Miscellaneous: Today, I bought a safe. I put all of my most prized possessions...

By smarty - 16/10/2009 21:02 - United States

Today, I bought a safe. I put all of my most prized possessions in it, including all of my jewelry, family heirlooms and important papers. Oh, and just before I locked it up, I put the key to the safe in there too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 589

You deserved it 50 153

Miscellaneous

Hiding from the drama

Age difference

Triage

Dad prank #9866

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Sweden

Today, I had to basically ground my own husband, after he tricked our 6-year-old son into getting his tongue stuck to a frozen pole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 022

You deserved it 4 981

By madd_dizzle - 25/10/2009 15:39 - United States

Today, my crush finally let me drive his truck for the first time in a empty parking lot, after he told me he liked me. It was so dark that I ended up driving into and pole and totaled his car. Now he hates me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 719

You deserved it 43 306

This is America

By AngryBlackMan - 03/02/2021 21:30 - United States

Today, I'm a gay, black man who moved to a racist, mainly white, homophobic town for work. I've already had the cops called on me twice, and a group of teens yelled the f-slur at me unprompted. When I asked my boss if I could swap, he threatened to fire me. This is gonna be a long 6 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 338

You deserved it 195

By Renesmeekuhnell - 28/02/2010 16:00 - Denmark

Today, I had to walk through the blistering snow, because my boss needed something really important: cream cheese. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 140

You deserved it 2 969

Deal or no Deal

By Anonymous - 16/04/2020 02:00

Today, my boyfriend's farts got so bad that we made a deal: every day that he doesn't fart, he gets a blowjob. Suddenly, he's not letting gas out anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 953

You deserved it 1 934

By Meow - 11/07/2009 06:28 - Australia

Today, while working at McDonald's a car full of obnoxious teens came through. They had made a $30 order, and handed me a tin of small change, claiming that on a McDonald's ad they saw that we, employees, liked counting change. I had to count out $30 in spare change during a rush period at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 193

You deserved it 4 870

By FlorenceD - 12/08/2012 04:34 - United States - Dallas

Today, I was walking up some stairs and heard a noise as if someone was following me. The faster I went, the louder the noise got. I was too scared to realize that it was just my thighs causing my jeans to chafe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 417

You deserved it 10 806

By Ugh - 12/07/2019 04:00

Today, I was on the bus. I have a phobia of babies crying, and recently, whenever I've been on a long journey, there's been one and I've had an anxiety attack. There were no babies on this bus, just an old lady showing her friend videos of her screaming grandchild. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 504

You deserved it 480

Understanding

By nothanks - 22/08/2010 13:42 - United States

Today, after struggling with an eating disorder and hiding my symptoms for months, I got up the courage to tell my mom that I need help. Then she asked if an ice cream would make me feel better. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 673

You deserved it 5 815

By Rosie - 13/06/2012 16:07 - Germany - Wesel

Today, I woke up to the sight of my boyfriend playing a game on my iPhone with his penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 246

You deserved it 5 220

Creepypasta

By CSU Ramming - 22/10/2021 22:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 665

You deserved it 224

By Anonymous - 02/03/2017 22:00

Today, while I was doing my job as a groundskeeper, a couple of kids wearing MAGA hats threw garbage and rocks at me, then told me to "go back where you came from". I'm American, but I guess my beard makes me look like an immigrant or something, as this isn't the first time this has happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 112

You deserved it 1 010

By shitty day - 30/11/2011 10:53 - United States

Today, I have the stomach flu. If my belly growls, I have 30 seconds or less to get to the bathroom. I can't go to the doctor for fear of shitting my pants on the trip there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 104

You deserved it 2 418

By wellokaythen - 14/05/2013 19:52 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I heard noises outside my front door. I looked out through the window, only to see my boyfriend encouraging his dog to take a dump on my welcome mat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 825

You deserved it 5 091

By FuturePolice - 23/01/2012 09:56 - United States

Today, I was accepted into a police academy. I called my girlfriend of 2 years, who was supportive through the process. She promptly broke up with me, stating, "You'll be really busy in the academy, and I can't marry a police officer. Its a dangerous job." And then called me selfish for "doing this to us." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 463

You deserved it 3 492

By FUCK - 22/07/2013 18:29 - United States - Chicago

Today, I won an award for Employee of the Month. Shocked, I asked my boss if he'd gotten my name mixed up or something. He had. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 226

You deserved it 10 856

By Anonymous - 29/10/2014 08:19 - Australia - Ashburton

Today, trying to be a good role model for the kids behind me, I stopped and thoroughly checked both sides of the road before crossing. I still managed to get hit by a car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 493

You deserved it 7 303

By piercednipple - 30/06/2015 16:02 - United States - Woodbridge

Today, my docile gerbil was startled by a car alarm. He dove into my tank top and bit straight through my nipple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 986

You deserved it 2 742

By Yousaidyouweremoving - 11/12/2016 16:23 - United States

Today, I saw my ex-boyfriend at Wal-Mart. This would have been fine had he not broken up with me because he was "moving to Canada." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 306

You deserved it 734

By Earplugged - 25/01/2015 05:01 - United States - Vancouver

Today, I have to wear earplugs in my own apartment because my neighbor won't turn down his music. My landlord doesn't believe me because "people with disabilities can't be rude." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 613

You deserved it 2 144

By nadette - 25/05/2009 16:43 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She told me that her father didn't approve of me and forced her out of the relationship. Her father died 2 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 597

You deserved it 3 956

By Anonymous - 20/11/2009 01:50 - United States

Today, I finally got an interview at a restaurant after looking for a job for three months. I dressed nice, and the interview was going well until this blonde girl in booty shorts and fishnets walked in. The manager hired her on the spot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 934

You deserved it 2 410

Not my turn

By Perry85 - 10/12/2019 05:00

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when she says "Don't cum in me, my husband has plans for later." FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 114

You deserved it 950

By Anonymous - 29/07/2012 05:27 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I learned that if you go through your best friend's phone, you can find sexy texts and nude pictures between him and your girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 908

You deserved it 5 047

Trust

By Anonymous - 28/06/2020 23:02

Today, my husband's grandmother told me in confidence that he was diagnosed with psychopathy as a child, so in all likelihood my husband isn’t actually capable of feeling love for me. I’m just a useful tool to make him seem normal so doctors and therapists leave him alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 908

You deserved it 130

Where d'you come from?

By Anonymous - 29/08/2021 23:01 - United States - Austin

Today, as someone with a large chest, I'm used to sometimes finding food in my clothes at the end of the day. However, when I took off my bra off, I found half of a dead grasshopper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 878

You deserved it 115

Foiled plan

By fazzems - 07/08/2009 03:10 - Canada

Today, I had a video call with a couple of old friends, but the conversation sort of got boring, so I started mouthing words so they'd think the connection was bad and end the awkwardness. Then, as soon as they hung up the call, I realized I'd left my music on in the background the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 598

You deserved it 70 585

By bigcityfail - 07/05/2011 11:54 - United States

Today, I learned that my apartment building has two new tenants: my ex-girlfriend and her fiancé, the guy she cheated on me with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 736

You deserved it 3 284

By Anonymous - 29/06/2010 17:09 - United States

Today, after suggesting to my daughter for a while that she should try out for a cheerleading team to become more confident, she went to tryouts. She didn't make the team and she's spent the last six hours in her room crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 640

You deserved it 45 152

By Anonymous - 24/12/2015 21:38 - United States - Hackensack

Today, I was taking my grandma shopping, when she pointed at a pair of thongs and told me if I don’t start wearing them I won’t get a man. I've been married for 4 years, gran. Thanks for paying attention. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 123

You deserved it 1 589

By themanontheright - 01/03/2010 20:50 - United States

Today, my boss was using my computer and tried to copy and paste a website URL. It must not have copied first, because it pasted a URL to a porn site. I think I should start looking for a new job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 772

You deserved it 38 832

By Baby Bethy - 25/12/2016 04:00 - United States

Today, I went to bed at noon after having driven 11 hours from Washington to Maine. I missed my flight due to a delayed plane, and was told there were no open flights the next 2 days. I'd been driving my $200 rental car for 1.5 hrs when the airport told me, over the phone, that there was in fact a flight available. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 676

You deserved it 563

By Anonymous - 10/11/2011 07:06 - United States

Today, it was so cold that I had to put slippers over my slippers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 573

You deserved it 6 062

By Anonymous - 16/03/2017 02:00

Today, after sweeping up a spill, I managed to break the cupboard door. With my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 721

You deserved it 520

By MsConfusedd - 09/08/2012 14:51 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I discovered that the only thing more disgusting than watching a little kid shove their finger up their nose and eat their fresh green mucus is watching your grandmother do the same. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 720

You deserved it 1 926

By Anonymous - 31/05/2009 22:09 - United States

Today, I went to put my laptop on a desk when I got a text message. I was startled by my ringtone and dropped my laptop on the ground. It now has dent marks on the bottom. The text message was from an annoying friend simply saying "I'm eating a hot dog." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 594

You deserved it 14 538

By swimfaned - 09/01/2015 11:43 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she's afraid of my ex-wife. This is the third one in a row to use that very reason. The judge still won't accept my pleas for a restraining order. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 144

You deserved it 2 687

By cjd - 23/03/2012 14:23 - Canada - Montreal

Today, in health class we were watching a documentary about anxiety. My teacher asked if any of us often feel anxious. I was too anxious to raise my hand, and went into a minor panic attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 361

You deserved it 4 786

By Ilovelife07 - 14/01/2010 15:14 - United States

Today, I snuck out of work 2 hours early. As I was speeding away so I wouldn't be seen, I rear-ended my boss as he was leaving the lower parking lot for a late lunch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 718

You deserved it 46 402

Opposites attract

By Anonymous - 31/05/2021 14:01

Today, and in the past few weeks, my new girlfriend revealed she doesn’t think COVID is real, the vaccine is a government tracking chip, thinks Scientology makes sense, global warming is a ruse, poor people are poor because they’re lazy… Oh and she always votes Conservative. Boy, can I pick em. FML

I agree, your life sucks 962

You deserved it 532

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Top comments

PaperShreds 0

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Saturday 17 October 2009 2:06

Don't you need the key to lock it? If not, shouldn't you at least have a spare? At least now you can use it like those old fashioned piggy banks. Smash it! But in your case, you may need to use a diamond saw.

Lkdude77 0

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Saturday 17 October 2009 2:06

Dumbass!!

PaperShreds 0

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Saturday 17 October 2009 2:06

Rakayum 0

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Saturday 17 October 2009 2:11

i think you left your brain in there too. or check the kitchen.

suaveneanderthal 0

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Saturday 17 October 2009 2:13

hey, no one and i mean no one is gonna steal anything out of your safe now!

chipmunk95 0

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Saturday 17 October 2009 2:38

uhh use the keypad or master lock? go get the spare?

raNDMGUy 5

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Saturday 17 October 2009 3:23

wtf, i didnt even know safes these days HAD keys

ISellHerbs 0

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Saturday 17 October 2009 5:10

Did anyone consider by "key" he meant maybe a paper with the directions/combination? Other than that I'm calling shenanigans on this one.

Gahhreg 0

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Saturday 17 October 2009 5:40

yeah i was expecting him to say something like "and today when i came home, i found out that somebody stole my safe" not "and i locked the key in there" im calling fake

godsrightnutsack 0

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Saturday 17 October 2009 6:24

this is why you save things. duh.

spiderman0606 0

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Saturday 17 October 2009 7:49

Some safes lock on closure.

its_obl 0

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Thursday 18 March 2010 7:38

Seriously,aren't they all combination safes?

wooters 1

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Sunday 16 May 2010 21:49

just break itopen somehow or go to the companies and ask them for a spare key..

Lkdude77 0

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Saturday 17 October 2009 2:06

Dumbass!!

ParaplegicPony 0

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Saturday 17 October 2009 5:08

How can you even lock a safe that uses a key without using the key itself to lock it. Think about it.

Ajjas013 6

Saturday 17 October 2009 18:27

Run it over with your car.

wiiareonfire 0

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Saturday 27 February 2010 6:31

you think about it. some safes, like ones in nice hotels for example, will lock immediatly when closed.

TheiMightyKhaL 2

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Tuesday 3 January 2012 7:42

As Red Foreman would say.

Person1233 12

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Saturday 17 October 2009 2:07

I can imagine myself doing that :/ wow that really sucks

iamstupid1243 0

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Saturday 17 October 2009 2:08

break it open duuuuh foo

Sun_Kissed18 25

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Saturday 17 October 2009 21:39

I'm pretty sure they are designed so you can't just easily break it open with common tools. If so then fail safe...

aellos 0

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Saturday 17 October 2009 2:09

How the heck did you lock it without a key? Any way I'm imagining would've been easy to break into, so the design wouldn't work. :S Either way, take into someplace to get it open. I'd bring proof that it's yours and the stuff inside were yours.

ImJustJoking 0

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Saturday 17 October 2009 2:10

YOU DESERVED IT USEING PAPERS BECAUSE IF YOU USE PAPERS THATS KILLING TREES!!!

pwnrzero 0

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Sunday 18 October 2009 3:39

#7: ultimate troll win. (most stupid thing i've heard all day) nuff said. to the op, just go hire some professional to open you're case. i mean, obviously since you have a computer, and you're on fml.com, you should be proficient in the art of google.com =D