By Anonymous - 11/4/2020 20:00

Stir crazy

Today, I was so bored under quarantine, I spent 2 hours on a colouring book for toddlers. I need human contact, any human, desperately, before I start talking to the walls or seeing pink elephants. FML

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1321

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Rock, hard place

Work name

Great boyfriend

By Anonymous - 21/9/2019 04:04 - United States

Heavy

Today, a 100-foot maple tree fell on my house. I was inside. I was sleeping. FML

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1625

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2010 05:04 - United States

Today, I was applying some acne ointment. The directions said, "Apply a thin layer, covering the entire affected area." In other words, for me: My entire face. Lovely. FML

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25329

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4170

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By Jobless - 7/9/2010 23:27 - Canada

Today, I had a job interview. The moment I walked into the room, the interviewer said "Ok, I will interview you, but there is no way I'm hiring you." FML

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32099

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4183

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2011 02:35 - United States

Today, I was at my boyfriends house, in the bathroom. I noticed a pregnancy test in the trash can. He lives alone. FML

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41351

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3106

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By TooQuick - 27/4/2016 12:19 - Mozambique - Maputo

Today, after a 2-hour meeting, I rushed to take an urgent dump. Unbeknownst to me, my urine was not hitting the porcelain bowl, but rather the underside of the lid. As it pooled around the pedestal, it soaked my pants, underwear, and when I stood up to button my pants, it got on my shirt too. FML

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10781

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2717

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By brokenhearted - 19/1/2016 14:59 - Sweden - Kung?lv

Today, I told my boyfriend he's the only good thing left in my life. That's not a healthy relationship dynamic, he said, and ended up breaking up with me. FML

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21888

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3522

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2013 05:01 - United States - Monterey

Today, my grandmother made a rule that every time we take a crap, she has to examine the turds to make sure they aren't big enough to clog up the pipes. I don't know what's worse: that she looks at my turds, or the fact that she actively comments on them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49139

You deserved it

3595

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By nicole - 27/5/2011 20:52 - United States

Today, I saw a hot guy at the laundromat. Wanting an excuse to talk to him, I tossed a pair of my red underwear into his washer. What I didn't realize was that he was washing his whites. Thanks to me, he now has an entire load of pink shirts and boxers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9311

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By touristtraphotel - 11/8/2016 18:58 - Puerto Rico

Today, my former boss is threatening to keep my last paycheck until I return a skateboard that a guest forgot at the hotel about a month ago. She was the one who gave me the order to put it in the trash. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14736

You deserved it

832

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By moudly - 6/1/2010 21:28 - United States

Today, my mom finally believed me when I said I smelled mold. I lifted up the couch, and it was covered in mold. So were the bottoms of all our furniture, our beds, and my grandma's vintage chair. We've been living in mold for the past 4 months. FML

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31476

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4933

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By Urinator - 16/9/2015 18:26 - United Kingdom - Inchture

Today, I invited a girl back to my house and she seemed cool. I then left to go to the toilet. When I came back, there was a giant wet patch on the rug. The girl then blamed it on my dog, whose picture is on the wall. My dog died last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27571

You deserved it

1891

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By kb - 18/11/2013 06:38 - United States

Today, my mother gave me a bottle of stool softeners as a gift at my baby shower. FML

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36586

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4009

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By notgoodenough - 25/11/2011 17:20 - United States

Today, we were going around the table, telling everyone what we were thankful for. My girlfriend said she was thankful for her vibrator, because I can't please her like it can. My family thought this was funny. FML

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43208

You deserved it

9158

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By Username - 19/5/2011 15:13

Today, I finally started my dream job. I turned up for work with a huge smile on my face. Imagine how much my face dropped when I saw that I had to share an office with the girl I stood up last weekend. FML

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11938

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2019 13:59

Time for a BBQ

Today, my friend hit a bird with her car. She asked me to get it off for her, so I reluctantly complied. It came off. In pieces. FML

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1425

You deserved it

177

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2015 07:00 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, at the swimming pool, I thought it'd be funny to sneak up on my 5-year-old daughter underwater and surprise her. I grabbed her by the sides, and she shrieked. A moment later, a brown cloud erupted from her swimsuit. Cue screaming and a mass panic from the other kids. FML

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23975

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12394

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By Soph - 25/3/2013 21:53 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, during a sex ed lesson, we were given a lecture on pregnancy and abortion from the school nurse. Throughout the session she kept repeating, "Of course, Sophie knows ALL about this." The nurse happens to know that my dad's a gynaecologist. That's not what everyone else in the year thinks. FML

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47530

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2847

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2015 14:33 - United States - Canyon Country

Today, I walked in on my mom blow-drying my grinning dad's pubes. FML

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36095

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By Bobsaget00 - 4/8/2011 10:19 - United States

Today, I realized burying my dog underneath our swing-set was a bad idea. My two sons are now scarred for life. FML

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9814

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50367

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By MBoomer - 16/11/2016 06:36

Today, I found a great parking spot but I wasn't sure if it was restricted by any means or of I could just park there for free. I asked a police officer walking by and he told me it was alright, only to come back 4 hours later to find a ticket on my windshield. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11287

You deserved it

932

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By Anonymous - 3/2/2012 22:49 - United States

Today, trying to pocket a little extra cash for himself, my dad responded to multiple babysitting ads on Craigslist, accepting them all on my behalf. I despise children with all my heart. FML

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29911

You deserved it

8786

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By embarrassed - 31/1/2012 03:54 - United States

Today, my sister set it so all the Yahoo articles I read are published on my Facebook wall. This would have been fine had I not decided to read, "Does the gynecologist care if you shave?" FML

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28380

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5334

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By Katrina - 13/2/2011 22:32 - United States

Today, I was busily having fun with my girlfriend, when suddenly the bedroom door opened and a man walked in, picked me up, and threw me outside the apartment. I was naked and didn't even know she was into men, much less had a husband. FML

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48323

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9500

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By chumman - 6/5/2014 13:55 - United States - New York

Today, I met this overweight chick and ended up sleeping with her. We were doing it doggy style and it was great until she said, "Milk me like a cow." I can no longer drink milk without hearing that in my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57945

You deserved it

20829

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2011 07:26 - United States

Today, I applied for a dental insurance that claims "you cannot be denied". I was denied. FML

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34820

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3499

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2014 05:30 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I was at a basketball game. Sitting in the bleachers, I looked over at my friend and said, "Number 33 has a really cute butt." The man in front of us turned around, looked me dead in the eye, and said, "Thanks." Number 33's dad was a very proud father. FML

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51606

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - 26/3/2016 15:36 - United States - Mckinney

Today, my 5-year-old daughter said "Mommy, why doesn't anyone wanna marry you?" I've been asking myself the same question for all too many years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20811

You deserved it

1927

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By bit - 30/7/2009 10:01 - United States

Today, me and my girls went to get revenge on a girl who slept with my boyfriend by egging her house. Her house was too far away so we decided to get her truck. We wasted a carton of eggs on her driveway because we all have terrible aim and look incredibly stupid for missing so bad. FML

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8455

You deserved it

64212

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By schnegg - 23/4/2016 17:33 - Switzerland

Today, the firm I work at informed all the employees about our annual staff trip. So, we're going to a tomato festival and everything is already planned and booked. I'm allergic to tomatoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19295

You deserved it

1339

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By klsdhjla - 15/2/2010 01:23 - United States

Today, while losing my virginity to my boyfriend, I had my first orgasm. I don't remember much of what I said during, but after it was all over, he looks at me and says, "You have terrible grammar during climax." FML

I agree, your life sucks

25091

You deserved it

5527

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By gotanewmouse - 26/9/2011 10:37 - New Zealand

Today, I saw my co-worker sneeze into his palm, get up, walk to my desk and smear his hand all over my computer mouse. He then went back to his desk and continued with his work. Last week we had a workplace awareness meeting about my OCD and fear of germs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33832

You deserved it

6763

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2019 04:00

Definitely done that

Today, at work, I put my earphones in to listen to some music. An hour later, I realised I never pressed play. FML

I agree, your life sucks

692

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1029

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2010 02:20 - United States

Today, I got married. Tonight, I received the best orgasm of my life. Not from my husband; from the jacuzzi tub in our honeymoon suite, where he was passed out drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40261

You deserved it

5003

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By mpetitto - 15/8/2016 00:44 - United States - Fairmont

Today, I received an "I miss you" text from my ex of 4 months, who I still love dearly and would give anything to get back together with. Yesterday, I slept with his best friend, convinced I'd never hear from my ex again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9631

You deserved it

18363

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By deadinavan - 13/10/2010 12:57 - Germany

Today, I found out the man I'm getting a ride from drives a windowless van and is "excited to see me". My friends had encouraged me to sign up for the cheap-ride program because it was less expensive than taking a train. If I never come back, look for a windowless van somewhere in Europe. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27102

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5140

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2011 21:16 - United States

Today, I had to break up a fistfight between my wife and mother. Apparently, my mom heard that I finally got the great paying job of my dreams, and told my wife I'd finally kick her "useless ass to the curb." We have to spend the holidays together. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30479

You deserved it

3547

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By Black Cat 13 - 4/9/2010 06:52 - United States

Today, at work, a little girl was misbehaving. Her dad told her that she would look like me when she grows up. The little girl look horrified while Daddy laughed and kept reassuring her he was "just kidding." FML

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35998

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By diapersplease - 7/6/2015 01:17 - United States - Buffalo

Today, I found out my husband potty trained my stubborn three year old son who prefers diapers. He managed this by peeing with him and "sword-fighting" with their urine streams. I now have to clean pee off the ground every time he urinates. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28295

You deserved it

2691

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By cjbutterfly96 - 17/12/2015 15:54 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with a guy for the second time, and he was helping me buy a Christmas present for my dad. I excused myself to go to the bathroom, and when I came out, he was gone. He left me alone and took my dad's present with him. FML

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23328

You deserved it

2247

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2016 17:59 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, as usual, I got to my internship early, did everything my bosses asked. At the end of the day, I was fired after 3 weeks of working unpaid overtime because they found an applicant with more experience for the job I applied to and they wanted to cut costs. FML

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10809

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Top comments

By pbruins84 | 16

#7896778 - Saturday 11 April 2020 20:39

These days there are also coloring books for adults.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7896793 - Saturday 11 April 2020 21:09

What's wrong with pink elephants?

They are very scared of cars and hide when they are around. Now, with no one driving, I'm enjoying seeing them lumber down the street.

Comments

By Skylar Scudder | 2

#7896757 - Saturday 11 April 2020 20:05

I went down that road too 😂

By pbruins84 | 16

#7896778 - Saturday 11 April 2020 20:39

These days there are also coloring books for adults.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7896793 - Saturday 11 April 2020 21:09

What's wrong with pink elephants?

They are very scared of cars and hide when they are around. Now, with no one driving, I'm enjoying seeing them lumber down the street.

By Jaymail | 13

#7896829 - Saturday 11 April 2020 23:44

Look up www.meetup.com. Whatever your interest you’ll find people in your same city that enjoy the same things as you.

Phr0zen | 11

#7896896 - Sunday 12 April 2020 8:23

Can he even still Meetup with social distancing?

Jaymail | 13

#7899160 - Monday 20 April 2020 8:01

It depends on which meetup group you select

By markm1969 | 3

#7897165 - Monday 13 April 2020 2:04

There is a thing called a phone and apps like Skype to help you connect! Just ask all about it!!

By John Nemeth | 14

#7897246 - Monday 13 April 2020 10:02

PINK ELEPHANTS ON PARADE!

By wysegirl | 16

#7897447 - Monday 13 April 2020 20:49

You should be lucky you can be in lockdown. Some people that are worried about bringing the virus home to their families.

By icecreamisrad | 13

#7897696 - Tuesday 14 April 2020 16:49

Actually coloring is one of the easiest ways to get your body to mediation mode and full relax!