Today, for the first time ever, a woman saw my penis. I am 30...

Today, for the first time ever, a woman saw my penis. I am 30 years old. The woman was my doctor. She snorted to cover a laugh and apologized. FML

By Alice - 19/7/2013 06:04

Samisey's illustrated FML

Guys! The week is almost over. TGIS right? Well, don't worry, you don't have to wait anymore, you can fully enjoy two days...

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By Anonymous / Friday 10 April 2009 21:40 / United States

Health

Season finale

Incognito browsing

Bad news

By Uh-oh - 10/11/2009 12:33 - Australia

Today, I decided to come clean with my daughter about her adoptive status within my family. Just after I told her she was adopted, I realized that I have been telling her stories about me giving birth to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7212

You deserved it

62321

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2016 06:28 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, it's been five days since I started my new job in a new town, just signed a lease on my new apartment too. Now I find out the company's closing down, and since I'm still on probation, I'm told I'm not entitled to any kind of severance. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22493

You deserved it

1912

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2015 14:59 - United States

Today, I took the biggest, most excruciatingly painful crap of my life. It was so bad that I couldn't walk straight for a good 20 minutes afterwards. Long enough for my boyfriend to film me limping around and post the clip to Facebook with the caption "#anal ftw ;)". FML

I agree, your life sucks

33696

You deserved it

4050

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By florisvanlent - 12/2/2009 16:17 - Netherlands

Today, while copying some stuff for school, I felt someone rubbing her boobs against my back. I got a boner and when I looked to see who the hot chick was, I saw my fat friend rubbing his man boobs against my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29503

You deserved it

56129

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By Queerbait - 5/11/2015 06:52 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend's mother insisted she's not homophobic, but however people only 'turn gay' because they were sexually abused, or are 'making it up to get attention'. She informed me I'm the former and my girlfriend is the latter. Uh huh. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23652

You deserved it

2382

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By Anonymous - 16/4/2020 20:00

Stuck in a rut

Today, I realised my wife has been slowly phasing out most elements of our previously active and inventive sex life. These days, it's missionary once a month or she tells me to whack one off by myself in the bathroom. When did we get so boring? FML

I agree, your life sucks

1869

You deserved it

278

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2012 03:07 - United States

Today, my biology teacher assigned us partners for a project. I got paired up with one of the smartest kids in the class. When he found out I was his partner, he cried. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34174

You deserved it

8871

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2015 07:28 - United States - Plainview

Today, while driving home from work, I saw my boyfriend mugging a woman on the sidewalk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35834

You deserved it

3292

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2011 21:33 - United States

Today, I had to renew my driver's license at the DMV. Earlier, I was in a play and was still covered in stage makeup. I didn't realize that not all of it had come off until after my picture was taken and put on my new license. For the next three years, I'll be the guy with the dark eyeliner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25623

You deserved it

8806

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2014 18:46 - United States

Today, I took my Spanish exam. One of the questions was to translate "Mark is lazy and antisocial." My name is Mark. Everyone kept giving me weird looks the whole test. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33026

You deserved it

2776

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By -__- - 27/12/2013 21:49 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I discovered the real reason my husband was distraught last week and has been acting moodily ever since. An attractive girl he was secretly having sex chats with online confessed to him that "she" was actually a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49697

You deserved it

4542

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By frustrated - 30/10/2009 04:17 - Australia

Today, I discovered that just because I get unwanted erections on an hourly basis throughout the day, it doesn't mean that I can get required erections in the night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23475

You deserved it

2575

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2012 18:09 - United States - Victorville

Today, my girlfriend felt bad about a rude comment she made to me, and asked me to insult her in return. I told her she was getting fat. Wrong move; now she's not speaking to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14090

You deserved it

44418

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By purplefuzz - 19/2/2016 23:34 - United States - Savannah

Today, my grandma posted an embarrassing childhood photo on my school's events page. I told her everyone could see it, and asked if she could take it down. She freaked and commented on it, apologizing for posting it. Now I feel guilty for embarrassing her, and it's still on the page. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20254

You deserved it

2562

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By Guntherdog - 27/6/2013 15:17 - United States

Today, my fiancée decided to go on a "vacation." Our wedding is tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57751

You deserved it

4029

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By pointlessperson - 6/2/2009 14:28 - Canada

Today, I hung out with a friend who has been too busy to hang out with me in a few months. I decided to make the day super special with fun plans and spent a lot of money doing so. When I got home, her facebook status said "Pointless day, gone to bed". FML

I agree, your life sucks

40673

You deserved it

2974

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By zzfreakshow - 15/10/2013 00:16 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I fell asleep while at the beach with friends. Someone thought it would be funny to put chunks of bread on and around my junk. Seagulls have sharp beaks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44715

You deserved it

5003

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By Rebecca - 16/1/2012 00:36 - Canada

Today, as I was pulling into my driveway, I hit my fence. The same fence that I had repaired last week because I had run into it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8602

You deserved it

41278

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By spacemanspiff78 - 31/10/2011 15:07

Today, while standing in line at the supermarket, I reached past my wife to get a pack of gum. She jokingly did the "battered wife flinch" to get a laugh, and smiled at me from behind her hand. The cop staring at us obviously didn't notice the smile and definitely didn't think it was funny. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30881

You deserved it

4095

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By Chensticles - 14/10/2009 01:25 - France

Today, I went to my hairdresser who promised me a haircut which "all the girls would want you" for. She gave me a combover. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27076

You deserved it

3626

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By "belladonna1025" - 29/12/2018 00:00

Today, I told a customer her total was $89.40. She put her leg up on the counter and dug a $100 bill out of her nasty sock. It was damp. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2701

Phew, glad it wasn't me

404

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By Rachel - 1/3/2012 21:43 - United States

Today, I joined a new choir. My director asked me if my best friend was actually my girlfriend. Taken aback, I said no, I was not a lesbian. He then asked me to clarify my gender. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34094

You deserved it

4809

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By Drew - 6/3/2013 15:16 - United States - Great Falls

Today, I discovered that the neck injury that my mom has had since last week was planned just as an excuse not to shovel when today's snowstorm came. She has planned on being lazy for over a week now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30884

You deserved it

3099

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By SleeplessInDenver - 2/9/2019 06:00 - United States - Denver

Hummmmmmmmm

Today, I moved into my brand new apartment, only to discover that there is an annoying, constant hum coming from the ceiling above my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1473

You deserved it

122

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2010 14:56 - United States

Today, my 8 year old adopted daughter told me she wants me to take her back so another family can adopt her because I don't give her enough toys. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41787

You deserved it

4604

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By spanishsucks - 1/4/2012 03:01 - United States - Livingston

Today, I introduced my mother to my new girlfriend. My mom made a very nasty comment about her in Spanish, not realizing that my girlfriend teaches Spanish at the local school. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38144

You deserved it

2858

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By tiptoesjohnson - 19/1/2012 23:26

Today, I attempted to cheat on a test by writing some notes on my hand. During the test I had a question. I raised my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8438

You deserved it

82986

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By assault and imnotracistbuttery - 18/4/2015 04:57 - United States - Waxahachie

Today, I got into an argument with my racist brother after he opened his god damn stupid mouth in front of my girlfriend. He actually tried to convince me that he's not a racist, because one of his favorite types of porn is black girls getting fucked by white guys. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32842

You deserved it

2940

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By xxlexi_lovexx - 29/3/2010 04:20 - United States

Today, I was about to have sex with my boyfriend. His best friend called and said he just beat God Of War 3 and that my boyfriend could borrow it. He got up, got dressed, ran to his car and told me I could walk home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38127

You deserved it

6798

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By GamerAM - 27/6/2019 22:23

Today, after over a week of trying to get a hold of my doctor for a much-needed medication refill, he finally called back. Too bad my phone got unplugged and died in the middle of the night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1391

You deserved it

213

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By Iarla_ceapaire93 - 16/6/2015 17:27 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I went to the gym to try to get into shape. While I was running on the treadmill, my beer belly pushed against the emergency stop button, twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28398

You deserved it

5540

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By alycion - 17/6/2019 19:07

Today, I woke up with my face flying at the wall. A muscle spasm had caused me to pop out of bed. I'm now dealing with a concussion and sprained neck, thanks to an almost physically impossible feat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1564

You deserved it

110

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By gmac0417 - 1/9/2012 06:02 - United States

Today, I found out my husband has been talking to another woman on Facebook. His only defense was "I thought I deleted the messages." FML

I agree, your life sucks

29351

You deserved it

3140

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By asdfghjkl - 19/4/2009 02:44 - United States

Today, I bought a brand new flat screen TV. When I brought it home it didn't work. Furious, I walked into Best Buy and yelled at a guy in a tucked in blue polo and khakis. I asked him why it didn't work and he said he didn't know. I kept screaming. He didn't have a nametag. He didn't work there. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14770

You deserved it

130078

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By Good 2 have friends. - 28/12/2011 18:04 - United States

Today, I had the last wedding meeting with my fiancé at our church. Running extremely late from my friends house I failed to notice a small penis drawn on my forehead by my friends when I fell asleep after a party. The priest wasn't too happy and said numerous prayers for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14143

You deserved it

26714

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2016 15:27 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, my dad wanted to show me a cool camera he saw on Amazon yesterday, so I let him use my laptop to find it. I realized too late that I'd forgotten to clear my browsing history. The suggested purchases section was filled with dildos and lube. He definitely noticed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20663

You deserved it

8820

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2018 19:00

Today, I told my parents that I am a smoker. My mother started crying, and said she worried I was gay, but this is almost as bad. That leads on to part two of my confessions... FML

I agree, your life sucks

3944

You deserved it

659

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By StudMuffinette - 18/7/2011 19:40 - United States

Today, I was at work when someone came in asking me to brush their pet shih tzu. After an hour of vigorously grooming through the multiple knots, I called the owner to collect their dog. When she got here she said, "Oh, did I say brush? I meant shave." FML

I agree, your life sucks

35134

You deserved it

2958

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By Anonymous - 5/2/2013 06:40 - United States - Northbrook

Today, after trying to convince my girlfriend to have sex for almost 16 months, she finally said yes. I couldn't get it up the second she said it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27061

You deserved it

39495

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By immunizations - 11/12/2010 07:40 - Canada

Today, while parking my car, I accidentally bumped into the car in front of me, making a small, barely noticeable dent. I felt bad, wrote an apology note, and stuck it on his windshield. An hour later, he replied by keying the entire right side of my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30584

You deserved it

10606

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Top comments

By RyanRaygun | 0

#100805 - Saturday 11 April 2009 3:38

The only reasonable explanation for this is that you are a clown and before you went to the doctor you tied your penis up to look like a poodle.

By neonoodle | 0

#100824 - Saturday 11 April 2009 3:39

get over your penis size and get out more. Your insecurity is what's holding you back.

COMMENTS

By 666midnight | 0

#100785 - Saturday 11 April 2009 3:34

lol thats bad :P

mercury23 | 7

#972290 - Thursday 1 April 2010 0:10

hooked up? it is so funny!

Asstazztic | 8

#1039608 - Tuesday 22 June 2010 21:25

I'm sure mommy and daddy saw it when u were a baby, and your doctor when u were born

zanguard | 0

#1112179 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 5:29

maybe the doctor just wasn't hot?

Midrash | 5

#3461503 - Thursday 20 October 2011 15:03

It's just a small problem. Not a big deal

boredSOLDIER | 33

#5613081 - Sunday 4 August 2013 23:26

what?

By dippindot001 | 0

#100789 - Saturday 11 April 2009 3:34

ahahahahaha 30 year old and you've never hooked up?!?!

fishsmash | 0

#1245828 - Sunday 15 August 2010 15:07

the funny part is hes from virginia xD

tomdebom | 0

#1636039 - Monday 1 November 2010 18:44

hahahhahahahah youre genious serieus

YeaWhoFMLitsme | 5

#3774043 - Friday 23 December 2011 3:56

Lol

DrBAMF69 | 0

#4602076 - Saturday 23 June 2012 3:49

Quite a chick magnet

By RyanRaygun | 0

#100805 - Saturday 11 April 2009 3:38

The only reasonable explanation for this is that you are a clown and before you went to the doctor you tied your penis up to look like a poodle.

marc24_fml | 0

#2284046 - Sunday 3 April 2011 5:05

hahaha!!!!!!

lizzzmarie | 0

#2383304 - Thursday 21 April 2011 15:12

bahahahahahhahahahahahahahhahahahhahahahaha

Snackycake | 20

#4569393 - Friday 15 June 2012 9:58

That sounds....painful.

Henge | 6

#5633772 - Monday 19 August 2013 4:49

for it to be shaped like a poodle.. it would have to be blown up... and last I checked its kinda hard to do that by yourself....

tormcn | 26

#6277979 - Thursday 30 April 2015 15:01

Unless you're Marilyn Manson. He had rib cages taken out to do so.

Hippohighasakite | 21

#6576105 - Friday 8 April 2016 2:28

he never actually had that done that was just a stupid rumor.

By ohdamn_fml | 2

#100808 - Saturday 11 April 2009 3:36

You fail, sorry.

CreeperXRemix15 | 8

#5589582 - Saturday 20 July 2013 17:11

you say that like it's his fault

acid_moose | 7

#5767980 - Monday 25 November 2013 20:55

I assume he was flaccid when she saw it. If that's the case, he might just be a grower, not a shower.

By ohhboyy | 0

#100810 - Saturday 11 April 2009 3:38

MAYBE SHE HAS A COLD!

By Jok3r_fml | 0

#100812 - Saturday 11 April 2009 3:39

rough man haha

By lilian96 | 0

#100816 - Saturday 11 April 2009 3:39

LOL
you're hilarous #5 !

By basketball03 | 0

#100818 - Saturday 11 April 2009 3:36

FYL for suuuuree

PterodactylMan | 23

#5608832 - Thursday 1 August 2013 23:37

I'm sorry man, that really sucks

By Jem0_0 | 0

#100819 - Saturday 11 April 2009 3:37

I would have passed out from embarrassment.

By neonoodle | 0

#100824 - Saturday 11 April 2009 3:39

get over your penis size and get out more. Your insecurity is what's holding you back.