Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. It was going well until she started talking dirty, saying stuff like, "You like my tushy, baby?" "I want to fellate you so bad," and "You'll need some ice after this one." My boner practically retracted into my body. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my girlfriend came over to my house. Hoping to get a little action, I started to make out with her. Unfortunately I was wearing basketball shorts so when I got an erection, all she did was bat it back forth like a cat toy. FML
Today, while having sex, my fiancé started talking dirty. I enjoyed it, until he had a brain fart and said, "God, you love fucking my pussy." FML
Today, my normally-prudish girlfriend grabbed my crotch and said, "I want you to fuck me like I've never been fucked." I obliged. She loved it, until after we'd finished, when she decided that she felt "cheap, gross, and used" and started a huge fight. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were getting frisky, and I whispered that I love him. He immediately lost his boner, and a few minutes later "remembered" he had to be somewhere else. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. She was on top, and then stopped, got off, and said, "Let's go get ice cream." I think this was her way of telling me I suck at sex. FML
Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. When she went to give me a blow job, I got embarrassed and told her I'd rather just please her instead. Now she thinks she's inadequate and I'm being a jerk. FML
Today, while getting it on with my wife, I started to talk dirty to her. She started laughing. When I asked her if she wanted me to stop, she just kept on laughing. FML
Today, I was making out with my girlfriend, and things started getting pretty hot. That is, until I tried to remove her shirt. Somehow, I managed to grab her pajama shorts and give her a violent wedgie. FML
Today, things got pretty steamy between my boyfriend and me. We started doing stuff that neither of us had tried before. Then, he straddled me with a raging erection and boomed, "IT HAS RISEN!" He didn't understand why I was suddenly no longer in the mood. FML
Today, as my wife and I were getting intimate, I thought I would try a little "dirty talk". I whispered in her ear that I would "dick her down good". She couldn't stop laughing. FML
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Top comments
Glitterhinoceros 14
Yeah, that's not very attractive >.>
GrooveTurtle 0
She be trollin?
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Comments (308)
TehPuffin 1
Bahahahaha. I gotta try this shit now.
201019tony89 0
I don't know I kinda like the kinki bit it all how u set ur mind bro next time just clear it and put it into over drive lol
sodapopper 6
My girl used to say penis, it was terrible
crazy_vet_tech 10
Well, OP, next time your girlfreind starts to 'talk dirty' and says that she wants to fellate you give he what she wants. Stick it in her mouth and have her go to town on you. You'll probably both get turned on and you won't have a retreating problem any more. Have fun! ;)
starkes 0
And that when you get a poker face.
withasmile 3
For god's sake, relax. Even in ****, talking dirty can sound ridiculous. Sometimes my husband can say all the right things and other times it makes me want to laugh. So I either focus on how it feels or better yet - kiss him. You can't talk when your mouth is busy - hint, hint...
gman90210 18
Ya that sounds like fun.
Krulin 8
Lmfao that made my day
ashguy18 0
At least she speaks well:p
DevilDog0402 1
You're gay