By Anonymous - 9/1/2021 02:02 - United Kingdom - Swindon

Where you been?

Today, my boyfriend noticed a bruise on my hip. Apparently, he would rather believe i'm cheating on him, rather that I'm terribly clumsy at work. FML

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Love

Cheating

Late term

A saint

Thanks Felicia

By datingfail - Australia - Northcote

Today, I went on a date with a guy who told me his main aim in life is to live alone in an isolated lighthouse. FML

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12735

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1107

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By Nicky_ham - Canada - Regina

Today, a 65-ish year-old man told me that he's married and not supposed to look at other women, but that I tempt him. All while sitting next to his wife, who then told me I was going to hell. FML

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24529

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1624

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By GettingNone - France

Today, my wife asked me to pop an ingrown hair near her crotch. We haven't had sex since last September. Popping her ingrown hair was the closest I've gotten to my wife's vagina in nearly nine months. FML

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73096

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6203

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered that just because I got my braces removed does not mean my painful mouth ulcers will stop. I now have them under my tongue. I can't even lick my lips. FML

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25282

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2616

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By RedHotRoses

Today, I walked into my office and found my ex-roommate going through my desk. Apparently, despite not wanting to be friends or even speak anymore, he has no qualms about "borrowing" my Master's thesis so he can compare and write his. FML

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4214

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268

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By AnonymousUser - Australia - Brisbane

Today, feeling desperate, I asked my dad for advice on how to get a girl. He asked me why I want to even date. I panicked and said I just wanted to make someone happy. He told me that if I wanted to make someone happy, I should "just start by getting a goddamn vasectomy". FML

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23189

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2703

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By toosmall

Today I got a $60 parking ticket for not paying the $2.50 pay-to-park fee. I checked my bank records, which proved that I'd paid the fee, for the correct space too. The problem is the ticket is too small to contest in traffic court. FML

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12640

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886

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By anon - United States

Today, I tried to wake my boyfriend up to sex. When I went to touch his penis, he elbowed me in the face, mumbled an apology and began snoring again. FML

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29399

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5872

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By that girl. - United States

Today, instead of having my friends come pick me up, my dad drove me over to visit them. He insisted on walking me up to the door, hugging me goodbye, and making sure my friends were appropriate enough to hang out with. I'm in college. FML

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27392

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3521

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my wife actually had the balls to tell me that we can't have sex for the rest of her nine month pregnancy, because according to her, "I don't want twins." FML

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45593

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12389

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out I was pregnant. I told my boyfriend, who held me and promised it'd be all right, and he'd never leave me. One sandwich later, he'd forgotten about the whole thing, and dumped me when I reminded him. FML

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42023

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By stupiddrunk - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up after a night out drinking on my sofa, with an electric dog collar around my neck and handcuffs on my wrists. The keys were on the other side of the invisible doggy fence. FML

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15987

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39204

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By spougeineye1 - United States - Tacoma

Today, I realized that due to my obsession with House MD, I seem to have subconsciously developed a limp in my right leg. FML

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9296

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29795

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By LukeyBoy - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking down the road when a twat on a quad-bike smashed into my leg. It seems that I should've been "walking on the right side of the pavement." FML

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24769

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3623

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By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend of 6 years broke up with me. Why? I was late for our date. We arrived at the restaurant together. FML

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1831

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147

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By WhyMe - United States - Wareham

Today, I went to work with a great attitude, something that doesn't happen often. It was shortly ruined after some lady yelled at me because I accidentally shorted her one penny. Yep. One single penny. FML

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27154

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3873

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By Dragoness11 - United Kingdom

Today, at a cheap restaurant, my dad asked me if I wanted a straw. I declined, saying I wanted to do my bit for the environment and not waste plastic when I'm fine without. He grabbed three and dropped them on the sticky table, "just in case." FML

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1582

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474

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my three-year-old daughter rushed in, excited about her new baby brother or sister. She was so excited, I didn't have the heart to tell her men can't have babies, and I just have a beer gut. FML

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32879

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15730

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By me - United States

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. I had only been dating him for about a month. Thinking he wouldn't take it very hard, I invited him over so I could tell him in person. Little did I know he was going to start crying on my couch and not leave for 5 hours. FML

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36021

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10699

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By Me - United States

Today, my neighbors coated their house in flashing Christmas lights and blared out "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" all day long. Only 29 days left until Christmas. FML

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28464

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3338

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I just found out that my current boyfriend and my ex-boyfriend are rooming together at college. Visits are going to be extremely awkward. FML

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56388

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6721

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered that my new landlords must meet and approve guests of mine before they come over, and guests are not allowed when they aren't home or past 11pm. I'm 25 years old and just moved out of my parents' home to get away from my controlling mother. FML

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31610

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4060

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By clapping_for_you

Today, in a private discussion, my teenage son confessed to me he finally lost his virginity several weeks ago. Why did he confess? He came to me to ask why it all of a sudden hurts when he pees, and asked if it could have anything to do with it... FML...

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3125

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369

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By Username - United States

Today, I spent $500 buying my lost cat back from a jerk who thought it was his. I get home and my mom tells me that she'd sold it to the same guy for $10 because she thought the cat was ruining my love life. FML

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40799

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6410

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By ldrik1 - United States - Syracuse

Today, my psycho neighbor finished building a cannon. An honest-to-god, on-wheels, could-be-on-a-pirate-ship cannon. And now he's testing it in the forest by my house. I'm pretty scared for my life, to be honest. FML

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45056

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4775

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, tears and 3 hours on the toilet have made me reevaluate my desire for new culinary experiences. FML

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25814

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2785

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By Anonymous - Canada - Port Hardy

Today, my boyfriend's transition into an annoying hipster is complete. It started with the not-really-necessary nerd glasses and the Mötley Crüe t-shirt, the final straw being the affected British accent. I'm considering where to dump the body. FML

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29380

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3218

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By PartTimePrincess - United States

Today, my sister, who knows I'm severely afraid of heights, got me tickets to sky dive for my birthday. When I reminded her of my fear, she stated that she forgot and should just keep them for herself and her boyfriend. My mom agreed. FML

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50081

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4099

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By bananayellowteeth - United States

Today, I went to the dentist. After drilling my teeth for what seemed like hours, he gave me a long speech about how if I continue to smoke, the yellowing of my teeth won't be the only problem. I don't smoke. I never have. FML

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52742

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9052

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By LivingInMisery - United States - Cape Girardeau

Today, I was supposed to have my advising appointment for my next semester of college. When I got to campus, it was windy and raining so heavily that my clothes were sopping wet within a minute of stepping out of my car. My advisor didn't show up. FML

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3881

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252

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By areyouserious - United States - Fresno

Today, my older brother thinks typing out a Wikipedia article for an essay is not plagiarism, because he didn't "copy and paste" it. He's in college. FML

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32886

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2475

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By SwingingChili

Today, to prove a point to my brother that playing the lotto isn't a sure thing. I got a $10 scratcher. Thinking I'd get nothing or maybe just another scratcher, I ended up winning a free scratcher plus $100. The second scratcher I got an additional $50. Now he's even more confident to win every time. FML

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23567

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4623

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By Not Again!

Today, while riding a massive draft horse, the horse thought it would be fun to walk under a very low apple tree that sat level with his back. A branch hit me and made me fall off onto a coil of barbed wire, twisting my ankle in the process. FML

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1614

You deserved it

319

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By Anon - United States

Today, I was called an assortment of names and was almost followed home by a crazy bitch. Why? Because I stated that it was unsanitary for her to bring her dog to a grocery store. She clearly disagreed. FML

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24592

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7534

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By NoRingForMe - United States - Stamford

Today, I went into hysterics and started crying when my boyfriend pulled out a Tiffany's box at dinner. Then I found out he'd used the old box to make the $15 earrings he bought seem more "special." FML

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26792

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my mom doesn't know my phone number, but she does know the names of both of David Hasselhoff's daughters. FML

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24460

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3921

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By Jack - United States

Today, I was in minding my own business in bed in my dorm room. It was dark and my roommate came over, intending to slap my ass really hard. The problem is, I was lying face up. FML

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36878

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2973

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after breaking up with my boyfriend, some of my friends decided to take me to a comedy club for a girls night. My friend's jealous husband decided he had to come along, then decided to invite my other friends' boyfriends. I ended up being the seventh wheel on a night meant to cheer me up. FML

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44676

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3837

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By smh - United States

Today, my mom and dad played rock, paper, scissors over who gets to spend the night with me in the hospital tonight while I have surgery. FML

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50916

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4273

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my mum was in a bad mood, so I tried to cheer her up by telling her I love her, and giving her a hug. She slapped me hard enough to leave a red, hand-shaped mark on my face, and told me to fuck off with my "sarcasm". FML

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Top comments

By Crowned Sataness | 4

#7963138 - Saturday 9 January 2021 3:18

yeah guys that paranoid need to go. they're usually the first ones cheating and projecting on you

By sarahcroy20 | 12

#7963157 - Saturday 9 January 2021 7:35

How does a bruise on your hip equal cheating? He apparently has trust issues.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 29

#7963137 - Saturday 9 January 2021 2:43

It could be both at the same time. Maybe you're a ho?

By Crowned Sataness | 4

#7963138 - Saturday 9 January 2021 3:18

yeah guys that paranoid need to go. they're usually the first ones cheating and projecting on you

Yummi_913 | 15

#7963430 - Sunday 10 January 2021 20:38

True true. I see it all the time.

By sarahcroy20 | 12

#7963157 - Saturday 9 January 2021 7:35

How does a bruise on your hip equal cheating? He apparently has trust issues.