By Tristan - 30/7/2020 02:01

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Today, while messaging a possible new hire to set up an interview at my retail job, I meant to say, "Thank you for being flexible" - in regards to scheduling. Instead, it autocorrected to, "Thank you for being delicious." FML

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Horsing around

Damn squares!

Thanks Felicia

By itachi desu

Not so wise, eh?

Today, I got my wisdom teeth removed. While under the influence of the drugs, I tried to speak Japanese. Later, my Japanese roommate informed me that I was saying "I am a weasel" over and over again. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2020 02:00

Impatience

Today, my dad asked me to help him buy a laptop by searching online. He explicitly said, "When you have time." I decided to shower as I had just woken up. While showering, I was startled by loud banging and my dad angrily asking why I wasn't looking for his laptop. FML

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By Anonymous - Israel

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. I was sad, but the only thing my mom could say was, "You should have waited until I got him to mow the lawn." FML

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By Savy - United States - Phoenix

Today, I have a better relationship with the machinery I've given names to at work than my actual coworkers. FML

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By epictothemax - United States

Today, I went home for my grandma's 95th birthday. While there she noticed my new tongue piercing and asked why I would get it done. Before I could reply, my cousin says "So she can can make the boys happier when she's sucking on them." She's 9 years old. FML

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By Jedi2500 - United States

Today, as I was leaving for work, I discovered my neighbor had just passed away. I found out when I came across his body lying in my front yard. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my house got robbed, while I was upstairs taking a dump. FML

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By leah

Whooped

Today, I was standing in the shower drying off when my sister came in the bathroom. She must have thought I was a burglar because she hit the shower curtain and punched me in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found a note on my door that said "I masturbate to your pictures on Facebook." Someone else wrote "like" at the bottom. FML

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By boredtothemax - United States - Hammond

Today, I gave a talk in my management class about creating effective presentations and holding people's attention. Go figure, pretty much nobody paid any attention. FML

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By therewasnocurtain - United States - Lewiston

Today, I visited my sick grandpa for a few hours in the hospital. His roommate, also an elderly man, wouldn't stop masturbating. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Craig

Today, I am so unused to physical activity that I got exhausted and fell asleep on my yoga mat not even halfway through the DVD. FML

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By fucked up dad - Romania - Bucharest

Today, after I got turned down for yet another job, my dad glanced up at me and casually remarked that porn is always a stable market. FML

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By pogodrake - United States

Today, I got a call from the girl I'd really like to date to meet up for drinks. Excited, I walked out my front door, slipped on a patch of ice, and dislocated my shoulder. She won't go out on a date with me now because I "ditched her". FML

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By drop dead single - United States

Today, on our third date, my date tried to get me drunk and kept trying to touch me up. When I said he was moving too fast, he sighed and soon left. Just minutes later, he posted on Facebook saying "Just got friendzoned -_-". One of his friends commented: "I hate bitches, man." FML

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By Gassy - Australia - Rydalmere

Today, I heard a noise outside in the middle of the night, so I went out for a look. I'm also pregnant and can't stop farting. I get 2 steps outside and accidentally let a huge one rip, then, from the shadows I hear "Oh my god!" and then running in the opposite direction. I farted away a prowler. FML

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By Kilania

Today, my boyfriend was talking about video games. Bored of the subject, I started kissing his neck and chest in hopes of him to stop talking and getting some action. He did stop, only for him to say about a minute later, "You're lucky my games can't do this." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I fell into a hole. And by hole, I mean a sewer. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I woke up to what I thought was my 9 month old son breastfeeding. It was my boyfriend. According to him, he wanted to experience what his mother never gave him as a kid. FML

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By DBR - United States

Today, my alarm went off. I reached to swat it, missed, slipped, smacked my face on my dresser, and fell on the floor. As I picked myself up off the floor, I hit my head on the open top drawer of my other dresser. In 30 seconds of consciousness, I was attacked by two pieces of furniture. FML

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By mr.nobody - Cyprus

Today, after I sent around 300 entries to a competition hosted by a deodorant company where the main prize is a trip to Hawaii, spending around 5 hours sending the entries, I won a deodorant. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was driving to work and I got a text from my girlfriend. She said she was breaking up with me. I was a little heartbroken, but I had to get on with my day. I got to work and my boss fired me. Turns out, my boss and girlfriend have been having an affair and she told him to fire me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that I'm 8 weeks pregnant. Tomorrow, I'm supposed to be leaving for Paris with my college abstinence group for a year. FML

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By LadyDean - United States

Today, my boyfriend came home, chugged a beer, and passed out in our bed without saying hello or goodnight to me. I've been on vacation for a week and was hoping to cuddle. But no, if I try to touch him, he hits me and growls. FML

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By Anonymous - India

Today, I left my brand new iPhone on the counter, and went to get its cleaning cloth. My grandmother saw a mosquito, and used my iPhone as a fly swatter. I now have a broken iPhone. Good news though: no more mosquito. FML

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By PoopTart - United States

Today, I gave my sister a stun gun for her birthday since she recently had a couple "close calls" walking home from work late at night. She was so excited and thankful that she wanted to express her gratitude by shocking me to see if it really worked. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Winston Salem

Today, my coworker and I were discussing our office's lack of break room, and how we should suggest a picnic table for our upcoming landscaping. We concluded that someone would let their dog steal our lunches if we ate outside. Working at the vet's sucks. FML

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By dolceconfuoco - United States

Today, I have an ear infection, and everything I hear echoes inside my head. I'm an orchestra teacher, and we have our first concert next week. FML

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By hborkowski - United States - Asheville

Today, I went to a urinal next to an elderly gentleman. As I was doing my business, he zips up and begins to leave. On his way out, he leans over my shoulder and whispers in my ear, "That's nice". FML

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By minibuch1505 - France - Halluin

Today, as I was waiting for my girlfriend in the street, I saw a woman who looked a lot like her. I ran towards her, my arms in the air ready to give her a hug, only to realise it wasn't her. I then had to pass the woman, my arms in the air, still running. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Gerald

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me, saying, "I'm not ready for a serious relationship." We're supposed to get married in a month. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my family and I went over to our new neighbors' house, to sing a carol and say hello. The only response we got was a door slammed in our faces. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was so zoned-out, I shouted a hello to the chair in the staff room. It's the third time today I've mistaken an inanimate object for a person. FML

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By crazymuch - Canada

Today, I talked to my boss about the fact that I have been diagnosed as bipolar and I am having a really hard time with it. He told me to look on the bright side, now that I'm crazy I will never have to do Jury Duty. FML

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By Yazzy - United States

Today, I found out that my parents can see a screen-by-screen of everything I say and do on my computer. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2020 02:01

Medicare for all, please

Today, I'm sitting in the ER with my 6 ovarian cyst rupture. The pain meds have already worn off and my vag hurts. I also had my gallbladder removed last June, and my right ovary removed last January. The staff here remember me. Most expensive friends I've ever had. FML

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By sadsenior - United States

Today, I was excited because I was going to get my college decisions back. I put all of the letters in order of my preference. Didn't get into my first choice. Denied from my second choice. Rejected from my third choice. Wait listed on my back-up. Accepted for a job at Target. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I told my best friend she looked great in the dress she was wearing. My boyfriend overheard and is now convinced I'm a lesbian. FML

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By confusedbagel - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my boss fired me for being "too morally ambiguous". I work at a bagel shop and had told a customer that I was indifferent towards cream cheese. FML

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By Panda Man - United States - Seattle

Today, I had a meeting with my girlfriend, who I live with and work with but on different teams. Both our teams got laid off. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 29

#7926686 - Thursday 30 July 2020 2:53

You have either a date or a sexual harassment complaint on your hands.

By bloopaloop | 27

#7926681 - Thursday 30 July 2020 2:09

One time I texted my wife “Thanks, honey!” but it autocorrected to “I hate you bitch, you’ve ruined my life!”

Jk, my wife is awesome.

COMMENTS

By bloopaloop | 27

#7926681 - Thursday 30 July 2020 2:09

One time I texted my wife “Thanks, honey!” but it autocorrected to “I hate you bitch, you’ve ruined my life!”

Jk, my wife is awesome.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7926686 - Thursday 30 July 2020 2:53

You have either a date or a sexual harassment complaint on your hands.

By BLVCK_DVDDY | 7

#7926703 - Thursday 30 July 2020 5:24

I worked at Starbucks n I finished ringing up an attractive girl and said “imma have you in just a moment”instead of “ I’ll have it out for you in a moment”

By Joshawott | 21

#7926839 - Thursday 30 July 2020 13:34

Okay Hannibal.

By jc1015 | 23

#7927111 - Friday 31 July 2020 3:14

no sympathy for autocorrect blunders. it's not that hard to read and make sure things are right before you hit send

By Huldan MeGroyn | 12

#7927354 - Saturday 1 August 2020 0:22

HR will be in touch with you, shortly