Love: Today, an old friend and I reconnected. Everything was going...

By kerripjones - United States - Newark

Today, an old friend and I reconnected. Everything was going fine until he threatened to visit me at work. I didn't know he knew my place of employment, so I replied, "Do you know where I live too?" He answered, "Would you hate me if I did?" FML

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Love

Walk on the wild side

And today, on Dr Phil…

Broke

By masterdisaster - United States

Today, one of our regular customers came in and was telling me he bought an assault rifle. I told him not to go off his meds and shoot up the store, as a joke. Later, my manager told me that the guy is on antidepressants and was discharged from the military for being "mentally unfit." FML

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By lbailey32 - United States - Seneca Falls

Today, my boyfriend decided the best way to inform me of his shoplifting tendencies was to steal stuff while we were at Starbucks. FML

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By barfyshirt - United States

Today, I got really sick at my boyfriend's house, and barely made it to the toilet in time to throw up. it got on my shirt so I asked if I could borrow one of his. He said I could wear one of his dad's shirts because he didn't want his to get too stretched out. FML

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By roadkill - United States

Today, an old lady hit me with her car. After which she says, "Oh! Not Again!" FML

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By alephnull - Canada

Today, I drove a friend to the emergency room because he thought he had appendicitis. While sitting in the waiting room, I got puked on by a child. My friend's diagnosis? Gas. So he also farted all the way home. FML

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By speed-dialing dr kevorkian - United States - Two Rivers

Today, my mom came home heavily drunk. As I was taking care of her, she told me all about how I was a mistake. That didn't hurt nearly as much as when she told me she wishes I'd died during her pregnancy. FML

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By emkatch - Canada

Today, I came home about two hours early from a friend's party. After I walked in and upstairs, I quickly and quietly left and went back to the party. I guess my parents decided to have a little party as well. It's called a threesome with my neighbor. They still don't know that I know. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend emailed me this morning to let me know that he had forwarded the joke that I had sent to him to all of his workmates and friends. He was quickly given the heads-up by one of his friends that all of our intimate emails from the day were also included. I'm dating a dumbass. FML

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By Joey Soprano - 18/8/2020 02:06

Bad boys, bad boys…

Today, I went to the DMV today and sat in line for over 6 hours to renew my driver's license. Even though with the pandemic, it's been extended to New Year's Eve but I decided to get it done and over with. I get called up to finish everything, only to find out my license is suspended. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my mom told me I couldn't be best man at my best friend's wedding. I'm 25. FML

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By ang3l4 - United States - Redding

Today, I discovered that my state is passing a bill regulating cow "emissions". Basically, we need to regulate cow farts. I live in a farming town. FML

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By dumbAssCollegeStudent - United States - Milwaukee

Today, I finally did my laundry after a good few weeks, only to think another washer was a dryer. I just ran my clothes through the wash 3 times, because I was confused as to why they weren't drying. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after lunch with my frail, disabled, 87-year-old father, I reached into my purse for lipstick. I didn't recognize the cute cylinder I pulled out, but thinking it was a flashlight, I pressed the little button, spraying my dad and myself in the face with pepper spray. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, I chatted to a nice guy and gave him my number. I told him I was going to sleep because I had a headache, and then put my phone on silent. He rang multiple times, and when I obviously didn't pick up, he sent several texts insulting me and calling me gutless for not responding. FML

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By patch91

Today, I got in a car accident on the way to work. I received an abusive phone call from my boss saying he shouldn't have to cover my lazy ass. I was driving to cover his shift because he was too drunk to show up to work. FML

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By imarriedanaxemurderer - United States - Joliet

Today, my husband was in our newborn's room, holding and talking to him. I guess he forgot the baby monitor, because I overheard him say, "Wanna know a secret? Daddy kills people." I really hope he was just quoting Dexter. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving and a cute guy was staring at me. Flattered, I smiled at him, but he didn't even react. I realized he wasn't admiring me he was admiring my truck. This is the 5th time this week. My truck gets more game than I do. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My dad was supposed to take me to get a tattoo, but instead he went to the bar, got drunk, and told me how I was the biggest mistake he and my mom have ever made. FML

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By strandedguest - United States

Today, while my friend and I signed the guest-book at a wedding, the drunk guy at our table stole my friend's painkillers and car keys before getting into a cab. Didn't need the painkillers, definitely needed the keys. FML

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By afraidtosleep - United States - Houston

Today, as I was rushing to get out for work, I opened my door just in time to witness a large snake slither into my home. I had no choice but to lock it inside and go to work. I've now spent several hours searching for it with my friends, and we can't find it. I'm scared to go to sleep. FML

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By whatislife1969

Today, my work had an employee party at the park and I drank a little too much vodka. Towards the end of the party, I found myself making out with a tree in front of all my co-workers. FML

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By radiantum13

Today, I got yelled at by my supervisor for getting an hour of overtime yesterday. The reason I had an hour of overtime was because that same supervisor made me stay late. FML

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By CassieMarieee - United States

Today, I had to jump into my car while it was still moving. Apparently, just because you put it in park and turn it off, doesn't mean it won't take off towards a ditch without warning. FML

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By vansboy

Today, my family had a secret meeting on my "puberty issues." I'm 21. FML

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By Debbie - United States

Today, I drove to a job interview. I had to sneeze, but because I was driving on the highway, I didn't let go of the wheel to cover my mouth. I didn't know the sneeze was a "productive" one until I was sitting in the interview, looked down at my new blouse and saw the giant lugie sitting there. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was doing the reverse cowgirl with my boyfriend. I was on the way to a glorious finish when he pointed out that I had a pimple on my butt. He began to laugh so hard that he went soft. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2021 20:01

Long road ahead

Today, I came out to one of my best friends as non-binary, and told him (with their permission) that some of our friends were trans. He told us that we were all idiots and refuses to accept us. We've known him since 3rd grade. FML

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By Boredom - United States

Today, I tried to suck my own penis. Autofellatio. My mother walked in on me and I flipped backwards off the bed. ER and 10 stiches above my eyebrow later, I asked her not to ever bring it up again. FML

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By str3tch - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time over dinner. In order to make a good impression I was as polite as possible and tried to be as engaging as I could. Near the end of dinner my girlfriend's mom says, "I liked your old boyfriend better." FML

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By dzisfml - Canada

Today, my friends thought it would be funny to rub Tabasco sauce on my household toilet paper. FML

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By razzmataz - United States

Today, I was discussing my family heritage with my girlfriend's parents. The moment I told them that I came from a German background, her seven-year-old brother pointed at me and yelled, "HITLER!" FML

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By Immafail

Today, my mother decided to "help me" by throwing out the stack of papers on my desk. Unfortunately, those were all my notes for my final exams. FML

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By Hufflepuff girl

Today, my boyfriend sent me a text saying that last night was awesome. When I said, "What do you mean?" he answered, "Come on Jess, I bet you can't stand straight." My name is Britney, but my friend's name is Jessica. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Calgary

Today, after spending a lot of money on photo shoots to build up my portfolio, I finally got an offer from a modelling agency. I ran outside to tell my parents, only for my brother to hurl an iced snowball straight into my face. I now have a huge gash over my cheek and nose. FML

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By Forge - United States - Taylor

Today, I went to my grandma's yard sale, only to find my baby pictures being sold for 25 cents each. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Bloomfield

Good boy

Today, I was riding my bike, when I saw a large dog sitting in front of a house. I started to really crank the pedals, figuring that by the time it saw me, I'd be long gone. My chain popped off, I lost control and crashed onto the side of the road. The dog hadn't moved. It was a statue. FML

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By roidrager - United States - Clearwater

Today, the steroids I was prescribed for a slightly irritating sinus infection have worked, albeit at the price of making me almost shit my pants multiple times. My sinuses are now clear enough that I get the full scent of my steroid-induced diarrhea. FML

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By fuck you, jack - United States - Peabody

Today, I got home late from work, so I decided to make myself a microwave meal. I pierced the plastic film several times. A little too loudly for my hateful bastard of a neighbor, I guess, because he called the cops on me, claiming he heard gunshots from my apartment. FML

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By xBubbles38 - United States

Today, I woke up to a scream downstairs. My 13 year-old daughter was trying to bite her little brother's neck. No matter how hard I try, she will not believe that she is NOT and NEVER WILL BE a vampire. FML

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By CorpDrone - United States

Today, I came in to work and found the conference room white boards completely clean. My assistant wiped all the white boards where I spent 10 hours writing schedule for the next three months. I was going to meet with all supervisors to finalize that schedule today. FML

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Top comments

By js_0508 | 9

#6351172 - Wednesday 15 July 2015 10:06

I hope he was joking but i'd keep my distance from him just to be safe. Goodluck!

By bulletsinthewind | 21

#6351175 - Wednesday 15 July 2015 10:07

Wow, that must feel a bit creepy. Perhaps he's been stalking you. I would say you should run like hell, and run far

COMMENTS

By sleepyfires | 20

#6351168 - Wednesday 15 July 2015 10:04

Yes.

Nilorak | 24

#6351189 - Wednesday 15 July 2015 10:16

No.

creatureman | 14

#6351208 - Wednesday 15 July 2015 10:39

Maybe

91hayek | 31

#6351215 - Wednesday 15 July 2015 11:03

I don't know.

Lorenzo1102 | 21

#6351232 - Wednesday 15 July 2015 11:30

Can you repeat the question

nonsensical | 26

#6351240 - Wednesday 15 July 2015 11:51

No, this is Patrick

dabaerju | 23

#6351394 - Wednesday 15 July 2015 16:22

You're not the boss of me now~

pedopears | 18

#6351537 - Wednesday 15 July 2015 20:04

Amazing Malcolm in the Middle reference.. :D

thatguynamedsky | 32

#6352703 - Friday 17 July 2015 6:31

why was 27 downvoted that was the best

By js_0508 | 9

#6351172 - Wednesday 15 July 2015 10:06

I hope he was joking but i'd keep my distance from him just to be safe. Goodluck!

Rectov | 10

#6376378 - Sunday 9 August 2015 22:39

Can't keep your distance if he knows where you live

By khoov19 | 20

#6351173 - Wednesday 15 July 2015 10:07

"Run Forest Run"

pokemyeyes | 23

#6351492 - Wednesday 15 July 2015 18:50

Forrest*

By HerMischief | 21

#6351174 - Wednesday 15 July 2015 10:07

Now you have to check under your bed every night before you sleep!

By bulletsinthewind | 21

#6351175 - Wednesday 15 July 2015 10:07

Wow, that must feel a bit creepy. Perhaps he's been stalking you. I would say you should run like hell, and run far

sonasonic | 34

#6351904 - Thursday 16 July 2015 4:58

Why should she run when she can get a restraining order? Pretty easy to get one nowadays.

By jake131000 | 21

#6351177 - Wednesday 15 July 2015 10:08

watch your step

By echarlotte | 19

#6351182 - Wednesday 15 July 2015 10:11

Time for a restraining order

TheDog6 | 24

#6351259 - Wednesday 15 July 2015 12:35

You should have responded with "Would you hate me if I called the cops"

For the mean time though, maybe stay with a friend or family member just for safety in numbers.

Badkarma4u | 17

#6351544 - Wednesday 15 July 2015 20:14

I don't know why, when I reconnect with an old school friend. It usually goes like this. "What ever happened to Cathy?" "Oh she got her art degree and is working at XYZ design firm." "Oh wow, so shes a big city girl now", "Nah she still lives over on elm, you know where the Millers used to live?" "Oh yeah, man, its been so long I'd like to catch up with her. Do you have her number?" "Sure". No need to be creeped out. There is also nothing wrong with knocking on an old friends door. Thats what doorbells are foor.