Today, I bought lunch for my grandparents, aunts, and uncles.... - FML

By AsshatUncle - 30/11/2015 02:47 - United States - Tampa

Today, I bought lunch for my grandparents, aunts, and uncles. My uncle apparently felt uncomfortable at the restaurant, because he got up and flipped the table over before leaving. The bill tripled because of the broken glass, and my uncle called me up later for a ride. FML

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Superficial World

Fear factor

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

By Anonymous - 22/5/2010 00:19 - United States

Today, at the pool, I tried to impress the hot lifeguard by doing the perfect dive. Afterward, I realized my shorts were floating through the water. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2009 16:39 - United States

Today, I got my laptop back after sending it to Dell to repair water damage after a night of partying. Dell returned my computer unrepaired, saying it was unfixable. When I called to ask why they couldn't fix it, they told me it was a biohazard. Someone got drunk and pissed on my laptop. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2014 18:34 - United Kingdom - Rugby

Today, I had my third date with a lovely guy. After I got home, I figured I'd try to see if I could find his Facebook profile. I did. His pictures were nice; lovely wedding photos for sure, and his newborn baby is adorable. FML

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By sad but true. - 15/4/2014 23:18 - United States - Storrs Mansfield

Today, my professor ran half a mile in the pouring rain just to return my cell phone, which I had left behind in lecture. Shocked and embarrassed, I exclaimed, "You shouldn't have!" "Damn right," he responded, "I'm 64 years old." FML

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By Display - 27/9/2012 04:10 - France - Paris

Today, I injured myself in the geekiest way possible; I managed to crush my nipple while closing my laptop. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2014 07:17 - United States - Rapid City

Today, my teen son gave me the completed manuscript of the novel he's been working on for 4 years. Surprised and excited that he showed so much dedication to something, I volunteered to read it. I'm only on page 16 and it's absolute drivel, with grammar that makes my eyes bleed. Only 281 pages to go. FML

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By Bwberry - 29/11/2017 19:00

Today, I spent hours hand-painting an awesome design on a gift for a friend. My husband was supposed to assemble it when I finished, but when I stepped back to admire my work, he informed me that the whole thing was sideways. He watched me paint it. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/7/2012 20:10 - Nigeria - Lagos

Today, my dad was making coffee for the family. Half-way through, he excused himself to the bathroom, so for a laugh, I discreetly poured a load of salt into his drink. When he served us, I drank a mouthful and doubled over hacking. My dad barked, "I wasn't born yesterday, son." FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2019 16:02

A rock and a hard place

Today, I got back from a camping trip after being homesick for 3 weeks. I couldn't remember why I had wanted to be away from my family for so long when I signed up for it. When I got home, I remembered. Everyone in my family hates each other. I want to go back to the camping site. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/3/2014 23:13 - United States

Today, my mother decided to tell me about how my twin brother almost killed me in the womb when his cord wrapped around my neck. When she left the room, he said, "You won't be so lucky next time." FML

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By sammarli530 - 29/5/2013 16:24 - United States - New Lenox

Today, after calling the insurance plan for my new iPhone a "huge waste of money", I promptly dropped it in the store while trying to put it into my pocket, cracking the screen. FML

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By forever single, I guess - 15/3/2013 22:43 - United States

Today, at college, I finally talked myself into confessing my feelings to a girl I really like. Her response was to threaten to sue me. For what, exactly? I have no goddamned idea. I just don't understand people anymore. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/4/2013 04:59 - Canada

Today, it's my 17th birthday, and the first birthday since my mother died, leaving me to live with my previously-absent father. He gave me pretzels and a laser pointer, and said, "Happy birthday, fuckstick". One more year. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2010 02:48 - United States

Today, after uprooting my life to help my boyfriend, I realized I receive more affection from my landlord's dog than I have from my boyfriend since I've moved here. FML

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By david - 28/4/2009 14:08 - United States

Today, I decided to smoke a cigarette while I was driving to work. I was also eating french fries during the drive. I had never realized how much a cigarette feels like a french fry. In conclusion, cigarettes don't taste very good when you bite into them. FML

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By anonymous - 16/2/2015 12:57 - Australia - Rockdale

Today, I received a bunch of flowers from my 'lover'. This would be fine except that I don't have a lover, and my boyfriend now thinks I'm cheating. FML

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By "Brain_fart" - 18/9/2017 05:00 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I found out that both of my cats are afraid of mice. So far I've seen them run and hide from 3 different mice who've recently invaded my apartment. FML

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By Kyle - 5/1/2012 06:58 - United States

Today, I jokingly mocked my dad about his age. He jokingly poured milk all over my head. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2011 08:12 - United States

Today, my ex-wife crashed my engagement party. FML

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By Grace - 20/6/2010 00:40 - United States

Today, a close friend pointed out to me how ironic it is that I make the Sim version of myself work out to lose weight, while I sit on my fat ass playing video games. FML

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By mmoments - 17/11/2015 19:01 - United States

Today, I took a picture of the combination to my new lock so I would always have it on my phone if I ever forgot it. I put my phone in my gym locker, locked it with the new lock, then promptly forgot the combination. FML

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By xXMudkipNoobXx - 13/1/2012 01:20 - United States

Today, my mom was more upset about my 67 on an Algebra test than my sister almost setting the house on fire. FML

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By Jess - 20/12/2013 08:02 - United States - Modesto

Today, in a desperate attempt to add some variety to my life, I resorted to closing my eyes and picking a random font for my essay paper. FML

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By Stef - 5/12/2018 05:00

Today, as I was about to go to bed, the lid came off a brand new bottle of laundry detergent and it toppled down my carpeted basement steps. 3 hours, 2 dozen microfiber cloths, and a bucket of water later and my steps are still full of suds. I went to bed at 3 am and my 10 week old was up at 4 am. FML

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By bigmouth - 2/8/2009 07:35 - United States

Today, I was working as a host at a pasta dinner. The hostess I was working with was very attractive and we were flirting quite a bit. A large woman walked in to be seated, and I leaned over to her and dared her to ask the woman if she wanted two chairs. She leaned back and said "that's my mom". FML

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By fatty fatfuck - 10/5/2020 17:00

You can't win

Today, after losing my job and being quarantined alone, I realized I've gained quite a bit of weight due to depression. I decided to do something about it and walk around my neighborhood. A group of teens followed me laughing and hurling insults until I cried. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2018 19:00

Today, my best friend of 12 years traveled cross country to help me recover from major surgery. I've been sitting in the hospital by myself while she has sex in my empty apartment with some guy she met. FML

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By Elizabeth - 29/7/2011 19:56 - United States

Today, I called my boyfriend to let him know that after he gets off work, he can find me in his room wearing something sexy. He responded with, "Please don't touch anything." FML

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By nopethanks - 31/10/2014 12:05 - United States - Eden Prairie

Today, I woke up really early to get ready for an interview. I guess it was too early because my mom thought someone broke into our house and now I have two bruised ribs. FML

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By Richard - 6/2/2010 18:39 - France

Today, there was a new and extremely attractive girl at youth group, so I decided to introduce myself. Her reply was, "Wow, I've always wanted to meet a gay guy!" FML

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By rejecteddd - 4/7/2011 20:07 - United States

Today, I went on a blind date. Right after I arrived there, he excused himself to go to the bathroom. He never came back. FML

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By anonymous - 5/5/2015 06:42 - United States - Lakeland

Today, I decided it was time to start looking for my own place and finally gain my full independence. My mom agreed happily without hesitation, which was surprising, but not anywhere near as surprising as finding out I have one day to get my shit together and leave. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2010 06:21 - United States

Today, I went shopping with my Mom. I ran into my crush. A school dance is soon and he WAS just about to ask something but my mom glanced over and yelled "TAMPONS OR PADS, SWEETIE?!" He then changed his question to "Haha, so which?" And before I could say a word, my mother answered for me. FML

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By anonymous - 14/3/2010 05:04 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend said he wanted to marry me. Since he doesn't know my ring size he asked for me to find a ring that I liked and he would buy it and propose. The only problem is that he won't spend more than 200 dollars on it. Oh the generosity. FML

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By Ohkourt - 20/4/2020 05:00

Mommy dearest

Today, I woke up only to find my half-naked drunk mother in my living room, talking in her sleep about how much she hates me. She still doesn't see what's wrong with this picture. FML

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By kdgirl - 21/9/2010 03:02 - United States

Today, my Grandmother gave me rosary beads for my birthday. She told me I better start praying for a husband. FML

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By skyhawk13 - 30/10/2009 05:11 - United States

Today, at my school's Midnight Madness, I was selected to show my school spirit in a contest. Being drunk, I decided to hump the school mascot in front of 300 people. FML

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By StudentAbroad - 18/2/2016 13:27 - Ukraine - Kiev

Today, several Ukrainians didn't believe me when I said I was American. Apparently I'm not fat enough. FML

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By penguins - 13/11/2010 00:30 - United States

Today, I found out that in the three years I've been dating my boyfriend, his parents have secretly been going through all of his emails, including the ones I've sent him with "sexy" pictures attached. I can't look his parents in the eye without being reminded that they've both seen me naked. FML

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By I hear everything... - 22/4/2017 18:00

Today, I can now identify which of my four roommates is using the washroom, based on their grunts. I just love having a bedroom beside the bathroom. FML

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Top comments

By askullnamedbilly | 33

#6474254 - Monday 30 November 2015 17:38

Does it really need to be said? Get him to pay you back for the broken table, and consider not ever inviting him out again.

By Tripartita | 44

#6474267 - Monday 30 November 2015 17:43

He sounds like the kind of guy you'd hate to beat at board games.

Comments

By TurtleShampoo | 14

#6474252 - Monday 30 November 2015 17:37

You can always say no

By moodyreallyrocks | 27

#6474253 - Monday 30 November 2015 17:38

Wow!! Talk about ungrateful. So Sorry OP!

By askullnamedbilly | 33

#6474254 - Monday 30 November 2015 17:38

Does it really need to be said? Get him to pay you back for the broken table, and consider not ever inviting him out again.

By johnjingleheimer | 13

#6474257 - Monday 30 November 2015 17:39

Did you give him the ride?

Reply

Ipeh | 20

#6474491 - Monday 30 November 2015 21:55

It maddens the hell out of me when some people leave us out in the cold with no follow-up.

By DogeDogeDoge | 13

#6474258 - Monday 30 November 2015 17:40

At least you know who to not invite over next time..

By crochet_addict | 10

#6474261 - Monday 30 November 2015 17:41

Rude and ungrateful

By TMWhisp | 22

#6474262 - Monday 30 November 2015 17:42

Maybe you should flip him the bird as you drive by without him.

By Tripartita | 44

#6474267 - Monday 30 November 2015 17:43

He sounds like the kind of guy you'd hate to beat at board games.

Reply

derangedplanet | 23

#6474465 - Monday 30 November 2015 21:12

I feel like every good board game ends in that kinda stuff regardless if there's a lack of a tantrum thrower. Then again maybe yall have calmer families than me. I don't know. all I know is feelings are very hurt after monopoly.

Reply

GhostDuck | 30

#6475151 - Tuesday 1 December 2015 19:43

I feel like no matter how tame, everyone fights after Monopoly. Everyone.
Meanwhile, my family can't get through a few rounds of Uno before there's arguing and slapping courtesy of the 12 year old.

By olpally | 32

#6474269 - Monday 30 November 2015 17:44

Don't pick him up. What a dick.

By cheeology | 22

#6474270 - Monday 30 November 2015 17:46

Did something trigger him OP? Or does he have any mental issues? Hopefully someone helped you pay the bill after all.