Intimacy: Today, I was in line at a checkout. I have quite a few facial... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 5

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 103

Spicy

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 693

You deserved it 111

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 634

You deserved it 42

24/06/2009 19:17

Spicy

Today, I was in line at a checkout. I have quite a few facial piercings and 1/2" gauges in my ears. The very heavy cashier asks how big my gauges are and then starts telling me about how she recently got her clitoris pierced and how sometimes she has orgasms behind the register. FML

I agree, your life sucks 520

You deserved it 78

You tried

Vulture

Cognitive dissonance

02/06/2011 17:32

Today, my boyfriend and I went shooting. While I was showing him how to properly hold and adjust a rifle, he accidentally pulled the trigger. The gun kicked back and hit me in the face, breaking my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 569

You deserved it 10 742

20/06/2015 10:42

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to meet his parents, and now they have a dead rabbit because I sat on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 629

You deserved it 5 709

22/03/2012 04:46

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend went down on me with whiskey in his mouth. It felt like my genitals were on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 754

You deserved it 6 908

28/08/2013 03:11

Today, I learned that the girl I've been seeing for 6 months is actually married. She just dates me when her husband is pissing her off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 907

You deserved it 3 912

26/06/2012 02:55

Today, I finally got enough money to buy the car I wanted for a year now. It was stolen today too. I had my car for 4 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 602

You deserved it 2 643

Missing out

By Anonymous - 08/07/2021 00:02

Today, after I gave notice to quit my job 3 weeks ago, and my last day is tomorrow, I found out that all overtime is now $40 an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 771

You deserved it 203

29/10/2009 23:44

Today, I got a text from my boyfriend that said, "Last week was the most embarassing time of my life, we're over." He was of course referring to the seizure that I had due to my epilepsy at Olive Garden. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 002

You deserved it 2 795

05/01/2012 06:58

Today, I jokingly mocked my dad about his age. He jokingly poured milk all over my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 885

You deserved it 35 868

Are you experienced?

By Brax - 30/05/2012 09:46

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend stuck her finger up my butt while giving me a hand-job, promising it would feel really good. It just felt awkward and made me need to poop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 124

You deserved it 9 395

Tinfoil hat wearers are everywhere

By Anonymous - 09/05/2020 20:00

Today, I overheard my mom on the phone ranting about how China "engineered and released" the coronavirus and the giant hornets in an attempt to take over the world. Only one more month of quarantine left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 439

You deserved it 240

17/06/2013 05:54

Today, I lost my virginity. Not only did my parents somehow find out, they posted about it on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 247

You deserved it 11 238

07/10/2015 17:20

Today, my brother hugged me for the first time. Turns out he was patting me down to make sure I didn't have cigarettes. Love you too, bro. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 717

You deserved it 2 608

26/11/2018 21:00

Today, after looking for my phone for three weeks, I used find my iPhone to track it to my sister-in-law's house. Her response? "Finders keepers, losers weepers." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 845

You deserved it 255

Creep

By oh_mylanta - 02/03/2009 09:10

Today, I went to work to find my creepy boss sitting in my office. I work the night shift, so it was very unusual to find him there. I asked how he was, and he replied, "I told my wife about us; she kicked me out." I've been working there a month. Also, I'm married and pregnant. So, excuse me, "US?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 101 325

You deserved it 5 347

21/09/2013 17:28

Today, while sorting through my clothes, I found one of my ex's old sweaters. After a lot of thought and difficulty, I threw it out. I felt empowered, until my father later rifled through my trash and claimed the sweater for himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 550

You deserved it 3 943

23/01/2009 15:18

Today, I had to walk home from school in the rain, because my mom "didn't have a car to pick me up in". But when I got home, the car had magically appeared. Just great. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 818

You deserved it 2 351

18/10/2013 17:30

Today, I woke up with a raging hangover. I soon checked my phone, only to find that I'd drunkenly sent nude pictures to several friends' numbers, as well as to my own. I'd then replied to my own message, saying that I'm not gay and telling myself to fuck off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 356

You deserved it 43 981

06/07/2012 10:42

Today, I was the maid of honor at my sister's wedding. I was the first one to walk down the aisle, where I managed to trip over a wire, shutting off the music and falling on my face. My family cheered and took pictures. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 490

You deserved it 3 511

14/10/2009 21:27

Today, I went to a party where I met some nice girls. One of them was really sweet and we were having a great time in my friend's backyard. As I was on the swing, I was gonna give her my number, but instead, I gave her a harsh kick to the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 556

You deserved it 27 106

07/06/2009 13:50

Today, I went to a huge party. My ex boyfriend was there who I still have feelings for, so I decided to make him jealous by making out with the really drunk guy next to me. While we were making out, he threw up in my mouth and all over me. Everybody found it hysterical including my ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 726

You deserved it 95 240

16/10/2014 19:30

Today, my wife yelled at me for being a bastard and not caring about her needs. I felt like an asshole and apologized for everything. It took me a few hours to realize I'd basically just apologized for unknowingly hanging the toilet paper the "wrong way" for her OCD. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 736

You deserved it 5 898

25/04/2009 13:31

Today, I was fired from my job of 5 years. I was let go because I couldn't take the company to 'the next level'. My now ex-boss asked me if I could process my severance check because he didn't know how. I had to write myself my last paycheck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 049

You deserved it 2 746

01/09/2011 07:07

Spicy

Today, I found out that my mum has been texting my ex-boyfriend to tell him what a dick he is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 624

You deserved it 4 765

09/08/2011 03:43

Today, my friend and I gave our numbers to some guys at a bar. Twenty minutes after we had left, we got a call. We excitedly answered the phone, only to hear the guy ask, "So are you the fat one or the ugly one?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 332

You deserved it 7 339

25/11/2017 01:30

Today, I had a date with a girl. The chemistry was just right and she seemed perfect in every way until she staunchly insisted that the earth is flat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 417

You deserved it 317

19/03/2009 00:10

Spicy

Today, I saw an attractive man outside the club I was trying to get into to. We talked, and ended up having sex in my apartment. The next day when I was dropping him off, I discovered he was homeless and was outside the club begging for money. My house is suddenly out of bread and cheese. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 380

You deserved it 149 491

08/10/2015 14:46

Today, an elderly gentleman customer decided to tell me that while I'm not attractive at all, he'd still bang me all the same. Then he gave me a pained smile, like he was struggling not to shit himself, and left. I'm starting to hate working retail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 508

You deserved it 1 606

05/06/2009 10:48

Today, it was graduation day, and the very first time I'm hosting an event. When I got on stage, I stared at the audience for a good 5 seconds, then I fainted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 570

You deserved it 6 154

26/06/2013 07:09

Today, I received 5 missed calls from a florist stating that they were having problems delivering a bouquet from my ex. I was thrilled at the idea of a reconciliation. Turns out however that he just got mine and his new girlfriend's phone numbers confused. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 197

You deserved it 3 699

01/04/2011 17:50

Today, my friend called me at work to tell me that someone had hit my motorcycle and that it was in pretty bad shape. I chuckled and waited for the "April fools" that would follow. A picture of my wrecked bike came instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 916

You deserved it 3 781

Chill out, man!

By Marcowalker95 - 07/08/2012 04:16

Today, I was at a gas station when the cash register made a sound effect similar to one from Sonic the Hedgehog, and I pointed this out. The cashier then saw fit to go on a rant about how I need to stop focusing on video games, and get a life and a girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 597

You deserved it 7 064

15/09/2018 15:00

Today, at physical therapy, I felt that all-too-familiar gurgle in my gut, but I thought it would a light, silent fart. I squatted for an exercise and shit my pants in front of the cute, single, male physical therapist. He definitely noticed. I still had 30 minutes left in the session. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 755

You deserved it 621

12/06/2017 14:00

Today, at work, I had to help a teenager who was stuck in a toy car for kids, and no, it was not in one piece when she finally got out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 077

You deserved it 237

09/11/2011 14:48

Today, I discovered that my dog is an aspiring underwear designer, her latest project being creating crotchless underwear. Mine seem to have been used as prototypes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 071

You deserved it 4 040

17/06/2018 05:00

Today, I found a leather book in my husband's sock drawer with "BRO CODE" on the front. It was blank except for the last page, which said, "NICE TRY SUSAN BUT EVERYONE KNOWS BRO CODE IS UNWRITTEN AND FOR GUYS ONLY". Well-played, husband. Well-played. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 260

You deserved it 4 407

11/07/2016 21:16

Today, I was at work and a guy walked up holding his phone with the camera facing me. He then looks up at me and says, "I'm not taking a picture of you. I'm just trying to catch a Pokemon." And here I was thinking that I looked nice today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 714

You deserved it 2 436

28/03/2014 01:17

Today, I'm in Venice for a romantic weekend. While I was gushing about the gondolas, canals and the city of love in general, the only thing my boyfriend could say was, "Wow! How cool is it to be on the set of the Tomb Raider movie?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 396

You deserved it 8 982

15/02/2013 01:08

Today, I had to yet again explain to the guy I live with that just because you can't see dirt, it doesn't mean it's clean. And so letting his dog lick the plates is NOT the same thing as washing up. He won't listen to me, and he uses my plates. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 320

You deserved it 3 396

It's not me, it's you

By Anonymous - 10/10/2021 15:00

Today, I went out with two new friends. While we were talking, they said that their mother had called them to go home. Later on, I saw them in the main square, hanging out. I wasn't creepy or disrespectful, and I don't know why they did it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 830

You deserved it 71

Send nudes

By Anonymous - 29/01/2021 17:01

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend said he regrets loving or even meeting me because of the distance between us, and because I won't send nudes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 889

You deserved it 253

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Top comments

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Wednesday 24 June 2009 23:13

A few years later, that cashier will have lost most of her senses down there and will probably need a jackhammer to her clit in order to get off. Shame. :-(

mubaki 18

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Wednesday 24 June 2009 23:01

hahahaha

Comments

mubaki 18

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Wednesday 24 June 2009 23:01

hahahaha

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Saturday 10 October 2009 11:35

This illustration looks so 80's..

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Sunday 11 October 2009 1:31

its sick as fuck though.

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Monday 12 October 2009 17:08

Heh, the image doesn't even show up for me.

greenltrn2003 0

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Monday 12 October 2009 17:15

me neither *snap**snap* get it together FML

madzi 0

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Tuesday 13 October 2009 2:02

What's wrong with that?

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Tuesday 13 October 2009 2:40

Illustration: http://jessathegreat.deviantart.com/art/FML-135613640

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Tuesday 13 October 2009 12:42

Rofl, awesome. :D Thanks.

hellokittywhore 0

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Friday 5 February 2010 3:08

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

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Sunday 14 February 2010 2:50

I will let you lick my clitoris

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Friday 4 June 2010 4:16

It's still amazing though @OP unlucky girl, that womans seems like the freaky type ;)

Give_Linux_A_Go 28

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Saturday 23 July 2011 11:52

what difference does it make that the cashier was "heavy"?

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Tuesday 10 July 2012 3:48

Wow! That image will haunt me forever! FML LOL

brown_eyed_girl 0

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Wednesday 24 June 2009 23:03

ewww

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Wednesday 24 June 2009 23:03

Awkward turtle. and LOL @ the username

yourmysunshine 0

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Wednesday 24 June 2009 23:04

ewww. tmi!

MeganH0LLYW00D 0

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Wednesday 24 June 2009 23:05

Lol. I would have hit her in the dome. "FOREHEAD TO DOME BITCH!"

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Thursday 21 August 2014 7:04

What the hell is wrong with you?

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Wednesday 24 June 2009 23:08

I personally have quite a few piercings too, I hope that doesn't happen to me!!

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Thursday 25 June 2009 3:37

There's a difference with cute chicks. Call me shallow, but yeah. Lol

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Thursday 25 June 2009 8:32

You SOOOO did not just call me ugly. lol that is fuckeddd up.

christopherlove 0

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Thursday 25 June 2009 17:24

He clearly just called you cute. I concur, but I won't call you smart. By the way, I have my penis pierced, but it doesn't give me orgasms unless somebody helps.

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Friday 26 June 2009 4:16

Well I'm not stupid.. I graduated high school and started college at 16.

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Friday 26 June 2009 11:55

Uh, so do most people. I've just finished high school and I am going to college next year (I'm 16 too) then to University...so yeah, you're not that smart...

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Wednesday 1 July 2009 5:36

I'm pretty sure that like 99% of the population graduates when they're 18.. Duhh.

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Saturday 10 October 2009 14:02

There are other countries in the world, honey.

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Saturday 10 October 2009 23:05

Owned

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Sunday 11 October 2009 21:48

you know... bragging about your brain doesn't make you sound that smart... just pretty shallow and self-absorbed. Lots of people are smart but you don't hear them going on and on about it.

moonfiresfury 0

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Saturday 17 October 2009 8:59

In the U.S. College and University are the same thing. Most people stay in highschool until they're 18, though to graduate at 16 really isn't that hard. =/. Credits are ridiculously easy to accumulate, and depending on the time of year you were born its really not that special if you graduate that young. But hey, the reply feature isn't really for debating stupid comments, now is it? *shames self* OP- Thats quite the story to tell! I'd be freaked out if anyone told me the state of their clitoris, pierced or not. I especially don't want to know if you're climaxing while working. TMI. I can't say FML, because you got one hell of a funny story to tell people, so no vote either way here.

BB7 0

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Tuesday 15 December 2009 18:18

half of the people I knew in college were 16 or 17 years old, thats no big deal

xXCherrryBombXx 6

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Sunday 10 June 2012 5:11

you're also an ugly slut... nobody wants to see down your shirt :) save it for the corners

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Wednesday 24 June 2009 23:10

And why didn't you get her number?

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Thursday 11 August 2011 2:07

Because she's a woman too...

afkwarrior 25

Monday 4 August 2014 3:20

what, lesbians don't exist?

L10N 0

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Wednesday 24 June 2009 23:11

If you were a man and she were attractive, it wouldn't be as much of an FML, but under these circumstances, thats just ewy. FYL

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Sunday 4 August 2013 1:47

'Cause everything's alright when the woman is attractive ...

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Wednesday 24 June 2009 23:12

*army of awkward turtles!!!*

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Thursday 24 May 2012 13:38

You just gave me the best mental image EVER :D

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Wednesday 24 June 2009 23:12

Sue for girl on girl sexual harrasment!! lol jk....that's just nasty!!

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Thursday 15 October 2009 7:17

ROFL, good one!