasing the wrong person. FML

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By I knew it! - United States - Washington

Today, I woke up to 6 missed calls. I called back to find a woman asking how I know her boyfriend after seeing our texts. I told her he's been my boyfriend for 4 months, and she told me he's been hers for over a year. He vehemently denied knowing who I am as I spoke, even with obvious proof. FML

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By stickyandwet - Australia - Perth

Today, 3 hours into a 7-hour flight, I only ate half the chocolate mousse that came with my meal and decided to give the rest to my boyfriend. While reaching for his tray, he mistook the action as me stealing his mousse. We spent the rest of the flight covered in sticky soft drink splatter. FML

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By Anonymous

Leg day

Today, after waiting a year, I asked a coworker who I like to work out at the gym with me. She said yes. I figured this would be the perfect place to show off my body and impress her. In every exercise we did, she lifted more weights than I did. FML

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By latepayer - United States

Today, I found out that I owed my school $0.20. They decided to charge me a late fee of $20 for deferring the intial payment. FML

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By guessnot - Canada - Toronto

Today, the guy that I've liked for a while but never had the courage to talk to was wearing a TARDIS shirt. I jokingly asked, "Are you the Doctor?" His response was for me to "Go away, f***ing nerd." FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2020 00:30 - United States - Savannah

Boundaries

Today, I woke up to my step-mother taking a shower in my bathroom. Of course, this would be fine, if my bathroom wasn't connected to my room and closet, or that I live in an apartment in their back yard, built before she moved in. FML

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By pvcnutcrackingdomqueen4u - United States - Monmouth Junction

Today, I went on a blind date. People always joke about how horrible Axe is, but this guy sprayed it on so thick that I genuinely had to fight to not retch the entire time. It was so bad that at one point I thought I was going to pass out. FML

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By Anonymous - Mexico

Today, I have to get an ultrasound at the hospital. In order to get a clear picture, I need to have a full bladder. I've been waiting my turn for 2 hours now, desperately needing to pee. There are still multiple patients ahead of me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was late to a sold out movie in the theater, so I had to shuffle in during the previews in the dark. I sat down in what I thought was the last vacant seat, but I'd really just sat in a small woman's lap. She was not happy. FML

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By Anonymous - Belgium

Today, my mother used global warming as an excuse for not remembering my birthday. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Saint-hubert

Good tasting

Today, my roommate left those powdered donuts in the kitchen. Hungry, I decided to try one. Turns out, the white powder wasn't sugar. It was cocaine. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went on my first date in over a year, and my best friend popped up at the restaurant uninvited. To make it worse, she pulled up a chair right in between us and started an argument with the bartender. FML

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By Anonimo - Italy - Monserrato

Today, after a year of living with my boyfriend at our new place, he told me that he wants to sell our house and live in a trailer, so he can be closer to his mom. FML

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By bubbashrek - United States

Today, I realized my soon to be ex wife is stalking me online. Everytime I block her she creates a new profile. She left me 9 months ago. FML

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By Jesska - United States

Today, I was applying Icy Hot. I squeezed the bottle too hard making it squirt in my eye. I ran to the bathroom in agony, turned on the faucet, and slammed my face right into it. FML

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By forgettable - 21/6/2020 20:08

Revenge is rarely satisfactory

Today, I wanted to rub my success in my ex's face to get her back for breaking my heart. I typed the perfect email, included every detail of opening my own business, buying my own home and cleverly intertwined insults. A few hours later, she replied, "That’s nice. Who’s this?" FML

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By misty - Canada

Today, after checking in and waiting 3 hours to see the doctor, the receptionist said she forgot about me because she didn't see me. She asked me to come back tomorrow. I was sitting right in front of her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend to Taco Bell since it's her favorite place to eat. I thought it'd be cute to get one of the sauce packets that says "Will you marry me?" on it and give it to her all cute-like. She thought it was adorable. While we were leaving, she threw it out. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, while standing in line at a local Mexican fast food place, I was feeling generous and let a little kid behind me go in front. Turns out he had a list, and was ordering food for his whole family. I had to wait 30 minutes to get my food. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Hyde Park

Today, my younger brother, who still lives in our parents' basement and has never held a job in his life, announced that his girlfriend is pregnant with their third child. I'm a college graduate living on my own and I've never even had sex. FML

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By thedeerman - United States

Today, I found out my wife and three daughters all have their period on seperate weeks. I now have no break from yelling. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2020 17:01

Nutritious

Today, I caught my dog “cleaning” the cat’s litter box. He won’t be giving me any kisses anytime soon. FML

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Top comments

By askullnamedbilly | 33

#6474254 - Monday 30 November 2015 17:38

Does it really need to be said? Get him to pay you back for the broken table, and consider not ever inviting him out again.

By Tripartita | 44

#6474267 - Monday 30 November 2015 17:43

He sounds like the kind of guy you'd hate to beat at board games.

COMMENTS

By TurtleShampoo | 14

#6474252 - Monday 30 November 2015 17:37

You can always say no

By moodyreallyrocks | 27

#6474253 - Monday 30 November 2015 17:38

Wow!! Talk about ungrateful. So Sorry OP!

By askullnamedbilly | 33

#6474254 - Monday 30 November 2015 17:38

Does it really need to be said? Get him to pay you back for the broken table, and consider not ever inviting him out again.

By johnjingleheimer | 13

#6474257 - Monday 30 November 2015 17:39

Did you give him the ride?

Reply

Ipeh | 20

#6474491 - Monday 30 November 2015 21:55

It maddens the hell out of me when some people leave us out in the cold with no follow-up.

By DogeDogeDoge | 13

#6474258 - Monday 30 November 2015 17:40

At least you know who to not invite over next time..

By crochet_addict | 10

#6474261 - Monday 30 November 2015 17:41

Rude and ungrateful

By TMWhisp | 22

#6474262 - Monday 30 November 2015 17:42

Maybe you should flip him the bird as you drive by without him.

By Tripartita | 44

#6474267 - Monday 30 November 2015 17:43

He sounds like the kind of guy you'd hate to beat at board games.

Reply

derangedplanet | 23

#6474465 - Monday 30 November 2015 21:12

I feel like every good board game ends in that kinda stuff regardless if there's a lack of a tantrum thrower. Then again maybe yall have calmer families than me. I don't know. all I know is feelings are very hurt after monopoly.

Reply

GhostDuck | 30

#6475151 - Tuesday 1 December 2015 19:43

I feel like no matter how tame, everyone fights after Monopoly. Everyone.
Meanwhile, my family can't get through a few rounds of Uno before there's arguing and slapping courtesy of the 12 year old.

By olpally | 32

#6474269 - Monday 30 November 2015 17:44

Don't pick him up. What a dick.

By cheeology | 22

#6474270 - Monday 30 November 2015 17:46

Did something trigger him OP? Or does he have any mental issues? Hopefully someone helped you pay the bill after all.