By Kim - 17/7/2020 23:01

To the window, to the wall

Today, I saw my boyfriend using a washcloth to clean his cock and sweaty balls. He told me he's been doing this for quite some time now. Guess who's been using the same washcloth to clean her face. FML

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Dangling modifier

Banished

Don't you know that you're toxic?

By Anonymous - 20/8/2019 20:00 - Canada

Today, I was refereeing at a kids' soccer tournament and a deer ran across one of the fields. Some of the parents then claimed that a deer on the field meant a free kick. FML

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By bigmouthedmommy - 13/4/2015 05:35 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my husband and I caught our 12-year-old son "experimenting" with a 5-foot tall stuffed Mickey Mouse. He even made sure to rip Mickey's pants off. FML

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By yoggabe - 18/8/2012 20:34 - Mexico - Villahermosa

Today, I found out that my six year old cousin has a raging crush on my boyfriend. She lives across the street and watches from her window for his car to appear in front of my house. She's indicated that she'll stop at nothing until he's hers. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2014 18:29

Today, I told my boss I have a sore throat. He replied, "Well, don't take it so deep next time." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/2/2013 07:14 - United States - Fort Collins

Today, after having lost my phone three days ago, I paid a $150 non-refundable fee to have my phone replaced and mailed to me by Tuesday. A half hour later, I found my original phone. FML

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By 3 More Months - 30/9/2013 06:02 - United States - Stanford

Today, I got paired up with a coworker for a three-month project. All he talks about is how attractive my girlfriend is and what he would do with her. FML

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By Waterfalls - 7/10/2014 11:33 - United States - Carlsbad

Today, I stood up too quickly and got dizzy, so I sat on the edge of the bed to regain my balance. I started dozing off to sleep again, got confused, and peed down the side of my bed thinking I was on the toilet. FML

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By crippled - 8/7/2014 08:40 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I helped my dad push our broken-down truck from the driveway onto the tire ramp. Truck didn't make it; neither did my leg. FML

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By sore - 21/10/2009 08:27 - Australia

Today, I was paintballing when I got shot in the stomach and winded. As I was gasping for breath on the ground, someone came up and shot me point blank in my crotch. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2011 02:24 - United States

Today, I got into a car accident. The other party left the scene immediately after without exchanging insurance information. Deer can be so rude. FML

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By stinky skunk - 5/9/2011 04:04 - Canada

Today, my dog ran away. It was dark, so I couldn't see very well, but I ran after him anyway. Thinking I had caught up to him, I grabbed him. It wasn't my dog. It was a skunk. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2014 03:42 - Australia - Wheelers Hill

Today, I decided to dye my hair blue. The result is slightly different than I expected: my white bathroom is now blue, and so are my skin and nails. The only thing that isn't blue is my hair, which is now green. FML

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By drivencrazy - 6/7/2010 16:42 - United States

Today, while driving, a girl on her cellphone cut me off. A second later, another person behind me on a cellphone rear ended me. Her excuse was, "I'm sorry, you weren't there a minute ago!" FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2013 20:10 - United States

Today, I went to a local Indian takeaway, since I'm from India originally, and none of my friends speak Hindi. I went up to the counter and placed my order in Hindi with the seemingly Indian owner. He gave me a weird look and said, "Huh? Speak English, ya rimjob." FML

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By Kenton - 15/6/2019 00:14

Today, my older brother called me in the middle of the night to describe to me, in painstaking elaborate detail, the Yamaha commercial he'd just watched. FML

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By Phobic_fml - 28/6/2019 22:22

Today, I saw the engagement announcement for the girl I've been in love with for 10 years. FML

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1419

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By Partners - 22/6/2015 19:55 - United States - Alpharetta

Today, my boyfriend introduced me to his friends as his "sex partner." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2014 21:07 - United States

Today, I had a wonderful dream where I got married to the perfect guy, then had the best sex of my life on a beautiful honeymoon. The only problem is that my "husband" was the snowman from Frozen, and that I got sad when I realized it was just a dream. FML

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By ryjacs - 3/6/2011 20:22 - United States

Today, I received an email from my potential employers at the zoo, saying that they won't be hiring me. This wouldn't be so bad if they didn't keep sending me the same email every two hours to remind me that I am still unemployed. FML

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By what-the-what - 29/10/2017 13:00 - United States - Mount Pleasant

Today, my mother called me at work, freaking out about my dog, so I panicked. What was wrong? He had a hard-on and she'd never seen that happen before. FML

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3683

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By introuble - 23/8/2009 04:48 - United States

Today, as I was getting into work, I saw a co-worker of mine walking in front of me. We're really good friends and we joke around a lot, so I jokingly whistled at him and slapped his butt. Turns out it wasn't my friend, it was the new guy. Hello, sexual harassment charges. FML

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By jzappe - 11/10/2011 03:34 - United States

Today, I learned that it takes about half an hour to get melted cheese out of your hair. FML

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23761

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By xx-look-at-xx - 13/4/2013 00:14 - France - Auriol

Today, I was supervising some kids, who were playing on a bouncy castle. One of them managed to kick me in the face during a jump, and looking for an apology, I asked, "What do you say?" He paused, then shouted, "HEADSHOTTTTT!" FML

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By FMBs - 30/4/2014 23:40 - Puerto Rico - Guaynabo

Today, my girlfriend got the brilliant idea of trying out a sex tip dreamed up by one of the glorified trolls at Cosmo. I think my balls are broken beyond repair. FML

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By lonelyguy - 28/11/2009 03:02 - Puerto Rico

Today, I invited my crush to come and spend thanksgiving dinner with me and my family, she agreed but asked me if she could bring her friend. Turns out her "friend" was actually her boyfriend and they drank all the expensive wine I bought. FML

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32713

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By Tag - 7/9/2015 00:54 - Australia - Sydney

Today, a male friend of mine tried to kiss me. When I shoved him away and demanded to know what the fuck he was doing, he said he didn't think I was really a lesbian because I went on a date with a guy. Once. Over 15 years ago. FML

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By Mylifesucks - 23/5/2013 05:11 - United States - Lexington

Today, I was stuck in my apartment complex's elevator. I was shouting out for help when a voice came screaming, "This is the fire department." I was relieved until he said, "Just kidding." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2011 01:52 - Canada

Today, I went with my friend door-to-door selling chocolates. We went to the first house, and the guy decided to buy a chocolate from each of us. He didn't have change and neither did we, so he just took the chocolates and slammed the door in our face. FML

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By Squid - 21/2/2017 07:00 - Canada - Parksville

Today, my older boyfriend and I went shopping together. When we arrived at the till, the cashier looked at me and asked, "Is this your pop?" I replied "No, this is my boyfriend, but we get that a lot." She paused, pointed at the case of Coke in the cart and said again, "Is this your pop?" FML

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6533

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By MadSon - 11/10/2009 02:59 - United States

Today, my dad had something to tell me. He'd cleaned out my bank account to pay off 38,000 dollars worth of gambling debt. My wedding is in 5 months. FML

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51851

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By truckstopworker - 27/4/2017 02:00

Today, while working at my truck stop, I helped a trucker check his tires. He seemed like a pretty nice guy, and we chatted for a bit. After he took off and I walked back inside, I went to clean the shower he was in before. Turns out he took a shit on the floor. His wife had been in there with him. FML

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4686

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By fatcat - 5/9/2018 16:30 - United States - Tulsa

Today, I was told to stop processing certain transactions at work because I'd tried to make rich people follow the same tax rules that we force poor people to follow to the letter. I'm guessing it won't be too long till I'm fired and blacklisted from this career I've had ten years. FML

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2993

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2009 14:18 - United States

Today, I was wrapping Christmas presents for various people; 17 to be exact. It wasn't until I placed the last present on top of the stack that I realized I didn't put gift tags on any of them. FML

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12973

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By Awkwardly_dumped - 21/8/2018 14:30

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. When we took a break and went downstairs, he checked the mail. He had received a letter from his ex-girlfriend, which he opened in front of me. He then began sobbing on my shoulder and broke up with me. He still had to drive me home. FML

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3088

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By rholt - 14/1/2014 06:48 - United States - Baldwin City

Today, as I was taking out the trash, I spotted my cute neighbor doing the same. In a rush to get out before he went back inside, I slipped on my iced-over porch. I passed out and woke up with a note on my chest saying, "I unlocked your door but you were too heavy to drag inside". FML

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By LadyDeadpool88 - 4/2/2014 14:50 - United States - Laurinburg

Today, I'm a little over a month pregnant. My fiancé has decided that if we both act like I'm not pregnant, "the baby will get the hint and go away". FML

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59788

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By thedullard - 16/2/2009 05:35 - United States

Today, at the gym, I see a person laying unconscious on the ground with people crowded around. Previously being a lifeguard, and knowing CPR, I ran over and asked a man what happened, preparing to check his vitals. I then realized that the body was a dummy and the employees were doing a drill. FML

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By IPicasso - 27/3/2017 00:00

Today, my brother sent me over a dozen screenshots from his phone, because he couldn't work out why it wasn't capturing all the paint he'd managed to smear on the screen. FML

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3293

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By hardee fucking har yourself, sir - 7/8/2013 22:00 - United Kingdom - Stockport

Today, a guy started taking a leak beside me at the urinal. Evidently he figured he wasn't being enough of a cockbite, because he looked at my junk, laughed, "HAH!" then broke down into hysterics and totally lost control of his stream. I smell like piss. FML

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50465

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By cargaljen - 17/5/2014 21:34 - United States - Olathe

Today, a nice couple came in to buy a car. I offered to drive it out from the line of cars for them, since it was a tight squeeze. They then watched as I managed to back it straight into another car, causing a large amount of damage to both. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7923072 - Saturday 18 July 2020 0:47

I'm sure your face and his cock and sweaty balls have come in contact before and not with a washcloth as an intermediary.

By spinspinsugar | 6

#7923069 - Saturday 18 July 2020 0:31

I mean you do suck his dick, don't you? lol

COMMENTS

By Jaymail | 14

#7923053 - Friday 17 July 2020 23:41

You deserved this. Is there a shortage of washcloths in your home? Why?

By bloopaloop | 27

#7923061 - Saturday 18 July 2020 0:05

Oh I bet you love the way it smells

By spinspinsugar | 6

#7923069 - Saturday 18 July 2020 0:31

I mean you do suck his dick, don't you? lol

By Adam Michael Valenzuela | 7

#7923070 - Saturday 18 July 2020 0:36

You picked him. YDI

By RichardPencil | 28

#7923072 - Saturday 18 July 2020 0:47

I'm sure your face and his cock and sweaty balls have come in contact before and not with a washcloth as an intermediary.

By Sady_Ct | 36

#7923166 - Saturday 18 July 2020 12:17

Don’t you ever wash that cloth both regularly and before you use it every time?

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7923202 - Saturday 18 July 2020 14:50

And he can't teabag you directly because...?

By AmbrosiaFan | 18

#7923330 - Saturday 18 July 2020 22:51

why aren't you using a different one each time?

By Matthew Irmen | 9

#7923507 - Sunday 19 July 2020 13:46

...And?

By brenniman | 5

#7923726 - Monday 20 July 2020 4:38

What makes you think that his balls were sweaty?