Today, I went for a job interview on my birthday. I had on a... - FML

By Noname - 6/3/2009 21:24 - United States

Today, I went for a job interview on my birthday. I had on a shirt and a tie on and I had my Blackberry in my pocket. I was running a little late, so I dashed outside. When I came out of the door, a bunch of my buddies screamed HAPPY BIRTHDAY! and poured Gatorade all over me. FML

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The best cat

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Whatthefuckaburger

By Holding - 24/8/2013 05:21 - United States - Staunton

Today, my boyfriend and I are on our way back from vacation. It will be an eight hour drive. It just so happens I got food poisoning the night before we left, and there's roadwork everywhere. We're at a dead halt with no signs of moving. FML

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By incendiaaa - 24/2/2013 11:17 - Australia

Today, my parents told me that I'm no longer allowed to come home from boarding school on weekends because it will confuse my cats and disrupt their lives. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2013 04:20 - United States - Murfreesboro

Today, I had to set parental controls on my iPad so my dad couldn't watch dirty videos on Youtube. FML

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By UTRejected - 21/11/2014 13:51 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was selling winter-themed cookies at my university. I cheerfully asked a girl if she would like to buy cookies to support peer tutoring. Her response? "I don't eat food." FML

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By GuitarChick42 - 4/4/2009 18:15 - United States

Today, I thought I heard my little sister playing on my brand new grand piano. Angry, I ran downstairs to stop her. My parents were having sex. On my piano. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2019 20:00

Where is everyone?

Today, I tried to have a game night at my house. Suggesting a popular card game that everyone plays, snacks, and BYOB. No one showed or even said they weren't coming. FML

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By MandieL - 30/1/2016 08:56 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I rushed over to stop my infant daughter from falling off her swing. Luckily just before she hit the ground, I woke up. Unfortunately, I woke up because I'd rolled off my bed and hit the floor. FML

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By NoMeatFail - 27/2/2011 00:59 - Canada

Today, I was eating Campbell's vegetable soup. Halfway through, I started to read the ingredients and found beef broth. I have been a vegetarian for seven years. FML

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By AloisTrancy - 24/10/2019 22:00

Corporate logic

Today, I was called into the office and suspended due to allegations made by a coworker of poor work performance. Yesterday, I received a certificate praising my work performance. I might be dismissed at any moment. FML

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By mainlaw - 4/12/2009 17:33 - Ireland

Today, I found out that just because you're drunk, it doesn't make it okay to call your mother-in-law a fat slag. However, it does make it okay for your wife to knee you in the snow globes. FML

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By sarika - 24/7/2015 00:12 - United States - Appleton

Today, I had to explain to my boss that I was late to work because somehow my hand slipped when I was brushing my teeth, and I hit myself in the eye with the brush. I had to remove my contacts, wash my eye, and find my glasses. He didn't believe me, but at least my eye is minty fresh. FML

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By mrs14 - 11/9/2012 02:04 - United States

Today, I spent five minutes sitting in my car, panicking and tearing my purse apart because I couldn't find my keys. I then found them. They were in the ignition, and the car was running. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2019 18:00

Cockstepblocked

Today, while rushing upstairs to have sex, I tripped on the stairs and rammed my naked boner into the edge of the step. All my wife could do is laugh at me. Now it even hurts to pee or put my trousers on. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/5/2009 04:08 - United States

Today, I learned to never blast classic rock with your convertible's top down while passing an SUV full of gangbanger wanna-bes. That is, of course, unless you want your immaculate, newly detailed leather seats to be decorated with pretty brown and white milkshake stains. FML

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By historyrepeats - 11/7/2019 04:00

Today, I woke up to a Swastika, "Go home" and "Trump2020" spray-painted on my car. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2019 18:00

Today, I posted that I'm having a yard sale and listed a bunch of stuff I'm selling. People started messaging, asking me to send pictures and prices. That's why I'm having the yard sale, so I don't have to post pictures and prices! FML

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By Tori Pearson - 27/6/2011 04:21 - Canada

Today, I went camping. My tent is flooded, a raccoon ate all my food, I lost the anchor to my boat which as a result is now across the lake. Three more days. FML

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By gunnar - 20/9/2018 17:30

Today, my family and I went to Olive Garden. Due to my autism, I sometimes have a nervous tic, which presented itself while I was looking at the menu. I would have appreciated it if my mom hadn't then screamed at me to stop in front of the entire restaurant. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2010 19:22 - United States

Today, I found a parking ticket on my car. Out of five cars who were in violation of the same infraction, I was the only one who received a ticket. FML

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By Best-stuf-on-Earth - 12/7/2009 07:07 - United States

Today, I had a check-up with my dermatologist. When I took off my pants, she noticed a small mark on my penis and was concerned. I had to inform her that it was not in fact a mole, but a bruise from getting it stuck in a Snapple bottle two days prior to the check-up. FML

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By maxiflouf - 28/12/2009 09:50 - France

Today, someone I used to know got in touch with me, after I hadn't heard from him in years. He insisted that we met up as soon as possible, and wanted me to go to his house that afternoon. I spent the afternoon repairing his computer. Since then, no news. FML

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By BrokeAndHungry - 24/7/2016 17:05 - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, I was so ashamed of being broke that instead of asking my parents for money, I snuck into their house while they were at work to steal some of their food. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2013 14:57 - United States

Today, I've come to the conclusion that my phone addiction is getting out of control after I typed my PIN code into the microwave. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2015 01:21 - Canada

Today, I found out my bank charged me $50 for not having any money. Way to go bank, way to go. FML

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By W1D0 - 20/8/2011 06:23 - United States

Today, while riding in the car with my mother, we got into an argument, at which point she pulled the vehicle over, took the key out of the ignition and used it to turn off the passenger airbag. She then continued driving in silence. FML

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By worksucker - 5/7/2011 05:34 - United States

Today, 30 minutes before I was supposed to quit work at 6pm, my boss showed up. After telling him how the day went, he asked why I was still there. Apparently, for the holiday, we close early. 4 hours earlier. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2011 06:57 - United States

Today, my roomate's cats pooped on the floor again. He refuses to clean it up saying it will be easier to clean in 48 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2012 05:03 - United States - Mountain View

Today, my fiancée said that our relationship is doomed because an astrologer said so. We only have a few more days until our wedding and she won't listen to a word I say. FML

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By Fcuked - 23/3/2011 04:40 - New Zealand

Today, I annoyed my friend by texting him 'meow' over and over at random times of the day because when he's drunk he meows in his sleep. Apparently a great way to get back at me was to tell my parents I wasn't a virgin and that I got high on Wednesday. He had pictures to prove it for both. FML

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By Stigmamma - 27/11/2016 08:54

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to be responsible and put parental controls on the Playstation so our kids can't play adult games or watch adult content online. And now, neither can we. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2012 22:08 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, I foolishly told my husband that I know he's been holding back sexually, and that I was willing to indulge any sexual fantasies he may have. Now it seems that tonight, I'll be responding to the name "Fluttershy". FML

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By Abbynyc - 28/9/2014 11:40 - United States - Bay Shore

Today, while running an event, my belt loop got caught in those metal whorls that outdoor chairs have. I couldn't get it undone and had to greet guests by standing up and bringing the chair with me, hanging from my ass. My coworker finally had to cut the belt loop to set me free. FML

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By ipodless - 13/10/2011 00:47 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. I asked everyone for iTunes money, pleased to finally be able to buy some new songs for my iPod. After receiving several gift cards, I discovered that my iPod had been stolen. FML

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By Nebraskawreck - 22/11/2018 13:30

Today, my husband left our untrained puppy out of its kennel when he left for work. I got home and all of the baby books my parents just bought for us that were on the coffee table in a backpack were completely destroyed, along with the bag and parts of our wall. FML

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By Eddie - 7/8/2011 19:43 - Israel

Today, I took my clothes off in front of my girlfriend for the first time. She made a weird face for a moment, then burst into laughter. She couldn't stop laughing, no matter how hard she tried. FML

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By anonymous - 12/10/2009 02:48 - United States

Today, I had to crown the homecoming queen, a responsibility of mine as class president. It just happened to be that the queen is my ex-girlfriend that I still love, escorted by her new boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2015 10:57 - Ukraine - Donetsk

Today, my car went missing. My sister constantly asks to borrow it, so I called her and asked if she had it. She swore blind that she didn't, so I called the cops and reported it stolen. They soon caught her driving the stolen vehicle. She blames me and is now telling everyone I set her up to be arrested. FML

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By TommyNoFeet - 4/12/2017 06:00

Today, my third day training for a half marathon, I tripped and broke both of my ankles and one wrist. FML

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By Dariya - 13/2/2009 04:25 - United States

Today, I asked my mom how much she had set aside for college. She then looked and me as if I were crazy and said "Why the hell would I do anything like that?" FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2019 20:00 - United States

Bounced

Today, I was at a metal concert and I met a really cute girl. We got talking, and started getting close. We were about to kiss during the transitional period between 2 bands, but I was then pulled away by her father, who owned the venue. I was thrown out. Before the main act. FML

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Top comments

By You_cry_I_laugh | 0

#18917 - Saturday 7 March 2009 1:22

Well, if you were applying for a job at a Gatorade factory, this wouldn't have been so bad.

By ummmyeahhh | 0

#18922 - Saturday 7 March 2009 1:24

good luck with the interview... and happy birthday? don't kill your friends, they meant the best for you.

Comments

By immortalkid | 0

#18909 - Saturday 7 March 2009 1:20

OUCH! Brutal... hope you got the job... most employers are understanding. It can be intimidating to interview but if you explain it was your birthday and so on and so forth, I can't see how they'd hold it against you.

Reply

SNICKERZforKYLE | 4

#5204932 - Saturday 1 December 2012 22:59

Poop

By You_cry_I_laugh | 0

#18917 - Saturday 7 March 2009 1:22

Well, if you were applying for a job at a Gatorade factory, this wouldn't have been so bad.

Reply

JocelynKaulitz | 28

#5830873 - Saturday 18 January 2014 10:17

If anything, it'd be in the spirit!

By ummmyeahhh | 0

#18922 - Saturday 7 March 2009 1:24

good luck with the interview... and happy birthday? don't kill your friends, they meant the best for you.

By formosababie | 0

#18933 - Saturday 7 March 2009 1:27

tell this story to your interviewer and win some brownie points. i'm sure he's a fan of fmylife.com by now :)

By may_cause_fail | 0

#18955 - Saturday 7 March 2009 1:35

Get new friends.

By aliii_ | 0

#18962 - Saturday 7 March 2009 1:37

this is greatt hahhahah

By Flora_fml | 6

#18977 - Saturday 7 March 2009 1:42

Sucks for you, but it's also pretty awesome that you have a group of friends that are that thoughtful to remember your birthday. I spent last year's birthday by my fucking self because all my friends had "other things to do" like watch TV...

By My_Little_Pony | 0

#18985 - Saturday 7 March 2009 1:46

-Gaaaaaaaaaaaatorade.
-H20
-Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatorade
-H20 H20
-Water sucks, it really really sucks

Reply

cheshireau | 26

#5872650 - Saturday 1 March 2014 18:03

Best reply ever.

By alex_vik | 0

#19012 - Saturday 7 March 2009 1:53

Why would they pour Gatorade all over you? That would just piss me off, even if I was just in normal* clothes.

*Normal being nice jeans and a $30+ dress shirt. I always wear semi-casual.

Reply

LinsKitty | 0

#967750 - Thursday 25 March 2010 5:32

are you gay?

By marris | 0

#19050 - Saturday 7 March 2009 2:10

How would you friends have known when you were going to come out of the house? did they camp out there all morning?