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Easy fix. Memorize it and recite it for her. Boom! Pregnant. Bonus points if you do it in another language!

Are you sure it wasn't a copy of 50 Shades of Grey with the cover of War and Peace on it?

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Easy fix. Memorize it and recite it for her. Boom! Pregnant. Bonus points if you do it in another language!

Preferably Russian.

Isn't War and Peace an extremely long book? If OP could memorize it, he would deserve sex solely based on the effort that would require.

At about 587K words, it's listed as one of the ten longest novels in history. For a bit of perspective, that's all three Lord of the Rings plus the Hobbit and then some.

You learn something new everyday

Like on thanksgiving we all learned how much food we can shove down our face before we hate ourselves, and if you don't (excluding people from countries that do not celebrate thanksgiving), you weren't doing thanksgiving right!

1- Boom. Pregnant?? Why pregnant? Sounds like OP just wants to get laid.

Mmmm.. Russian accents ..

“In order to understand, observe, deduce, man must first be conscious of himself as alive.” -Leo Tolstoy

80 - If you are having trouble deciding whether or not you are alive, I would have to agree with the quote, and put off trying to seduce anybody.

Maybe she likes violence. If you know what I mean.

Well, it is long and hard.

71-because it was a joke and it was quick, rolls off the tongue, and is just funnier than saying BOOM! Had sex with a person.

104- stop following me around FML. I know what a joke is.

13 - My name is Natalie and I speak in two fluent languages

110- I'm not following you, you just make shitty comments and leave them everywhere I go. Your comments piss me off in a way nobody else's do, and I'm not the only one

118- cry more please.

Lol. I agree.

The Lord of the Rings books were all written in one mega book it was supposed to be the first modern English epic. So to classify them as a series is okay but not correct.

My name is bob and I have been off meth for 10 minutes...

It is listed as the 20th longest novel in the world.

There's a battle going on down there and apparently your ammunition isn't good enough... Sorry OP

Epic. Freaking. Win!!!

Russians are sexy. Maybe you should try some role-play?

*3 is thumbed down by non-russian citizens around the globe*

Their accents and women are sexy. We all know most Russian dudes got epically fucked in the aesthetics department. No win here.

Exactly. Take Viktor the soviet news reader. Hes a "very unattractive man".

Hey!! Nothin wrong with Russians...my family are not model looking, but they are not ugly

Your pretty ugly if you ask me

94- then I shall put more emphasis on the word 'most' sir. Most people are biased when it comes to their family, so I'm going on your picture since I already said 'most'. I can't really argue against my first statement. My family doesn't breed bad-looking people either, however there are only a handful I would brag about.

True, there are a lot of ugly russians but some russian males are pretty good looking, no homo

It's ignorant to call most of the male population of a country that spans two continents "lacking" in any department. I was trying to draw and analogy, but I can't think of one without sounding like a racist asshole.

Are you sure it wasn't a copy of 50 Shades of Grey with the cover of War and Peace on it?

There was bound to be joke about 50 Shades Of Grey. But all the puns about that are going to gag me if they don't stop.

That's what I was thinking... probably a book hidden behind that book.

5- I think your pun skills need to be whipped into shape, as that one was sub-par.

I think your wife got confused. It's bury your nose in your book . . . .

Well, a strapping young lad like the OP deserves more than that.

17- Right. I didn't even realize that was meant to be a pun. That's how bad it was..

Did you realize that 17 slapped down a slightly better pun, stalkerchick?

11 - inception?

if you want something done right ya got to do it yourself:)

It's official- Tolstoy has more game than you.

It's time to begin a new chapter in your life: To avoid a battle with your wife, book a room at a hotel for a romantic getaway. Finger through some travel catalogs if you need to.

... and if none of that works masturbate

Yeah, FINGER through some catalogs...

...yeah I got the pun, but the op is male

I see what you did there

Porn it solves your problem.

I dunno about you, but porn makes my problem worse. Seriously I'm already missing out on sex, so now I have to watch someone else? Ugh fuck that lol

It's a joke ;) to get back at his wife. Not really like solve ur problem of not getting sex.

Actually she did want sex, that's why she's fingering herself. Apparently she just doesn't want it with OP.

Porn only helps for so long. Not sure about most women, but I'd rather hop on my guy than a porn site.

Omfg I give up I'm not saying porn solves everything....it's a joke I'm not saying it literal

Maybe she just didn't want your fat, slobbering body all over her

Whoa, whoa, slow down blondie! Someone is jumpin' to conclusions. Don't you have some beers to serve?

That's a pretty large leap in logic to make there from a handful of words. For all you know dude could be built like a marathon runner.

10-That is a very superficial and shallow comment young lady. First of all we have no idea what OP's actual weight is.. And even if we did why would that matter? Secondly, OP is talking about his wife.. So obviously she loves him or she wouldn't have married him. Most importantly though, I want you to know that real love goes deeper than appearances.

50% marriages fail. Not sure what you are talking about.

Jeesh y'all be looking at the glass half empty! Life is gonna suck with that attitude

LOL at #10. The rest of you should stop getting your panties in a bunch.

wow ok even if op were fat, that would be fucked up. but fact of the matter is that we have no clue what op looks like and never will.

10- you sound like a cunt. Regardless, there is obviously an issue with the marriage if OP's wife would rather do it herself. Maybe OP is just bad in the sack. That could have easily led to this situation.

If your wife prefers taking care of herself versus you rockin' her world, you're probably doing something wrong. Take the time to talk to her and see what she's missing in your love life; if you take the extra time to show you care, I can almost guarantee you'll be getting lucky more often.

except if she asks him to sift through war and peace for those chapters that get her all hot and bothered.

Or at least masturbate together!

I agree it's likely that he does something wrong, but not necessarily. Maybe she wasn't in the mood for intimacy, but still wanted some stress relieving comfort. Masturbation isn't just a poor substitution for sex.