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By Anonymous
Today, for the fifth time this month, I had to explain to a group of people that yes, my name really is Donald Trump. Like all the other groups, they burst out laughing and did some Trump impressions for 15 minutes. FML
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Miscellaneous

Understandable

Fake News

Seize the means

By Anonymous - United States
Today, my boyfriend was buying a new hockey stick; to test it out he started hitting a ball around the aisle and decided to shoot it back into its bin. Instead the ball hit me dead in the mouth, giving me a fat lip. Instead of consoling me, my boyfriend yelled "GOAL!" FML
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143 Comments
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By anon - United States
  Today, I learned that my girlfriend is not a screamer nor a moaner, she's a biter. My arm is getting stitches right now. FML
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By deranged - Ukraine - Pirogov
Today, my girlfriend and I went to the bank to get her new ATM card. As the bank teller gave her the card, he said that the PIN remained the same. Indignant, she cried out, "How do you possibly know my PIN code?" She's 27. FML
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3918
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3 Comments
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By changeddaily - Australia
Today, I was telling my friend how lonely I am on Skype. He responded by deleting me as a friend. FML
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By whooops - United States
Today, after having a few beers at a bar, I gave my ticket to the valet to get my car. I tipped the man $2 and he gave me a huge smile and thanked me a lot as I left. I thought the guy was just really appreciative for those $2 until I got home and saw one of the $100 bills in my wallet was gone. FML
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By icarlymom - United States
Today, my 18 year old daughter comes home telling me she has been fired from her job at McDonalds. The reason? They had ICarly happy meal toys and she couldn't resist stealing one. FML
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137 Comments
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By Anonymous - Ireland
  Today, my boyfriend and I were getting heated, and he started to go down on me. In excitement, I accidentally drove a knee into his face. No amount of fondling his diddlestick made him forgive me for his bloody nose and swollen eye. FML
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By WiredUp - 21/8/2020 13:05 - Australia - Brisbane

The struggle is real

Today, my step-kids proudly announced that their mum lets them drink coffee at her house. They both have ADD and I've been struggling for months to get them to eat right. Hello futility. FML
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1281
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By girlie5445 - United Kingdom
Today, I went on a date with a cute guy. After picking me up, he started to play on repeat, and sing to me, 'Happy Together' by The Turtles. For the entire 20 minute ride. FML
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By Anonymous - United States
  Today, I popped a boner while my braces were being tightened. FML
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By anon - United States - Georgetown
Today, my work department set a new sales record, something not done in nearly 30 years. It's corporate policy to give a bonus to each worker responsible as a reward. Our manager decided our "bonuses" would be plastic medals from Dollar Tree. He didn't even buy enough for everybody. FML
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By hatestomove - United States
Today, I fell down the stairs carrying a huge TV. Don't worry, my body cushioned the TV's fall. FML
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By mental - United States - Norfolk

Insanity

Today, I had my first appointment with my new therapist. After I told her my family history and past abusive situations, she looked at me and asked, "How are you still sane?" FML
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1745
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By hopelesss88 - Australia
Today, I had a first date planned. He texted saying he was sick and couldn't make it. Two hours later his twitter account said otherwise. FML
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By MoreActionThanMe - United States
Today, my dog did something I had no idea he could do. He participated in an all-male three-way at the dog park. In front of everyone. FML
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By Anonymous - United States
Today, in marching band, the guy in front of me backed up too far. As we turned, the back of his trombone hit mine, smashing it into my lip. I had to finish the song, sending blood down my horn. FML
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32595
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By Watchyourstep - France
Today, in front of a bunch of people on my college campus, my mom grabbed my hand and lead me across the street. I'm 20. FML
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By top dog! - Australia
Today, I was threatened with suspension from school because of my nose piercing. I had to explain that it's actually a pimple. FML
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By queenofthegypsys

Why Change a Perfectly Good System?

Today, while creeping on my boyfriend's ex-wife’s Facebook, I found out that he used to call her the same nicknames he now calls me. FML
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991
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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Manchester
Today, my son invited me to his first standup comedy gig. I accepted, only to later suffer through an hour of the worst jokes I've heard in my entire life. It was so bad, he made Dane Cook look like a comic genius, and I had to resist heckling him. Hours later, I still feel vaguely suicidal. FML
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29842
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By Pantsontheground - United States - New York

Looking like a fool...

Today, my pants kept falling down. Since I didn't have a belt on, I decided to tuck the waistband around my underwear to keep them in place. While on a date, I tried to adjust my pants, but ended up pulling them down along with my boxers. In the middle of a restaurant. FML
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By twitterfailsme - Israel - Rishon Le Zion
Today, I googled myself in preparation for my upcoming job interview. Turns out there's a girl on Twitter with my name and age who tweets nonstop about getting wasted and being on probation. She won't make her profile private. FML
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By Joel_mama - New Zealand
Today, while driving home with my parents. I pretended to be asleep so mum wouldn't talk to me. They then took this time to describe what they were going to do to each other when they got home. In full detail. FML
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48875
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By tsardaukar - United States
Today, bouncing at a local bar. I I.D.'d a girl with a group of people. I told her that next time she used a fake I.D., she at least should get one with a picture that looked like her. She started crying and ran off. A guy told me that she had been in a car wreck, and had been badly disfigured. FML
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By UnderAcheiver - United States - Cypress
Today, my new supervisor arrived after my old one had transferred away and we had a quick evaluation meeting. As it turns out, I'm not actually a good employee like I thought. I just had a shitty boss who didn't care enough to let me know I wasn't meeting company standards. FML
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13465
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1644
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By Anonymous - United States - Oakland
Today, my soon to be mother-in-law sent out the invitations she made for my wedding. On them, it says "You are invited to this 'special' event". In the same way, I'm referred to as "special", and my name is misspelled. Hint taken, you bitch. FML
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51025
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By Anonymous - United States - East Northport
  Today, I was unaware that me losing my virginity was also breakup sex. FML
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By TJ - United States - Lacey
Today, while doing my job as a cart clerk, a gentleman went around the parking lot and picked some trash up, trying to help out. Faith in humanity: +1. About an hour later I saw a woman pick a bug off of her windshield and eat it. Faith in humanity: -200. FML
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27402
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By glam300 - United Kingdom
Today, my friend commented on my short skirt and, thinking she was being funny, tried to pull it down. I quickly moved away, causing it to come off in her hands. My shocked scream attracted the attention of at least a dozen bystanders. FML
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By Anonymous
Today, my girlfriend dumped me for refusing to stop talking to my female best friend. When I pointed out that my friend's a lesbian, she said, "How the hell does that change anything?" I have no idea why I'm not happy to be rid of that paranoid imbecile. FML
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3345
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20 Comments
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By Volunteer - United States - Elwood
Today, I got fired from my volunteer job. FML
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43889
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By donny31459 - United States
Today, I got a ticket from a cop for not riding my bike in the bike lane. I wasn't riding in the bike lane because I was avoiding construction work. FML
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36982
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3943
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By Anonymous - United States - Dallas
Today, I made the decision to lighten my hair from dark brown to blonde. I thought the stylist knew what she was doing, but I ended up with my hair fried off and orange. FML
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21442
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By Anonymous - United States - Hayward
Today, the priest at my wedding farted. Everyone thought it was me. The guests, my bride, even the priest himself looked at me in disgust before continuing. FML
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29654
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1734
65 Comments
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By dontask - United States
Today, the guy I've been crushing on for years and I finally went on a date. While on the date, he threw up in my purse and stuck tampons up his nose. FML
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31734
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By keerta_fml
Today, while volunteering to feed the homeless, one of them asked me to follow him to his car where he had a knife and bottle so he could "bottle up my blood". FML
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4715
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By Anonymous - Croatia

Family values

Today, my 11-year-old cousin walked up to me as I was enjoying a glass of wine with friends at my mother's birthday party. Thinking she wouldn't like it anyway, I let her try. The little fucker drank the entire glass in one go, adding, "Usually, daddy gives me vodka." Good to know what my family is up to. FML
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13 Comments
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By Anonymous - Isle of Man
Today, I was lying on the sofa when the phone rang. I jumped up to answer in time. I knocked over my laptop, and kicked my guitar into a glass causing it to smash. It was a wrong number. FML
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By Anonymous - United States - Fairfield
Today, I came home after working on a difficult case. My husband wasn't home so I hopped into bed. My feet felt something and I reached down and picked it up out of the sheets. It was lacy black thongs. I don't own black thongs. FML
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By Anonymous - United States - Denver
Today, I got a new skin cream for my acne. I tested it on a small patch of skin just to make sure I wasn't allergic. I was, and the reaction didn't stay on that small patch of skin. My left arm is now almost entirely covered in a horrible rash. FML
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  Spicy
  Today, I found out the hard way that my sister has an OnlyFans. Not judging sex workers, I just really wish I’d know she goes by a stage name before I...
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  Today, I found out my husband was cheating on me while I was waiting in an ICU waiting room while he was getting brain surgery. FML
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