Today, after being chronically constipated for the better part...

By missbutthole - 4/6/2011 13:07 - United States

Today, after being chronically constipated for the better part of a week, I finally have the urge to poop. Too bad I'm 30 minutes early to work and locked out of the building. FML

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Health

Caught red-handed

DINOSAURS!!

Nice neighborhood

By spaz - 14/3/2011 01:49 - United States

Today, my dog started barking very aggressively. Thinking she'd started another gruesome fight with my older dog, I jumped up from the couch, spilling my coffee all over my laptop and dress, and knocked over a vase my grandmother gave me. She was barking at her own shadow. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2013 03:27 - United States - San Ramon

Today, my leadership class was trying to decide who would run the kissing booth in our local carnival. Someone suggested me, to which the director replied, "We'd never make any profit with her." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2015 19:16 - United States

Today, I saw my friend at the mall. He didn't see me, so I called him to say "Turn around." He took one look at his phone, snorted loudly enough for me to hear from way off, and put it back in his pocket. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/7/2011 08:40 - Austria

Today, the whole family came together to celebrate my grandmother's 80th birthday. My grandfather read a poem he'd written about how he had taken my grandmother's virginity 60 years ago. It went on for about 30 minutes. FML

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By me - 20/4/2015 01:46 - Canada

Today, my exchange student asked me for a ride to a party at a friend's house that I didn't know about. When I said, "Oh, just let me change", she replied, "I just need the ride, you're not invited." FML

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By kasai_x0x - 19/6/2010 16:27 - Canada

Today, I found out what cat food tastes like mixed with mayo, hot sauce, and between two perfectly toasted pieces of rye bread. My cat found out what tuna tastes like instead of her normal food. FML

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By pierced. - 25/6/2014 04:29 - United States - Reno

Today, I went to a seamstress to be fitted for my wedding dress and left with a pierced nipple. FML

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By Carrie - 28/3/2020 02:00

Stuck in the middle with you

Today, I had to beg and argue with my boyfriend to get him to take a shower and brush his teeth. This has become a recurring argument now we're confined together. FML

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By shartface12 - 6/6/2014 22:01 - United States - San Jose

Today, after a big house party the night before, I woke up with a dry mouth and a pounding hangover. I took a swig from a cup I'd left on my bedside table the night before, thinking it was water. Nope; it was vodka. FML

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By Chard of Glass - 4/10/2016 12:45 - Canada - Marystown

Today, I woke up with a nasty cough. My mother gave me cough syrup for it. After about 30 minutes, I was dizzy, nauseous, and high as a fucking kite. Turns out the cough syrup reacts badly with my prescription medications, making me even sicker than I already was. FML

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By Hum - 2/7/2011 21:50 - Switzerland

Today, while on student exchange in Germany, I was making myself a cup of coffee. When I rummaged around in the fridge, my room-mates asked me what I was looking for. I said I wanted to put "samen" in my coffee. They laughed. Ah yes, "sahne" means "cream". "Samen" means "sperm". FML

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By anonymous - 11/12/2010 07:41 - United States

Today, while standing in line at a local Mexican fast food place, I was feeling generous and let a little kid behind me go in front. Turns out he had a list, and was ordering food for his whole family. I had to wait 30 minutes to get my food. FML

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By a non e mouse - 10/11/2015 22:34 - United States - Valparaiso

Today, I tried to unlock my house's front door by hitting the unlock button on my car keys. It took me some time to realize my mistake. FML

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By creepedout - 31/7/2011 05:11 - United States

Today, I was at the airport. A creepy man smiled at me, so I politely smiled back. I then realized his shirt said "Smile if you take it in the ass." He then winked at me and walked off. FML

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By fire - 15/3/2009 04:46 - United States

Today, I interviewed for a full scholarship to college. In the interview I said that I was excited about the new dean because I think she’ll be able to really make improvements and bring the school back to where it used to be. After the interview, I learned my interviewer was the former dean. FML

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By pinks - 2/9/2009 02:17 - United States

Today, when my son woke up from his nap, he sleepily reached up. I picked him up and gave him a big hug, and he immediately pushed me away. He wasn't reaching for me, he was reaching for the bag of chips on the table next to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2012 06:24 - Canada - Whitby

Today, I used a prank app, where you shake the cell, and it makes the screen looks cracked. I ended up losing my grip on the phone. It went flying, and it is now cracked for real. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2011 18:21 - United States

Today, I finished the first month of a diet and exercise program designed to help me lose weight. To keep myself motivated, I have avoided the scale the entire time. I weighed myself today. I've gained 6 pounds. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2020 08:00

Lemon or haunted?

Today, our boiler broke. Yesterday, it was our fridge. The day before that, the deck collapsed, and a few weeks ago the dishwasher flooded the kitchen. This is after we spent a ton of money to have the house gutted due to a mold problem. We only bought the house a year ago, and have lived in it even less. We need to move. FML

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By thermos - 3/2/2009 23:47 - United States

Today, I had a sexy dream, woke up and started to masturbate quite vigorously. When I finished, I hopped off the top bunk naked to see my brother and his girlfriend laying in the bottom bunk. FML

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By Morgan - 3/2/2009 23:55 - United States

Today, my friend's son asked me how much coke costs in this place. I told him "about a dollar?" He said "wow, that's really cheap for blow." He's 10. FML

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By Oops54321 - 28/9/2009 07:12 - France

Today, I was feeling really horny. I decided to send dirty texts to my girlfriend. I sent the first and she didn't reply, so I sent more and more and then I got one back saying 'Stay away from my little girl.' FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2018 18:30

Today, I spent $50 buying flea bombs so not only my dogs, but my son could relax a little in my home instead of fighting off those tiny little circus bastards. Today, I got in my car and the fleas attacked me mercilessly until I got to work. FML

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By itachi desu - 8/6/2018 20:30

Not so wise, eh?

Today, I got my wisdom teeth removed. While under the influence of the drugs, I tried to speak Japanese. Later, my Japanese roommate informed me that I was saying "I am a weasel" over and over again. FML

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By bryans_fresh - 12/6/2009 23:35 - United States

Today, I wanted to use my gift card for a liquor store. I went to pay the cashier, who said he needed to see my license. I gave it to him as well as my gift card. After paying, he asked me if I wanted him to cut it up, since the card was now worth $0. I said yes. He cut the wrong card. FML

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By Christoams - 12/1/2009 04:35 - France

Today, I was putting a new lightbulb in when my wife walks into the room and says "you can't see a thing, i'll turn the light on for you". And she did. FML

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By swirkishly - 24/11/2011 16:06 - United States

Today, I was walking through my house when I noticed bits of plaster falling from the ceiling. Against all logic, I looked up, receiving a fragment directly in the eyeball. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2012 15:42 - United States

Today, my job at a luxurious retirement community was terminated when I ran over an old lady with my work golf cart. FML

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By Zoe123 - 19/3/2009 06:05 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were at his house having sex. After about 30 minutes, his mom came home and was knocking on the door asking "What are you doing?" Thinking I might have a chance to sneak out, I got dressed real quiet. Then my boyfriend answers, "Zoe. I'm doing Zoe." FML

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By brokeasscollegelife - 20/11/2015 21:25 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, I biked to the store to buy a new lock, since biking is my only form of transportation. I left my bike unattended for the last time, only to come back with a new chain, but no bike. FML

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By Meow - 11/7/2009 06:28 - Australia

Today, while working at McDonald's a car full of obnoxious teens came through. They had made a $30 order, and handed me a tin of small change, claiming that on a McDonald's ad they saw that we, employees, liked counting change. I had to count out $30 in spare change during a rush period at work. FML

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By Lorus - 23/8/2011 07:30 - United States

Today, I passed a kidney stone. This is the third one in two years. I'm only 23. FML

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By just about pissed off - 11/8/2013 17:24 - Egypt - Cairo

Today, to help with my insomnia, I downloaded some relaxing rain MP3s and set them to loop. For the first time in ages, I fell asleep within minutes. Somewhere around 5, however, the sound of trickling water caused my bladder to empty itself all over my bed. FML

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By wow - 28/5/2014 23:08 - United States - Cape Coral

Today, my mother told me that I was "made" in the bathroom of the store I work at now. She even pointed out which stall. FML

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By queenariii - 28/6/2016 05:55 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I'm stuck in a ramshackle house that my aunt bought and moved everyone out to. Only one bathroom works, and she won't let us flush it because the house keeps flooding. Four people are stuck here with just one toilet filled with poop and urine, while she's been staying at a friend's house. FML

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By angel grace - 15/2/2018 15:00

Today, I woke up feeling ill. My mom sent me to school anyway, and grounded me for "lying" about being sick. As soon as I got to school, I began vomiting blood. FML

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By je_regrette_tout - 9/3/2013 18:50 - France - Livry-gargan

Today, a technician from my ISP came to my house to replace my router. He asked for a glass of water, one thing led to another, and for some reason I'll never fully understand, we ended up having sex. Looks like porn logic is not so far off the mark after all. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2009 19:18 - United States

Today, I was in my new boyfriend's apartment for the first time. As I was flipping through his photo albums, I came across one full of disturbingly candid pictures of me. I found some as early as my trip to the state fair, three years ago. I met my boyfriend two months ago. FML

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By Rin - 15/1/2010 08:02 - United States

Today, I found some pictures of the boy I have a crush on online. Not only is he a crossdresser, but he's also a better looking woman than I am. FML

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By JTo - 3/3/2012 22:07 - United States

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend because I found an email he had written to an ex-fling telling her he was single and wanted to meet up. He wrote that email from my computer, in my apartment, on Valentine's Day. FML

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Top comments

By Perdition | 4

#2619321 - Saturday 4 June 2011 20:01

There are these things called bushes. Generally located in the vicinity of everywhere, they can be used for a multitude of activities, including:

- Looking pretty
- Looking ugly
- Being shaped into odd animals
- Being shaped into objects and shapes
- Covering someone while they take a shit
- and more!

Please call 1 123 456 7890 to reserve your FREE copy of "How to man up and not be a pansy about things"!

By xxAlli | 0

#2619290 - Saturday 4 June 2011 19:57

Go to another building instead of waiting?

Comments

By theotherguy89 | 0

#2619281 - Saturday 4 June 2011 19:57

first!!!!!!!

whiteboy7thst | 2

#2619334 - Saturday 4 June 2011 20:02

Waste of valuable comment space...

By lyn29 | 0

#2619286 - Saturday 4 June 2011 19:57

plouf ...helps ?

Docbee | 11

#2619393 - Saturday 4 June 2011 20:08

...Dx that sounds like a shitty situation

bbucaro98 | 0

#2619394 - Saturday 4 June 2011 20:09

take a dump on the doormat

nolaneldridge | 1

#2619475 - Saturday 4 June 2011 20:22

cartman style

Discombobulated9 | 12

#2619523 - Saturday 4 June 2011 20:33

...I've never known someone to be so full of shit.

Epilepsy_fml | 0

#2619578 - Saturday 4 June 2011 20:38

The same puns over and over again are not funny at all...

Discombobulated9 | 12

#2619629 - Saturday 4 June 2011 20:44

People putting a downer on the mood aren't funny at all...

imacreeper | 3

#2619650 - Saturday 4 June 2011 20:46

48, he's not being a downer, it's just that that shit gets old and annoying.

Discombobulated9 | 12

#2619660 - Saturday 4 June 2011 20:47

#50 Was that a pun? :D

imacreeper | 3

#2619677 - Saturday 4 June 2011 20:50

glad you caught it!

eshhayz | 0

#2619827 - Saturday 4 June 2011 21:11

talk about a shitty situation !!

PurpleRae420 | 0

#2619948 - Saturday 4 June 2011 21:40

So take their newspaper and go behind the buidling squat and do your business lol having to go outside happens to all of us just don't shit yourself !!

imacreeper | 3

#2619959 - Saturday 4 June 2011 21:43

75..no sweetie *sigh*..just..just no.

urdirtyolduncle | 15

#2620133 - Saturday 4 June 2011 22:24

75-- Wow, your streak of getting thumbed down is greater than a nerd's kill-streaks while playing COD.

zendaddy0 | 0

#2620282 - Saturday 4 June 2011 23:04

wow that must of been an intense moment

stephmariee17 | 0

#2620339 - Saturday 4 June 2011 23:19

you're in a shit load of trouble my friend. but why would you be at your work a half an hour before they open? go to the nearest place where there's a bathroom I guess?

bbucaro98 | 0

#2621436 - Sunday 5 June 2011 2:18

no more puns

angelpies | 0

#2621758 - Sunday 5 June 2011 3:32

Just shit outside the door.

By xxAlli | 0

#2619290 - Saturday 4 June 2011 19:57

Go to another building instead of waiting?

AppleCurry | 0

#2619297 - Saturday 4 June 2011 19:58

that's what I was just thinking. Unless his job is in the middle of no where there should be a nearby bathroom.

iLazy | 0

#2619359 - Saturday 4 June 2011 20:04

Warehouse 13?

kingtz | 6

#2619470 - Saturday 4 June 2011 20:22

There must be a McDonalds or Starbucks nearby.

DreaminOfMusic | 0

#2619614 - Saturday 4 June 2011 20:43

32- that is such a cute picture!

mtlooney225 | 0

#2620082 - Saturday 4 June 2011 22:15

just go poop behind a bush. use a leaf for tp(; haha. jp(:

mexicotoucher | 7

#2620242 - Saturday 4 June 2011 22:56

Don't they have public toilets in New York?

streetllama | 4

#2620347 - Saturday 4 June 2011 23:24

Just drive somewhere else or did you already drop the load?

A7X_LoVeee | 10

#2621382 - Sunday 5 June 2011 2:07

Why go to another building when he can just take a dump in the middle of the street?

By winnn_fml | 0

#2619308 - Saturday 4 June 2011 20:00

when it comes to poop it's serious business

i_wuz_nver_here | 31

#2619895 - Saturday 4 June 2011 21:30

that's some serious shit there

futtbuck101 | 1

#2620016 - Saturday 4 June 2011 21:56

must...resist...but can't!! That's a shitty situation

funnyFMLSplz | 0

#2622685 - Sunday 5 June 2011 7:03

I just read that in quagmires voice :D

XXizzlerXX | 0

#2657449 - Saturday 11 June 2011 2:22

you could always poop behind a bush?

By sensoon15 | 7

#2619311 - Saturday 4 June 2011 20:00

yea go to another building or just find somewhere isolated and shit.

volley4eva1698 | 0

#2620277 - Saturday 4 June 2011 23:03

bushes are always nice!

theguy33 | 1

#2622663 - Sunday 5 June 2011 6:57

I would just pop a squat behind a tree or something

By electric12 | 0

#2619313 - Saturday 4 June 2011 20:00

awe muffin :( lol

chiddy_bang71 | 0

#2619900 - Saturday 4 June 2011 21:32

if u were trying to be funny and cute, u failed.

bamxitsxandreaa | 8

#2620253 - Saturday 4 June 2011 22:58

^^ hahaha.

By fairygirl88 | 5

#2619316 - Saturday 4 June 2011 20:00

try not to get any on the sidewalk

kaleighiscool | 0

#2619422 - Saturday 4 June 2011 20:13

Uhm; Ew ... O___o ?

TheCrazyAli28 | 1

#2619672 - Saturday 4 June 2011 20:49

how's that ew? that's hilarious

instnt1nfction | 16

#2619888 - Saturday 4 June 2011 21:30

it's not hilarious it's business

By Perdition | 4

#2619321 - Saturday 4 June 2011 20:01

Perdition | 4

#2619342 - Saturday 4 June 2011 20:02

Also:

OP, you're in freakin' New York. Walk 30 feet and use another company's restroom.

iAmScrubs | 19

#2619479 - Saturday 4 June 2011 20:25

I called that number 9, and nobody answered.

Sylvee | 0

#2619494 - Saturday 4 June 2011 20:28

34-you are an idiot.

kaleighiscool | 0

#2619525 - Saturday 4 June 2011 20:33

35- Your a moron rapped in an idiot.

chickunkey | 0

#2619530 - Saturday 4 June 2011 20:34

35- You're an idiot as well.

baby_dee97 | 8

#2619616 - Saturday 4 June 2011 20:43

38 you're a moron wrapped in an idiot for spelling wrapped wrong

omg_a_BALLOON | 0

#2619745 - Saturday 4 June 2011 20:58

47, You're an idiot for not punctuating your sentence.

geko911 | 22

#2619923 - Saturday 4 June 2011 21:36

finaly found the idiot convention!! hey guys how ya all doin??

Perdition | 4

#2619925 - Saturday 4 June 2011 21:38

^ killed it.

woahbro2slow | 0

#2619945 - Saturday 4 June 2011 21:40

* y'all

tsim_fml | 0

#2619975 - Saturday 4 June 2011 21:47

58- win

cupcakeluver1212 | 0

#2620524 - Saturday 4 June 2011 23:53

I think that is the best list I have ever seen in my life.

x_messyjessy_x | 0

#2620885 - Sunday 5 June 2011 0:57

I'm guessing you are all victims of constipation and the only way of 'releaving' it is to be mean to others :/ hmm

aardvarkish | 15

#2621800 - Sunday 5 June 2011 3:38

Perdition, I'm impressed. Bravo.

Eggers | 2

#2622210 - Sunday 5 June 2011 4:57

47- You're just a hypocrite for saying "wrong" when you should have said "incorrectly"

By this_female | 0

#2619339 - Saturday 4 June 2011 20:02

hahaha aww . sucks !

By ChibiChibi_fml | 27

#2619353 - Saturday 4 June 2011 20:04

Surely there is a gas station or something somewhere in the vicinity of your work.

baby_dee97 | 8

#2619634 - Saturday 4 June 2011 20:45

hey don't call me shirley

sourgirl101 | 28

#2619769 - Saturday 4 June 2011 20:59

"Airplane"!