By Anonymous - 21/5/2020 20:00

Compassion

Today, my mum screamed that there is nothing wrong with me, after I literally coughed up blood in front of her. This all started over me getting my medications delivered to our house, as I’m not allowed out due to Covid-19 as I’m high risk. FML

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Deep-seated resentment

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

Great guy

By HotelNA614 - 1/6/2018 14:30 - United States - Mason

Today, while working at a hotel, I had a guest return his room key in my hands for once instead of throwing it on the counter. Progress, right? Except that it was covered in snot. FML

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By FabFor87 - 19/12/2016 16:15 - United Kingdom - Stockport

Today, my boss asked me to send an email on his behalf with an important report attached. I've already received 3 responses from directors commenting on poor spelling and factual errors. I get paid 1/4 the salary of my boss and he can't even write properly. FML

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By driverman12 - 4/4/2009 19:42 - United States

Today, I was driving on the freeway when I saw a car in front of me swerving across 3 lanes of traffic. Thinking he might be drunk, I dialed 911 on my phone, but I dropped it. I fished under my seat to get it, swerving, and got pulled over by highway patrol and given a field sobriety test. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2015 15:48 - United States - Bedminster

Today, I got an angry call from my 7-year-old son's school. It turned out that while doing a "what I want to be when I'm older" assignment, he wrote that he wants to be an internet troll so he can make people mad and make them kill themselves. FML

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By Jason - 14/2/2018 15:00

Today, I bought my crush a bouquet of roses plus one fake. The line was going to be, "I'll stop loving you when the last rose dies." I told my best friend and he thought it was such an amazing idea that he stole the fake rose and gave it to her himself. Guess who got the girl. FML

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By Pop_Pies - 3/9/2009 13:27 - Australia

Today, I had been working at the checkout for over 5 hours. Slighty tired while serving a customer, my eye accidentally twitched and I gave him a wink, he smiled and winked back. When I finished work 2 hours later he was outside, waiting for me, and followed me to my car, still smiling. FML

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By Sammy - 27/4/2011 17:07 - United States

Today, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. My husband, the father of the baby, got a birdie on the golf course at the exact same time. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2019 18:00

Wig out

Today, a little girl asked me if I was wearing a toupee. It's my real hair. FML

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By Anonim23 - 25/6/2019 00:15

Today, I finally decided to go talk to my upstairs neighbour about the loud banging noises he makes every single morning around 8 a.m. It worked. Now he starts at 7 a.m. FML

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By BatWife - 29/3/2017 19:00 - United States - New London

Today, my husband cleaned out our fireplace and found a very dead, mummified bat. After chasing me around the house with it, he set it atop the mantel. He refuses to get rid of it, and calls it "Henry". FML

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By anon - 21/6/2011 11:52 - United States

Today, I finally went on a date with my crush. When he kissed me goodnight, it made me think of a dying slug. FML

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By mrteacher - 21/8/2009 22:15 - United States

Today, I was driving to work and I had to pee really badly. I am a teacher and my school was another 20 miles so I stopped on the side of the road. About halfway through, a bus full of laughing kids went by. They were all my students. My pants were down. FML

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By eakthegeek - 10/1/2012 09:36 - United States

Today, I was sexing it up with my boyfriend. Halfway through, he looked at me and said, "Y'know what you never see in a porno? Intellectual conversation. Read any good books lately?" He wouldn't keep going until I answered. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2013 00:15 - Brazil - Jacare

Today, my mom started her new job; she's now my new coworker. She's already told the other girl I'd said she talks too much, and has berated me for not calling her "mom" while at work. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2013 18:16 - Canada - Kelowna

Today, I woke up after passing out at a very small house party. I set a three drink limit, but apparently nobody listened, because there were beer cans everywhere, half my stuff was on the floor, and someone had shat in my bathtub. I had to clean all of it up alone. FML

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By somewhatlucky - 27/12/2011 09:42 - United States

Today, my mom convinced me that she and my dad were getting divorced. I have anxiety problems, so I had a panic attack. She then laughed, and said, "Just kidding, I wanted to see your reaction. It's the best so far." FML

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By NoMeatFail - 27/2/2011 00:59 - Canada

Today, I was eating Campbell's vegetable soup. Halfway through, I started to read the ingredients and found beef broth. I have been a vegetarian for seven years. FML

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By Imdeadlmaokillme - 22/3/2016 20:47 - United Kingdom - Twickenham

Today, I learned the meaning behind the phrase, "Love you long time". It's from the movie Full Metal Jacket, when a hooker comes in and says, "Me so horny, me love you long time." I've been saying this to my parents and people at school, having no idea what it really means for over 2 weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/5/2010 15:54 - United States

Today, I found out there is such a thing as eyebrow dandruff, and that I have it. FML

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By ThrewItOntheGrooooooound - 7/4/2016 09:48 - Denmark - Odense

Today, a kind cyclist rode up next to me to inform me that my bag of groceries was about to fall off. Exceedingly careful, I slowly brought my bike to a halt. Only at the very second I stood still did I hear the dreaded "twang" as my carrier broke, and my stuff smashed to the ground. FML

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By Acne_problems - 22/2/2019 02:00

Today, my girlfriend and I were starting to do the deed and she started popping zits on my chest. Then she said that I was killing the mood because my cat was meowing. FML

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By Cheater_Cheater_Pumpkin_Eater - 28/1/2010 17:27 - United States

Today, my best friend became my ex-best friend. I have finally gotten over the guy she stole from me a year ago and have developed a crush on another guy. My best friend called me today to tell me that she broke up with the first guy and is now going out with my current crush. FML

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By Fairy31 - 1/3/2012 00:01 - United States

Today, the boy I tutor failed his math test. As a result, the family fired me. The boy failed because he forgot to write his name at the top. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2009 01:07 - United States

Today, this guy I like let me wear his favorite baseball hat that he never takes off. I returned it to him later, only to find out I have lice. FML

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By milked - 27/2/2015 05:28 - United States

Today, as I was about to have sex with my husband, I said I wanted to "spice things up." Apparently, our ideas weren't the same. He yanked my nipples as hard as he could and said, "Yeah, you like that?" FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2011 19:03 - United States

Today, my bladder decided to empty itself while I was on a rollercoaster. FML

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By milksquad - 17/7/2017 14:11

Today, my roommates adopted two kittens without consulting me. We're not allowed to have pets in our apartment and I'm severely allergic to cats. Oh well, it's not like I needed to be able to breathe this summer. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2016 17:45 - Mexico - Saltillo

Today, I now know how it feels to have a splinter of wood hammered a full inch underneath your fingernail. FML

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By ClutchJunkie - 5/12/2016 15:44

Today, my classic car that I've put hours of wrench time into burst into flames when I tried to start it. FML

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By the un-loved child - 28/7/2013 22:34 - United States - Salida

Today, my mom confessed to loving my "little sister" more than she loves me. My "little sister" is the family dog. FML

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By embarrassedhubby - 18/9/2010 03:48 - Canada

Today, when I came home from work, I saw my wife in nothing but black boots and a Santa hat. My boss and coworker were with me. I now have guys wanting to have a threesome with us. FML

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By Mycardoesn'tevenwork - 22/2/2016 20:16 - United States

Today, I was in a car accident on the way to work. I called my boss and told him I had to deal with the police and the accident report and didn't know how long it would take. He got mad and said I "should have picked a better time to do this". FML

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By Brea - 1/2/2011 18:50 - United States

Today, I wanted to annoy my sister by playing the air horn app on my iPhone. I forgot that I had headphones in. Let's just say I quickly had to change my underwear. FML

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By rob - 10/12/2010 07:29

Today, I admitted to my girlfriend that I'd kissed another girl five days before we got together. She told me, "That's OK, I slept with my boss last week." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2016 18:01 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, my car broke down in the middle of nowhere. I walked about 3 miles to the nearest house to call a tow truck. When I got back to where I left my car, it was gone. FML

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By blehh - 14/4/2009 20:40 - United States

Today, I had horrible pains in my stomach area so I went to the doctors. They couldn't find anything wrong and sent me to the Emergency Room for X-rays. After spending the entire day in the hospital, they tell me I'm slightly constipated. I had to pay $400 to find out I had to take a shit. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2016 06:55 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my grandma called me spoiled, materialistic, and Americanized for reminding her that she can flush the toilet after she uses it. The family now has a "three pee, one poo" minimum before we're allowed to flush. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2018 05:00

Today, my wife is still not pregnant, but her sister is after the threesome we all had a few months ago. The threesome was my wife's idea, but I suspect I am still a dead man when it comes to whose fault it is. FML

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By hearingthings - 26/6/2012 02:59 - Australia - Perth

Today, in a drunken, depressed state I thought I heard my deceased mother trying to make contact with me from beyond the grave. It took me a moment to realise that the soft voice was from the music my neighbours were playing. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2014 08:13 - United States - Seaside

Today, at work, I gave a piece of candy to a co-worker I have a crush on. She looked at me weirdly and walked away. I then remembered that my friend wrote "penis" on the wrapper. FML

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Top comments

By TomeDr | 21

#7907939 - Friday 22 May 2020 6:17

Call an ambulance.

By Susan Yee | 9

#7907900 - Friday 22 May 2020 0:23

Are you living in Us and have bad insurance? Sounds like it.

COMMENTS

By Susan Yee | 9

#7907900 - Friday 22 May 2020 0:23

Are you living in Us and have bad insurance? Sounds like it.

Reply

juuuliaaa_fml | 19

#7907923 - Friday 22 May 2020 4:16

Who cares if she has bad insurance. She can call in to speak to a doctor. She needs medical help.

By TomeDr | 21

#7907939 - Friday 22 May 2020 6:17

Call an ambulance.

By PropsandPieces613 | 20

#7907947 - Friday 22 May 2020 7:22

I know a person who coughed up blood and she tested positive for COVID. Definitely get that checked out

By sickerthanyou | 13

#7908510 - Sunday 24 May 2020 19:41

If blood is coming out of any body part, that’s a sign you must go to the doctor ASAP