Today, I babysat for a woman for the first time. When I arrived,... - FML

By never again - Canada - Carstairs

Today, I babysat for a woman for the first time. When I arrived, there was a large pile of dishes in the sink. I decided to wash the dishes for her while the kids napped. She came home, noticed it, and bitched me out over how I'd only done it "to try and get more money" out of her. What? FML

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By PaperInfection - United States

Today, I fell in a hole in my back yard and got stuck. My mother called the fire department. They all stood around laughing and taking pictures before they helped me. FML

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By Rejected. - United Kingdom

Today, I was at a party with my boyfriend of one year when an attractive girl walks over. She asks him, "Is this your girlfriend?" He replied "That depends... are you single?" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I told my boyfriend I wanted him to be a little more masculine and dominant in the bedroom. He broke up with me because I'm not "feminist enough". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my anxiety disorder has escalated to where I now scratch and pick at my face while asleep. Now I get to sleep with oven mitts taped to my hands. FML

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By whoops - United States - Vincennes

Today, my girlfriend's dad returned home from deployment. Being the grade A fucktard that I am, I got flustered and asked, "So um, did you make it back?" He looked me dead in the eyes and said completely deadpan, "No, obviously I died. Moron." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Albany

Today, my 11 month-old son started viciously biting whatever part of my anatomy he can sink his teeth into. He thinks it is hysterical to latch on while I scream helplessly in pain for him to let go. FML

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By Nasty - United States

Today, after using the bar of soap in the shower to wash my face, I looked down and noticed it was covered in my husband's pubes. FML

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By chucklesman96 - Canada - Westerose

Today, I got shot in the leg while taking a firearms safety course. FML

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By ShowerheadGirl - United States

Today, I was having an intimate moment with my detachable showerhead. I opened my eyes to find my husband of 4 months looking down on me. The only thing he said was, 'You too?' FML

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By FuckingDone - United States - Enterprise

Today, my brother's refused to shower after 2 weeks of dripping sweat and never changing clothes. He claims the smell is just his "manly musk" and if I can't handle it, then maybe I'm the problem. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was playing card games with some colleagues a won a hand. One mate said jokingly "your mother never loved you!", I replied jokingly "at least your mother loved me"... All of a sudden he punched in the face and said, "don't ever disrespect my mother again". FML

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By naomids - United States

Today, my mom asked me to help pick out clothes for my grandma to wear in her casket. I didn't know she'd died. FML

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By erptwerp - United States

Today, it's my 25th birthday and all of the friends who promised they could come had excuses why they couldn't make it. Now I'm at the bar, alone. FML

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By seriously? - United States

Today, the guy I like told me in casual conversation that I shouldn't get mad at him if he makes out with other girls at the bar, he only does it when he's drunk, that he doesn't really like them. We've been sleeping together for a week now. He met me at the bar. FML

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By Goatczar - United States - Orem

Today, my two managers, both over 30, were arguing over whether or not butter is a sauce. FML

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By fmlsheffgirl - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, after months of putting up with it, I finally asked my manager not to put me on shifts with this old guy who is racist, sexist and lazy. This was how I found out that he died over the weekend. FML

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By jayne_dhoe - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend came home drunk and thought it would be funny to spray himself in the face with pepper spray. I was in his drunken firing line too. After him vomiting and being blinded for a few hours, he was fine. I, on the other hand, had a terrible allergic reaction and got rushed to hospital. FML

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By bird - United States - Fort Gratiot

Today, I learned that my new parakeet hates her reflection, and will screech loudly day and night unless I take the mirror out. My other parakeet loves the mirror and constantly cries out when I remove it. I can't win. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/8/2020 17:01

Shocking

Today, I tried to hang up a light and, in my clumsiness, got shocked. My dad started screaming at me for yelling out. FML

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By superjesse006 - United States

Today, I was fired from a job I didn't have. The manager in charge of calling me to tell me if I got the job never called, and never called me back when I left messages. The only time he called me was to fire me for not coming to orientation, which, by the way, he never called to tell me about. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - V?llingby

Today, I woke up after a long night of drinking with my friends. I vaguely remembered visiting a tattoo parlour, but nothing prepared me for the sight of the words "YOLO" and "MOFO" tattooed across the fingers of my left and right hands. Now I'm officially a bandwagoning douchebag. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Big Lake

Today, I asked my grandmother to hem my prom dress for me. I'm her oldest granddaughter so I thought she'd be happy to do it. She said no. Her occupation is a seamstress. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was running a meeting feeling very stressed. I grabbed my stress ball out of my bag, squeezing it vigorously throughout the meeting. When I stood up to talk my stress ball exploded all over my new black suit and the desk. So much for relieving stress. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to convince my nine year-old brother to stop using my biology textbook as a masturbatory aid so I could actually get some studying done. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I got pulled over for going a few miles per hour over the speed limit. The cop asked for my license and registration. I happened to look down at my wallet while he was processing everything and saw my license in my wallet. I gave the cop my fake I.D. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Gatineau

Today, I blacked out while hugging my dad. I woke up a minute later on the floor with my dad telling me to, "quit being lazy and get up." FML

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By kady - United States

Today, my boyfriend was holding my hair back while I threw up. The smell then reached him and caused him to throw up in my hair. FML

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By EaglEye

Today, I found out that even though I suffer from insomnia most days, I can sleep within 5 minutes of studying Solid Mechanics, especially when I have an end term the next day. FML

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By Kikinovak - France

Today, a driver stole the parking space I was about to pull into. I politely asked him to move. He had a go at me, so I kick his car twice, in front of a few witnesses. The car is fine. I ripped two ligaments in my foot and I'll have a cast for a month. FML

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By gvmfvr - France - Fontenay-sous-bois

Today, my little sister was in charge of doing the vacuuming, when she decided our hamster had "dust on his back". FML

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By Drew

Today, I was sitting at home when the police knocked on my door. They came inside, sat me down and told me that both my parents died in a car crash tonight. I started to cry, but about 10 minutes later, I find out they had the wrong person. I feel bad for the other guy. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my roommates gathered together to tell me that they all took turns spitting in my drinks in the fridge, all because I told on them for smoking pot in the apartment. FML

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By AmericanDream - United States

Today, after recently moving to America as I've always dreamt of, I saw my first, majestic deer. My boyfriend slammed it with the rental car. FML

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By Kellie - United States

Today, I found a hidden camera in my room equipped with night vision and a microphone. My parents have been spying on me for at least the past year. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my grandma wears dentures when I had to fish them out of a cooler. She lost them bobbing for beer at a local bar. FML

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By CreeptacularBait

Today, after my husband trusted me to sort out the arrangements for modifying our kitchen and I spent a lot of time finding the perfect top-quality items, they were delivered 1,291 miles away in a town I’ve never heard of. FML

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By babysitter - United States

Today, I was on a walk when I ran into the woman whose kids I babysit. We had a quick chat, and I noticed she had just blown her driveway clean. As I left, I said "You did a nice blow job!" FML

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By fmylife - Malaysia

Today, I downloaded porn and saved it on my desktop. After watching it, I couldn't delete it, and now it is stuck on the desktop. It is a shared computer. FML

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By I knew it! - United States - Washington

Today, I woke up to 6 missed calls. I called back to find a woman asking how I know her boyfriend after seeing our texts. I told her he's been my boyfriend for 4 months, and she told me he's been hers for over a year. He vehemently denied knowing who I am as I spoke, even with obvious proof. FML

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By footfetish - Australia - Brisbane

Today, a male employee at a shoe shop helped me try on shoes. Once I found a pair, I went to pay for them. I was telling the cashier about how great of an employee he was when she told me there were no male employees. A guy with a foot fetish helped me find shoes. FML

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Top comments

By darth1 | 18

#4876303 - Thursday 30 August 2012 8:46

Yeah because somehow, you doing her dishes sucks the cash right out of her wallet.

By peve3 | 12

#4876311 - Thursday 30 August 2012 8:47

Next time don't do anything and leave the house a mess. Then when she gripes you out, remind her of this occasion. Kind of hard to have it both ways.

COMMENTS

By darth1 | 18

#4876303 - Thursday 30 August 2012 8:46

Yeah because somehow, you doing her dishes sucks the cash right out of her wallet.

Reply

monocyte | 4

#4876413 - Thursday 30 August 2012 9:18

Stingy people.. Stingy people everywhere

Reply

tacojauns | 45

#4876847 - Thursday 30 August 2012 15:08

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

rainbowteehee | 6

#4877002 - Thursday 30 August 2012 17:03

Next time I would Dirty the house more then it already is.

Reply

klovely22 | 13

#4877417 - Thursday 30 August 2012 19:45

58- Just saying, you're comment makes me feel obligated to tell you that you're an idiot.

Reply

klovely22 | 13

#4877420 - Thursday 30 August 2012 19:47

Your* ( the first one.)

By peve3 | 12

#4876311 - Thursday 30 August 2012 8:47

Next time don't do anything and leave the house a mess. Then when she gripes you out, remind her of this occasion. Kind of hard to have it both ways.

Reply

kyliebear | 15

#4876436 - Thursday 30 August 2012 9:30

I'd be grateful if I was the woman who left her kids, because if someone washed the whole pile of dishes in my sink while babysitting my kids I'd thank them for helping me out so much! (: x

Reply

chatoyant_fml | 12

#4876544 - Thursday 30 August 2012 10:37

#2 kind of feels like she would bitch about that too, even though op would remind her. Some people are just never satisfied.

Reply

SaturnV | 25

#4876815 - Thursday 30 August 2012 14:35

OP's name kind of leaves the impression that there won't be a next time.

Reply

sayyestothedress | 24

#6054001 - Monday 1 September 2014 17:07

For some reason, I read kidnapped for some reason

By kyat288 | 9

#4876317 - Thursday 30 August 2012 8:48

Don't u hate when that happens?! I babysit for a lady with 5 kids! I babysit 4 of them... anywayss, it takes her atleast 2 months to pay me and I normally stay over night. We're talking $200 pay checks and I'm 14!

Reply

Awkward_Science | 2

#4876339 - Thursday 30 August 2012 8:53

So... You ignore the fifth kid?

Reply

HollyDolly660 | 8

#4876352 - Thursday 30 August 2012 8:56

The fifth kid is obviously of the age to take care of themselves.

Reply

LawSixx | 11

#4876366 - Thursday 30 August 2012 9:00

Or it's not born yet...

Reply

Queen_Cosmos | 7

#4876374 - Thursday 30 August 2012 9:03

11- I believe 10 was joking.

Reply

YakuzaxGeneralz | 9

#4876434 - Thursday 30 August 2012 9:29

Okay what did this have to do with the fml?

Reply

tswizz | 13

#4876500 - Thursday 30 August 2012 10:07

Whoa, $200 over two months?! Look out!

Reply

the_true_batman | 10

#4876517 - Thursday 30 August 2012 10:15

#26 she isn't saying she makes $200 over two months, she's saying her landlord owes her $200 and takes two months to pay it. That $200 could have been earned over any period of time.

Reply

melons | 44

#4876556 - Thursday 30 August 2012 10:42

29, where did you get landlord from this?

Reply

IworkAt711 | 14

#4876795 - Thursday 30 August 2012 14:13

29, what 14 year old has to pay off to a landlord?

Reply

VooDooCarrie91 | 19

#4876828 - Thursday 30 August 2012 14:47

Why is a 14 year old on FML?

Reply

luddearsenal | 7

#4877016 - Thursday 30 August 2012 17:16

There's no age limit for enjoying FML's! I'm thirteen and enjoy it a lot :-)

Reply

gmc_blossom | 21

#4877060 - Thursday 30 August 2012 17:44

There is an age limit for the iPhone app, though. It makes you confirm you're 17 or older. 0.o

Reply

Jaded_Rose | 17

#4877078 - Thursday 30 August 2012 17:53

Yeah but thats easy to get around.

Reply

steelflax | 5

#4877240 - Thursday 30 August 2012 19:05

Stfu

Reply

sarko30 | 7

#4880207 - Friday 31 August 2012 8:26

Why is a 14 year old babysitting?

Reply

Prettygirlnswag | 5

#4885210 - Saturday 1 September 2012 18:05

I forgot all about that untill you said that. (that and I'm 21 and there are a lot of apps that ask you if you're 17 or older, so it becomes habit)

Reply

sayyestothedress | 24

#6054002 - Monday 1 September 2014 17:09

#64 same here!

By mintcar | 9

#4876319 - Thursday 30 August 2012 8:49

She seems like a very difficult woman to work with. Most people would just smile and say thank you.

Bitches be crazy.

Reply

deBlobX | 12

#4876749 - Thursday 30 August 2012 13:18

Yea as she walks in spit on all the things you had cleaned

Reply

PinkieKeen | 20

#4962661 - Sunday 23 September 2012 6:18

43, did you even understand what that comment said...?

By I_Punch_Babies | 7

#4876322 - Thursday 30 August 2012 8:50

Youve just learned a valuable lesson OP. Never go the extra mile no matter what.

Reply

brackaman | 18

#4887991 - Sunday 2 September 2012 18:07

You should've used your username to apply for OP's job if she's angry enough to leave it.

By Meme1988 | 18

#4876324 - Thursday 30 August 2012 8:51

Some people just lack of manners,next time just watch the TV.

By sleepinginclass | 8

#4876326 - Thursday 30 August 2012 8:51

I don't think I would be babysitting for her again. She doesn't sound like the type that's paying you very well anyways.

By blubberfish | 10

#4876333 - Thursday 30 August 2012 8:52

If you babysit again, you should mess her house up. That way she can't accuse you of wanting more money.

By yassminza | 0

#4876336 - Thursday 30 August 2012 8:52

Wow, talk about ungrateful.

By starkidninja | 5

#4876354 - Thursday 30 August 2012 8:56

No good deed really does go unpunished.

Reply

meso222 | 8

#4876642 - Thursday 30 August 2012 12:07

So do no deed. Unless your getting paid.