Today, I spent the entire day packing my car full of boxes for...

By Anonymous - 3/10/2009 12:29 - United States

Today, I spent the entire day packing my car full of boxes for my move tomorrow. When I finally finished, I realized I didn't have the car key. It's inside one of the boxes. FML

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Transportation

The best cat

Age ain't nothing but a number

Who's a good boy?

By dumped - 5/6/2009 17:14 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me because the love advice that she gets on her cellphone every week says that I'm cheating on her. I've never cheated on her and I was planning to propose next week. FML

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By Ruby Lore - 20/7/2017 00:31

Today, I asked my dad if he'd like to go fishing together, but he said he was busy with errands. Later, in a casual conversation with my friend, she opened up her phone to show me pictures of her fishing with my dad. FML

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By sillydoggy - 9/9/2013 01:42 - United States

Today, I tried to get my golden retriever to stand in front of our church for a very short time to illustrate the point of a sermon. When I brought my dog up, he mounted the pastor's leg and began humping him. FML

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By embarrassedmom - 18/5/2009 01:19 - United States

Today, my 6 year old daughter saw a man in a wheelchair who's leg had been amputated. She walks up to him and says, "What happened?". He answers kindly that he's a war veteran. She then responds, "Well then you deserve to get your leg blown off. You shouldn't be killing people." FML

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By IHateMyJob - 14/9/2010 02:00 - United States

Today, while scrubbing my car with the foam brush at a car wash, the hose for the brush came whipping around and smacked me hard in the side of the head, knocking off my glasses. I got disoriented from the blow and stepped on my glasses, completely smashing them. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2018 06:00

W.T.F.

Today, while getting dressed, I discovered that when my brother and his friends got drunk last night one of them wanked into a pair of my panties and put them back in my wardrobe. The crusty mess pressed right into my groin. I had to clean dry spunk out of my pubic hair. FML

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By lolzboss - 7/3/2011 19:04 - United States

Today, my five year old son decided to move all my stuffed animals I have around the house, into sex positions and massive orgies. What have I been teaching my son lately? FML

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By no boobies - 29/5/2013 16:39 - United States

Today, while shopping for dresses, I found a really cute one that fit me really well, but not at all in the breast area. My grandma screamed "buy her some titties!" Everyone in the store looked at me. FML

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By dogs_and_toucans - 8/6/2009 18:47 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 10 months moved to Europe and we may never see each other again, so I gave her a $200 sterling silver heart necklace as a goodbye present. She gave me a pack of gum. Cinnamon, which I'm allergic to. FML

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By WellShit - 4/1/2013 02:19 - United States - New Richland

Today, I found out that there's something my new wife hates more than spiders. Black people. FML

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By me - 7/5/2012 20:38 - Canada - Orillia

Today, I got an inconvenient erection while at my girlfriends house, so I tried to think of something stupid to get rid of it. I tried thinking of Pokémon, which actually made me harder. FML

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By leah - 16/10/2019 22:00

Whooped

Today, I was standing in the shower drying off when my sister came in the bathroom. She must have thought I was a burglar because she hit the shower curtain and punched me in the face. FML

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By I warned him - 19/12/2014 02:39 - United States - Marietta

Today, I beat my boyfriend in a video game. He promptly dumped me and told me to leave. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2009 23:43 - United States

Today, I was meeting my girlfriend at the airport after studying abroad for a year. She ran to hug me, and I wanted to pick her up and spin her around, like they do in those romantic movies. I tried to do that, but instead I dropped her. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/12/2009 02:12 - United States

Today, I had to wrap presents for a cat. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2013 04:41 - United States - Greeley

Today, I enlisted in the military. My dad now finds it necessary to act like a drill sergeant. This includes yelling at me everywhere we go to prepare me for basic training. Training begins in four months. FML

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By lemonchips - 12/10/2015 21:28 - Norway

Today, in class I was teaching 6 year olds about the difference between short and tall, and I asked them how they could see that I was shorter than the other teacher. One of them raised their hand and said it was because I'm fatter. FML

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By EternalBlossom - 14/7/2015 05:03 - United States

Today, I had decided that I was ready to have sex with my boyfriend. So, I called him and told him how naughty I felt, only to realize that I had called my dad. FML

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By SaltIsReal - 25/4/2017 00:00

Today, after winning the first set for school tennis championship, the losing side refused to shake hands with my team. We ended up getting disqualified from the championship by the referee for bad conduct, even though it wasn't our fault. We told the referee what happened, and he said, "Suck it up." FML

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By JWhite - 24/11/2011 08:42 - United States

Today, my dad got drunk and thought it would be a great idea to clean up the yard by dumping gasoline all over the leaves and lighting our entire front yard on fire. FML

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By Singed - 4/7/2009 17:31 - United States

Today, my dad woke me up by shaking me and saying "If you're not up in two minutes, I'm lighting a firecracker in your room." Thinking he wouldn't possibly set off a firecracker in the house, much less my room, I decided to call his bluff. My room still smells like gunpowder. FML

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By anonymous - 9/6/2011 19:04 - United States

Today, I noticed a disgusting odor that seemed to be radiating off my brother. When I asked him about it, he replied, "I think it's ball sweat. I haven't had a shower in a few weeks, so it's hard to tell." FML

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By piliseep - 1/12/2017 09:00 - United States - Apex

Good Meowrning!

Today, at 6 am, I was suddenly jerked from the warm embraces of sleep by the smell of poo. I was very groggy and confused when my hand landed in something wet and cold. I turned on the light and was horrified to find that my kitten took a huge dump in my bed. It was everywhere. FML

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By My mom - 18/3/2010 01:10 - France

Today, my mom walked me to school to make sure I don't cut class. I'm 20 years old. FML

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By furred - 1/6/2012 04:48 - Philippines

Today, I was playing an online game in nothing but my boxers, when suddenly a girl joined my team. I immediately felt embarrassed and put some pants on. There were no webcams involved. I need to get out more. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2012 03:07 - United States

Today, my biology teacher assigned us partners for a project. I got paired up with one of the smartest kids in the class. When he found out I was his partner, he cried. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2011 17:38 - United States

Today, for the first time ever, my boyfriend of one year told me he loved me. He was calling me by collect call from the county jail. FML

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By JoblessandStupid - 14/2/2017 14:00 - United States - Stockbridge

Today, I got pissed and tried to storm out of work, only to get outside and realize I couldn't because I'd let my coworker borrow my car for lunch. FML

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By dayum - 10/12/2009 21:03 - Mexico

Today, my grandpa was wearing flip flops and white socks. He entered my restroom, and the moment he did it, I realized there was no toilet paper left. I felt too ashamed to interrupt his dump, so I waited for him to ask for paper, he never did and came out without socks. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2013 04:23 - United States - Clarks Summit

Today, I had an allergy test. Not only was I allergic to 35 out of the 40 items, they also found out that I'm allergic to the latex gloves my doctor happened to be wearing. Now my entire back is covered in a rash that will last at least another week. FML

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By -.- - 24/8/2013 23:54 - United States

Today, I suggestively asked my boyfriend to take a shower with me. He got in, washed himself, and got out, ignoring me the whole time. FML

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By Une Fille - 18/12/2011 05:18 - Canada

Today, my dad came to pick me up early for the Christmas break. He walked in on me cleaning all 19 of my sex toys. That's more than one sex toy per year that I've lived. I now have to face a 7-hour drive from Montreal to Toronto with him. FML

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By cookieman - 6/1/2017 11:52

Today, in a coffee shop, I purchased two doughnuts and cup of coffee, a regular order which I've bought many times before. Today the cost was $1 less and when I inquired why, I was told, "I gave you the senior's discount." Their policy is a senior discount for anyone over 55. I turned 50 last week. FML

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By Dang-ItsDanielle - 7/3/2009 18:28 - United States

Today, I was pushing my 4 year old on the swing. I did what we call our "under doggie push": I throw her up in the air while I run underneath her before she hits me coming back down. I walked away to get my water and she yelled across the park "Can we do it doggie-style again?" FML

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By Anonymous - 28/1/2011 19:55 - United States

Today, I accidentally said, "Bye, love you," to a co-worker as I clocked out. Before I made it home, I had six missed calls and a long text from my co-worker professing her love to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2010 14:51 - Canada

Today, I hit a patch of black ice and totaled my car. The car is a month old. For the next 5 years I'll be paying for a car I can't drive. FML

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By clayton - 28/7/2012 00:30 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I was speaking to my mother on the phone, when she mentioned that my dad had surprised her last week with a pearl necklace. Before I could quite grasp what was going on, I'd popped a boner and visualised the scene. What the hell is wrong with me? FML

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2015 14:04 - United States - Lawrence

Today, my boyfriend let out a horrible fart in the middle of sex. Even though it was clearly his, he gave me disgusted look, called me a dirty bitch, then kept going. Let's just say I didn't finish. FML

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By livingonmyownfromnowon - 13/9/2016 06:38 - United States - Olivehurst

Today, after evicting my roommate for excessively not abiding by the lease agreements, he thought he could get back at me by sending me a video of my sister giving him head. FML

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By ozozl - 7/11/2014 04:29 - United States - Evergreen

Today, I was in the middle of a shower, and downstairs I heard my 7 year old daughter screaming "Mom!! Help! I need you right now!" I panicked and ran downstairs, not giving myself enough time to put some clothing on. It was my neighbor at the door. FML

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Top comments

By man_whore_92 | 0

#601212 - Saturday 3 October 2009 15:54

YDI for being a idiot.

By Stoffer69 | 0

#601389 - Saturday 3 October 2009 18:23

Wow you must have a REALLY big car if it took you all day to put boxes in it!

Comments

By man_whore_92 | 0

#601212 - Saturday 3 October 2009 15:54

YDI for being a idiot.

Gia0896 | 0

#601485 - Saturday 3 October 2009 19:55

Nice going Dip Shit.

dcbog123 | 0

#601487 - Saturday 3 October 2009 19:57

haha dumbass i hope you never find them

IDopeboyFresh | 0

#601706 - Saturday 3 October 2009 22:24

ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

lebronesque73091 | 12

#3805647 - Friday 30 December 2011 1:22

That must require a bit of absentmindedness. Good luck finding them.

torch433 | 1

#4518433 - Monday 4 June 2012 0:41

thtz fukked up she jus made a mistake leave her tha fukk alone jeez people r so rude these days

By firepowahhx90 | 0

#601213 - Saturday 3 October 2009 15:55

Woooooow. That sucks, I'm gonna say ydi for being stupid enough to do that, and fyl for having to unbox the box. lulz.

By morbidsweet | 0

#601214 - Saturday 3 October 2009 15:55

LMFAO XD Nice. FYL, but YDI, be more careful with your keys next time :P.

By brianjman14 | 22

#601220 - Saturday 3 October 2009 16:00

wow u stupid retard

By SaintJimmy | 0

#601229 - Saturday 3 October 2009 16:06

I agree with #11.

By wickedsmart | 0

#601245 - Saturday 3 October 2009 16:17

Why the fuck would you pack your keys? Ydi for being a collage dropout

teach09 | 0

#601366 - Saturday 3 October 2009 17:56

how do you drop out of collage? just wondering...

Starchild21 | 3

#601439 - Saturday 3 October 2009 19:08

Lol I guess Wicked was the one to drop out. Collages are so hard these days :P

________________________________
www.myspace.com/rapid99

Okie7123 | 0

#601484 - Saturday 3 October 2009 19:54

Yea, I'm not fan of collages. They're kinda tacky and best saved for scrap booking by high school girls.

By michaelcarell | 0

#601261 - Saturday 3 October 2009 16:26

good job. retard

By Ky_123 | 0

#601276 - Saturday 3 October 2009 16:41

was that a FRIENDS reference?

By per_lover | 0

#601282 - Saturday 3 October 2009 16:50

ydi for being a retard

By ScaryPants3 | 0

#601289 - Saturday 3 October 2009 16:57

I don't really get why you would pack your keys in the first place.

wolfy_fml | 5

#601320 - Saturday 3 October 2009 17:17

It was probably an accident.

Whenever I am doing something like packing or taking out the trash (and need my keys to get back into the apartment) I always quadruple check (or more) to make sure my keys are in my pocket and not in the trash/packing boxes.

ScaryPants3 | 0

#601447 - Saturday 3 October 2009 19:14

That's understandable.
My mother is horrible with her keys so I usually have to check for her. :P