Love: Today, a girl invited me over to her dorm room at 3 AM. For some...

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 94

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 212

You deserved it 24

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 490

You deserved it 133

22/01/2009 20:34

Today, a girl invited me over to her dorm room at 3 AM. For some reason, I thought it would be a good idea to respond to e-mails just before. She said she was tired and then went to bed. I'm a F*ing idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 745

You deserved it 47 806

Love

This Charming Man

Walk on the wild side

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

01/06/2014 22:15

Today, I told someone about my degree in technical theatre with a concentration in lighting design. They looked at me and said, "You're paid $52,000 a year to turn lights on and off?" And technically, that's correct. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 461

You deserved it 12 467

03/07/2015 19:29

Today, I told my boyfriend that I love him. He replied by telling me to fuck off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 581

You deserved it 3 455

18/10/2014 21:43

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend jerking off to what I thought was porn on his phone. He was actually beating it to Siri's voice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 377

You deserved it 4 668

20/07/2009 07:10

Today, the guy I've been sleeping with for the last three weeks got really drunk. I drove him home from the party and took care of him. At 2am he asked for the phone. When I asked what for, he said he wanted to drunk dial his girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 924

You deserved it 12 761

04/06/2009 12:17

Today, I was driving on the motorway when a cop car made me stop. It was a routine check and when they said "Have you been drinking?" of course I said no. To that, my 6 year old sitting in the back screamed "Yes she did! She's lying I saw her drink!" I had drunk a milkshake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 111 036

You deserved it 7 145

19/07/2009 22:02

Today, I went into a restaurant and sat at a bar near three guys who appeared to be 19 or 20. They did not acknowledge me. 15 minutes later, my burger arrived. They all ran over to ask me about it. I haven't been hit on in months. My cheeseburger is more attractive to men than I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 072

You deserved it 6 893

Smoothie with a kick

By Anonymous - 02/07/2021 02:01

Today, I made myself a smoothie with fruits and wild greens, which tasted much better than it looked, so I licked the splashes off the blender’s lid. Including a stray leaf that didn’t get blended. Which turned out to be stinging nettle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 329

You deserved it 768

25/07/2013 16:17

Today, I helped my buddy write a sweet love letter to his girlfriend. After reading it, she dumped him for being an "Edward Cullen wannabe", and when my girlfriend found out, she dumped me for "cheating" on her by writing the letter in the first place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 775

You deserved it 6 117

Awkward…

By ApolloandDixie - 23/12/2009 06:17

Today, my mom and I were going to the store. I stayed in the car while she went in. In the car next to me, there was a dog in the driver's seat barking at me. Bored, I barked back at it until I realized there was someone in the passenger's seat watching me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 196

You deserved it 35 273

03/05/2016 15:06

Today, I tried to charge my phone at school by removing the socket for the fan. All the computers in the room turned off. I accidentally removed the power cables for the computers and got suspended. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 174

You deserved it 15 018

11/08/2012 00:45

Today, I discovered that when a cyclist tears down the street, slaps you across the face as he passes, looks back laughing and flips you off, then crashes into a lamppost, he'll still blame you and threaten to sue, even after you rush over to check his injuries. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 690

You deserved it 2 535

18/03/2009 13:02

Today, I received an e-mail from the girls at work. It was an invite to lunch but it said, "Lunch today at Camber's, PLEASE don't tell Francoise, I don't think any of us can take any more of her!" I'm Francoise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 86 897

You deserved it 19 416

30/08/2013 17:24

Today, I was playing with my phone after midnight, and I kept getting calls from a withheld number. The guy just breathed heavily and wouldn't speak. When the third call came, I asked "who the hell are you?" The call ended, and my dad yelled from outside my door: "ME! Now go to sleep!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 057

You deserved it 14 424

16/07/2019 04:01

Today, I approached my mother for comfort, because I've been feeling depressed and unloved by anyone lately. She replied, “Honestly, I stopped loving you back when you were a toddler.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 154

You deserved it 120

15/09/2016 21:11

Today, a cute guy complimented me on my legs. I, being the awkward person that I am, panicked and replied, "Thanks, I grew them myself." FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 094

You deserved it 2 303

30/10/2009 04:17

Today, I discovered that just because I get unwanted erections on an hourly basis throughout the day, it doesn't mean that I can get required erections in the night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 516

You deserved it 2 578

Sneaky Bitch

By RescuePups - 30/04/2018 09:00

Today, my 8-week-old foster puppy pooped on my backpack as I was getting ready to go to work. In the 10 seconds it took to grab cleaning supplies, another foster dog ate my homemade breakfast sandwich off the counter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 258

You deserved it 779

20/10/2016 11:12

Today, my boyfriend dumped me by getting his mum to message me on Facebook. I got the message while I was packing for an overseas trip to visit him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 814

You deserved it 666

10/06/2012 09:16

Today, I went to meet my girlfriend's parents at her sister's play. The moment I introduced myself, I realized that her father was my probation officer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 287

You deserved it 20 442

24/07/2019 05:00

Today, I was cutting potatoes. I was cutting them slowly, being careful, but my mom told me to cut faster, that I wouldn't cut myself. I cut myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 416

You deserved it 356

11/06/2011 11:12

Today, my five year old daughter came up to me and told me she wanted to be a nun. When I asked why, she replied, "So I won't get my heart broken by a boy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 016

You deserved it 7 802

Vultures

By Anonymous - 12/05/2020 20:00

Today, after spending a few weeks getting to know my birth father and thinking he seemed decent, he's realised my adoptive parents aren’t rich and no, I can’t lend him a few grand. Now, he’s vanished and written several nasty Facebook posts about not being able to trust family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 215

You deserved it 228

29/01/2013 04:44

Today, I was telling my boyfriend how proud I am of him for finding a really good job. He interrupted me to tell me that my breath smelled like his cat's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 310

You deserved it 8 827

23/02/2015 01:41

Today, I hit my head on the steering wheel when I sneezed. I managed to honk the horn and the guy next to me couldn't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 524

You deserved it 5 195

07/02/2019 02:00

Today, my boyfriend left me for his sister. No, not my sister. His sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 692

You deserved it 204

17/10/2014 22:30

Today, I woke up to my daughter crying, and my son running through the living room completely naked with her bottle, laughing his head off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 659

You deserved it 3 790

25/05/2013 22:13

Today, a group of guys came into my restaurant, dressed up in some kind of role-playing game clothing. Apparently I pronounced one of their fake elf names wrong, because the guy complained to my manager, who then bitched me out in front of everyone for upsetting the customers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 550

You deserved it 4 831

22/07/2009 04:27

Today, I finally figured out who has been stalking me for the past 5 months. And we're related. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 015

You deserved it 3 084

22/03/2012 20:17

Today, I twisted my ankle during a round of golf, after trying to do a fancy jumping high five. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 227

You deserved it 26 072

Lonely

By GinaD - 02/05/2021 11:01

Today, my friend got an engagement ring. She’s been with her boyfriend for 2 years and it started as a one-night stand. Whenever I have one-night stands, the only thing I get is left on "read". FML

I agree, your life sucks 401

You deserved it 644

23/04/2011 01:39

Today, a very attractive girl moved in across the road from me. As I was leaving, I noticed she was looking out her window at me. I tried playing it cool, only to end up tripping over my own feet, hands in pocket, and faceplanting the hood of my dad's car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 033

You deserved it 20 193

15/02/2013 05:53

Today, I walked past a few of my coworkers sitting outside smoking. As I got a whiff of the smoke, I coughed. They immediately started to defend their habit, and I was told to "mind my own fucking business." I wasn't trying to be rude; I'm actually allergic to cigarette smoke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 152

You deserved it 4 125

16/12/2013 16:44

Today, I was taking a shower with my boyfriend. While we were washing our hair, he got soap in his eyes and mouth. I was facing him, and since his eyes were closed he didn't realize how close I was. When he spat the soap out, it went straight into my eyes. Neither of us could see. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 454

You deserved it 6 875

21/12/2015 21:50

Today, my relatives told me that when I stay at their house for the holidays, I'm no longer allowed to be out past 10 because somebody drugged my drink once. I'm a 25 year old man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 303

You deserved it 1 813

24/06/2009 00:56

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting it on, and listening to loud music when she suddenly looked worried and asked if I heard something. I said no and continued. Moments later, three firemen opened the bedroom door and told us to get dressed and go outside because the building was on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 818

You deserved it 9 772

01/01/2010 08:16

Today, it is New Year's Day. While all of my friends are out partying, I stayed home and mastered level 34 on FarmVille. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 580

You deserved it 36 851

17/02/2017 06:00

Today, at the hairdresser's, I fell asleep while my hair was being washed. My barber had to shake me awake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 073

You deserved it 1 052

09/01/2013 19:23

Today, my dad learned that it's possible to power a lightbulb with a potato. Since then, he's been going around the house removing all the plugs from the wall and plugging them into potatoes instead. He's absolutely baffled as to why it won't work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 503

You deserved it 2 718

Good boy

By Anonymous - 09/12/2020 23:02

Today, I told my mom that the puppy she was cuddling had a piece of dried poo stuck to its butt. Her reaction was to pluck the poo with her bare hands, put it on the coffee table next to my food and continue cuddling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 867

You deserved it 95

25/02/2017 07:00

Today, I learned the hard way why no matter how constipated you are, it is never a good idea to use a suppository when you are tired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 210

You deserved it 1 150

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Top comments

christopherlove 0

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Tuesday 21 April 2009 23:24

[quote]I'm a fucking idiot.[/quote] Nope, you're just an idiot.

Bee123_fml 0

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Sunday 1 March 2009 16:48

are you serious? honestly u deserved that one.....you lost a chance to get laid man.

Comments

MCart_fml 0

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Wednesday 11 February 2009 1:34

#6 thanks for saying everything on my mind. If a girl invites you to her dorm room at 3am, it's usually a good idea to go directly there.

maiden_girl 5

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Saturday 14 February 2009 13:24

LOL @#9... seriously... she said to come over by 3am and you said, "give me a moment while I check my email...?" Hahaha.

Bee123_fml 0

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Sunday 1 March 2009 16:48

are you serious? honestly u deserved that one.....you lost a chance to get laid man.

Mamu1977 0

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Wednesday 11 March 2009 3:01

Ha ha * 1,000,000

x_eyebrows 0

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Wednesday 1 April 2009 5:01

You obviously weren't in a big hurry to get over there if you decided to check your e-mail before leaving. So rude, so lame. You deserved that one.

3daysgrace 0

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Sunday 5 April 2009 21:32

what #9, #5

Benatron 0

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Monday 6 April 2009 4:46

It's called a blackberry/iphone. Buy one and check as do the nasty.

christopherlove 0

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Tuesday 21 April 2009 23:24

[quote]I'm a fucking idiot.[/quote] Nope, you're just an idiot.

yake12 0

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Wednesday 3 March 2010 7:03

LOL epic win^^

emILYforever 0

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Friday 6 April 2012 11:49

FTW

24788 6

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Thursday 30 April 2009 11:42

Did you really need to check your emails before hand?

Dunne147 0

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Saturday 9 May 2009 5:00

I hope those emails were really fucking important! come on man...just drop everything and go next time.