Work: Today, I was complimented on my improved performance over the... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 90

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 458

You deserved it 121

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 188

You deserved it 1 603

25/06/2015 07:06

Today, I was complimented on my improved performance over the last 3 months. My boss said he doesn't know what I've done to improve, but to keep it up. I'd only started looking for another job, and stopped giving a shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 168

You deserved it 2 363

Batman

Leave us alone

Mondegreens

06/05/2017 20:00

Today, a storm dropped a tree across my road. I would have moved it with my tractor, but there was a tree on that too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 529

You deserved it 328

23/05/2012 18:47

Today, I was discharged from the hospital after having scrotal surgery. When I got home, the anesthetic had worn off, but I felt okay. Then my dog jumped up at me, paws slamming straight into my nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 590

You deserved it 2 489

11/07/2011 19:09

Today, I received a $50 iTunes card for my birthday. I immediately sat down at my computer and starting buying all my newest favorites. Then I realized I never redeemed my card so the $50 was all charged to my account. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 876

You deserved it 52 452

14/05/2013 11:32

Today, I was dancing in the passenger seat of my car with my family when a cop pulled us over. He thought I was trying to flag him down for help. I guess I'm not as good of a dancer as I thought. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 437

You deserved it 13 473

12/11/2011 09:27

Today, at work, I got chilli powder in my eye. Now not only do I have a swollen, blistered eye, but I am covered in milk as my boss assured me that would help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 022

You deserved it 2 802

24/12/2010 15:12

Today, I met up with an old high school friend who I used to make fun of because he put so much effort into his studies. Turns out he makes my annual salary in a month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 094

You deserved it 97 286

16/06/2009 04:39

Today, I received the box my parents sent me for my birthday. Contents were a travel first-aid kit, and a remote control robot toy, with an age recommendation on the box of 8. I'm 29. They thought that since I'm an engineer I would like the toy. They also think I'll hurt myself with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 972

You deserved it 3 807

09/09/2019 22:00

Today, I ran over my third skunk in over 16 days. I should probably return my driver's license to the DMV. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 186

You deserved it 428

03/04/2012 15:10

Today, I met separately with the President and Chairman of the company regarding a product that I'm designing. Each ordered me to do the opposite of whatever the other instructed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 114

You deserved it 2 377

15/05/2019 14:08

Today, my landlord, due to a past of being an asshole and now enhanced with dementia, suddenly jumped down my throat for parking incorrectly in the driveway, because there's no room for their two cars. He hasn't had two cars in a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 647

You deserved it 139

Pokémon Gone

By pogo Nono - 04/06/2021 11:01

Today, I found a guy I play Pokémon Go with on Facebook. We decided to meet up at a popular hunting spot so we could organize a trade. His wife showed up out of nowhere, causing a huge scene and threatening to kick my ass. I had my husband and kids with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 022

You deserved it 142

20/09/2010 14:33

Today, I got fired from my recently acquired job at a doctor's office because I don't "agree with family values". The way I'm disrespecting their "family values"? I'm gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 237

You deserved it 22 462

11/09/2013 21:35

Today, I officially became a divorced marriage counselor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 522

You deserved it 7 956

Mixed signals

By Anonymous - 13/07/2020 20:02

Spicy

Today, I had the girl of my dreams in my bed. She was laughing and smiling, kissing and talking. It was great. Then suddenly she said, "I want to go home; is that rude?" Then she left. I called, but now I'm blocked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 130

You deserved it 248

10/05/2012 03:34

Today, I realized I was getting a bit chubbier than usual. I decided to go for a little jog to stay in shape. Little did I know, my neighbors that just moved in brought along with them, a fully grown German Shepherd. Not tamed. My "jog" quickly turned into a "sprint for my life". FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 977

You deserved it 3 016

09/04/2012 12:23

Today, my mom was in the kitchen when her shirt caught on fire. Acting quickly, I poured my glass of water on her. Instead of thanking me, she yelled at me for making a mess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 205

You deserved it 2 356

10/12/2011 02:55

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me for a familiar reason; I apparently have night terrors that make me "Impossible to sleep in the same room with." I don't ever remember these dreams. Every other girlfriend I've had has ended up breaking things off with me for the same reason. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 362

You deserved it 4 432

22/10/2012 15:39

Today, I showed my friends the picture I drew picturing the four of us in a 'zombie apocalypse' setting. Turns out they never saw me as their friend, and I'm creeping them out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 655

You deserved it 8 481

Congratulations!

By Anonymous - 01/02/2021 21:28

Today, I received the most comments and likes on a Facebook post for years. What exciting thing had happened in my life? Well, I bought a glow-in-the-dark plant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 582

You deserved it 130

Thanks, government

By Anonymous - 21/11/2020 16:58

Today, I'm at North Fort Hood deploying with the Army Reserves, where the motto is, "You'll prefer to be in Iraq." We're in COVID quarantine with over 100 people in our barracks. We may never get out of here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 825

You deserved it 119

11/04/2014 14:51

Today, I went to a veterans' reunion party with my grandpa. While there, a guy started yelling at me for having an unapproved haircut. It was my grandpa's old drill sergeant, and he thought I was in the army too. Everyone just smirked as he forced me to drop and do push-ups. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 381

You deserved it 5 846

Denied!

By Anonymous - 17/04/2009 17:07

Today, I swam in a race against all of the girls in the midwest in the hardest, longest, most grueling race you can swim. I won. Happy but so tired I could barely move, I looked up to see my time. I had been disqualified. For flinching. Before the race started. FML

I agree, your life sucks 84 743

You deserved it 6 644

10/06/2009 08:13

Today, I failed a basic intelligence test when the mouse trap I was setting up snapped on my thumb. Later, when I checked the trap I saw that the mouse had managed to lick all the bait off the trap without being caught, I have a sore thumb and was outsmarted by a rodent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 229

You deserved it 14 117

12/09/2009 17:06

Today, I updated an e-mail I've saved to drafts and have been updating every day for the last few months to a girl I really adore. In this letter, I told her everything I ever kept from her. Instead of saving it to drafts again, I accidentally sent it. And she's online. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 591

You deserved it 51 241

06/04/2012 03:02

Today, I was taking a really big test in a class that I was failing. It was worth at least 7 grades so I studied my butt off. During the test, a girl with huge breasts sat down next to me and I couldn't stop staring. My test got confiscated because they thought I was cheating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 458

You deserved it 58 828

16/02/2015 16:39

Spicy

Today, while talking with my ex, I mentioned I was depressed about turning 40. He said he'd been depressed about turning 40 as well, until he started screwing hot 20-somethings. We were still together when he turned 40. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 971

You deserved it 4 418

14/11/2009 12:35

Today, my Dad decided to take his medicine before eating. He passed out with his face in a plate of chocolate cake. He wasn't responsive so I called the paramedics. When he got to the hospital, the doctor asked him if he knew why he was there. He replied, "Because my stupid daughter over reacted." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 311

You deserved it 3 542

05/02/2019 00:00

Today, my dad and I had to move in with my mom. There's only two tiny rooms, and my aunt lives there along with her dogs and my cat. The dogs have tried to kill my cat, I have to share the bed with my mom, who snores BAD, and I haven't slept in two days. I work early all week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 237

You deserved it 280

01/10/2010 11:48

Today, as I was leaving the office, I heard my very cute coworker behind me say "Hey gorgeous, where are you off to?" I turned around with a smile and said "About to hit up happy hour." He was on the phone with his wife. I'm calling in sick tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 392

You deserved it 12 156

03/04/2017 20:00

Today, I had my first steamy wet dream. It contained the Power Rangers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 069

You deserved it 1 057

15/09/2012 00:03

Today, after math class, the resident creepy kid approached me and asked me out. I've only spoken to him twice before, so I was creeped out, and I politely declined. He totally lost it, and shouted that I'm a "friend-zoning bitch" before storming out of the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 567

You deserved it 3 695

07/07/2011 22:52

Today, a business man in his forties tackled me to the ground in an attempt to take my seat on a crowded train. When that didn't work, he called me a fat bitch and gave me the finger. The seat was given up for me because I'm seven months pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 156

You deserved it 3 568

19/02/2017 10:00

Today, while I was giving a school presentation about life as an injured, deformed soldier, someone asked if the reason I wear an eyepatch is because I'm a pirate. I wouldn't have minded, had I not been presenting to high-school students. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 772

You deserved it 404

25/03/2011 19:25

Today, to celebrate my older sister's 21st birthday, my parents forced me to take the night off work so we could all go to the casino. Not only is this coming out of my vacation, I wasn't old enough to enter the casino, so I had to sit in the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 550

You deserved it 4 409

27/04/2009 12:54

Today, in a big argument, my sister uninvited my mom to her wedding. Trying to comfort my mom, I rented Mamma Mia knowing she's wanted to see it for a while. Turns out, Mamma Mia is a mother/daughter feel-good about the daughters wedding. I had no idea, and my mom cried the whole movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 327

You deserved it 71 325

23/01/2012 14:19

Today, school tuition has taken up so much of my paycheck that the only thing I had to eat for dinner was applesauce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 675

You deserved it 3 193

Got it

By Anonymous - 24/04/2021 23:00

Today, my ex asked me if I would reconsider a future with him. I said, “Only if we can learn to communicate effectively." He said, “Good talk, this time you actually got through to me.” Then he ceased all communication. FML

I agree, your life sucks 791

You deserved it 122

Get vaccinated, you doofuses

By Anonymous - 28/09/2021 08:00

Today, my boyfriend came into town for the weekend. A proof of vaccination card to enter non-essential businesses also started. My dear boyfriend refuses to sign up for the card. Guess our nights out will be grocery shopping and him waiting outside while I shop anywhere else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 803

You deserved it 292

27/02/2015 05:28

Spicy

Today, as I was about to have sex with my husband, I said I wanted to "spice things up." Apparently, our ideas weren't the same. He yanked my nipples as hard as he could and said, "Yeah, you like that?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 262

You deserved it 6 827

12/01/2015 05:03

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Her reason? Not enough guys have been liking her photos on Instagram since we started dating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 569

You deserved it 3 307

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Thursday 25 June 2015 15:27

Guess you found the secret to success at your job then!

Miss_Chevious 37

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Thursday 25 June 2015 15:39

at least your boss appreciates you now

Comments

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Thursday 25 June 2015 15:27

when you need something really bad vs. when you don't need it & it finds you. I can relate

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Thursday 25 June 2015 18:30

Yeah I mean sometimes trying super hard at something (assuming you did) can make you rlly tense and more susceptible to mistakes but if u don't care about making mistakes anymore you are less likely to make one most of the time

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Thursday 25 June 2015 15:27

Guess you found the secret to success at your job then!

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Thursday 25 June 2015 17:30

Maybe OP was trying too hard and being more relaxed caused him or her to do better work.

johnfulcher90 12

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Thursday 25 June 2015 15:28

lmao I think everyone is better at everything when they stop giving a shit

Tournesol143 28

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Thursday 25 June 2015 15:28

Peter Gibbons, is that you?

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Thursday 25 June 2015 15:57

I gotta watch Office Space when I get home now.

venomousflower 24

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Thursday 25 June 2015 15:29

It's funny how when you stop caring you do better then before. Good luck finding a new job because apparently your boss think what you do for the job wasn't good enough until you did nothing

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Thursday 25 June 2015 15:29

maybe you just took it too seriously before, laid back, noncommittal works better. keep it up!

Miss_Chevious 37

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Thursday 25 June 2015 15:39

at least your boss appreciates you now

Redmai 22

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Thursday 25 June 2015 15:41

Keep it up?

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Thursday 25 June 2015 15:43

Nice mantra!

Puffytruffles 18

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Thursday 25 June 2015 15:44

I aspire to be you.