Today, after receiving a lovely massage from my boyfriend, I...

By ooblie - 8/12/2010 08:22 - United States

Today, after receiving a lovely massage from my boyfriend, I was lying topless in bed beside him. Just as I was thinking this would be the perfect opportunity for some intimacy, he looks at me and says, "my mom is SO awesome." FML

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Intimacy

Understandable

Season finale

Boom, headshot

By hatemyjob - 15/12/2015 00:15 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, after working at the same place for 3 years, I found out that they are not only cutting my hours but now I have to take orders from some girl I trained because she was promoted over me. FML

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22397

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By Anna - 20/1/2019 16:00

Today, I went into a gynecology appointment to find out my IUD had apparently fallen out without me knowing. What tipped me off? My pregnancy test. FML

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By Sam - 25/6/2014 05:10 - United States - San Francisco

Today, as a recruiter, I had an interview with a promising candidate for an open position at my company. The interview was going well until the candidate interrupted me halfway through to take a selfie. FML

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By thanksma - 29/1/2017 07:00 - United States - Stilwell

Today, at his request, I met up with my brother for lunch so we could catch up. Apparently, our mother put him up to it so he could tell me our parents are getting a divorce. They didn't want to tell me themselves because I'm "too emotional." FML

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By Champion sucker - 11/8/2018 06:00

Uh... Okay?

Today, I was going out with my boyfriend after recently coming out. On my way out the door, my dad looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Suck that dick like a champ tonight, son." FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2009 02:09 - United States

Today, I saw a my neighbor being mugged on the street. I wanted to help, so I tried to yank her purse from the mugger's hands. I guess my neighbor didn't see me clearly, because she thought I was another mugger and kicked my directly in the happy sacks. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/3/2016 16:41 - United States - Augusta

Today, and recently, many of my friends have been acting strangely. My birthday is coming up soon, so I thought maybe they were planning a surprise party. Nope. Turns out they've just been secretly hanging out without me. FML

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By period_probs - 16/12/2014 01:23 - United States - King George

Today, my mom told me how lucky I was to inherit her "asymptomatic" periods. It's true, I don't get cramps, bloating or mood swings with my periods. Nope, just excruciatingly painful diarrhea. Thanks, mom. FML

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By LaughingFML - 1/6/2016 21:33 - Canada - Oshawa

Today, my best friend jokingly blocked my number until I apply for a job. She is also supposed to be picking me up from the airport, so now I have no way to contact her to tell her what time. FML

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By therealducktape - 20/8/2010 22:03 - France

Today, I got back from a two week holiday only to discover my dog missing. After looking for him at animal shelters and putting up missing pet signs, my room mate admitted he lost him in a game of drunk poker. FML

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By ssenmodnaR - 27/7/2016 16:30

Today, I learned that I'm in that special kind of relationship where my ex thinks we're still married, no matter how many times I tell him that we were divorced over a year ago. FML

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By bleurghh - 31/12/2011 15:06 - United Kingdom

Today, I saw a guy I like when I was out shopping. We acknowledged each other with a little wave, but as I walked away, I heard him say to his friend, "She's never gonna get me with THAT moustache." FML

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By Mr. E - 14/11/2018 17:30

Today, as I was teaching my 10th grade biology honors class, a student came in with a dead frog and asked if we could dissect it. He tried to toss it to me and missed, so it landed in a girl's lap. She threw up all over me. FML

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By gali-ma - 7/2/2015 12:52 - Australia

Today, I posted a photo on Facebook of me at a club with some friends. The first comment it got was "Just got a stiffy. 10/10." Thanks for that, dad. FML

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By ohmylordy - 29/10/2010 05:48 - United States

Today, while talking with my girlfriend about dating, I learned that she has had more girlfriends than I have. FML

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By shelly - 8/3/2012 22:23 - United States

Today, I was locked out of my house and had to pee. I waited an hour for my boyfriend to come home. When I saw him pull into the driveway, I peed myself in excitement. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2014 20:19 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I accidentally twisted my balls in my own underwear so badly that I had to be hospitalized. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2011 05:02 - United States

Today, my boyfriend clearly stated that I was "useless" when on my period. FML

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38319

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By anonymous - 17/1/2017 20:00

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night and had to go to the bathroom in my dorm. After coming out of the bathroom, I realized I'd let my auto-locking door close behind me. I had to go through the whole dorm, sprint across campus in my bra and underwear, and ask someone for my spare key. FML

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By fineillpissthebedthen - 7/2/2013 22:56 - Denmark - ?lborg

Today, my downstairs neighbours screamed at me for making so much noise that I woke their children up and made them cry. The noise was the sound of a loose floorboard shifting as I crept to my bathroom, and again on my way back to bed. They've sworn to get me evicted. FML

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By boredtothemax - 17/2/2016 19:17 - United States - Hammond

Today, I gave a talk in my management class about creating effective presentations and holding people's attention. Go figure, pretty much nobody paid any attention. FML

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By hungryman - 14/7/2009 21:10 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend's mom pulled me aside and started telling me about how her daughter was extremely depressed and suicidal before she met me, and how happy her family is because of me. I was planning on breaking up with her within the next week. FML

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By loser - 2/3/2016 00:20 - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, my mum asked when she's getting grandkids. I had to tell her that, at 21 years old, I hadn't even managed to get a boyfriend yet. FML

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By twelfinity - 17/7/2011 16:00 - United States

Today, my husband decided that the best way to deal with me eating the last chocolate chip muffin was to give me the silent treatment. Normally, I'd just get over his childish behavior, but we're on a fifteen hour car trip back home with our one year old. FML

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By anon - 11/1/2016 17:21 - United States - Spencer

Today, I found out that my crush of a few years likes me. How? Her boyfriend told me, followed by a punch in the face. FML

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By kissless - 10/10/2009 19:04 - United States

Today, my boyfriend left for a month-long trip with his buddies. I stood near the door waiting for a goodbye kiss. He kissed his xbox goodbye instead. FML

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By WOWreally - 25/9/2009 06:24 - United States

Today, I decided to surprise my husband in the shower. I got in and we were talking and goofing around and I stuck out my chest and sucked in my stomach being stupid and my husband says "Wait! Do it again! That's how you looked when I first met you." FML

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By LowerCrust - 30/1/2012 02:36 - United States

Today, I arrived at the pizza place I work at to find that I'd been fired. Apparently, the class stoner came in last night and not only demanded a free pizza, but also claimed that I always gave him one. I've never talked to this kid in my life, but my boss still doesn't believe me. FML

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By 0867142 - 27/2/2010 00:39 - Canada

Today, I found out that I spent a year helping my dad get back into shape, not for his own good health which was what I thought, but so that he could cheat on my mom with 5 other women. FML

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34889

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By Pisser - 26/6/2014 04:57 - United States - Portland

Today, my sweet 7-month-old puppy ran up to a big fat dog at the park and did what she always does: roll over on her back to start to play. The big fat dog lifted his leg and peed all over my puppy's belly. After the shock, my soaking wet puppy jumped on me. FML

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By Sammijane58 - 31/7/2019 14:00

Today, I watched my best friend get married. I then watched her completely ignore my maid of honor speech, because she was messing with the lights behind us. FML

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By pubemilkshake - 8/12/2014 02:12 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, my boyfriend made me a milkshake. It was pale yellow with some black spots. He told me it was banana and poppy seed. After drinking it, he told me they weren't poppy seeds. They were his pubes. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/4/2015 15:40 - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, despite having a stomach bug, I went into work, as my boss is overseas and had warned me not to take any sick leave until she returned. After 4 hours and vomiting twice, I left. She found out and sent me an email bitching me out for coming in sick. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, I saw a spider in my bathtub, so instead of killing it, i decided to bring my dog inside the bathroom to kill the spider for me. Turns out that the spider was a black widow, and my dog was bit. The dog killed the spider. The spider killed my dog. FML

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By Mc'xplosive - 9/10/2019 04:00

McGastric

Today, after months of avoiding fast food, I decided to eat some McDonald's french fries. Though the fries were delicious, they were not worth the agonizing 15 minutes I spent on the toilet afterwards. FML

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1209

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By buses suck - 15/11/2015 06:06 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I regret asking my neighbor to turn down his music last night. When I left for work, I found his car parked so close to mine that I couldn't squeeze between them. His wife's was parked the same way on the other side. They wouldn't answer their door and I ended up being late to work. FML

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By BatWife - 29/3/2017 19:00 - United States - New London

Today, my husband cleaned out our fireplace and found a very dead, mummified bat. After chasing me around the house with it, he set it atop the mantel. He refuses to get rid of it, and calls it "Henry". FML

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4803

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By iwannagotomiamitoo - 19/8/2013 04:30 - United States - Brookline

Today, I found out that apparently I'm in Miami. I am also enjoying a five-star hotel and all of its services. Only one problem: I'm still here, stuck in a small suburban town. F*ck identity theft. FML

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53549

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By janused - 18/2/2015 17:17 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, my dad still refuses to repay the loan I gave him. I've just barely managed to pay my bills, and I'm now so poor that I'll have to survive the next 3 days until my next paycheck by eating the only thing left in my fridge: a jar of cheese whiz. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/4/2009 20:15 - Canada

Today, as soon as I got home, my girlfriend was waiting for me at the door. She told me she was breaking up with me, the reason? She found a girl's shirt in my closet and that she didn't need a cheating boyfriend. That shirt was mine. FML

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Top comments

By Mysanitywins | 10

#1812935 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 12:09

Mom-1 GF-0

By rockhound | 0

#1812909 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 12:06

Well, his mom IS awesome.

COMMENTS

By madmadd | 0

#1812896 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 12:03

awkward silence... especially caus u have no shirt on...

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#1812959 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 12:12

threesome?
come on! you know Im not the only one thinking it....right?

MrsLender_fml | 3

#1813320 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 13:00

So what? Climb on top of him and then say "Okay and now I'll show you how awesome I am!"

mz_booty | 0

#1813365 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 13:08

lol competion in the bedroom!!

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#1813431 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 13:27

Op, take your little mommas boy and show him how to be a man(;

RedPillSucks | 31

#1813803 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 15:12

While singing at the top of her lungs...
her: In just seven days, I can make you a Maaahaaahaaahaahaaannn!!
him:Maamaaaaaaa ooooohhoooooh. Didn't mean to make you crrrryyyyy!

sourgirl101 | 28

#1813823 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 15:15

27 knows what's up!(:

OP massages are the best! Gotta love a man that's great with his hands!(: On you, not just himself)

sourgirl101 | 28

#1813838 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 15:17

27 knows what's up!(:

OP massages are the best! Gotta love a man that's great with his hands!(: On you, not just himself)

ClickMyPicture | 0

#1814527 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 17:38

27- Looks like you did your research

zkchild | 0

#1814605 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 18:09

You gotta out Do her now.

zakkyzebra | 11

#1816240 - Thursday 9 December 2010 0:57

@56, rocky horror picture show ftw!

By dragonaair | 5

#1812901 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 12:04

lol

priscilla_28 | 5

#1818290 - Thursday 9 December 2010 8:59

Maybe his mom is awesome.

SilenceIsSilver | 0

#2197033 - Friday 18 March 2011 1:17

Maybe she is, so why don't you grab him by the shirt, say "that's wonderful. Let's have sex." and get it on?

By rockhound | 0

#1812909 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 12:06

Well, his mom IS awesome.

WHAT_THA_PHUCK | 0

#1814763 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 18:51

Your mom is really awesome!

By Zmeilerr | 22

#1812911 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 12:06

moms are awesome

By Mysanitywins | 10

#1812935 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 12:09

Mom-1 GF-0

By GuitarNukka520 | 5

#1812956 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 12:12

oh man that's gotta suckkkk

Reyann | 0

#1816279 - Thursday 9 December 2010 1:11

yeaa

By lostness | 0

#1812973 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 12:13

he was saying your boobs look like his moms. your boobs are old and saggy!

movie141 | 0

#1813135 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 12:29

time a boob job

Quest_ | 13

#1813759 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 15:03

Three hours and twenty two minutes!

RedPillSucks | 31

#1813818 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 15:14

Quest, WTF???

OP, were you lying face up, or face down?

By mylifesucksserio | 15

#1812996 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 12:17

leave thats creepy, he shouldn't be thinking of his mother whilst your topless.

cooldukenukem | 2

#1813389 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 13:13

you're

mylifesucksserio | 15

#1813452 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 13:33

what

forestqueenie | 0

#1813608 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 14:25

facepalm ugh

Poomoobear | 0

#1814339 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 16:56

touche

iSitt | 0

#1814532 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 17:39

live fast die poor
or live slow die rich

stevenJB | 25

#3907745 - Thursday 19 January 2012 7:20

Touché*

By Alleged_Cranium | 7

#1813026 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 12:18

I smell a threesome.

iliketurdles | 7

#1813226 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 12:43

I was not aware they have a distinct smell?

Alleged_Cranium | 7

#1813555 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 14:09

They smell like "awesome".

Which is kind of a mix of Patchouli and Astroglide.

By lovexbox | 8

#1813054 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 12:22

That's beyond awkward!