Today, I asked one of the girls at work out on a date. She responded...

By Lunar-Spice - 23/7/2019 04:05

Today, I asked one of the girls at work out on a date. She responded by filing a harassment complaint. Now, I can't speak to her at all without being written up. FML

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Instadrama

The opposite of a good idea

Time don't heal nothing

By Anonymous - 28/2/2013 07:19 - United States - Portland

Today, I found that someone had paid off my $16,500 student loan. I was so excited that I called my family and posted on Facebook about how awesome it was. Then I called the loan company and found out that they had just sold my loan to another company; no one had actually paid it off. FML

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By didntevenknow - 13/8/2012 15:06 - Malaysia - Kuala Lumpur

Today, I was fooling around on Omegle, when I came across a guy who claimed he could suck himself off. I was doubtful, but morbidly curious, so I told him to prove it. Turns out he could. Before I could close the browser window in horror, my dad walked in and got a good look too. FML

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By jruth7 - 15/5/2011 04:49 - United States

Today, after being in Europe for a month, I got home to find my door wide open and all my stuff gone. I called my dad who was supposed to be watching my house. He told me I should have had someone check on my place while I was gone. FML

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By Nana - 22/10/2012 15:39 - Sweden - Skellefte

Today, I showed my friends the picture I drew picturing the four of us in a 'zombie apocalypse' setting. Turns out they never saw me as their friend, and I'm creeping them out. FML

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By Magicfml - 5/2/2017 20:00 - United States - Toledo

Today, I learned that my boyfriend is a better pole dancer than I am, despite daily practice. This was his first time trying it. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2014 10:42 - United States - Richmond

Today, and for the past 38 weeks of my pregnancy, my husband decided to amuse himself by following me around, making whale noises. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2011 05:10 - United States

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I reached climax. While I was screaming, my 4 year old son comes in with his water gun because he thought I was in trouble. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2009 18:11 - United States

Today, I was in a meeting at work. In the middle of our CEO's speech, I farted. Everyone heard including my boss, who looked over and said, "Do you have anything else you wanted to add?" FML

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2009 18:33 - United States

Today, I was handling corrosive chemicals when I accidentally spilled a beaker of Hydrochloric Acid on myself. I had to strip naked and use the emergency shower with my boss and my hot coworker watching. The worst part was when I realized my coworker was laughing at the size of my penis. FML

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By Jane M - 25/10/2013 23:20 - United States - Lafayette

Today, my mother came over to visit, and my kids started excitedly telling her Christmas is coming soon. She freaked out, saying Christmas is a "Satanic holiday" and telling them that Santa is going to hell along with everyone who celebrates it. My children are now traumatized. FML

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By elizio - 4/8/2015 11:59 - United States - Trenton

Today, I went to a high school reunion. An old friend I hadn't seen in a while suddenly came up to me and gasped, "Oh, thank God!" I was about to greet her and catch up when she added, "I'm not the only one who gained weight!" FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2016 10:34 - United States - Lubbock

Today, I found an injured rabbit by the side of the road. I was about to take it to the local vet, when my husband picked it up and casually snapped its neck. "No rabbit's worth my money" he said, forgetting that he's been a jobless moocher for over 3 years. Pass me the goddamn divorce papers. FML

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By WhatALetdown - 25/11/2015 00:26 - United States - Danbury

Today, I had sex with the guy who had been the main subject of my bean-flicking fantasies since I met him. It was the absolute worst sex of my life. I guess some things are just better left to the imagination. FML

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By notsomuch - 1/8/2011 03:09 - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend's attempt to win me back involved standing at the bottom of my apartment building with two airhorns, blasting them and shouting. And for some reason, singing "Sweet Caroline", even though that's not my name. FML

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By Bliss - 9/2/2009 18:24 - United States

Today, I gave my drink to a girl who I got with previously and started to dance with her. She backed off after a few seconds, took my drink and danced with my friend who was standing right next to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2015 21:29 - United States - Augusta

Today, I went to a job interview. It was my last shot of getting a job before my savings run dry. It all went well until I was asked why I wanted to join the company. I got flustered and stuttered, "Because I um, I like money?" The guy gave me the most insincere "We'll be in touch." ever. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2019 00:02

Not safe for work

Today, I went to move an intimate, very NSFW Word document to a secure folder on my phone. Instead, I accidentally sent it to a printer somewhere in my office building at work. I don't know which of my 40 coworkers or managers has it on their printer for their arrival tomorrow morning. FML

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By fuckingads - 13/2/2017 19:00 - United States - Brookfield

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex to music, which we hadn't done before. I was getting close when it cut to commercial. I was so turned off by the idea of coming during an ad break that I didn't come at all. Thanks Spotify. FML

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By mc_dreamy - 21/8/2010 16:49 - United States

Today, I took my brother and nieces to the zoo. Two of the lions at the exhibit were mating, so I said, "They're playing leap-frog." My 4-year-old niece said, "Looks like they're fucking to me." FML

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By Anonymous - 21/6/2012 14:52 - United States - Medway

Today, when I told my family I was a vegetarian, I expected them to make fun of me because that's just my family. But what I wasn't expecting was my dad to use raw meat as a puppet and make it say, "Eat me! Eat me!" then throw it at my face. FML

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By Christoams - 12/1/2009 04:35 - France

Today, I was putting a new lightbulb in when my wife walks into the room and says "you can't see a thing, i'll turn the light on for you". And she did. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/3/2011 17:32 - United Kingdom

TODAY, I PRESSED CAPS LOCK ON MY LAPTOP AND THE KEY GOT STUCK. NOW ALL OF MY LETTERS ARE IN CAPITAL LETTERS. I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING. FML

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By just_friends - 27/10/2010 17:19 - United States

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said she wanted to stay just friends. Not only did I get denied, apparently we're also "just friends." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2011 04:22 - United States

Today, after my son graduated from nursing school which I, as a single parent, paid for with blood, sweat, and tears, during his grad party he was asked what his next step was. His response was, "Eh, I kinda realized I hate nursing." FML

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By Emily - 17/9/2019 08:00

Pleased to meet you, hope you guess my name

Today, I found out that my parents think my boyfriend is the devil. FML

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By Meetingman - 20/12/2016 08:36

Today, our company did a photo-session for the website. The photographer was limping, and I immediately asked what's wrong with him. Then I noticed he was on a prosthetic. FML

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By Jeslyn03 - 13/1/2012 18:57 - Canada

Today, I wandered around my property with my children, trying to find our escaped house cat. While in the more wooded parts, we spotted her on the ground, being picked over by a coyote. FML

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By Deadendjob - 22/5/2017 02:00

Today, my dad refused to sign a student finance form to allow me to study my dream subject at university because he doesn't want the government knowing his business. FML

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By maystar - 26/5/2018 15:00

That's worth $0.30 at GameStop!

Today, it's my birthday. My mom and three other relatives each bought me a copy of Diablo 3 for my birthday. A video game that I didn't ask for, for a console I don't have. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/3/2016 22:36 - United States - Hampton

Today, I had to attend a meeting with my parents, my teacher, and my bully and his parents. When we started, my bully "broke down" and "tearfully" told the teacher that I was the one bullying him, and that he was getting blamed to cover it all up. They believed him. FML

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By Surfinbird09 - 20/12/2009 12:58 - United Kingdom

Today, I asked a girl I liked for her number, but she claimed she had a broken phone and was getting a new one for Christmas. Unhinged, I go home and go onto Facebook. First thing I see is her status: "Why is no one answering my calls?" FML

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By Anonymous - 3/2/2016 15:06 - United States - Ventura

Today, after a badly misjudged hand signal, I accidentally hit my boss in the face instead of high-fiving her. FML

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By Des - 11/5/2019 18:00

Today, it’s been 3 weeks since I had an interview for an internship this summer. I’ve applied to over 40 internships over the past 6 months, and this was the only interview I’ve had. I banked my entire summer on this. FML

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By Miramichi - 30/5/2011 12:18 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he pees on the toilet seat just to piss me off. FML

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By great. - 2/1/2013 18:59

Today, I went on a first date with the guy I really like. During our dinner, he said he needed to go to the bathroom. You guessed it: he didn't come back. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2012 06:17 - United States - Oakland

Today, I saw my cat playing with one of his many toy mice. Knowing he likes to play fetch, I picked it up and threw it across the room. Upon trying to pick it up a second time, I realized that not only was it not a toy, but it was only half-dead. FML

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By mallyboo - 1/10/2016 14:38 - Canada - Richmond Hill

Today, I discovered that you should always check the litter box before vacuuming stray litter outside of it after my cat burst out from the box mid-piss and skittered around the house still pissing after I put the vacuum hose behind the box. FML

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By anonymous - 7/3/2010 19:20 - United States

Today, I found out my ex-boyfriend is getting engaged. He broke up with me five months ago because our relationship was too serious for him. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2013 01:14 - United States - Pearland

Today, trying to be friendly, I said good morning to the creepy guy at work. He responded by wordlessly hugging me. I was touched, until I realized he was trying to unhook my bra. FML

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By Julie - 25/12/2012 03:20 - United States - East Brunswick

Today, I woke up to find our Christmas tree knocked over, unwrapped presents scattered everywhere, and my mom passed out on the sofa with a bottle of booze. Merry Christmas. FML

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Top comments

By Sagar Nair | 11

#7823608 - Tuesday 23 July 2019 4:11

Needs more info. Clearly you might have done something for her to immediately file a report on you just for asking her out

By Memnoc | 26

#7823624 - Tuesday 23 July 2019 5:53

Never date anyone that's a coworker. It's bad for you, bad for them, and bad for the company. If\when you break up, the animosity will make work suffer. Still dating and have a heated argument, again work suffers. Just bad all around.

Comments

By Sagar Nair | 11

#7823608 - Tuesday 23 July 2019 4:11

Needs more info. Clearly you might have done something for her to immediately file a report on you just for asking her out

GamerChickxoxo | 16

#7823618 - Tuesday 23 July 2019 5:09

maybe the girl she asked out was straight ? maybe even a little homophobic ?

By Memnoc | 26

#7823624 - Tuesday 23 July 2019 5:53

By LostSoul | 19

#7823640 - Tuesday 23 July 2019 7:32

Keep work and private life separate.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7823650 - Tuesday 23 July 2019 8:43

You never ask a coworker out unless you are absolutely sure she wants to go.

Otherwise, you’re creating a “hostile work environment.”

By Joppei | 12

#7823655 - Tuesday 23 July 2019 9:27

That sucks! It seems like we can hardly behave like humans any more these days. When it comes to these things I'm Glad I don't live in the USA though.