Miscellaneous: Today, I babysat for a woman for the first time. When I arrived,... - FML

By never again - Canada - Carstairs

Today, I babysat for a woman for the first time. When I arrived, there was a large pile of dishes in the sink. I decided to wash the dishes for her while the kids napped. She came home, noticed it, and bitched me out over how I'd only done it "to try and get more money" out of her. What? FML

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Own it

BO Central

Bitch ass move

By oc_cheergirl - United States

Today, I wore my cheerleading uniform to my boyfriend's house. He was a nerd in high school and mentioned a fantasy about hooking up with a cheerleader. I started acting sassy and a little mean, figuring he would enjoy a more realistic experience. Apparently not, because he started to cry. FML

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By embarrassed - Australia - Morphett Vale

Today, despite having a mild case of the flu, I visited my boyfriend's house and watched a movie with his parents. During the movie, I felt the sudden urge to sneeze. Trying to hold it in, I managed to do the loudest fart I've ever done in my life. Everyone heard. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2020 09:38 - India

The cringe is real

Today, I was excited for my very first oral sex session. Didn't imagine that the guy would bite everywhere like a beaver trying to be sexy and leave without even cuddling. Definitely didn't match the long sexts. FML

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By epicc1584 - United States

Today, I was downtown with my boyfriend around Noon when we walked past a few guys who shouted out to me "You're the most beautiful girl we've seen all day". My boyfriend's response was "It's still early." FML

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By fulloshit - United States

Today, I woke up with extreme stomach pains. After being rushed to the hospital and having numerous tests performed, I was told my intestines were over-stretched with stool. I'm essentially so full of shit it hurts. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to go get my driver's license, only to be told that I need a copy of my birth certificate. In order to get the copy of my birth certificate, I need a driver's license or my passport. In order to get a passport, I need a copy of my birth certificate or a drivers license. I have none. FML

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By tmi4me - United States

Today, my boss admitted she's having an affair. She's married to my brother. FML

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By Minnie - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I was invited to go to a BBQ with one of my guy friends. It turned out to be a surprise engagement party, and every single one of his friends congratulated me. I'm not his fiancée. FML

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By go snope yourself - United Kingdom

Today, I was debating which hurts more: child-birth or a kick to the testicles. Some guy spouted the old urban legend that a nut-kick is 9000 "dels", and giving birth is 57, so I proved that no such measurement of pain exists. His comeback was to sucker-punch me to the floor. FML

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By Steve-noh

All in a day's work.

Today, at my job as a waiter I sharted myself while taking an order. They tipped me $20 and wrote "for new underwear" on the receipt. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Tipton

Today, my mom told me all about how I was conceived in a Disney Land toilet. FML

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By william - United States

Today, I made fun of my friend when she tripped over the curb. I said, loudly, "Haha, you can't even walk." I then notice the man in the wheelchair a few feet ahead of us. FML

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By ostfae - United States

Today, I was told by this big guy from school that I needed to stop stalking his girlfriend, and stop following her home from school. She's my neighbor. FML

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By Nicki - Canada

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend, and I said something grammatically wrong during it. He chose to correct it. FML

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By shaggyberaddy

Christmas Chaos

Today, I spent 15 minutes trying to get my cat out of our seven-foot Christmas tree. Once he was done, he tore about the house and broke the nativity scene, beheading baby Jesus and a wise man in the process. The tree is fucked. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bonita Springs

Today, my sister got promoted to manager at the store we both work at. Since company policy states that siblings can't work at the same store if one of them is a manager, I was let go. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met my brother for the first time in 20 years. Everything was going great, until he tried to make out with me. FML

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By Idiot

Today, I was in a store with my mom. I wandered off, then walked around looking for her. I spotted her, and decided to put on a ski mask to give her a scare for a laugh. I hid around a corner and yelled "BOO!" when I saw her. It wasn't my mom, and I'm now banned from that store. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom learned how to use the text messaging on her smartphone. I've received 37 already, and she calls after every single one to make sure I understood her. FML

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By divineinstrument - United Kingdom

Today, I spent hours and hours trying to figure out why the wireless internet on my laptop wasn't working, but everything I tried completely failed. At the end of the day, my older brother came home, and fixed the problem in under 10 seconds by turning the wireless internet switch on. FML

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By Imaman - United States

Today, I was working at a retirement center, when an old woman came to me and asked if I would like her old clothes. I politely said, "I'm sorry, but I'm a guy." She then said, "You could have just said no, instead of rudely lying to me." FML

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By wtfrelationship - Singapore

Today, I told my girlfriend over MSN that we had to talk. I log on to facebook and the first thing I see is that she changed our relationship from "In a Relationship" to "It's Complicated." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I was accused of stealing when I dropped a $20 bill in front of my boss. His logic: I'm too poor to have a $20 bill and there's no way it was a tip, since our customers are "so stingy". It was a tip and it was going to get me through the rest of the month. He won't give it back. FML

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By crazy dog lady - 2/11/2020 02:02 - United States

Furry family

Today, my girlfriend got evicted for having too many dogs. She expects me to let her and all 5 dogs live in my one-bedroom apartment. When I told her no, that I’d get evicted too, she said that should be a sacrifice I’m willing to make for “our family” if I really loved her. They aren’t even my dogs. FML

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By 3firedepos

Lovely

Today, I walked outside and was so happy about the return of smell of campfires and summer time. I now realize that the campfire smell was a house burning down in my neighborhood. FML

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By yikes78 - United States

Sad and lonely

Today, I went to Macy's to buy some bras. After I paid, the old lady cashier noticed there was pen on one of the bras. By accident, I blurted out, "It's alright. No one's seeing them." The old lady nodded back in agreement. FML

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By forever dog-less

Today, my mom told me to go meet a rescue dog. After doing all my research and emailing shelters left and right, I finally got a call. It went well! Then, my mom told me it would never happen. I'm still expecting several emails from the shelters I contacted, so I get to relive this pain. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Princeton

Today, I left my house angrily after arguing over the Super Bowl. I guess karma gets nasty when you wish a member of the opposing team would break his back. I fell down the stairs. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my mum put up a sticky fly trap to try get rid of our fly problem. My phone started ringing and I jogged to answer it, but my hair got suck in the trap. My mum had to pull my hair out of the sticky mess and pick dead fly bodies out of my hair. FML

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By customerservicesucks - Canada

Today, I spent half an hour on the phone with a woman who was yelling at the top of her lungs, sobbing uncontrollably and hyperventilating. She also told me if she had a heart attack and died from crying, it was all my fault. Why? I told her she needed her receipt to have her T.V. repaired. FML

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By thanksbro - United States

Today, I grabbed a handful of crackers from the kitchen, only to find it crawling with bugs. Apparently, my brother had made the same discovery earlier, but put the box of crackers back in the cupboard anyway. FML

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By PPP - United States

Today, I overheard my mom giving my 6-year-old daughter the sex talk. FML

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By LifeFucksUsAll - Canada

Today, I was on a date with a guy, we were sitting in a restaurant having a fairly good conversation, when I had to go to the washroom. I left the table and when I came back, he was gone. Along with my wallet and car keys. FML

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By lolfayce - United States

Today, I was at the costume rental shop I work at, when I saw a kid trying to walk out the door wearing what appeared to be one of our fake monster claws, so I chased him down and grabbed it. It wasn't. It was his prosthetic hand. FML

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By Rebecca - Australia - Dural

Today, I was chatting to a co-worker, upon whom I have a serious crush. It was going really well, until he said "irregardless", as if it's actually a proper word. This grammatical abomination really ticks me off, and I actually had to fight back the urge to beat some damn sense into him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. I grabbed his butt to control his thrusts and got a clump of used toilet paper. FML

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By fucking fuck off - United States

Today, a customer gave me hell because a high-spec game he bought wouldn't run on his ancient Windows XP PC. I ended up having to profusely apologize and refund him. Whoever coined the phrase "the customer is always right" should probably be shot, run over by a bus, then shot a few more times. FML

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By Waheyyy - United Kingdom

Today, I was arguing with my dad. I called him a geriatric fool. He replied with, "Well at least I know who my biological father is." I have no idea if he's joking. FML

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By fishfloors

Today, I finally broke down and paid someone to clean my condo. Sometime after she finished, my cat threw up. Then my roomba went off, smearing regurgitated mackerel all over the freshly washed floors. There goes $150. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I pissed my younger brother off. Seemingly unrelated to this was the fact that I left my laptop on in my room along with MSN signed into my email adress. Now, all my contacts know that I apparently "just love the warm feeling of semen sliding down my throat". FML

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Top comments

By darth1 | 18

#4876303 - Thursday 30 August 2012 8:46

Yeah because somehow, you doing her dishes sucks the cash right out of her wallet.

By peve3 | 12

#4876311 - Thursday 30 August 2012 8:47

Next time don't do anything and leave the house a mess. Then when she gripes you out, remind her of this occasion. Kind of hard to have it both ways.

COMMENTS

By darth1 | 18

#4876303 - Thursday 30 August 2012 8:46

Yeah because somehow, you doing her dishes sucks the cash right out of her wallet.

Reply

monocyte | 4

#4876413 - Thursday 30 August 2012 9:18

Stingy people.. Stingy people everywhere

Reply

tacojauns | 45

#4876847 - Thursday 30 August 2012 15:08

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

rainbowteehee | 6

#4877002 - Thursday 30 August 2012 17:03

Next time I would Dirty the house more then it already is.

Reply

klovely22 | 13

#4877417 - Thursday 30 August 2012 19:45

58- Just saying, you're comment makes me feel obligated to tell you that you're an idiot.

Reply

klovely22 | 13

#4877420 - Thursday 30 August 2012 19:47

Your* ( the first one.)

By peve3 | 12

#4876311 - Thursday 30 August 2012 8:47

Next time don't do anything and leave the house a mess. Then when she gripes you out, remind her of this occasion. Kind of hard to have it both ways.

Reply

kyliebear | 15

#4876436 - Thursday 30 August 2012 9:30

I'd be grateful if I was the woman who left her kids, because if someone washed the whole pile of dishes in my sink while babysitting my kids I'd thank them for helping me out so much! (: x

Reply

chatoyant_fml | 12

#4876544 - Thursday 30 August 2012 10:37

#2 kind of feels like she would bitch about that too, even though op would remind her. Some people are just never satisfied.

Reply

SaturnV | 25

#4876815 - Thursday 30 August 2012 14:35

OP's name kind of leaves the impression that there won't be a next time.

Reply

sayyestothedress | 24

#6054001 - Monday 1 September 2014 17:07

For some reason, I read kidnapped for some reason

By kyat288 | 9

#4876317 - Thursday 30 August 2012 8:48

Don't u hate when that happens?! I babysit for a lady with 5 kids! I babysit 4 of them... anywayss, it takes her atleast 2 months to pay me and I normally stay over night. We're talking $200 pay checks and I'm 14!

Reply

Awkward_Science | 2

#4876339 - Thursday 30 August 2012 8:53

So... You ignore the fifth kid?

Reply

HollyDolly660 | 8

#4876352 - Thursday 30 August 2012 8:56

The fifth kid is obviously of the age to take care of themselves.

Reply

LawSixx | 11

#4876366 - Thursday 30 August 2012 9:00

Or it's not born yet...

Reply

Queen_Cosmos | 7

#4876374 - Thursday 30 August 2012 9:03

11- I believe 10 was joking.

Reply

YakuzaxGeneralz | 9

#4876434 - Thursday 30 August 2012 9:29

Okay what did this have to do with the fml?

Reply

tswizz | 13

#4876500 - Thursday 30 August 2012 10:07

Whoa, $200 over two months?! Look out!

Reply

the_true_batman | 10

#4876517 - Thursday 30 August 2012 10:15

#26 she isn't saying she makes $200 over two months, she's saying her landlord owes her $200 and takes two months to pay it. That $200 could have been earned over any period of time.

Reply

melons | 44

#4876556 - Thursday 30 August 2012 10:42

29, where did you get landlord from this?

Reply

IworkAt711 | 14

#4876795 - Thursday 30 August 2012 14:13

29, what 14 year old has to pay off to a landlord?

Reply

VooDooCarrie91 | 19

#4876828 - Thursday 30 August 2012 14:47

Why is a 14 year old on FML?

Reply

luddearsenal | 7

#4877016 - Thursday 30 August 2012 17:16

There's no age limit for enjoying FML's! I'm thirteen and enjoy it a lot :-)

Reply

gmc_blossom | 21

#4877060 - Thursday 30 August 2012 17:44

There is an age limit for the iPhone app, though. It makes you confirm you're 17 or older. 0.o

Reply

Jaded_Rose | 17

#4877078 - Thursday 30 August 2012 17:53

Yeah but thats easy to get around.

Reply

steelflax | 5

#4877240 - Thursday 30 August 2012 19:05

Stfu

Reply

sarko30 | 7

#4880207 - Friday 31 August 2012 8:26

Why is a 14 year old babysitting?

Reply

Prettygirlnswag | 5

#4885210 - Saturday 1 September 2012 18:05

I forgot all about that untill you said that. (that and I'm 21 and there are a lot of apps that ask you if you're 17 or older, so it becomes habit)

Reply

sayyestothedress | 24

#6054002 - Monday 1 September 2014 17:09

#64 same here!

By mintcar | 9

#4876319 - Thursday 30 August 2012 8:49

She seems like a very difficult woman to work with. Most people would just smile and say thank you.

Bitches be crazy.

Reply

deBlobX | 12

#4876749 - Thursday 30 August 2012 13:18

Yea as she walks in spit on all the things you had cleaned

Reply

PinkieKeen | 20

#4962661 - Sunday 23 September 2012 6:18

43, did you even understand what that comment said...?

By I_Punch_Babies | 7

#4876322 - Thursday 30 August 2012 8:50

Youve just learned a valuable lesson OP. Never go the extra mile no matter what.

Reply

brackaman | 18

#4887991 - Sunday 2 September 2012 18:07

You should've used your username to apply for OP's job if she's angry enough to leave it.

By Meme1988 | 18

#4876324 - Thursday 30 August 2012 8:51

Some people just lack of manners,next time just watch the TV.

By sleepinginclass | 8

#4876326 - Thursday 30 August 2012 8:51

I don't think I would be babysitting for her again. She doesn't sound like the type that's paying you very well anyways.

By blubberfish | 10

#4876333 - Thursday 30 August 2012 8:52

If you babysit again, you should mess her house up. That way she can't accuse you of wanting more money.

By yassminza | 0

#4876336 - Thursday 30 August 2012 8:52

Wow, talk about ungrateful.

By starkidninja | 5

#4876354 - Thursday 30 August 2012 8:56

No good deed really does go unpunished.

Reply

meso222 | 8

#4876642 - Thursday 30 August 2012 12:07

So do no deed. Unless your getting paid.