Intimacy: Today, after receiving a lovely massage from my boyfriend, I...

By ooblie - 08/12/2010 08:22 - United States

Today, after receiving a lovely massage from my boyfriend, I was lying topless in bed beside him. Just as I was thinking this would be the perfect opportunity for some intimacy, he looks at me and says, "my mom is SO awesome." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 844

You deserved it 3 984

Intimacy

Best teeth in the game

Bad boys, bad boys, what ya gonna do?

Deadlines whooshing by

By Darling_Cherry - 02/01/2010 21:22 - United States

Today, I realized that the only male that has ever been in bed with me has been my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 089

You deserved it 6 909

By Anonymous - 15/09/2014 17:52 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my daughter came home in tears, completely distraught. It took half an hour to convince her to tell me what was wrong. What horrific thing happened to her? One of her friends wore the same outfit as her to the movies, and apparently that's a betrayal of their friendship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 773

You deserved it 4 051

By lovely - 26/02/2014 18:53 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend thought it'd be cute to put his penis through a doughnut and try to make me eat it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 021

You deserved it 10 563

By Anonymous - 27/11/2009 14:13 - United States

Today, I learned that when someone says "I know what you did" it's better not to confess right away, because sometimes they could be talking about leaving the computer on all night, and not talking about giving the family dog away and telling everyone it ran away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 106

You deserved it 51 951

By beat10 - 30/03/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, I was fired for "customer dissatisfaction." I work in IT and have never met one of my company's customers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 519

You deserved it 4 160

By broke_kid - 03/01/2010 13:18 - United States

Today, I noticed white stuff in my colored clothes as I transferred them from the washer to the dryer. That's when I realized that the white stuff is my paycheck which I had put in my pants earlier. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 091

You deserved it 14 971

By Anonymous - 16/03/2019 09:00 - United States - Augusta

Today, My girlfriend dumped me because of a game... No that because I was playing the game... Cause she got addicted to a game and decided that the game was more important than our relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 051

You deserved it 225

By Cop-er-Pot - 16/10/2017 16:00

Today, I realized that my work life is far less stressful than my home life. I'm a cop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 523

You deserved it 287

By eringoBRA - 06/05/2011 14:07 - United States

Today, I walked out of my house, waved at my neighbors, walked through my front yard and into the side yard to turn off the sprinkler. It wasn't until I was back into the house that I remembered I wasn't wearing a top. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 156

You deserved it 52 748

Long story short

By Anonymous - 18/06/2020 20:08

Today, after I'd been on and off with this girl for 6 years, I finally proposed in October 2018 and she'd said yes. A year later we got a house. By March, she is seeing another girl. And now, we still live together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 578

You deserved it 416

Overdoing it

By Anonymous - 06/03/2021 17:01 - United States - Little River

Today, two months after beginning a steamy text exchange with the man I’ve been in love with for 13 years, he told me that now when he thinks of me he feels "warm and fuzzy." In a panic, I responded sarcastically, “Primarily in the dick, right?” That shut everything down real quick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 356

You deserved it 1 043

By HSampsON - 13/10/2013 21:20 - Niger - Niamey

Today, in revenge for me pulling the old salt-in-the-soda prank on him, my dad showed up at my college dressed in a tight blouse and miniskirt, demanding that I come home early with him. I think I'm going to be lynched next time I go to class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 018

You deserved it 13 749

By Anonymous - 23/08/2017 20:00

Today, I'm a counselor at summer camp. I don't know how to tell the 12-year-old girl in my cabin that I can hear porn playing through her headphones. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 198

You deserved it 291

A good excuse

By Anonymous - 21/11/2019 01:00

Today, my ex-girlfriend, who broke up with me because God said she couldn't have a boyfriend, started dating my friend... Who she always told me she didn't even like. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 132

You deserved it 206

By wellthatsucks - 05/07/2015 19:18 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months was showing me his new phone. He accidentally opened his gallery, which contains 3 photos: one of his motorcycle, one of his new game console, and a naked photo of his ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 733

You deserved it 2 209

By prego - 24/08/2010 16:01 - Canada

Today, because I am pregnant with a weak bladder, I woke up with morning sickness and had to decide very quickly whether I wanted to vomit or pee in the toilet. I now have to clean the chunks off the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 465

You deserved it 5 295

By gerbilmaster - 09/07/2015 21:12 - United States - Lynnwood

Today, I had 3 teeth pulled. Due to the anaesthesia, my mom came along to drive me home. Halfway through my surgery, she decided to leave and go shopping with her friend. She even left a note with the receptionist, saying that I needed to take on my own adult responsibilities. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 274

You deserved it 1 829

By Mikaela - 01/06/2012 03:25 - United States

Today, I saw my reflection in the computer screen and I thought I looked quite nice. I tried to take a screenshot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 845

You deserved it 31 291

By Anonymous - 23/04/2015 13:16 - United States - Cherry Hill

Today, my boyfriend told me he traded nude pictures I sent him for a costume piece in an internet game. He told me I should be okay with this, because, "It's a rare piece." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 958

You deserved it 7 002

By Anonymous - 30/05/2019 02:00

Today, I got lost in a car park, late at night, unable to find my car. I started panicking, so I called my dad. I sat down to catch my breath. After about 2 minutes, I heard a noise. I looked up to see a guy jerking off while watching me. He smiled, so I instinctively threw my backpack at his junk and he ran off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 280

You deserved it 250

By Anonymous - 05/08/2009 05:05 - United States

Today, my brother found 100 bucks in his coat pocket. He was so happy he bought 2 new games for his x-box. He was borrowing my coat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 530

You deserved it 8 488

By Anonymous - 26/09/2010 11:29 - Turkey

Today, I was in my hotel room. I picked up an expensive wine from the mini fridge, just to see what it is. I heard a mechanical "bling". I was charged for it. Then, I tried to put it back, only to hear another "bling". I was charged twice for expensive wine that I won't even drink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 673

You deserved it 10 899

By Agax - 08/10/2013 00:21 - United States - Riverside

Today, I was playing soccer when a player kicked the ball at my crotch. In pain, I kneeled down. The referee came up to me and whispered, "The smaller they are, the more it hurts." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 551

You deserved it 4 033

By raebay - 05/11/2009 01:23 - United States

Today, after I bathed my nine month old, I laid her on my bed to grab a diaper. I turned around to see that she'd peed on my comforter. I then put her in her playpen to put my cover in the wash. I came back into the room to get her, and saw she'd taken off her diaper. She'd crapped in her playpen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 832

You deserved it 8 328

By Anonymous - 20/08/2013 17:18 - United States

Today, my ass decided that it was the perfect day to exhibit the diarrhea side-effect of medicine I'm taking. I definitely made a lasting impression on my interviewer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 127

You deserved it 2 964

I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike

By couch potato - 16/03/2020 03:03

Today, I argued with my mom that I deserved enough independence to ride my bike to school. Halfway there, I realized I was so out of shape that I had to call her for a ride. FML

I agree, your life sucks 496

You deserved it 1 716

By halfmypaycheckgone - 05/02/2013 18:59 - United States - Monroe

Today, a state trooper ticketed me after learning I was ticketed for the same offense an hour earlier, namely driving with a broken headlight. The good news is that both tickets will be dismissed if I go to court. The bad news is that I'd have to go to different courthouses at the same time of day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 933

You deserved it 4 205

Bunged up

By P DarklyKira - 18/05/2020 23:00

Today, after weeks of quarantine, I can finally go to the hospital to get my haemorrhoid surgery, which was confirmed. I have a big internal one. I didn't not consult with the same doctor as before, but he didn't even do a check up inside and told me, "You have nothing, go home." I can't shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 612

You deserved it 154

By atomwolf - 09/12/2016 17:01 - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, I wanted to work out the volume of my penis and did so on the first piece of paper I could find on my desk. After I finished the calculations I realized that the other side of the paper was in fact my school report. It's the only copy I have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 982

You deserved it 11 958

By Anonymous - 04/07/2015 03:29 - United States - Panora

Today, I took an online IQ test, even though I knew they give everyone unrealistically high scores. My score was 73. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 588

You deserved it 5 488

Frustration

By Anonymous - 27/12/2021 02:01

Today, as I'm laying in bed with my wife, she noticed I'm wasn't hard, so she said, "I can fix that." As I prepare myself for a BJ, she lifted my boxers and blew air on my member, and laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 866

You deserved it 307

That slaps!

By Kelli - 08/04/2020 02:00

Today, the whole time my husband and I had sex, my stomach flab violently slapped my thighs. The harder he pumped, the louder the slapping got. Time to lose some weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 351

You deserved it 906

Are you lonesome tonight?

By Anonymous - 26/11/2021 14:01

Today, Thanksgiving Day and I have no family to spend with, all my friends are busy or out of town, and the only person actively talking to me is a random guy on Bumble. FML

I agree, your life sucks 794

You deserved it 140

By LightsOut - 03/05/2011 17:58 - United States

Today, I finished working a 70 hour work week. I'm a lineman for the electric company, and worked extended hours all week getting people's lights back on after a wind storm. When I got home, my power was out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 488

You deserved it 3 118

By Chris Chandler - 04/11/2018 15:30

Today, my cat peed on the kitchen floor. As I went to get the mop, I slipped on the puddle not once, not twice, but three times. In quick succession. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 319

You deserved it 642

By Lara - 08/01/2016 11:28 - Germany - Bremen

Today, I went to the doctor's because I could feel something solid in my breasts, and I wanted to get it checked, just to be safe. Turns out it was my ribs. Oops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 356

You deserved it 8 317

By Anonymous - 09/03/2011 16:07 - Canada

Today, I went on a dinner date with the guy I like. He ate all his food then started eating off my plate, going on to eat over half of my food. When the bill came, he made me pay for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 158

You deserved it 7 429

Stability

By Terrible Boss - 18/09/2019 02:04 - United States

Today, I fired all 12 of my employees, purely out of anger and frustration. Realizing my mistake when I'd calmed down, I called each employee and apologized, asking if they'd come back. Only one said yes. The mailroom clerk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 376

You deserved it 6 333

By blasted - 25/11/2009 13:56 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of almost a year, and to whom I intended to propose on Thanksgiving, dumped me because her husband will be returning from Iraq soon. And he wants to have a "talk" with me. I didn't know she was married. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 197

You deserved it 3 859

By Really - 15/01/2016 16:25 - United States - Butte

Today, I told my mother that, after years of cheating and abuse, I'm finally getting a divorce. Her reaction was deep concern that my husband might not want to "be friends" with the rest of the family any more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 294

You deserved it 1 544

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Top comments

Mysanitywins 10

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Wednesday 8 December 2010 12:09

Mom-1 GF-0

rockhound 0

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Wednesday 8 December 2010 12:06

Well, his mom IS awesome.

madmadd 0

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Wednesday 8 December 2010 12:03

awkward silence... especially caus u have no shirt on...

TheRealFamilyGuy 5

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Wednesday 8 December 2010 12:12

threesome? come on! you know Im not the only one thinking it....right?

MrsLender_fml 3

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Wednesday 8 December 2010 13:00

So what? Climb on top of him and then say "Okay and now I'll show you how awesome I am!"

mz_booty 0

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Wednesday 8 December 2010 13:08

lol competion in the bedroom!!

I_iz_B_a_troll 23

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Wednesday 8 December 2010 13:27

Op, take your little mommas boy and show him how to be a man(;

RedPillSucks 31

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Wednesday 8 December 2010 15:12

While singing at the top of her lungs... her: In just seven days, I can make you a Maaahaaahaaahaahaaannn!! him:Maamaaaaaaa ooooohhoooooh. Didn't mean to make you crrrryyyyy!

sourgirl101 28

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Wednesday 8 December 2010 15:15

27 knows what's up!(: OP massages are the best! Gotta love a man that's great with his hands!(: On you, not just himself)

sourgirl101 28

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Wednesday 8 December 2010 15:17

27 knows what's up!(: OP massages are the best! Gotta love a man that's great with his hands!(: On you, not just himself)

ClickMyPicture 0

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Wednesday 8 December 2010 17:38

27- Looks like you did your research

zkchild 0

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Wednesday 8 December 2010 18:09

You gotta out Do her now.

zakkyzebra 11

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Thursday 9 December 2010 0:57

@56, rocky horror picture show ftw!

dragonaair 5

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Wednesday 8 December 2010 12:04

lol

priscilla_28 5

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Thursday 9 December 2010 8:59

Maybe his mom is awesome.

SilenceIsSilver 0

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Friday 18 March 2011 1:17

Maybe she is, so why don't you grab him by the shirt, say "that's wonderful. Let's have sex." and get it on?

rockhound 0

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Wednesday 8 December 2010 12:06

Well, his mom IS awesome.

WHAT_THA_PHUCK 0

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Wednesday 8 December 2010 18:51

Your mom is really awesome!

Zmeilerr 22

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Wednesday 8 December 2010 12:06

moms are awesome

Mysanitywins 10

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Wednesday 8 December 2010 12:09

Mom-1 GF-0

GuitarNukka520 5

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Wednesday 8 December 2010 12:12

oh man that's gotta suckkkk

Reyann 0

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Thursday 9 December 2010 1:11

yeaa

lostness 0

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Wednesday 8 December 2010 12:13

he was saying your boobs look like his moms. your boobs are old and saggy!

movie141 0

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Wednesday 8 December 2010 12:29

time a boob job

Quest_ 13

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Wednesday 8 December 2010 15:03

Three hours and twenty two minutes!

RedPillSucks 31

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Wednesday 8 December 2010 15:14

Quest, WTF??? OP, were you lying face up, or face down?

mylifesucksserio 15

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Wednesday 8 December 2010 12:17

leave thats creepy, he shouldn't be thinking of his mother whilst your topless.

cooldukenukem 2

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Wednesday 8 December 2010 13:13

you're

mylifesucksserio 15

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Wednesday 8 December 2010 13:33

what

forestqueenie 0

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Wednesday 8 December 2010 14:25

facepalm ugh

Poomoobear 0

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Wednesday 8 December 2010 16:56

touche

iSitt 0

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Wednesday 8 December 2010 17:39

live fast die poor or live slow die rich

stevenJB 25

Thursday 19 January 2012 7:20

Touché*

Alleged_Cranium 7

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Wednesday 8 December 2010 12:18

I smell a threesome.

iliketurdles 7

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Wednesday 8 December 2010 12:43

I was not aware they have a distinct smell?

Alleged_Cranium 7

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Wednesday 8 December 2010 14:09

They smell like "awesome". Which is kind of a mix of Patchouli and Astroglide.

lovexbox 8

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Wednesday 8 December 2010 12:22

That's beyond awkward!

Nearly

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 3

Today, my girlfriend called off our plans to get married, all because I didn't “make enough time” while I was busy renovating the house for her parents to come over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 145

You deserved it 10

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 126

You deserved it 303

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 540

You deserved it 670

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