Today, for the 5th day in a row, I had to keep my 7-year-old home from school and search his poop because he "forgot" he's not supposed to swallow things like, in this case, a screw that fell off his scooter. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my 5 year old-son and I went out for a walk. As I was looking in a shop's window display, I turned around to see my son pooping into an open manhole on the street. FML
Today, I got a call from my five-year-old son's principal. My son had pooped in the schoolyard, then gave the teacher a Ziploc bag, and commanded her to pick it up. He said he was trying to imitate our dog. FML
Today, my 6-year-old son pooped in the back yard and used a stick to throw it over the fence into my neighbor's yard. FML
Today, my 5 year old swallowed her loose tooth, which she was going put under her pillow for the toothfairy. My wife then told her 'what goes in must come out'. And now everytime she does number 2, she makes me dig for her lost tooth. FML
Today, I had to clean up after the kid who discovered he could finger paint with his poo. FML
Today, I came home from a relaxing, peaceful vacation. When I got home my 4-year-old son was free-balling with poop all over his body, screaming "Bob the Builder will kick your ass." The baby sitter is nowhere to be found and I can't get him to stop saying, "I love ass." FML
Today, I caught my 4 year old son yet again trying to drink out of the toilet. FML
Today, one of the kids at the daycare center I work at was so excited at the fact that his constipation was over, he felt the need to bring me his fecal matter, in his hands, to show me. Guess who had to clean up the aftermath. FML
Today, my 3-year-old son put into practice the lesson I taught him yesterday, about how to use a larger piece of Play-Doh to pick up smaller bits. Unfortunately, he used this method to pick up a small bit of poo from his pants with a larger bit of poo direct from the toilet. I was an hour late for work. FML
Today, I was called by my son's school to pick him up. Apparently, he snorted baking soda, crushed aspirin, and flour because he thought it was coke. Where did I go wrong raising this twerp? FML
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Top comments
YaboyVinnie 21
So your kid swallows while your wife doesn't?
MaskingTape 2
What else was he supposed to do with a delicious screw if not eat it?
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Comments (192)
lksdliz 9
Gotta love kids! My oldest used to SMELL everything. It got wierd when we were out in public. No worries though, soon he'll out grow forgetting he's not supposed to swallow things and grow into forgetting to call you when he's out at night.
Daralea 21
:S as each day passes I feel more and more dread about becoming a mother. I need a comprehensive list of the different stages of idiocy.
yankfan89 27
If he can eat screws he can go to school. You are getting played.
captainfalcon7 0
that's one way to get out of school..
ScuseMePrincess 2
Maybe your kid is such a dumbshit because you're keeping him out of school so much.
DocBastard 40
I laughed. Well, maybe not laughed, but I definitely had to suppress a snort.
junkboy 4
56 - I love you.
Andr913 13
I'll use that.
Ironripster 0
use one of those extention magnets and extract it
jadejazmyn 5
whoop his wittle butt . I promise he won't swallow nothing. then ask if he's being bullied or hates school
ThanksKarma 0
Wow! Uh...since op's kid isn't at school you should take his seat in class. Most likely the kid is just being lazy.
ManicGypsy 22
I think that he's doing it just to get out of school. You should make him go to school anyway.
baconboy_42 8
He's milking it.
OfficeNinja 5
sounds like you need a metal detector.