Today, I asked my girlfriend about a diamond necklace I bought... - FML

By I_Lossed - 3/11/2009 11:02 - Australia

Today, I asked my girlfriend about a diamond necklace I bought her for her birthday, which she didn't seem to be wearing. She then told me she hocked it to pay for her inexpensive phone bill. I paid $1,500 for that necklace, she received $300 from the pawn shop. FML

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Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

Sewer monster

Hello everyone!

By Lovesickgal - 26/11/2019 14:00 - United Kingdom

Wrong number

Today, my ex-boyfriend texted me, saying, "I love you." Stupidly, I was very excited and replied, "At last! I still love you", to which he replied, "wrong number sorry, I don't love you." FML

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By hearingthings - 26/6/2012 02:59 - Australia - Perth

Today, in a drunken, depressed state I thought I heard my deceased mother trying to make contact with me from beyond the grave. It took me a moment to realise that the soft voice was from the music my neighbours were playing. FML

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By lolmyfduplife - 24/12/2015 06:10

Today, I put my 5 month-old daughter in her swinging chair and walked into the kitchen to make her a bottle. When I came back, she was giggling because the dog was licking her face. It would have been cute, picture worthy even, if I actually had a dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2015 13:47 - United States - Kenosha

Today, my deadbeat dad threatened to press charges against me for harassment if I ever contact him again. I've contacted him twice in the last two years, once to tell him he was going to be a grandfather, and once to send him a birthday card from my son. FML

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By makdra - 6/1/2016 18:01

Today, I found out my mom can't wait until I turn 18, so she can kick me out and turn my room into a huge closet for all her clothes. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2019 12:00

Carded B.

Today, I ordered a beer with my parents at dinner. The waitress said, "Oh, happy 22nd birthday." My parents eyes got really big, and they started to blush. They'd forgotten it was my birthday. FML

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By iskalion - 10/10/2015 05:39 - Canada - Grande Prairie

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents over lunch. Unfortunately, I showed my dad her Facebook profile beforehand and he wouldn't stop making cracks about her duckfacing. It started with "Don't let her eat the bread, it'll puff up in her stomach and kill her", and ended in tears. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2012 10:03 - United States

Today, I had this amazing dream that a beautiful girl was giving me head. It was getting really hot, so in my dream, I reached down to push on her head, but in real life I actually swung my arm down and punched myself in the balls. FML

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By Forever Alone - 3/7/2013 04:26 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I found out that my mom bet my dad $100 that she could pay my boyfriend ten bucks to break up with me. She is now $90 richer. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/1/2010 22:08 - Canada

Today, I was lying on the couch after having surgery on my stomach. My best friend and my mom thought that laughter would be the best medicine. Due to their medicine, I ripped out half my stitches. FML

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By Blue_belle - 19/10/2019 04:00

Observational Comedy 101

Today, I was wearing a cute black dungaree dress with a purple top underneath. I thought I looked pretty good, until my son told me I looked like an evil Minion. FML

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By footscratching - 28/1/2012 06:27 - United States

Today, my wife and I were getting intimate for the first time in several months. Then we heard our son yelling from the other room needing my help. He needed me to scratch his foot because the cat was on his lap and he couldn't reach it. FML

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By Mrs. W. - 11/8/2015 00:32 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, a kid on a bike passed me and commented on my "big fat butt." Recognizing him from the neighborhood, I told my husband to go speak to his parents about the inappropriate comment. It turns out his father is the man who yesterday commented on my "big bouncing tits." FML

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By Anonymous - 14/10/2009 21:27 - United States

Today, I went to a party where I met some nice girls. One of them was really sweet and we were having a great time in my friend's backyard. As I was on the swing, I was gonna give her my number, but instead, I gave her a harsh kick to the face. FML

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By WittyMoron - 8/1/2020 01:00 - United Kingdom

Shooting!

Today, I was out shooting pigeons with my brother. I decided to climb a tree to get a better view of where they were flying in from. As I perched on a branch and surveyed the skies, my idiot brother mistook me for a pigeon and shot me in the leg. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2015 16:05 - United States

Today, a creepy old guy kept hitting on me in line at Subway. I got scared and told him to back off because my dad was waiting for me outside. He replied that he wouldn't object to a three-way. FML

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By WhoopteeDooDoo - 12/10/2011 22:47 - United States

Today, I pulled into the gas station to fill up only to realize I had forgot my wallet. By the time I went home, got it, and came back, the price had gone up eleven cents. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2019 20:05

Today, my social life consists of eavesdropping on my two coworkers chatting. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2016 19:38 - United States - San Antonio

Today, my soon-to-be mother-in-law decided that she is going to be in charge of planning my wedding. All decisions must be approved by her, and anything she doesn't like will be thrown out. She also wants to go on our honeymoon with us to make sure I don't "defile" her son. FML

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By - 30/1/2020 20:00

Someone else

Today, I was going down on my girlfriend when I noticed a hickey near her hip. I said, "wow, last night was crazy, I don't even remember doing that!". Without even interrupting the action, she simply said, "You didn't". FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2011 04:49 - United States

Today, while practicing my gymnastics routine on the uneven bars, I was so distracted by my teammates' conversation about a party later that I miscalculated my flip and smacked my head on a bar. Ten stitches and a concussion later, I was left alone in the hospital. FML

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By markerThief - 13/10/2013 04:33 - United States - Apple Valley

Today, I jokingly told my friend that I was the kid who stole his brand new glow-in-the-dark markers back in kindergarten. Now he's ignoring my texts and calls and says we're through. So much for our twelve years of friendship. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2019 00:01

Today, I went in for I thought would be an interview for a promotion, but turns out there was no interview set up, and they'd already decided who would be the next manager. FML

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By begging for air - 20/2/2014 17:45 - United States - Hillsboro

Today, I went to the arcade with my dad, and we decided to try out the hurricane simulator, which blasts 60mph air around in an enclosed space. My dad farted halfway through. FML

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By ldrik1 - 11/6/2014 20:36 - United States - Syracuse

Today, my psycho neighbor finished building a cannon. An honest-to-god, on-wheels, could-be-on-a-pirate-ship cannon. And now he's testing it in the forest by my house. I'm pretty scared for my life, to be honest. FML

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By dadyoureacunt - 21/9/2013 13:10 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my dad made a big show of sending me to my room and grounding me for a week. Not because he heard me cursing at my video game, but because I "swear like a little girl" and it embarrassed him in front of his friends. FML

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By Unlucky. - 16/10/2009 06:21 - United States

Today, I took my parking permit off my car to debate a ticket that I got for not having my permit displayed. Twenty minutes later, when I got back to my car, I had another ticket on my window for not having my parking permit displayed because I was using it to disprove the first ticket. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2013 21:57 - Argentina

Today, after getting a root canal, I told my mother how boring it was just sitting there with my mouth open for ages while the dentist did his work. She then told me how she had to do the same kind of thing on her anniversary night with my father. FML

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By Bashit - 1/4/2012 01:00 - United States - Bullard

Today, I received a call from the company I applied to, only to have my father pick it up and make fun of the man's accent. They won't call me back or take any of my calls, and my dad is completely unapologetic. FML

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By stillwaiting - 15/9/2009 21:32 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my boss plays a trick on all the interns. He calls you to his office, then leaves you waiting outside until you get annoyed and leave. Apparently, the old record was 45mins. I waited 4 hours. FML

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By damncat - 8/12/2009 06:26 - United States

Today, while driving, I witnessed the neighbors dog viciously shaking a black cat. So I slammed on the brakes and jumped out of the car, frantically chasing around the huge dog screaming "Help, someone please help!" I finally managed to tackle him and release the cat. It was a stuffed animal. FML

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By Leyla - 27/10/2015 01:23 - United States - Franklin

Today, my boyfriend and I respectfully asked my landlady if he could stay with me until he gets back on his feet. He was robbed at gunpoint in his house last night. Landlady then yelled because we aren't married, and then showed up at my door at 10pm, "just making sure John isn't here". FML

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By MomOfBoys - 22/12/2016 21:20

Today, it's early-release before Christmas break for the kiddos, and my awesome-sauce boss let them hang out in our law office for the afternoon. So far, one has puked in the conference room, and the other has clogged the toilet. Only 2 hours to go. FML

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By hatboxghost - 9/7/2009 05:17 - United States

Today, my suburban, white boyfriend of two years told me he wanted to tell me something serious. He sat me down, looked me in the eye and said "I want to be gangster." I started laughing thinking he was joking. He was 100% serious. FML

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By Milly - 23/5/2018 05:00

Today, it's my birthday, and my coworkers gave me a $75 gift card to a restaurant chain near my house. Later in the evening, I found out the chain of restaurants abruptly closed. All of them. FML

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By Annie - 24/2/2011 06:39 - United States

Today, I went to my son's high school play. The moment I arrived at the auditorium, I shouted out his name to let him know I made it. Thinking I was a student, a teacher yelled, "SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN!" Scared out of my mind, I quickly obeyed, to mass giggling from the kids. FML

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By Anyonymous_101 - 21/9/2019 14:02

Alexa, play "All You Need Is Hate" by The Delgados

Today, I found out my that my girlfriend's parents hate me, all because they saw me laughing and hanging out with another girl. That other girl was my sister. FML

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By Shelly - 14/12/2011 05:18 - United States

Today, I accidentally called my cute boss "babe." I now have to pretend it's what I call everyone, and start calling all my coworkers "babe." FML

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By Anonyme - 29/5/2012 10:19

Today, I went to my first ever job interview, in a totally stressed out state. The employer's first question was: "What's your name?" I forgot. FML

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By Chey1309 - 29/6/2010 03:19 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend if I looked alright for our date. He said, "Honey, you look fine, just don't go out in public like that." FML

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Top comments

By IdolChatter | 0

#652337 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 16:40

So go to the pawn shop, get it back & give it to someone who cares enough to keep it.

By sammy_little | 0

#652360 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 16:48

Run. My first wife pulled something like this just before she got pregnant (on purpose). I went into the marriage with no debt and money in the back and filed a joint bankrupcy for $200,000 about two years later. It is obvious she cannot handle her business and $1500 is a small price to pay to find this out.

COMMENTS

By IdolChatter | 0

#652337 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 16:40

So go to the pawn shop, get it back & give it to someone who cares enough to keep it.

Reply

The_Pleb | 0

#652375 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 16:53

Pics or it didnt happen

Reply

nando92 | 0

#652505 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 18:32

yea i agree with #1
if she doesnt care enought to keep it get it back and leave her ass

Reply

loooooooooool_fml | 1

#652559 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 19:14

Because you can just march in the pawn shop and order them to give it back. Seriously, the dude just spent 1500$ for the necklace, I doubt he has the money to get it back.

Reply

ZleveL | 0

#1045889 - Sunday 27 June 2010 9:28

^win!

Reply

jondivey | 9

#2181085 - Monday 14 March 2011 18:09

^^ win

Reply

Falalala243 | 0

#3649709 - Sunday 27 November 2011 22:32

^^^win

Reply

XanderJayNix | 17

#3849579 - Sunday 8 January 2012 9:38

^^^^win?

Reply

liltwistism | 12

#5580306 - Sunday 14 July 2013 22:46

^^^^^All losses because you got downvoted.

Reply

droid1126 | 25

#6053113 - Sunday 31 August 2014 7:51

^Party pooper...

By Jewelofagal | 2

#652339 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 16:40

Now you know where to put your real treasure (your heart) and it's not in her care.

By fireandice27 | 0

#652340 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 16:40

Ouch that's pretty heartless of her.... You'd think she'd place a bit more importance on a gift from her boyfriend

By NYUgirl | 0

#652353 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 16:45

at least she told you man. That's not the worst that could happen. For some reason in find this hard to believe...

FYL

By AdviceDog | 0

#652355 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 16:46

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░░░HERPES IS FOREVER▒▒▒

Reply

Brave_Sir_Robin | 4

#652397 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 17:01

I prefer this solution:

"Now c'mon y'all! Let's find someone with AIDS to pee in her empty eye socket, slit her throat, and use the blood as lubricant while we rape her." -Small Woodland Critter Squirrel (South Park)

Reply

hahaha6 | 0

#652414 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 17:12

It's woodland critter Christmas! Hail Satan!

Reply

Brave_Sir_Robin | 4

#652418 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 17:16

"But we've got to have a heathen for the anti-Christ."
-Small Woodland Critter Bear (South Park)

Reply

sicpupyz122 | 0

#883457 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 1:19

hailthe anti Chris lolz

By zabeth_fml | 0

#652358 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 16:48

Whaaaat. Dump her! That's horrible.

By sammy_little | 0

#652360 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 16:48

Run. My first wife pulled something like this just before she got pregnant (on purpose). I went into the marriage with no debt and money in the back and filed a joint bankrupcy for $200,000 about two years later. It is obvious she cannot handle her business and $1500 is a small price to pay to find this out.

Reply

masquerade08 | 0

#653585 - Wednesday 4 November 2009 5:46

This is why I don't bother messing around with business.... I'm no good at it. Some chicks are, some guys are, I am not. I don't even want to get a credit card. Scary things... Credit cards.

By cattyfresh2115 | 0

#652364 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 16:49

dump that ungrateful bitch

Reply

yingwang19 | 0

#652393 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 16:59

AGREED.

By cybely | 0

#652368 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 16:50

FLEE!

By HotSauce_fml | 0

#652370 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 16:52

Dump that skank hoe.