TMI

Gift ideas

Today, I sent my mom an email with "Bad news" as the subject. At the end of her reply, she said, "And don't scare me! I thought you were going to tell me you're pregnant!" I AM pregnant, and wanted to surprise her on her birthday. Guess I should get her something less disappointing. FML

Mix up

Today, it's my birthday. I called my mom to thank her for the gift she'd sent. She was surprised and said, "Oh I thought you were waiting to open it." She ended the conversation with, "OK, I'll call you on your birthday." FML

Close to me

Today, I called my dad asking him to wish me a happy birthday. Yay. FML

Today, I missed a call from my mom. It's my birthday, and glad she remembered, I called back to thank her. She was surprised when I brought up going out for dinner, and asked me what the occasion was. FML

Today, my mother excitedly jumped up and down, announcing that one of her sweet younger coworkers got engaged. I wished she'd had the same reaction to my engagement when I announced it to her a few days earlier. FML

Today, I found out that I was conceived during a conjugal visit. FML

Cockblocked

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex. Just as we were ready, his mom called to wish us a happy anniversary. She was so excited for us, she was going to stop by. After throwing out our unused and only spare condom, she called us again and said she was just kidding, and to enjoy ourselves. FML

Happy Birthday baby!

Today, it's my birthday. My parents wished me a happy one via text message. We live in the same house. FML

Dumpy baby

Today, on my birthday, my mother described my birth like a large, painful bowel movement in front of all my friends. FML

Today, after telling my mother-in-law about my recent miscarriage, she cheerfully made a cake to celebrate. FML