Today, for the 5th day in a row, I had to keep my 7-year-old home from school and search his poop because he "forgot" he's not supposed to swallow things like, in this case, a screw that fell off his scooter. FML
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Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, my 5 year old-son and I went out for a walk. As I was looking in a shop's window display, I turned around to see my son pooping into an open manhole on the street. FML
Today, I got a call from my five-year-old son's principal. My son had pooped in the schoolyard, then gave the teacher a Ziploc bag, and commanded her to pick it up. He said he was trying to imitate our dog. FML
Today, my 6-year-old son pooped in the back yard and used a stick to throw it over the fence into my neighbor's yard. FML
Today, my 5 year old swallowed her loose tooth, which she was going put under her pillow for the toothfairy. My wife then told her 'what goes in must come out'. And now everytime she does number 2, she makes me dig for her lost tooth. FML
Today, I had to clean up after the kid who discovered he could finger paint with his poo. FML
Today, I came home from a relaxing, peaceful vacation. When I got home my 4-year-old son was free-balling with poop all over his body, screaming "Bob the Builder will kick your ass." The baby sitter is nowhere to be found and I can't get him to stop saying, "I love ass." FML
Today, I caught my 4 year old son yet again trying to drink out of the toilet. FML
Today, one of the kids at the daycare center I work at was so excited at the fact that his constipation was over, he felt the need to bring me his fecal matter, in his hands, to show me. Guess who had to clean up the aftermath. FML
Today, my 3-year-old son put into practice the lesson I taught him yesterday, about how to use a larger piece of Play-Doh to pick up smaller bits. Unfortunately, he used this method to pick up a small bit of poo from his pants with a larger bit of poo direct from the toilet. I was an hour late for work. FML
Today, I was called by my son's school to pick him up. Apparently, he snorted baking soda, crushed aspirin, and flour because he thought it was coke. Where did I go wrong raising this twerp? FML
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Top comments
YaboyVinnie 21
So your kid swallows while your wife doesn't?
MaskingTape 2
What else was he supposed to do with a delicious screw if not eat it?
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Comments (192)
thatoneshadykid 2
What, are you afraid the screw that probably shredded your kid's bowels will scratch the toilet's porcelain?
Prolusive 5
That kid must have a screw loose or something...
ErraticBehavior 0
Forget the screw. Let his dumbass ride a busted scooter. He'll learn not to swallow things when he cracks his face open. Then while at the ER, have the doc fish out the screw.
Angelrose2004 17
How do you know he actually swallowed it? You could be getting screwed yourself... Just sayin.
Daralea 21
Agree with you, Joceannora. Send your kid to school! If there is internal damage, you will hear about it. Staying at home and sifting through poop isn't going to change that.
Anglwrfish 17
OMG, genius. He never has to go to school :D
painkiller3666 4
Your genetics clearly.
crashley21 10
You should actually be potentially worried. I saw a show on TV about a boy who was iron deficient and swallowed metal things. No one knew he was deficient, they thought he was mentally challenged or something. He didn't know why he had this urge to swallow these things. It was his body pushing for iron.
MarcLH 2
Two words: Natural selection.
LilaBear 2
Chances are he's realised that when he eats weird things, mum/dad keeps him home from school. Just send him to school. It'll go through his system.