Today, for the first time ever, a woman saw my penis. I am 30...

Today, for the first time ever, a woman saw my penis. I am 30 years old. The woman was my doctor. She snorted to cover a laugh and apologized. FML

By Alice - 19/7/2013 06:04

Samisey's illustrated FML

Guys! The week is almost over. TGIS right? Well, don't worry, you don't have to wait anymore, you can fully enjoy two days...

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By Anonymous / Friday 10 April 2009 21:40 / United States

Health

Who's a good boy?

The student becomes the master

Live dumping

By Anonymous - 3/10/2012 17:40 - United States

Today, while walking down the hall of my old school, I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. Behind the faculty parking lot where I parked my truck, two students were having sex on my tailgate. FML

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33503

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3081

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By time to put you down, gran - 1/12/2012 22:53 - United States

Today, I went to Hollister with my grandmother. She immediately started yelling about the music being too loud, and ordered the staff to "shut the damn thing off". She was yelling at a bunch of mannequins. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27735

You deserved it

4671

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By preggers - 29/11/2010 19:20 - United States

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. My husband and I are divorcing because HE had an affair. He now wants a paternity test. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37257

You deserved it

3599

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By shutup shutup shutup don't wanna hear it - 8/11/2016 00:43 - United States - Charlottesville

Today, my roommate told me that she was studying in the library. Turns out, she didn't feel like going to the library and just spent all afternoon studying in a friend's room because she didn't think I was capable of shutting up for long enough to get any work done. Our other friends agreed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8284

You deserved it

4503

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By ok then - 31/10/2016 15:55

Today, my sister called my Native American friend a bigot for saying he had no problem with the name "Cleveland Indians". FML

I agree, your life sucks

9637

You deserved it

673

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By sadlife - 9/7/2009 18:50 - Canada

Today, I opened my lunch in front of my friends at university. I had a note in my lunch from my mother that said "Have a good day sweetie! - Love mom". I wrote that note, and put it in my lunch to impress my friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21247

You deserved it

66308

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By ifpigsflew - 4/10/2010 23:31 - New Zealand

Today, I got hit by a Salami log thrown from a car; its metal wire cut my shoulder. I got scarred by a flying hunk of pig. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29062

You deserved it

2755

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By abrooks88 - 8/2/2012 16:53 - United States

Today, I got denied a job. They told me I was unreliable because I didn't show up for my third interview. This is the same interview they called and cancelled this morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29809

You deserved it

2012

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By HowToGetFired - 7/7/2015 20:20 - United States - Tampa

Today, I just finished a driving school that I thought would lower my insurance by 10%. It was 30 hours so I was glad it was over, that was until I found out I took the wrong class. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22013

You deserved it

8552

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By fedexed - 27/7/2009 19:12 - United States

Today, I brought my lunch to work in the only box I had lying around my apartment - a small one from FedEx. When I went to the bathroom before lunch, I returned to my desk to find that one of my coworkers had mailed my lunch back to my apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53162

You deserved it

10306

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By Btdtgts - 25/3/2017 14:00

Today, I had to take out the grease traps from our fryers. A very rude co-worker cut me off, so I had to abruptly stop and try to prevent as much spilling as possible. Luckily, it only spilled on me. I'm here for six more hours with burned, smelly, greasy spots all over my skin and clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4470

You deserved it

305

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By Bex - 15/3/2016 07:27 - United States - San Francisco

Today, in front of a group of family, friends, and acquaintances, a guy I hadn't talked to in about two years asked me how rehab was going. In the monstrous silence that followed, I had to awkwardly explain that I work at a nursing home that also functions as a rehabilitation center. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19360

You deserved it

1492

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By arrogantlondon - 16/4/2009 04:11 - United States

Today, I went shopping with my friend. The store was having a special where if you spend over $75 you receive a free T-shirt. I paid for my items and my total was over $75. The salesman didn't hand me a shirt so I asked him for one. He looks at me and says "I'm sorry, we only have Mediums." FML

I agree, your life sucks

61272

You deserved it

7367

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By ChaoticGamer - 23/12/2015 15:15 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up to a horrible smell only to realize that my dog had peed all over my leg cast during the night. I can't get another one because the closest doctors are all on Christmas vacation. Guess this is an early Christmas present from my dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23676

You deserved it

1868

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By Joseph N - 19/6/2012 16:08 - United States

Today, a police officer came to talk to the kids at my workplace. He asked what they wanted to hear about first. A group of them shouted, "The donuts, tells us about the donuts." Apparently these idiots are the future of my country. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24849

You deserved it

5079

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By Jayanka - 3/5/2018 05:00

Today, my 17-year-old daughter has been sending and receiving videos and pictures of a sexual nature. I just had to wade through a ton of middle-aged dick pics as evidence for the police. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4995

You deserved it

570

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By JustMyLuck - 12/2/2010 14:14 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend wanted me to sleep over at his house. Then he found out that it was that time of the month for me, so he told me that he had to work this weekend and said "see you sometime next week." He doesn't have a job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32107

You deserved it

4818

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By nsb124 - 28/1/2015 08:07 - United States

Today, it was my brother's birthday. I was short on money but got him a present anyway. After opening it, he looked at it and said, "I didn't really want this." FML

I agree, your life sucks

31668

You deserved it

2788

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By nopissleft - 20/12/2013 21:05 - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, I woke up to a loud crashing in the middle of the night. I went to investigate, but found nothing amiss. Nothing except an axe firmly wedged in my front door, that is. It's safe to say that I have no clue who did it, and that I needed a fresh pair of underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47852

You deserved it

2877

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By D: - 6/10/2013 17:13 - France - Paris

Today, I woke up to my creepy new roommate licking my cheek. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50266

You deserved it

3872

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By sadsadboy - 7/9/2015 21:20 - Peru

Today, I went to a bar which has two stories. I was on the top floor and then went downstairs. As I was going down, I recognised a boy in a wheelchair and his friends trying to get him up. I helped and took the wheelchair. One of his friends decided it would be a good moment to steal my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26256

You deserved it

1805

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By ash203 - 12/12/2009 21:38 - United States

Today, my friend and I got really drunk at the holiday staff party. When I went to work afterwards, everyone gave me the death stare. Apparently, I got so drunk that I flashed my boss' 13 year old son. FML

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8233

You deserved it

49620

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By BoogieCandy. - 23/10/2009 08:56 - Canada

Today, at work, I was standing at the till helping an attractive man. I have a cold and could feel the snot bubbling up. He orders and we flirt for a bit. Just as I'm about to hand him his product, I sneeze quite loudly and forcefully all over his face. Guess I won't be getting that number. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29310

You deserved it

8477

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2019 16:00

Early bird special

Today, despite the fact they know I'm commuting hundreds of kilometres, I was requested to come to work at the earliest possible hour, every day. I'll be waking up at half past 3 a.m. and admire sunrises on my way. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1473

You deserved it

192

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By fuck gangnam style in the anus - 20/10/2012 22:48 - United States - Stevenson Ranch

Today, I purchased a brand new television. Not long after the professional who hung it on my wall left, it came crashing down on my hardwood floor. I'm now left with a busted TV, a tear in my living room wall, and a severely drained bank account. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26923

You deserved it

2820

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2019 02:30

Today, after 2 years of paying off the insurance fees after an accident, I got rear-ended. It was the same driver who crashed into me the first time. FML

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2320

You deserved it

114

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By ID10t - 10/11/2009 05:24 - United States

Today, I was on my back porch having a cigarette. Not being all that awake yet, I threw the butt, still smoldering, on the ground. Did I remember that there was an ashtray right next to me? No. I did what I would do at work: I stamped it out. Barefoot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7781

You deserved it

53665

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2017 00:00

Today, working midnight at a coffee shop, I had a customer set down his phone on the counter to pay. Screen up. Still playing his, "Ebony Rimjob" porn. FML

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5167

You deserved it

368

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By moshgra - 29/11/2010 00:41

Today, I went in to work to check my new schedule for the week. I searched up and down and didn't see my name listed. After talking to my manager, he decided it would be easier to "release" me than remake a new schedule. FML

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26892

You deserved it

2155

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By dancingqueef - 22/6/2016 02:39 - United States - Kingston

Today, my mom told me to break a leg before performing in my dancing school's show. I really did break part of my leg while performing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12638

You deserved it

1168

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2010 15:29 - United Kingdom

Today, I was sitting at a traffic light when a cute girl appeared at the side of the road. I sat and watched her until she had crossed, when I realised that I had missed the light. A large queue of cars had built up behind me, yet none of them used their horn because I was driving my police car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9555

You deserved it

53947

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By donnap - 9/6/2012 05:54 - United States - North Highlands

Today, I got a really bad sunburn. On my eyelids. Who knew blinking could be so painful? FML

I agree, your life sucks

27289

You deserved it

4687

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By Tee - 11/12/2009 09:26 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were laying in his bed. I was watching the Terminator on T.V. A commercial came on in the middle of the movie. We just started having sex when the movie came back on he said "I'll be back." in the Arnold Schwartzenegger accent and rolled over to watch the movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22641

You deserved it

4561

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By The Last One - 11/3/2012 06:39 - Canada

Today, in the locker room at work, someone tried writing "douche bag" on my locker, and misspelled it four times before apparently giving up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26670

You deserved it

2217

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By anonymous - 13/4/2020 02:00

Keep fit!

Today, my girlfriend and I were on the phone. She heard I was out of breath and asked me, "Are you okay?" I didn't have the heart to tell her that she'd caught me masturbating, and I'm so out of shape it sounded like I'd ran a marathon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1159

You deserved it

1212

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By Pr unlucky - 2/10/2010 08:07 - Australia

Today, I married the woman I love. I wasn't the groom, I was the minister. FML

I agree, your life sucks

70365

You deserved it

6634

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By AwwChute - 21/2/2010 01:53 - United States

Today, I got stuck in my apartment's garbage chute. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11973

You deserved it

32605

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By Doubleyew1 - 2/8/2010 23:43 - United States

Today, the cute guy I met on Halloween finally decided to meet up with me after almost 10 months of phone calls, IM, and emails. He was noticeably disappointed and said I looked different. On Halloween I had full face zombie makeup. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34301

You deserved it

4859

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By noway - 22/3/2015 04:03 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a girl asked me to check out her left breast, which she said she'd found a strange lump on. I'm an orthodontist. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30761

You deserved it

3429

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2010 07:32 - United States

Today, my brother changed the password on my laptop so that I can't log into my profile. All my notes for school are on it and finals start on Monday. Guess who can't remember the new password. FML

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38451

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3841

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Top comments

By RyanRaygun | 0

#100805 - Saturday 11 April 2009 3:38

The only reasonable explanation for this is that you are a clown and before you went to the doctor you tied your penis up to look like a poodle.

By neonoodle | 0

#100824 - Saturday 11 April 2009 3:39

get over your penis size and get out more. Your insecurity is what's holding you back.

Comments

By 666midnight | 0

#100785 - Saturday 11 April 2009 3:34

lol thats bad :P

mercury23 | 7

#972290 - Thursday 1 April 2010 0:10

hooked up? it is so funny!

Asstazztic | 8

#1039608 - Tuesday 22 June 2010 21:25

I'm sure mommy and daddy saw it when u were a baby, and your doctor when u were born

zanguard | 0

#1112179 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 5:29

maybe the doctor just wasn't hot?

Midrash | 5

#3461503 - Thursday 20 October 2011 15:03

It's just a small problem. Not a big deal

boredSOLDIER | 33

#5613081 - Sunday 4 August 2013 23:26

what?

By dippindot001 | 0

#100789 - Saturday 11 April 2009 3:34

ahahahahaha 30 year old and you've never hooked up?!?!

fishsmash | 0

#1245828 - Sunday 15 August 2010 15:07

the funny part is hes from virginia xD

tomdebom | 0

#1636039 - Monday 1 November 2010 18:44

hahahhahahahah youre genious serieus

YeaWhoFMLitsme | 5

#3774043 - Friday 23 December 2011 3:56

Lol

DrBAMF69 | 0

#4602076 - Saturday 23 June 2012 3:49

Quite a chick magnet

By RyanRaygun | 0

#100805 - Saturday 11 April 2009 3:38

The only reasonable explanation for this is that you are a clown and before you went to the doctor you tied your penis up to look like a poodle.

marc24_fml | 0

#2284046 - Sunday 3 April 2011 5:05

hahaha!!!!!!

lizzzmarie | 0

#2383304 - Thursday 21 April 2011 15:12

bahahahahahhahahahahahahahhahahahhahahahaha

Snackycake | 20

#4569393 - Friday 15 June 2012 9:58

That sounds....painful.

Henge | 6

#5633772 - Monday 19 August 2013 4:49

for it to be shaped like a poodle.. it would have to be blown up... and last I checked its kinda hard to do that by yourself....

tormcn | 26

#6277979 - Thursday 30 April 2015 15:01

Unless you're Marilyn Manson. He had rib cages taken out to do so.

Hippohighasakite | 21

#6576105 - Friday 8 April 2016 2:28

he never actually had that done that was just a stupid rumor.

By ohdamn_fml | 2

#100808 - Saturday 11 April 2009 3:36

You fail, sorry.

CreeperXRemix15 | 8

#5589582 - Saturday 20 July 2013 17:11

you say that like it's his fault

acid_moose | 7

#5767980 - Monday 25 November 2013 20:55

I assume he was flaccid when she saw it. If that's the case, he might just be a grower, not a shower.

By ohhboyy | 0

#100810 - Saturday 11 April 2009 3:38

MAYBE SHE HAS A COLD!

By Jok3r_fml | 0

#100812 - Saturday 11 April 2009 3:39

rough man haha

By lilian96 | 0

#100816 - Saturday 11 April 2009 3:39

LOL
you're hilarous #5 !

By basketball03 | 0

#100818 - Saturday 11 April 2009 3:36

FYL for suuuuree

PterodactylMan | 23

#5608832 - Thursday 1 August 2013 23:37

I'm sorry man, that really sucks

By Jem0_0 | 0

#100819 - Saturday 11 April 2009 3:37

I would have passed out from embarrassment.

By neonoodle | 0

#100824 - Saturday 11 April 2009 3:39

get over your penis size and get out more. Your insecurity is what's holding you back.