Today, after receiving a lovely massage from my boyfriend, I...

By ooblie - 8/12/2010 08:22 - United States

Today, after receiving a lovely massage from my boyfriend, I was lying topless in bed beside him. Just as I was thinking this would be the perfect opportunity for some intimacy, he looks at me and says, "my mom is SO awesome." FML

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Intimacy

Instadrama

Who's a good boy?

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By Burny - 12/10/2017 16:00

Today, my partner took a shower while in the middle of cooking something. My eyes are still burning from the smoke. FML

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By lolmyfduplife - 24/12/2015 06:10

Today, I put my 5 month-old daughter in her swinging chair and walked into the kitchen to make her a bottle. When I came back, she was giggling because the dog was licking her face. It would have been cute, picture worthy even, if I actually had a dog. FML

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By MySonThePoet - 27/10/2014 02:42 - United States - Racine

Today, I stumbled across one of my son's English assignments. Apparently, he decided to submit a haiku about how electrical outlets are technically "whores" because they hook up with countless cords for a "charge." I don't know whether to be amused or furious. FML

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By Why - 2/4/2014 08:13 - Australia - Sydney

Today, for our 25th anniversary, my husband and I had dinner on a cruise ship, a dinner we had been planning for months. Upon boarding, I realized the expensive dress that I had bought just for the occasion had exactly the same print as the chair covers and the carpet. The cruise lasted 8 hours. FML

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By blarg - 30/1/2009 00:45 - United States

Today, I got in a huge fight with my mom. So, I went to my room and locked myself in there and played loud music so I didn't have to hear her. She then decides to yell at me over facebook. Shortly after, I log out of Facebook. She then starts yelling at me on Yahoo. Damn technology. FML

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By gkline09 - 6/8/2009 05:28 - United States

Today, I walked out to my car to see a broken window, a bunch of stuff missing, egg shells, and a note that read "stop banging my boyfriend". I haven't had anyone in over a year. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/4/2012 02:22 - United States

Today, on my first day of a new factory job, I discovered that my new boss had lied to me about my hours. I found this out when my coworkers burst out laughing when I mentioned having the weekends off, and talking about my recreational plans. FML

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By UnknownOperation - 4/9/2012 13:51 - United States - Washington

Today, I finally decided to introduce my boyfriend to my parents. Surprisingly, he and my father already knew each other, so I asked him how they met. Now I know where my boyfriend gets all his weed. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2009 07:35 - United States

Today, my roommate of seven weeks decided to kick me out. He blames me for the stains on his expensive white leather couch, even after a prof cleaner determined it was red wine. I don't drink red wine. He does. FML

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By flavored - 18/11/2013 15:26 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try flavored condoms. I guess I enjoyed them a little too much; I almost choked half to death on a strawberry cockcicle. FML

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By AmericanDream - 1/12/2011 05:41 - United States

Today, after recently moving to America as I've always dreamt of, I saw my first, majestic deer. My boyfriend slammed it with the rental car. FML

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By fmylifechelsea - 27/4/2009 19:41 - Canada

Today, I was taking my boyfriend to meet my grandparents. They live on the 27th floor. Alone in the elevator we started making out. Turns out that theres a camera in the elevator, connected to every apartment. My grandma asked me how it was. FML

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By Bece420 - 11/2/2019 12:00 - United States - Zanesville

Today, I decided to try a 7-minute exercise video to start working out and get in shape. I couldn’t make it though the video. FML

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By Dopeboyfresh71 - 19/12/2010 01:02 - United States

Today, it's my sixteenth birthday. The only gift I got was a bill from my parents. Apparently, the rent is due on the 1st. FML

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By Slowsky - 9/5/2012 10:19 - United States - Claremont

Today, I was at the gym on the elliptical. Feeling proud of myself for finishing a very intense workout, I looked to my left to see that the maintenance guy fixing the machine next to me had burned more calories testing the machine than I did during my entire workout. FML

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By bzygirl - 26/9/2009 21:23 - United States

Today, was my first day at my new job in a shop. 10 minutes after my first customer leaves I realize she managed to steal $200 worth of merchandise while she had me getting stuff for her from the back room. FML

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By Devon - 3/9/2010 04:35 - United States

Today, I found out that there is literally a giant hole in my son's bedroom because my son wanted to build a "secret entrance." FML

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By fleetingmemories - 29/11/2013 23:55 - United States - Falls Church

Today, I had to bail my husband out of jail. It turns out that in the Black Friday rush, he beat a guy up just so he could get his hands on the last of a heavily-discounted item. The item in question: a toaster. FML

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By Chimychunga - 1/8/2010 06:47 - United States

Today, while helping my dad look for his watch, I found his porn collection. FML

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By C BOMB - 14/9/2015 23:58 - Australia - Toowong

Today, I was getting coffee when I pulled my lip balm from my pocket and started playing with it in my hands, tapping it on my face and lip. There were there two gorgeous guys in front of me who kept turning around and staring at me. I was actually holding a tampon. FML

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By Username - 12/9/2010 14:46 - France

Today, I went to a gay club with my supportive straight best friend to find me a date. Somehow, she managed to go home with a guy and I'm still decidedly single. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2015 15:18 - United States - Milford

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me over the phone, after having left me to look after her dog while she went on a 2-week vacation with her family. Now I have to choose between paying for a kennel for her damn dog or taking care of it every day until she gets back. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/3/2013 21:33 - United States - Lutz

Today, a few months after my co-worker had stopped wearing her engagement ring, I decided to put on the moves and start flirting with her. I soon found out that her fiancé had died, and that she's nowhere near over him, despite her brave face. I feel like a total asshole. FML

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By FlipYoC - 16/9/2009 06:15 - United States

Today, my mom was criticizing how I can't handle taking care of any living thing because I'm too irresponsible. We had a huge argument so I went back to my apartment, only to find that my fish had died. I forgot I had a fish. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/3/2013 22:37 - United States - Denison

Today, my boyfriend drove me back home. My dad was sitting on the porch in his underwear, with his shotgun in his lap. He stroked the gun, looked my boyfriend dead in the eyes, and slowly shook his head. Now my boyfriend refuses to see me for his own safety. FML

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By daddysboy123 - 6/8/2009 15:40 - United States

Today, I found what I assumed was my laptop, though my mother has the same one. As I opened it, I was greeted by a video of my father waving. He wasn't using his hands. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2012 17:45 - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend, when his sister knocked on the door and asked if she could borrow the zombie movie we were watching after we were done with it. We weren't watching a movie; I was just moaning. FML

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By Just Me - 26/7/2012 05:04 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I came out to my mom as a lesbian. She told me that it was impossible, because since she isn't one, she therefore couldn't have given birth to one. She still won't believe me. FML

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By Unsanitary - 26/6/2011 10:32 - United Kingdom

Today, my daughter spent three hours crying and having a temper tantrum over being forced to have a bath after four days without one. My daughter is 16. FML

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By Shell - 5/3/2009 07:14 - United States

Today, I was working at Chuck-E-Cheese. If that isn't enough, I was put in the mouse costume. Due to the disgusting hot smell and atmosphere in the costume, I fainted in front of a birthday party. I awoke to a little boy screaming who then kicked me in the face and ran. FML

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By devinbyrne - 5/3/2011 20:26 - United States

Today, I was in the bathroom, when someone came up behind me. Instead of waiting for a urinal to free up, he wedged his way in between me and another guy, and promptly began peeing in my urinal, crossing streams in the process. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2012 05:46 - United States

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend, saying I had a lot on my plate. She responded by throwing an empty plate at my windshield. FML

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By whymegirl - 22/7/2012 04:24 - United States - Worcester

Today, my cousin is coming home after his honeymoon. His gift to his new wife was a puppy, which I said I would take care of while they went away. I sneezed last week and scared the puppy. She ran off. This was ten days ago, and I still haven't found the dog. FML

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By A girl - 27/6/2011 07:55 - Netherlands

Today, it has been 8 months since I started a photography project in which I would take a picture of the same tree every day for a year. I just heard a noise outside. They cut the tree down. FML

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By csgocockblock - 27/7/2016 17:26 - United States - Jenks

Today, when I got home from work I was pretty "in the mood" so I put on some cute undies and a tank top and went to get my boyfriends attention, he was so into his new computer game all I got was a half smile and a pat on the head. FML

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By Speechless - 18/3/2015 08:37 - United States - San Luis Obispo

Today, during an exam, the guy next to me tried to cheat by looking at my test but was caught by the proctor. His defense was that no one would ever cheat off me. The proctor agreed and allowed him to finish the test. FML

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By WTF - 1/6/2013 04:03 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I found out that the girl I've been talking to online and sending certain pictures to is actually my ex's new boyfriend. He ended up telling me he'd just wanted to see how he compared to me down below because my ex refused to go into detail about it. FML

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By waterbottlehit - 2/12/2011 05:23 - United States

Today, a private number called me telling me to "Beware the water bottles" as soon as a water bottle flew through my open window, hitting me. FML

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By milked - 27/2/2015 05:28 - United States

Today, as I was about to have sex with my husband, I said I wanted to "spice things up." Apparently, our ideas weren't the same. He yanked my nipples as hard as he could and said, "Yeah, you like that?" FML

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By Stressed out mom - 7/3/2018 01:30

Incognito IRL

Today, my daughter confessed that she’s pregnant from a one-night stand with some guy she met on vacation in Florida a few months ago. The dirtbag never told her his last name and the phone number he gave her was fake. FML

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Top comments

By Mysanitywins | 10

#1812935 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 12:09

Mom-1 GF-0

By rockhound | 0

#1812909 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 12:06

Well, his mom IS awesome.

Comments

By madmadd | 0

#1812896 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 12:03

awkward silence... especially caus u have no shirt on...

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#1812959 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 12:12

threesome?
come on! you know Im not the only one thinking it....right?

MrsLender_fml | 3

#1813320 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 13:00

So what? Climb on top of him and then say "Okay and now I'll show you how awesome I am!"

mz_booty | 0

#1813365 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 13:08

lol competion in the bedroom!!

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#1813431 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 13:27

Op, take your little mommas boy and show him how to be a man(;

RedPillSucks | 31

#1813803 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 15:12

While singing at the top of her lungs...
her: In just seven days, I can make you a Maaahaaahaaahaahaaannn!!
him:Maamaaaaaaa ooooohhoooooh. Didn't mean to make you crrrryyyyy!

sourgirl101 | 28

#1813823 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 15:15

27 knows what's up!(:

OP massages are the best! Gotta love a man that's great with his hands!(: On you, not just himself)

sourgirl101 | 28

#1813838 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 15:17

27 knows what's up!(:

OP massages are the best! Gotta love a man that's great with his hands!(: On you, not just himself)

ClickMyPicture | 0

#1814527 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 17:38

27- Looks like you did your research

zkchild | 0

#1814605 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 18:09

You gotta out Do her now.

zakkyzebra | 11

#1816240 - Thursday 9 December 2010 0:57

@56, rocky horror picture show ftw!

By dragonaair | 5

#1812901 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 12:04

lol

priscilla_28 | 5

#1818290 - Thursday 9 December 2010 8:59

Maybe his mom is awesome.

SilenceIsSilver | 0

#2197033 - Friday 18 March 2011 1:17

Maybe she is, so why don't you grab him by the shirt, say "that's wonderful. Let's have sex." and get it on?

By rockhound | 0

#1812909 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 12:06

Well, his mom IS awesome.

WHAT_THA_PHUCK | 0

#1814763 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 18:51

Your mom is really awesome!

By Zmeilerr | 22

#1812911 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 12:06

moms are awesome

By Mysanitywins | 10

#1812935 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 12:09

Mom-1 GF-0

By GuitarNukka520 | 5

#1812956 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 12:12

oh man that's gotta suckkkk

Reyann | 0

#1816279 - Thursday 9 December 2010 1:11

yeaa

By lostness | 0

#1812973 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 12:13

he was saying your boobs look like his moms. your boobs are old and saggy!

movie141 | 0

#1813135 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 12:29

time a boob job

Quest_ | 13

#1813759 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 15:03

Three hours and twenty two minutes!

RedPillSucks | 31

#1813818 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 15:14

Quest, WTF???

OP, were you lying face up, or face down?

By mylifesucksserio | 15

#1812996 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 12:17

leave thats creepy, he shouldn't be thinking of his mother whilst your topless.

cooldukenukem | 2

#1813389 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 13:13

you're

mylifesucksserio | 15

#1813452 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 13:33

what

forestqueenie | 0

#1813608 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 14:25

facepalm ugh

Poomoobear | 0

#1814339 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 16:56

touche

iSitt | 0

#1814532 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 17:39

live fast die poor
or live slow die rich

stevenJB | 25

#3907745 - Thursday 19 January 2012 7:20

Touché*

By Alleged_Cranium | 7

#1813026 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 12:18

I smell a threesome.

iliketurdles | 7

#1813226 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 12:43

I was not aware they have a distinct smell?

Alleged_Cranium | 7

#1813555 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 14:09

They smell like "awesome".

Which is kind of a mix of Patchouli and Astroglide.

By lovexbox | 8

#1813054 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 12:22

That's beyond awkward!