By theDarkandtheLight - 11/6/2017 20:00

Star Bores

Today, my boyfriend and I binged Star Wars. Now he keeps talking about how the Empire is superior to the Republic, digging up Reddit threads / YouTube videos / expressing his own political ideas to convince me of this. I just wanted to watch the movies. FML

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Season finale

Great speech, thanks!

Basic Instinct

By Gracie-Ann - 1/7/2013 06:38 - United States - Portland

Today, my fiancé paid a visit to my parents so he could ask my dad's permission to marry me. My dad responded with, "Why buy the cow when you can milk it for free?" FML

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By wellokthen - 26/11/2019 18:00 - United States - Birmingham

Bed move

Today, my friend sent me a link to a porn video. The guy in it was my boyfriend, the girl in it wasn't me, but they were in my bed. FML

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By secret meat - 21/6/2014 02:04 - United States - Framingham

Today, after being a vegetarian for 5 years, I found out that my boyfriend of 2 years has secretly been feeding me meat. His reason is that he thinks it's "funny" that I still call myself a vegetarian afterwards. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2020 17:00

Assumptions

Today, I found out that most of the people I work with secretly refer to me as the "designated bottom" because they assumed from my slight stature and soft spoken personality that I was a submissive homosexual. My wife thinks it’s hilarious and keeps grabbing my ass to make me jump in shock. FML

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By journeytotheend - 14/7/2012 06:55 - Canada - Surrey

Today, I went to city hall to pay for a parking ticket. After returning to my truck, I found a parking ticket on my window. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/4/2017 20:00

Today, I was running late for my morning gym class. I grabbed a near-empty drink bottle on my way out, intending to fill it up at the gym. Mid-workout, I reached for my bottle and took a big mouthful as I headed over to fill it up. To my great surprise, it was not water but straight vodka. FML

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By bad_luck - 31/12/2011 15:51 - United States

Today, my boss sent me home from work because she saw me not checking under my customer's cart to see if they had any hidden groceries. I didn't check because the customer threatened to "kick my ass" if I "accused him of stealing" by checking. FML

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By mannydanny - 1/9/2011 23:40 - United Kingdom

Today, I asked my Dad if it was true that my mother had a C-section at my birth. He replied "Yeah, so technically you weren't even born, you were surgically removed, like a tumor." FML

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By sadsexer23 - 16/2/2010 03:10 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriends virginity and had given it my all. When I had finished, sweating and tired, I looked down at her and smiled, obviously pleased with myself. She looked up at me and said, "Wait, was that it?" FML

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By Double Standard - 12/10/2018 08:30 - United States - Menasha

Today, my boss yelled at me for having Facebook open at work. That's fine, I closed it and continued on with my work. In a meeting later on I could see the reflection of my boss's laptop screen in a mirror behind her desk. For two hours, I watched her scroll through her Facebook feed. FML

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By kirstiexoxo - 7/2/2012 08:11 - United States

Today, I had a package stolen from my porch. It was a shipment of customized M and M's for a Valentine's gift. I spent $60 for someone else to eat "I love you" messages. FML

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By down1dog - 26/7/2020 20:01

RIP in peace

Today, while out of town, I got a hysterical phone call from my teenage nephew who was pet-sitting at my house. My geriatric dog, who seemed fine when we left, had died during the night. Now my family is mourning the dog and my nephew is traumatized. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/4/2017 08:00 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I overheard my parents arguing over who had to tell me that I'm adopted. FML

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By KN - 25/6/2009 14:13 - United States

Today, I went to go give my boss a high five for a job well done. I missed his hand and accidentally slapped his ass on the way down. FML

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By anotherdayfml - 4/3/2020 21:00

Strong incel vibes

Today, I told a guy that I was on birth control. He decided that it would be best for us not to continue speaking with each other. I never would've thought taking care of myself would be a deal breaker. FML

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By lollipopgreen - 1/10/2011 12:33 - United States

Today, I walked into a gas station to get a bag of chips. Upon moving towards the counter to pay, I noticed the cashier had what looked like a golf ball stuffed in his cheek. I said to him in a joking manner, "That's a huge pinch of dip!" His reply, "It's mouth cancer." FML

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By Anonymous - 15/4/2009 06:19 - United States

Today, I saw a commercial for some sort of meaty beef dish. The camera zoomed in and my mouth watered because it looked so delicious. Then flashed the next scene: golden retrievers running through a field and eating from their bowl. My mouth just watered for a dog food commerical. FML

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By to_complicated_4_u - 4/5/2015 16:28 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I got screamed at to the point of tears by a Starbucks employee for "giving an obviously fake name" to confuse one of the employees. I told her my real name. My name is Ian. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2015 20:47 - Poland - Warsaw

Today, my roommate called me, but she's a cunt so I ignored her. A few hours later, I found out her mom and dad were in a serious car accident and she needed a ride to go see them at the hospital. FML

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By giantblueballsthesizeofjohnnysinscock - 19/12/2014 23:14 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, after six long, hard years of involuntary celibacy, I was finally about to get laid. Except it was just a dream, and in it my mom stormed in just as things got heated, called me a useless cunt, and told me to go do my chores. I guess my brain forgot I moved out years ago. FML

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By "jonnybones223" - 8/3/2019 04:00

Today, I was awakened by my father saying how proud he was of his little boy. I assumed he meant me, since I landed an apprenticeship in the same union he's worked in for 25 years. Turns out he was speaking about his cat, who left a dead squirrel next to my bed. I stepped on the damn thing. FML

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By wow - 9/8/2011 04:01 - United States

Today, I was getting my picture taken. The woman taking it told me to smile, so I did, showing my teeth. She said, "Please, be serious about this." Slightly offended, I smiled with my mouth closed. She then said, "If you can't be serious, we won't do this." FML

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By bass - 22/9/2009 01:50 - United States

Today, I got a call from a prominent orchestra asking me to play with them. They were especially interested because I'm still in high school. I called to accept only to find out that my mother had already declined the offer for me because I "only" have a 3.7. FML

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By Ew - 26/5/2016 13:02 - United States - Washington

Today, I went for a three-mile run. I was really proud of myself until I woke up from my dream in my bed, surrounded by empty soda bottles and fast food bags. I haven't worked out in years. FML

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By fuck my liBLARGHSLJNAdlajdSzxz - 5/9/2013 16:39 - Sweden - Solna

Today, after my grandma did some early Halloween costume shopping, I witnessed her modeling a "sexy nurse" outfit. After seeing her bare thighs and most of her ass, I don't think I can eat cottage cheese ever again. FML

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By anonymous - 4/8/2015 20:56 - United States - Ballwin

Today, while shaving in the shower, my mother banged on the bathroom door to tell me something, right as I went to shave under my left armpit, causing me to jump and cut open my nipple. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2010 05:38 - United States

Today, I accidentally bumped into the fire alarm which set off a high pitch buzzing noise that could be heard throughout the entire dorm. It went on for at least two hours and none of the technicians could figure out how to turn it off. All the girls on my floor want to kill me. FML

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By Melting in Texas - 9/8/2016 18:56

Today, I discovered that my freezer had died when I saw the contents oozing out the bottom. The now-full trash can won't be picked up for another 6 days, and the high temperatures are supposed to be in the 100s all week. FML

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By angela - 9/4/2020 23:00

Busted!

Today, I went to a party. Although I wasn't drinking, I was still afraid the cops would bust me. Halfway through the party, the cops showed up. I tried to hop a fence, ripping my pants and cutting my leg in the meantime. It wasn't until was on the ground that I found out there was a gate. FML

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By alliwantisabandaid - 11/2/2011 08:27

Today, I cut my finger deep on an envelope at work and started bleeding profusely. When I asked my co-worker for a band-aid, she told me to get back to work and stop making up excuses to try and hit on her. FML

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By unit - 7/7/2010 04:19 - United States

Today, I finally got around to organizing my closet. Discarded clothes fell into three distinct categories: Too Small, Yellow Pits, Stained with Food. FML

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By fishwizard - 2/6/2017 20:00

Today, I used a tanning bed at my local gym for the first time. I went in for the full allowed time of 9 minutes. I went to school after and everybody said I looked like Trump. Confused, I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. My skin is orange and matches with my bleach blonde hair. FML

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By igotsbadluck - 17/7/2013 21:44 - United States - Smyrna

Today, while walking into a hotel room, I passed by a full-sized mirror. My reflection scared me so badly that I punched the mirror, which then shattered and resulted in several cuts to my hand. FML

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By kraussy - 4/5/2009 06:28 - United States

Today, I went to the eye doctor and they used dilating eye-drops on me. After I left, my vision was still pretty blurry. I walked to the subway and when I went to step onto the train, I missed and my whole left leg got stuck in the gap. The train was delayed 10 minutes because of me. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2012 19:18 - United Kingdom - Eynsham

Today, I attempted to wax my "lady area". It hurt more than losing my virginity. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2016 13:17 - United States - New York

Today, on Thanksgiving, I asked my kid what she is thankful for. "My tablet." I had just told her I was thankful for her. FML

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By firefly02255 - 1/10/2019 14:00 - United States

Bullseye

Today, some troopers forced my family out of our house with no shoes or enough clothing. Even the baby was half naked. We were told we can't go back for at least another 12 hours. Why? Because my mental neighbor was shooting at the house. FML

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By MoRuined - 9/10/2014 10:27 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, I found my first grey hair. How? My boyfriend stopped in the middle of sex to point it out. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/11/2009 14:04 - United States

Today, I though it would be funny to go on my boyfriend's facebook to change his status. While in the process, his account received a message. Turns out he's planning on hooking up with his ex girlfriend/one of my friends and is definitely over me. How's that for snooping around? FML

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By notsohappy - 18/2/2009 21:14 - United States

Today, was the first time I had sex with a guy I really like. I took off my shirt and my bra and he said "wow, that's disappointing." FML

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Top comments

By fern559 | 13

#7468818 - Sunday 11 June 2017 20:46

Well the Empire lost to a bunch of ewoks so they can't be that superior.

By CrazyTrainWreck | 19

#7468813 - Sunday 11 June 2017 20:32

Something something Dark side, something something complete

COMMENTS

By 1DisGR8 | 32

#7468802 - Sunday 11 June 2017 20:05

This is exactly me but with Game of Thrones. I totally understand your boyfriend.

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7468811 - Sunday 11 June 2017 20:29

Sounds like you unwittingly turned your boyfriend to the dark side.

By The Corruptionist | 5

#7468812 - Sunday 11 June 2017 20:32

Why don't you just spam or delete his Reddit?

Reply

Arashikage | 18

#7468846 - Sunday 11 June 2017 21:53

You don't need an account to be on reddit

By CrazyTrainWreck | 19

#7468813 - Sunday 11 June 2017 20:32

Something something Dark side, something something complete

By fern559 | 13

#7468818 - Sunday 11 June 2017 20:46

Well the Empire lost to a bunch of ewoks so they can't be that superior.

By Fwippy | 7

#7468827 - Sunday 11 June 2017 20:59

Congratulations, you're dating a Space Nazi.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7468850 - Sunday 11 June 2017 21:58

Just tell him that you won't compromise, but William Shatner is the best Captain Kirk, case closed.

His Death Star head will explode and you'll be free to find a boyfriend who keeps Sci-Fi in perspective as a form of entertainment.

Reply

Lalala579121 | 27

#7468874 - Sunday 11 June 2017 22:59

I liked the part when Harry Potter and Frodo had the light cycle race on the Kessel Run.

Reply

RichardPencil | 28

#7468876 - Sunday 11 June 2017 23:03

You take that back or I'll have HAL kick you in the Spaceballs.

Reply

galacticstorm | 6

#7469242 - Monday 12 June 2017 16:38

This hurts my soul.

Reply

Zebediabolical | 37

#7470925 - Thursday 15 June 2017 23:16

The Doctor and Rose had a hard choice to make I still think they were right when they didn't try to save Alderaan.
.

By jjmeow | 10

#7468901 - Monday 12 June 2017 0:09

When I watched Star Wars for the first time, it was with a good friend who's more or less (more, I'd say) obsessed. I got the whole package - commentary, trivia and random facts, lore, theories, jokes... plus a few sessions of Battlefront and X-Wing!

By Zebediabolical | 37

#7470916 - Thursday 15 June 2017 23:08

It's not like he's wrong or anythig.