Miscellaneous: Today, I babysat for a woman for the first time. When I arrived,... - FML

By never again - Canada - Carstairs

Today, I babysat for a woman for the first time. When I arrived, there was a large pile of dishes in the sink. I decided to wash the dishes for her while the kids napped. She came home, noticed it, and bitched me out over how I'd only done it "to try and get more money" out of her. What? FML

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Season finale

Breaking Badly

Public transport FTW

By kierstin - United States

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend because he has anger issues. Tonight, my tires were slashed. FML

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By Crystal Crackles

Today, I used my rear windsheild wiper and it shattered a large hole in the glass where the rotating part is. No one can repair the window until tomorrow afternoon. It's snowing. FML

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By cantgetup - Canada

Today, I discovered that my girlfriend can only orgasm when we have sex to gospel music. FML

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By CyberHex305

Today, I went to Men's Warehouse to pick up my tux. They mistakenly set the pick-up date for the 30th of next month. My prom is tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work, I screamed, used one of my employees as a human shield, dove for cover, and cried. Why? A bat flew into my store. Bats scare me shitless. FML

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By Jorgen - United States

Today, at my workplace, $200 checks were given to every employee for how well the corporation was doing. The temps didn't get any. Guess who was the only temp. FML

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By peepee. - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I had to go to the bathroom. He said "Okay baby, go drop your load." He also used the same voice as when he talks to his cat. FML

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By Shelby - United States - Nokomis

Today, I got into a huge fight with a girl at school. My mom and dad decided to punish me by letting my three older brothers pick out my wardrobe for the next week. FML

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By jnr1234 - United States - Princeton

Today, I was sent a letter by the vet, saying my cat was late for her yearly checkup. My cat died last week and I'd had her cremated by the same people who had sent the letter. FML

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By lydia - 1/7/2020 08:08

Like that's an excuse

Today, my mother screamed at me because she thinks I peed on the toilet seat. Not my dad, me. I’m a girl. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I ordered a pizza over the phone from Pizza Hut. I turned at the store and waited for over 25 minutes. When they saw me sitting there for such a long time, they eventually asked what i was waiting for. I'd called the wrong Pizza Hut. FML

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By theblackrose23 - United States - Lansing

Today, I found out my grandfather died via Facebook, because apparently both my father and my aunt think posting a status about it immediately rather than calling family is the thing to do. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of over a year looked at me and said, "Sometimes I just want to hit you." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went online to check my credit report. My credit report says that I am deceased, and have no rating. I'm at least 90% sure that this is not true. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I woke up next to my girlfriend, but in fact, it wasn’t her. FML

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By what did i marry - United States - Memphis

Today, I had to explain to my husband that the Earth is not flat. He didn’t believe me. FML

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By Anonymous

ur mom gay

Today, I pretended to be asleep when my mom and her best friend came home because I was tired as hell and I didn't want to be around them. I was then treated to a loud conversation about my mom's first time with a woman through our paper-thin walls. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I pretended to go for a run to impress someone on AIM. FML

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By gvmfvr - France - Fontenay-sous-bois

Today, my little sister was in charge of doing the vacuuming, when she decided our hamster had "dust on his back". FML

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By "Sarah-Louise James"

Today, I was told by one of my bridesmaids that she can't afford the travel costs to get to my wedding, after telling me that she didn't need me to organize alternate free travel for her. I'm getting married in less than two weeks. FML

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By fernie vazquez - United States - San Francisco

Today, I went to meet my girlfriend's parents at her sister's play. The moment I introduced myself, I realized that her father was my probation officer. FML

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By Jess56 - United States

Fun is overrated

Today, I met the exchange student who will be living with us for a year. As we were talking, she told me that she doesn't like reading, writing, drawing, athletics, watching television or listening to music. What does she like to do during her free time? Study. It's going to be a long year. FML

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By nearlythere - Australia

Today, I was getting ready to perform a speech in anthropology on the globalization of public transportation and how it brings cultures together. On the bus ride there, the girls behind me were discussing ways to hide their track marks after injecting. FML

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By Anonymous

Kids, eh?

Today, I was with my four year-old daughter when we met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman I know. My daughter looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn’t your skin fit your face?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Jonesboro

Today, at the small daycare I run, I turned around to put something away. I heard a splashing sound and then saw one of my kids vomiting. He puked several times, and managed to hit the only rug in the entire house. FML

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By CanadianTwin - Canada - Grande Prairie

Today, I was walking in Walmart with my dad. We walked past the deodorant aisle. My dad said, "Need any deodorant?" I said, "No thanks." He replied, "That was a hint." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I really had to pee at work and rushed to the urinal. I unzipped but couldn't find the hole in the front of my boxers and ended up pissing my pants. I had put my boxers on backwards. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I spent $50 buying flea bombs so not only my dogs, but my son could relax a little in my home instead of fighting off those tiny little circus bastards. Today, I got in my car and the fleas attacked me mercilessly until I got to work. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went into work to waitress on a table of 40 guests. They were my only table for the day and the bill came to over 700 dollars. After they left the busser was cleaning the table and threw out the credit card receipt which had my tip on it. FML

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By donttouchmyhair - Romania - Bucharest

Today, a crazy woman grabbed my hair and mentioned how lovely it was. She then asked when I would donate it. I told her I didn't want to, at which point she started yelling that she was going to get some scissors and cut it all off to teach me a lesson. FML

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By Ashleighx94 - United Kingdom

Today, my bedridden mother called me selfish. After an operation two weeks ago, all I've done is feed her, clean her and the house every day. She called me selfish because I couldn't lift a TV into her room. FML

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By ambushcat - United States

Today, I was messing with my cat by moving my hand around under the sheets to make it look like a mouse, making him pounce at it. Without thinking, I brought my hand up to scratch my nose and was immediately attacked by flailing claws. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I zoned out in a coffee shop for about two minutes and was brought back to reality when a woman smacked me out of my seat. Apparently I was staring at her chest while zoned out. FML

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By Anonymous - Slovakia

Today, while presenting a project I've worked on for months, one of the professors exasperatedly cut in mid-sentence, saying, "Look, it's shit. Just stop already." FML

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By Damn - Canada - Saint Catharines

Today, I was trying to take my shirt off. It was an awkward fit, so I had to basically wrestle it for five minutes. The kicker was that I was giving my boyfriend a striptease. He laughed so hard and for so long that we never had sex. FML

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By shh - United States - Scottsdale

Today, during dinner with my wife's family, my daughter suddenly yelled, "DADDY TICKLES MOMMY'S BUM BUM!" I don't think I've ever received dirtier glares in my life. FML

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By loldick - United States

Today, while my girlfriend was going down on me, she looked up at me and said, in a high-pitched voice, "Yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy!" FML

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By Boyufd - 14/5/2020 17:00

Deep-seated resentment

Today, I found out why my dad doesn't want my girlfriend coming to our house anymore. Apparently, her dad used to bully him a lot during high school and he's never gotten over it. He's threatened to disown me if she comes back over here. FML

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By ice ice baby - United States - Monterey Park

Two Scoops

Today, it'd been so long since I last had sex, I was jolted out of my sleep by a body shaking orgasm. I was sweaty and breathless, and it took me a moment to realize it had been a dream. It would've been great except the subject of my nocturnal ecstasy was Vanilla Ice. FML

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By um... what the fuck, miss? - United Kingdom

Today, I was buying ingredients for a salad. I had only picked up a few cucumbers, when an elderly lady came up to me and murmured, "Make sure you use lots of lube, or that'll hurt. Been there, sweetheart." What the HELL? FML

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Top comments

By darth1 | 18

#4876303 - Thursday 30 August 2012 8:46

Yeah because somehow, you doing her dishes sucks the cash right out of her wallet.

By peve3 | 12

#4876311 - Thursday 30 August 2012 8:47

Next time don't do anything and leave the house a mess. Then when she gripes you out, remind her of this occasion. Kind of hard to have it both ways.

COMMENTS

By darth1 | 18

#4876303 - Thursday 30 August 2012 8:46

Yeah because somehow, you doing her dishes sucks the cash right out of her wallet.

Reply

monocyte | 4

#4876413 - Thursday 30 August 2012 9:18

Stingy people.. Stingy people everywhere

Reply

tacojauns | 45

#4876847 - Thursday 30 August 2012 15:08

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

rainbowteehee | 6

#4877002 - Thursday 30 August 2012 17:03

Next time I would Dirty the house more then it already is.

Reply

klovely22 | 13

#4877417 - Thursday 30 August 2012 19:45

58- Just saying, you're comment makes me feel obligated to tell you that you're an idiot.

Reply

klovely22 | 13

#4877420 - Thursday 30 August 2012 19:47

Your* ( the first one.)

By peve3 | 12

#4876311 - Thursday 30 August 2012 8:47

Next time don't do anything and leave the house a mess. Then when she gripes you out, remind her of this occasion. Kind of hard to have it both ways.

Reply

kyliebear | 15

#4876436 - Thursday 30 August 2012 9:30

I'd be grateful if I was the woman who left her kids, because if someone washed the whole pile of dishes in my sink while babysitting my kids I'd thank them for helping me out so much! (: x

Reply

chatoyant_fml | 12

#4876544 - Thursday 30 August 2012 10:37

#2 kind of feels like she would bitch about that too, even though op would remind her. Some people are just never satisfied.

Reply

SaturnV | 25

#4876815 - Thursday 30 August 2012 14:35

OP's name kind of leaves the impression that there won't be a next time.

Reply

sayyestothedress | 24

#6054001 - Monday 1 September 2014 17:07

For some reason, I read kidnapped for some reason

By kyat288 | 9

#4876317 - Thursday 30 August 2012 8:48

Don't u hate when that happens?! I babysit for a lady with 5 kids! I babysit 4 of them... anywayss, it takes her atleast 2 months to pay me and I normally stay over night. We're talking $200 pay checks and I'm 14!

Reply

Awkward_Science | 2

#4876339 - Thursday 30 August 2012 8:53

So... You ignore the fifth kid?

Reply

HollyDolly660 | 8

#4876352 - Thursday 30 August 2012 8:56

The fifth kid is obviously of the age to take care of themselves.

Reply

LawSixx | 11

#4876366 - Thursday 30 August 2012 9:00

Or it's not born yet...

Reply

Queen_Cosmos | 7

#4876374 - Thursday 30 August 2012 9:03

11- I believe 10 was joking.

Reply

YakuzaxGeneralz | 9

#4876434 - Thursday 30 August 2012 9:29

Okay what did this have to do with the fml?

Reply

tswizz | 13

#4876500 - Thursday 30 August 2012 10:07

Whoa, $200 over two months?! Look out!

Reply

the_true_batman | 10

#4876517 - Thursday 30 August 2012 10:15

#26 she isn't saying she makes $200 over two months, she's saying her landlord owes her $200 and takes two months to pay it. That $200 could have been earned over any period of time.

Reply

melons | 44

#4876556 - Thursday 30 August 2012 10:42

29, where did you get landlord from this?

Reply

IworkAt711 | 14

#4876795 - Thursday 30 August 2012 14:13

29, what 14 year old has to pay off to a landlord?

Reply

VooDooCarrie91 | 19

#4876828 - Thursday 30 August 2012 14:47

Why is a 14 year old on FML?

Reply

luddearsenal | 7

#4877016 - Thursday 30 August 2012 17:16

There's no age limit for enjoying FML's! I'm thirteen and enjoy it a lot :-)

Reply

gmc_blossom | 21

#4877060 - Thursday 30 August 2012 17:44

There is an age limit for the iPhone app, though. It makes you confirm you're 17 or older. 0.o

Reply

Jaded_Rose | 17

#4877078 - Thursday 30 August 2012 17:53

Yeah but thats easy to get around.

Reply

steelflax | 5

#4877240 - Thursday 30 August 2012 19:05

Stfu

Reply

sarko30 | 7

#4880207 - Friday 31 August 2012 8:26

Why is a 14 year old babysitting?

Reply

Prettygirlnswag | 5

#4885210 - Saturday 1 September 2012 18:05

I forgot all about that untill you said that. (that and I'm 21 and there are a lot of apps that ask you if you're 17 or older, so it becomes habit)

Reply

sayyestothedress | 24

#6054002 - Monday 1 September 2014 17:09

#64 same here!

By mintcar | 9

#4876319 - Thursday 30 August 2012 8:49

She seems like a very difficult woman to work with. Most people would just smile and say thank you.

Bitches be crazy.

Reply

deBlobX | 12

#4876749 - Thursday 30 August 2012 13:18

Yea as she walks in spit on all the things you had cleaned

Reply

PinkieKeen | 20

#4962661 - Sunday 23 September 2012 6:18

43, did you even understand what that comment said...?

By I_Punch_Babies | 7

#4876322 - Thursday 30 August 2012 8:50

Youve just learned a valuable lesson OP. Never go the extra mile no matter what.

Reply

brackaman | 18

#4887991 - Sunday 2 September 2012 18:07

You should've used your username to apply for OP's job if she's angry enough to leave it.

By Meme1988 | 18

#4876324 - Thursday 30 August 2012 8:51

Some people just lack of manners,next time just watch the TV.

By sleepinginclass | 8

#4876326 - Thursday 30 August 2012 8:51

I don't think I would be babysitting for her again. She doesn't sound like the type that's paying you very well anyways.

By blubberfish | 10

#4876333 - Thursday 30 August 2012 8:52

If you babysit again, you should mess her house up. That way she can't accuse you of wanting more money.

By yassminza | 0

#4876336 - Thursday 30 August 2012 8:52

Wow, talk about ungrateful.

By starkidninja | 5

#4876354 - Thursday 30 August 2012 8:56

No good deed really does go unpunished.

Reply

meso222 | 8

#4876642 - Thursday 30 August 2012 12:07

So do no deed. Unless your getting paid.