Love: Today, a girl invited me over to her dorm room at 3 AM. For some...

By Princeton - United States

Today, a girl invited me over to her dorm room at 3 AM. For some reason, I thought it would be a good idea to respond to e-mails just before. She said she was tired and then went to bed. I'm a F*ing idiot. FML

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Love

Commando

Out of it

Messed up

By das_shizzle - 2/5/2020 05:00

Entitled bitch

Today, after telling a student that she had to take the online test on the date that I had assigned, she whined to the vice president of the college, who then told my dean that he needed to do something about it. She made me offer testing days on multiple dates. So much for integrity. FML

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By NewlyDread - Canada - Toronto

Today, my boyfriend and I were looking at engagement rings. When the store owner asked about our budget, my boyfriend said with a straight face, "Nothing too expensive, I have a big penis so I don't have to overcompensate by buying a big diamond." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my wife created a "Points Reward" system for the privilege of sex. 10 points for doing the dishes, 20 for the laundry, etc. How many points do I need before I can have sex with her? 2300. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newark

Today, I found out what a bottle of regurgitated wine looks like on white bedsheets. FML

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By kat - United States

Today, I work at a debt collections center and I had to call my own father. Merry Christmas. FML

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By me - United States - West Babylon

Today, I managed to infect a clean computer with a virus while looking up info on how to rid my other computer of the same virus. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 6-year-old daughter threw a tantrum in the middle of a store, all because I wouldn't buy her a pushup bra. FML

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By colebear - United States

Today, I went to hand in a job application, and the supervisor wanted to ask me a few questions. I was nervous so I kept touching the fabric on a nearby display table. Only after I left did my friend tell me it was a pantie display, and that I was fondling underwear. FML

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By FunTimes - Canada

Today, my mom got drunk and tried to push me off a ladder. FML

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By sup - Canada - Chicoutimi

Today, I found out why I've had cockroaches in my bathroom - my landlord didn't bother to finish the wall behind my bathroom sink. There are literally holes that go straight from my bathroom to the garage downstairs. FML

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By hairycarrie - 28/8/2020 04:49 - United States

Splitting hairs

Today, although the I’ve always kept my pubic hair neat and trimmed, my boyfriend once again complained that I don’t shave. When I told him that shaving is uncomfortable and risks ingrown hairs, he sulked and said, “But it’ll look so much better!” He needs to lay off the porn. FML

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By blahppl14 - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend got high and decided to text all our friends and family the crazy stories about us. He was even nice enough to include pictures. I hear a nude one made it to my Dad. FML

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By Etrius - United States - La Grande

Today, I went to get my hair cut. My stylist had the greatest tattoo of a rat on her arm. I spent the whole appointment thinking about how cool the tattoo was, and what an interesting person she must be to choose such a thing. So I complimented her on it and she said, "Oh it's a wolf." FML

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By lastalittlelonger - United States

Bragging

Today, I received a text from my boyfriend telling me how much I wore him out the night before, from all the sex we were having. We had sex for two minutes. FML

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By limeychefboy

Today, I was on my motorbike 200km from home in the middle of nowhere when I needed to poop, so I found a wooded area and did my thing. As I was climbing back up, I knocked my helmet from its perch and watched it roll right into what I’d just left. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, whenever I do something that the kid I am babysitting likes, he pats me on the head and says "good girl". I'm whipped by a seven year old. FML

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By angry girlfriend - Canada - Montreal

Today, I found out via Facebook status that my boyfriend is going to Hawaii with a group of friends, including his ex-girlfriend for a few weeks. When I confronted him about it, he said he didn't think I needed to know, and to mind my own business. I think I'm about to be single. FML

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By angryman

Today, I was playing what became an extremely intense game of hide-and-seek with my best friend's sister. I finally found the perfect place, so I slid down into the bath and began to cover myself. She popped up out of nowhere and said, "FOUND YOU!" I got so scared that I punched her in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Red Sox Nation

Today, my girlfriend called saying that she wanted to break up because she wasn't into me anymore. Yesterday, I paid $400 to take her to a Red Sox game, so I asked her why she even came with me. She said that she had been talking to her ex-boyfriend, and he said he was going to that game too. FML

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By Cress

Today, my dad asked what I wanted for my birthday. The only thing I wanted was the complete series of Dragon Ball Z on DVD. He just sighed, shook his head, and asked me to pick something normal. FML

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By Abcporn - United States - Portland

Today, I went to work at my job as a secretary. I had been given the task to file my boss's collection of Playboy magazines alphabetically by name of the centerfold. There was one for every month from the years of 1980 until now. FML

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By pigtails - United Kingdom - Thetford

Today, management told me that I couldn't have a doorbell on my door. How did they get my attention to tell me this? By ringing my doorbell. FML

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By GavinHosler - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend and accidentally called her Brad (one of my roomates name) when I came. Now her and her friends think i'm gay and my roomate Brad moved out. FML

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By Littlethings1 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, my hair got stuck in my umbrella. I asked for help from passers-by, but all I got was weird looks as they hurried past me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Roanoke

Today, my mom found a new fad, and now styles herself as some kind of modern druid. Normally I'd just roll my eyes and deal with it, except she's forced the entire family to go vegetarian, threatening harsh punishments if we refuse to stop "poisoning" our bodies. FML

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By BeerSlut - Portugal - Santa Marta De Penagui?o

Today, my mother called me a slut and unladylike because I prefer beer instead of wine. Apparently, beer's only for "unladylike sluts". FML

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By failuretolaunch2 - United States

Today, my boyfriend managed to orgasm by humping my leg. I'm beginning to think I am dating a puppy. FML

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By emma209 - Canada

Today, it's -20°C outside. Half way through my thirty minutes walk to work, my boss pulled up beside me in her car, said "You look cold. I'll see you at work." And then drove away. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I asked my school counselor in strict confidence for advice on how to help a friend of mine, who has bulimia. When I got home, I found out that "someone" had called my parents and told them that I'm bulimic. They won't believe the truth. FML

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By noraidk - United States

Today, a few friends and I ran through sprinklers at our school until we were all soaked. Then we were told that they put fertilizer in the water. I'm soaked in manure. Now I know why it tasted weird. FML

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By idiot - United States

Today, I was sitting in my car waiting my shift to start. I must've fallen asleep because I woke up to a call from my boss firing me. I was in the parking lot. FML

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By pinocchio - United States

Today, during my honeymoon, my wife and I finally went scuba-diving. My nose was too big to fit in the face goggles, so I couldn't go. My wife went without me anyway. FML

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By Iamfurios

Today one of my flatmates told the rest of us to stop using the toilet after 10pm cause he's a light sleeper and the flushing noise wakes him up. After arguing about it, he gave us his 'permission' to use the toilet, but only if we don't flush until the next day. Guess who is always the first to wake up? FML

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By KatrinaKitten - United States

Today, I went to a Japanese restaurant, where the chefs cook the food right in front of you. Our chef tossed an egg in the air, but sadly didn't catch it. Don't worry though, my hair got it instead. FML

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By grossed the f out

Today, I found out my boyfriend of two years, the father of my son, has been the pervert who has been harassing my mother with weird texts and pictures of his knob. The cops told me after we went to the police station to report it and catch the creep. FML

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By Chipper - United States

Today, I was playing piano for a wedding rehearsal. Bored, I decided to pass the time playing through a book of music I found in the piano bench. Some time later the bride turns to me and screams at me to stop. I had turned the page and had begun to play "Let's call the whole thing off." FML

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By Username

Today, I asked a girl I liked what she was doing tomorrow night. She replied, "Cleaning, so nothing really." I then asked her out to dinner. She declined. FML

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By windsoffate - United States - Portland

Today, as I was getting ready for work, I heard a noise almost like someone was puking all over the bathroom floor. When I went to check, my 14-year-old son was puking all over the bathroom floor. The toilet, however, was pristine. FML

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By artclasstrauma - United States

Today, in my art class we had to paint a nude portrait of a fat, old woman. About halfway through the piece, and while painting her fat rolls, I realized she was the only person other than myself I had ever seen naked. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my brother found 100 bucks in his coat pocket. He was so happy he bought 2 new games for his x-box. He was borrowing my coat. FML

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Top comments

By christopherlove | 0

#130860 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 23:24

[quote]I'm a fucking idiot.[/quote] Nope, you're just an idiot.

By Bee123_fml | 0

#10084 - Sunday 1 March 2009 16:48

are you serious?

honestly u deserved that one.....you lost a chance to get laid man.

COMMENTS

By MCart_fml | 0

#1169 - Wednesday 11 February 2009 1:34

#6 thanks for saying everything on my mind. If a girl invites you to her dorm room at 3am, it's usually a good idea to go directly there.

By maiden_girl | 5

#2131 - Saturday 14 February 2009 13:24

LOL @#9... seriously... she said to come over by 3am and you said, "give me a moment while I check my email...?" Hahaha.

By Bee123_fml | 0

#10084 - Sunday 1 March 2009 16:48

are you serious?

honestly u deserved that one.....you lost a chance to get laid man.

By Mamu1977 | 0

#25752 - Wednesday 11 March 2009 3:01

Ha ha * 1,000,000

By x_eyebrows | 0

#74161 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 5:01

You obviously weren't in a big hurry to get over there if you decided to check your e-mail before leaving. So rude, so lame. You deserved that one.

By 3daysgrace | 0

#84946 - Sunday 5 April 2009 21:32

what #9, #5

By Benatron | 0

#86074 - Monday 6 April 2009 4:46

It's called a blackberry/iphone.

Buy one and check as do the nasty.

By christopherlove | 0

#130860 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 23:24

[quote]I'm a fucking idiot.[/quote] Nope, you're just an idiot.

yake12 | 0

#910240 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 7:03

LOL epic win^^

emILYforever | 0

#4266205 - Friday 6 April 2012 11:49

FTW

By 24788 | 6

#156224 - Thursday 30 April 2009 11:42

Did you really need to check your emails before hand?

By Dunne147 | 0

#181243 - Saturday 9 May 2009 5:00

I hope those emails were really fucking important! come on man...just drop everything and go next time.