By KereKris - 17/6/2020 14:05

Hi how are you?

Today, I texted my boss, "I'm looking forward to doing you" instead of, "I'm looking forward to seeing you" thanks to a very unfortunate combination of my atrocious typing skills on a smartphone and an overzealous autocorrect function. FML

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Not gonna happen

Craft beer bores

Fragile

By AbsentMindedBoy - Canada

Today, I visited my ex-girlfriend's house. I saw her mother and asked "Hi! Have you recovered from that nasty cold that you had for so long?" She said "I don't have a cold," to which I smiled and said "That's great to hear!" Turns out she had lung-cancer instead. FML

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By daddyrobyn - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, I met an important figure in my line of work who also happens to know my dad, Alan. Upon meeting said person, I let my social anxiety get the best of me and I greeted him by saying, "Hi! I'm your Alan!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my mom is getting rid of cable TV. My dad and I bought her a 700 dollar plasma screen TV for Christmas. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Surry Hills

Today, I finally found out why my new co-worker has been shooting me dirty looks, being rude to me, and generally trying to avoid me. It's because I have blonde hair and blue eyes, and she thinks people like me are Nazis. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was having an after work-out dinner with my ex-girlfriend and we were having a great time, catching up, eating good food, all the good things. Then when I got home, I realized I just talked to my ex-girlfriend for an hour and a half about how much better her new boyfriend is than me. FML

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By PO'd big bro - United States - Toccoa

Today, I had to call a few different women and explain to them that my little brother had catfished them. I had to do it because he is mute and my parents were too busy screaming at him. FML

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By Mike

Today, my teenage daughter got her driver’s license. Less than an hour later she wrecked my wife’s new minivan. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, like every day for the past year or so, I went for a walk. And like every time I go for a walk, I got severely winded halfway through. I have no medical issues like asthma, I’m just out of shape. FML

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By Spawn_of_Satan - Hong Kong

Today, whilst my parents and I were out, my older brother thought it would be funny to play porn on my computer. At full volume. With my window wide open. Now my next-door neighbors tell their kids I'm a spawn of Satan, and the weird guy from across the street winks at me. FML

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By Asterisk1009 - United States

Today, I finally got the courage to tell my parents that I'm gay. My mom said "Yeah, we know." When I asked how they knew, my dad, without looking up from the tv, said, "We've been monitoring your Internet history." FML

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By Tanya

Today, I found shit smeared into the carpet and I wasn’t sure who to blame, the dog, the newborn baby or the 60-year-old alcoholic mother-in-law whose husband had finally thrown her out. I did eventually find her passed out drunk in my flower bed with shit all down her legs though. FML

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By really - United States - Bonney Lake

Today, my boyfriend thought he could make a pregnancy test read positive by jizzing on it. FML

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By fuck no! - 19/4/2020 23:00

What are you not getting?

Today, trying to be a little fun and flirty, I asked my husband if he wanted to play strip poker. He replied, "Nah. Not much fun with just two people." Not sure if he’s suggesting swinging or if he's really just that dense to what I wanted. FML

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By BannedfromFriend - United States

Today, I was at my best friend's house, listening to him complain about his mother remembering all the bad stuff he did when he was in high school. I jokingly said, "An elephant never forgets." Guess who was behind me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the gynecologist. In the waiting room they had decorative words that spelled out "Relax" and "Enjoy". FML

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By agentile - United States

Today, my grandma was leaning over in front of me, vacuuming, while wearing a v-neck shirt. Out of instinct, I glanced at her chest. She's 75. I checked out my 75 year old grandma. FML

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By klutz - United States

Today, I wore out the highest heels I had but was nervous about falling because I am such a klutz. I got through the night without any injuries, so I changed into the sneakers I had brought with me to walk home. I tripped right outside my house in my sneakers and broke my ankle. FML

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By gotnogame - United States

Today, I went out with a girl I like. After a movie, we went to McDonald's. There was this couple making out. The girl I was with remarked about how lame it would be to go to McDonald's on a date. I thought we were on a date. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had to help pick a jury for trial. I had to do a roll call to make sure that everyone was present. I stood up in front of a packed courtroom and said, “Okay, I’m going to do a roll call to make sure that everyone is here and pregnant.” Everyone laughed at me. FML

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By Username

Today, my boyfriend told me the thing that gets him really horny. Apple sauce. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Fort Smith

Today, for Mother's Day, I surprised my Mother with the news I that I'll be visiting in June. The last time we got to visit was 4 years ago, we live 4000 miles apart and it's a very expensive trip. She said, "No, come next June, I want to lose some more weight before seeing you." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, the police came to my door and told me about a woman who called the cops on me because she said that I had been following her in my car. We were on the highway. FML

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By Average Lover

Today, my wife and I decided to go to an adult store and buy some toys to spice up the bedroom a bit. She wanted to buy a double-edged dildo so "we can use it together". I'm a guy. FML

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By I Feel Horrible - United States - San Francisco

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house, intending to break up with him. Instead, I was greeted by his whole family throwing me a surprise party. I had to sit and listen to his whole family talk about what a great couple we are and how we're going to last forever. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I propositioned my boyfriend of two years to have sex with me in the shower to spice up our love life. He said that he was really busy. He was playing Call of Duty. FML

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By Maddii1112 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that he loved me for the first time in a way I'll never forget. In fact, his exact words were, "You're not the only one that I love." FML

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By awkwardencounters - United States - Belleville

Today, at the gym, I realized the guy who has been staring at me for the past 3 days is the same guy I promised to text back 5 months ago. FML

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By ash - United States

Today, I had to admit that I'm an alcoholic when I spent my last dollar bills on Southern Comfort instead of tampons. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/5/2020 23:00

Great boyfriend

Today, I'm 37 years-old and recently out of a job. As my boyfriend refuses to pay more than half the rent as long as I live here, I have no choice but to move back in with my mom, 8 hours away. My man is quite happy to pay the entire rent as soon as I'm gone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Edison

Today, it was my birthday. My boyfriend made me breakfast in bed, then we went out shopping, had a picnic, watched a good romcom, had a fancy dinner, and ended the day with great sex. And when the clock struck twelve, he dumped me. FML

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By isaidfuckoff - United States

Today, my girlfriend came back from her mission trip with hickies all over her boobs. She said it wasn't cheating because she was doing God's work and that they canceled each other out. FML

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By DFR - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me in a really really romantic way. After we called our parents to tell them the news, he turned to me and said, "Hey, I hope you know this doesn't mean you can start getting lazy with your blowjobs." FML

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By Greig - United States

Today, I saw my neighbor of twelve years at the grocery store. Being friendly, I went over to say hello. After I did, she responded by saying that she didn't know me but I look familiar. Finally, she remembered why I'm familiar saying that I look like the dorky guy from Two and a Half Men. FML

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By Jo - United States

Today, there was an earthquake. Good news: the only damage was a tree fell on some loser's car. Bad news: that loser was me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my crew was called out to do some house maintenance. We were nearly done, when someone had the goddamned fucking brilliant idea of washing plaster off their hands in the kitchen sink, which clogged the pipes. Instead of getting paid, we now owe for damages. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I worked a long shift at my job while feeling like crap, anticipating getting a promotion. As my boss was leaving work, he informed me that because I also go to college, the promotion was being given to another employee that I trained a month ago. This is the second time this has happened. FML

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By Pepsi - 6/9/2020 14:02 - United States

Social reform, please

Today, I saw my grandfather kick my dog, who is a 6-pound chihuahua, across the room. When I confronted him about it, he screamed at me for having "too much sex during the apocalypse" and "invading my brain with your pancakes." This man is my legal guardian for 3 more years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bowling Green

Today, I was playing Mario Kart with my wife. I threw a blue shell and it hit her. She then refused to speak to me for three hours straight until right before bedtime when she called me a bastard and told me to sleep on the couch. FML

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By scaredshitless - Finland

Today, I downloaded an application that notifies me when my phone is fully charged. I had no idea how it actually functions, but I plugged the charger in and went to bed. A couple of hours later, I woke up to a man's voice screaming, "I can't take it anymore!" I nearly wet myself. FML

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By ShowOff - United Kingdom

Today, I tried to demonstrate to my friend how laughably dull our kitchen knives are by swiping one across my palm. Turns out Dad noticed the problem yesterday and sharpened them. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7914387 - Wednesday 17 June 2020 17:49

Maybe you can duck him and get a premonition and a rays.

By bloopaloop | 27

#7914363 - Wednesday 17 June 2020 14:55

Don’t worry, that still sounds professional.

COMMENTS

By bloopaloop | 27

#7914363 - Wednesday 17 June 2020 14:55

Don’t worry, that still sounds professional.

By Cody Vertigo Bonthoux | 15

#7914371 - Wednesday 17 June 2020 16:29

you know you can shut predictive text off

By RichardPencil | 28

#7914387 - Wednesday 17 June 2020 17:49

Maybe you can duck him and get a premonition and a rays.

By jkjorn | 15

#7914419 - Wednesday 17 June 2020 20:08

If he didn't appreciate you working under him before, I'm sure he will now.

By samomaha | 17

#7914461 - Wednesday 17 June 2020 23:16

Always, ALWAYS, read thoroughly before tapping Send.

By hdisnfjs91 | 15

#7915424 - Sunday 21 June 2020 16:48

Who texts with their boss 'i'm looking forward to seeing you' anyway

By Danielle Roberts | 9

#7915697 - Monday 22 June 2020 17:33

Why are you looking forward to seeing your boss?