Preferably Russian.

Isn't War and Peace an extremely long book? If OP could memorize it, he would deserve sex solely based on the effort that would require.

At about 587K words, it's listed as one of the ten longest novels in history. For a bit of perspective, that's all three Lord of the Rings plus the Hobbit and then some.

You learn something new everyday

Like on thanksgiving we all learned how much food we can shove down our face before we hate ourselves, and if you don't (excluding people from countries that do not celebrate thanksgiving), you weren't doing thanksgiving right!

1- Boom. Pregnant?? Why pregnant? Sounds like OP just wants to get laid.

Mmmm.. Russian accents ..

“In order to understand, observe, deduce, man must first be conscious of himself as alive.” -Leo Tolstoy

80 - If you are having trouble deciding whether or not you are alive, I would have to agree with the quote, and put off trying to seduce anybody.

Maybe she likes violence. If you know what I mean.

Well, it is long and hard.

71-because it was a joke and it was quick, rolls off the tongue, and is just funnier than saying BOOM! Had sex with a person.

104- stop following me around FML. I know what a joke is.

13 - My name is Natalie and I speak in two fluent languages

110- I'm not following you, you just make shitty comments and leave them everywhere I go. Your comments piss me off in a way nobody else's do, and I'm not the only one

118- cry more please.

Lol. I agree.

The Lord of the Rings books were all written in one mega book it was supposed to be the first modern English epic. So to classify them as a series is okay but not correct.

My name is bob and I have been off meth for 10 minutes...

It is listed as the 20th longest novel in the world.

Epic. Freaking. Win!!!

*3 is thumbed down by non-russian citizens around the globe*

Their accents and women are sexy. We all know most Russian dudes got epically ****** in the aesthetics department. No win here.

Exactly. Take Viktor the soviet news reader. Hes a "very unattractive man".

Hey!! Nothin wrong with Russians...my family are not model looking, but they are not ugly

Your pretty ugly if you ask me

94- then I shall put more emphasis on the word 'most' sir. Most people are biased when it comes to their family, so I'm going on your picture since I already said 'most'. I can't really argue against my first statement. My family doesn't breed bad-looking people either, however there are only a handful I would brag about.

True, there are a lot of ugly russians but some russian males are pretty good looking, no ****

It's ignorant to call most of the male population of a country that spans two continents "lacking" in any department. I was trying to draw and analogy, but I can't think of one without sounding like a racist asshole.

There was bound to be joke about 50 Shades Of Grey. But all the puns about that are going to gag me if they don't stop.

That's what I was thinking... probably a book hidden behind that book.

5- I think your pun skills need to be whipped into shape, as that one was sub-par.

I think your wife got confused. It's bury your nose in your book . . . .

Well, a strapping young lad like the OP deserves more than that.

17- Right. I didn't even realize that was meant to be a pun. That's how bad it was..

Did you realize that 17 slapped down a slightly better pun, stalkerchick?

11 - inception?

... and if none of that works **********

Yeah, FINGER through some catalogs...

...yeah I got the pun, but the op is male

I see what you did there

I dunno about you, but **** makes my problem worse. Seriously I'm already missing out on sex, so now I have to watch someone else? Ugh **** that lol

It's a joke ;) to get back at his wife. Not really like solve ur problem of not getting sex.

Actually she did want sex, that's why she's fingering herself. Apparently she just doesn't want it with OP.

**** only helps for so long. Not sure about most women, but I'd rather hop on my guy than a **** site.

Omfg I give up I'm not saying **** solves everything....it's a joke I'm not saying it literal

Whoa, whoa, slow down blondie! Someone is jumpin' to conclusions. Don't you have some beers to serve?

That's a pretty large leap in logic to make there from a handful of words. For all you know dude could be built like a marathon runner.

10-That is a very superficial and shallow comment young lady. First of all we have no idea what OP's actual weight is.. And even if we did why would that matter? Secondly, OP is talking about his wife.. So obviously she loves him or she wouldn't have married him. Most importantly though, I want you to know that real love goes deeper than appearances.

Youre an idiot

50% marriages fail. Not sure what you are talking about.

Jeesh y'all be looking at the glass half empty! Life is gonna suck with that attitude

LOL at #10. The rest of you should stop getting your panties in a bunch.

wow ok even if op were fat, that would be ****** up. but fact of the matter is that we have no clue what op looks like and never will.

10- you sound like a ****. Regardless, there is obviously an issue with the marriage if OP's wife would rather do it herself. Maybe OP is just bad in the sack. That could have easily led to this situation.

except if she asks him to sift through war and peace for those chapters that get her all hot and bothered.

Or at least ********** together!

I agree it's likely that he does something wrong, but not necessarily. Maybe she wasn't in the mood for intimacy, but still wanted some stress relieving comfort. Masturbation isn't just a poor substitution for sex.