By Anonymous - 9/1/2021 02:02 - United Kingdom - Swindon

Where you been?

Today, my boyfriend noticed a bruise on my hip. Apparently, he would rather believe i'm cheating on him, rather that I'm terribly clumsy at work. FML

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772

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Love

Cheating

The X Factor

Always call first

The World won't Listen

By TeaSea

Today, I told my class I was giving them 60 seconds to do a problem. A girl replied furiously "At least give us one minute!!" I teach a high school honors math class. FML

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5257

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445

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By Anonymous - Korea Republic of

Bad sandwich, bad week

Today, I went to the doctor's. I had food poisoning last week, which led to diarrhea. The diarrhea was so bad it caused a hemorrhoid. The hemorrhoid somehow became infected. One bad sandwich, and now I have an infected asshole. FML

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1690

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By qwerki4 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was coming home from work and saw an old couple overwhelmed by the number of people at the train station. It was peak hour and I decided to help them. As I went up to them, they said, "Get away, go mug someone else". FML

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21030

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1664

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By Anonymous - 2/8/2020 05:01

QUIET PLEASE

Today, where I live in Germany, you're supposed to be quiet between noon and 3 p.m., so people have a chance to take a nap or just eat lunch in peace, but 3 of my 4 neighbors seem to consider this the ideal time for any project that involves lawn-mowers and power tools. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1392

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186

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By Screw My Parents - United States - Barrington

Today, my parents confirmed we were going to be taking a Disney World trip for Christmas vacation. I already knew that we were taking a trip, but I was now missing a week of school. Being in 3 honors and an A.P. class, I said that I didn't want to go. I got called an "ungrateful, little prick". FML

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22192

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8533

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By hannah12345 - France

Today, my mother walked in on my boyfriend licking whipped cream off my nipples. FML

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15744

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31703

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2020 05:00

Trigger happy

Today, I was shot and arrested for trespassing. I'm a firefighter and I was saving a child. FML

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2228

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101

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By thanksmom - United States

Today, my mom paid $40 for overnight shipping on delivery of paint for my Art major dropout sister, but insists on making me wait two weeks for my diabetes medication. FML

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50838

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3199

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Shepton Mallet

Today, my boyfriend told me he'd drive me to the jeweler's to pick out a ring. We drove there, I picked the ring, and the sales person rang it up. I glanced at my boyfriend, only for him to reply, "Well don't look at me!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

17565

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1942

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By sufia - Pakistan

Today, I was traveling. At airport security, the woman patting me down felt something "down there" and asked me what I was wearing. I told her it was a sanitary napkin. She put her hands inside my pants just to be sure. FML

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15238

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1152

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By laviestpasimal - France

Today, I had six long hours with the same math teacher. To get home, I travel by bus. Guess who sat down next to me for the whole trip. FML

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27651

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2479

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By Fatty - United States

Today, I found out that I've been using a "Trick Scale" that my family bought to boost my self esteem so I'd think I was losing weight. I found this out at my physical, where I learned I have actually gained ten pounds. FML

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31450

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4862

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By Kyle - United States - Alpharetta

Today, I was told I look like a Simpson. I don't have blond hair, or any of the features of them. So I asked which one. I was told Homer because we both could use Weight Watchers and an education. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22418

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4331

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By Noname - United States

Today, after taping 5-year-olds do a skit at an improv camp, I used the camera's view-finder to zoom in on a female co-worker's chest. Another female co-worker tapped me on the shoulder to show that the TV was still connected to the camera. Parents, kids, and instructors all witnessed it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16172

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138068

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By AuntPeePee - United States

Today, I berated my five-year-old nephew for peeing on the floor. His mom bitched me out for expecting "a little boy to have perfect aim." That's funny, it looked pretty good when he dropped his pants, looked me in the eyes, and started to piss on my rug. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52352

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3538

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By john - United Kingdom - Reading

Today, the person I've been sharing my most intimate feelings with finally got bored and let me know I've been texting the wrong number for weeks. FML

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29114

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4975

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By DebitDebacle

Today, after my bank sent me a new card because the old one had been compromised, I woke up to find that it's already been used to start an Amazon Prime account and order several movies. The card to replace a compromised card has been compromised. FML

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3980

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239

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By 420SUX - United States - Federal Way

Today, I caught my boyfriend staring at my sister through the doorway while we were having sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32919

You deserved it

9445

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By Justme - United States

Today, I had surgery on my "girl parts" and can't have sex for six weeks. My boyfriend sees no need to spend any time with me until I heal up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53250

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7394

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By nofriends - United States

Today, we had to give a surprise speech in speech class on two of our best and closest friends. My first friend was my mom. I had to make up the other one. FML

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47186

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By hugme101 - Canada

Today, after a long time convincing my parents that my boyfriend is really a good guy, not only did he decide to come by the house completely drunk, but he also ended up trying to kiss my mom, thinking it was me. FML

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30988

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By awwshit - Canada

Today, I told the man I've been in love with for 3 years, who also happens to be my boss, how I felt. He responds by filing sexual harassment charges against me. FML

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18701

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34917

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my husband suggested a way for us to "make some money" off our pregnancy. His great idea? Pregnancy porn. FML

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44087

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5013

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Sundsvall

Today, I had a seizure while at the airport, ready to go on vacation with my family. We ended up missing our flight. My mom spent most of the ride home making cracks about how I'm always ruining things with my "dramatics". Sorry that I have epilepsy, mom. FML

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53641

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By angry girlfriend - Canada - Montreal

Today, I found out via Facebook status that my boyfriend is going to Hawaii with a group of friends, including his ex-girlfriend for a few weeks. When I confronted him about it, he said he didn't think I needed to know, and to mind my own business. I think I'm about to be single. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35583

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3581

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By Gameless Guy - United States

Today, I learned just how much change a toddler can stuff in to a Nintendo Wii. I also learned that those things are put together with special screws. FML

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27129

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4085

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By WasntMe - United States

Today, I was at the park playing Frisbee with my friends, when I saw a boy sitting on a bench looking rather sad. "Hey!" I yelled, and he looked up at me. I lightly threw the Frisbee in his direction, and it hit him in the face. He was blind. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59602

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18665

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By zarko - Croatia - Zagreb

The first step to solving a problem is admitting you have one!

Today, I created myself a Dropbox folder named "Traffic fines". FML

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3270

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5533

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By why - United States - Broomfield

Today, I'm no longer allowed to work the drive-thru at my job, because over the weekend, 3 dumbasses I go to school with came in and complained to my manager, saying I sounded a creepy pervert and that it scared them enough to take their business elsewhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26359

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1942

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I walked in on my parents necking in the living room. I promptly covered my eyes and muttered something about my innocence being stolen from me. My dad looked up from the couch, and mentioned that he had heard my innocence being stolen by Jake, my boyfriend from 2 years ago. FML

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10275

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40667

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By buymeadrank - United States

Today, is my long-anticipated 21st birthday! Today also happens to be the first day of my period. I've spent the whole morning in the fetal position with agonizing cramps, reduced to tears and whimpering while the painkiller refuses to kick in. Happy birthday! Love, my uterus. FML

I agree, your life sucks

95470

You deserved it

9267

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By ilovecowboys - New Zealand

Today, on the train to work, the train guard was hot and I became stupidly nervous. I'm very shy and was trying to avoid eye-contact. He said 'THANK YOU', in a pissed off tone of voice and glared at me. I had absent-mindedly been staring in the direction of his prosthetic arm the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26796

You deserved it

7005

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By puggles - United States

Today, I found out that my beautiful engagement ring is a remake of the late Princess Diana's engagement ring. I also found out my fiancé bought it from an infomercial, for $19.95. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37576

You deserved it

7728

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By scatter00x - United States

Today, I woke up around 5am from a party I had last night, still quite drunk. This chick was lying next to me from the night before. I kissed her, and about a minute and a half into some heavy making out, she opened her eyes and said, "Oh, it's you." Then got up and walked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36008

You deserved it

7043

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By WHAT A NICE GUY YOU ARE, SIR SHITSPAWN!!!1! - United States

Today, this weird kid in class asked me on a date. He claims to be a werewolf. His excuse for not being able to turn into one? A "rare disease." His excuse for everyone rejecting him? "Friend-zoning bitches." I was the last resort even for a jackoff "nice guy" werewolf. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41327

You deserved it

3692

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By cakefete2 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was reviewing documents at work, only to find one of my coworkers has been signing off on paperwork, claiming he's been walking one of the residents daily. Aside from being a double leg amputee, the patient died two weeks ago. The state review board comes this week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41203

You deserved it

3943

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By mortenp - United States

Today, the shy girl in my class decided to bring a cake to share with everyone, since it was her birthday. Excited about the cake, I got everybody to sing "happy birthday" for her, only to realize too late that nobody in the class know her name, myself included. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14115

You deserved it

44791

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By englishfail - United States

Today, I was teaching a class and my student pointed out that I used the wrong "your" while writing on the board. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7390

You deserved it

47925

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By Hoover

Today, my parents brought me to the doctor because I was faking a headache. One thing led to another, and it turns out I have a tumor pressing against my spine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3826

You deserved it

327

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By Buzz - France

Today, I was doing a Power Point presentation to the management committee. Outlook Express was still open, and right in the middle of the presentation, a window popped up notifying me of a new message. "Subject: our reply to your application for the post of Marketing Manager". FML

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22278

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Top comments

By Crowned Sataness | 6

#7963138 - Saturday 9 January 2021 3:18

yeah guys that paranoid need to go. they're usually the first ones cheating and projecting on you

By sarahcroy20 | 12

#7963157 - Saturday 9 January 2021 7:35

How does a bruise on your hip equal cheating? He apparently has trust issues.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7963137 - Saturday 9 January 2021 2:43

It could be both at the same time. Maybe you're a ho?

By Crowned Sataness | 6

#7963138 - Saturday 9 January 2021 3:18

yeah guys that paranoid need to go. they're usually the first ones cheating and projecting on you

Yummi_913 | 15

#7963430 - Sunday 10 January 2021 20:38

True true. I see it all the time.

By sarahcroy20 | 12

#7963157 - Saturday 9 January 2021 7:35

How does a bruise on your hip equal cheating? He apparently has trust issues.