By Anonymous - 21/5/2020 20:00

Compassion

Today, my mum screamed that there is nothing wrong with me, after I literally coughed up blood in front of her. This all started over me getting my medications delivered to our house, as I’m not allowed out due to Covid-19 as I’m high risk. FML

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Kids

Toxic people

Our House

By Anonymous - 10/1/2021 15:01 - Canada - Edmonton

Sore loser

Today, after graduating from the same program, I was offered several jobs, while my boyfriend wasn’t. He couldn’t be happy for me, saying, "She got in with the right people, and they just keep handing her jobs," and dismissing my work ethic. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Staycation time

Today, £250 of money belonging to work was stolen from my handbag. My boss says I have to pay it back because I'm the one that signed out the cash. There goes the holiday I was about to book. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out why my boyfriend gets so upset when I make jokes about him and his best guy friend being lovers. It's because they are. FML

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By InNeedOfFriends - United States

Today, I got all dressed up, in high heels and a sparkly dress, to sit in the library for most of the night so that my roommate and his friends would believe that I have a social life. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2020 17:02

Late bloomer

Today, I’m at the age where I should be married or in a committed relationship and having kids. Instead, I’m STILL single. I haven’t had a first date or a first kiss. If any of that changes, luck and time aren’t going to be on my side because biologically I won’t be able to have kids. FML

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By BrokenPoke - United States - Elkhart

PokeCrash

Today, my wife screamed to stop the car in an intersection, so I slammed on the brakes. From the left, an SUV rammed full force into us. My wife is unharmed, but I now have a broken left arm and our car is totaled. On the bright side, she caught the Pokémon in the road. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took an afternoon nap, and when I woke up, it was pitch black outside. Still groggy, I went downstairs, only to see my dad sporting a shocked expression and a suspiciously powder-white beard. He actually almost convinced me that I'd just woken up from a five year coma. FML

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By newguy - United States

Today, was my third day at work. The hazing finally began. After a few rounds of "punch the new guy", I thought I would finally be safe because the manager walked into the kitchen. He saw what was going on, picked up a handful of ketchup packets, and began throwing them at me. FML

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By anti88 - United States

Today, I reached the point in my life where Target is the "expensive" store. FML

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By Anonymoose

Today, I was in a public toilet. I looked down and realised someone in the stall next to me was peeing on my foot underneath the divider. They didn't even attempt to aim for the toilet bowl. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'm babysitting three children under the age of seven. They have no discipline, don't listen, scream all the time, won't nap, terrorize my dog, and have peed their pants a collective 5 times today. I am not getting paid for this. Their mother has no plans to come get them any time soon. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after sleeping with a guy I met at a party, I woke up to find him peeing in the corner of my room on my roommate's carpet. FML

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By explainer - South Africa

Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend why it is inappropriate for her to go skinny dipping with her male friends. FML

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By unsuspcted - United States

Today, my son told me to grow a pair and ask my girlfriend of a year and a half to marry me. He is 7 years old. FML

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By Charlie8u347 - United States

Snow day

Today, I was told to shovel four inches of snow from my driveway. I had to get the snow shovel from the rafters of my garage, and there were other tools with it. As I was yanking the shovel down, a pickax fell and smashed through the back window of my dad's Buick. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Wellington

Market crash

Today, my son took some of my underwear to school. What's worse is he sold it to his classmate for $10. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Danby

Today, at my school they were having a carnival to raise money. One of the patrons suggested that if they wanted to make money, they should have people pledge money to make me cover my ugly face with a bag. The school got over $500, and I had to wear a bag. FML

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By brokeandalone - United States

Today, I found out my wife has been bribing my daughter to keep quiet about her affair with my boss. That would explain the iPhone 4S, the $500 shoes, the $200 purse, and the professional $300 haircut. They told me it was because she had straight A's. FML

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By Brilee Bruxvoort - 31/5/2020 23:00

Don't give up

Today, after finally putting my foot down and trying to kick my husband out for his alcoholism, I got a lecture from his parents about how much of a piece of shit I am for "giving up" on their son. I've been trying to get him to get help for the past three years. FML

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By lalibear - United States

Today, I left the sliding glass door to our townhouse open because it was such a beautiful day. Our new puppy, whom we have been potty training, peed in the yard and I praised him relentlessly. He then walked inside the house, pooped on the carpet, and ran back outside. FML

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By bill219 - United States - Dallas

Today, I was at the breakfast table when my sister started eating a banana. Before I knew what was happening, I'd somehow popped a boner. I had to wait for her to leave before I could stand up. FML

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By mandy_2480 - China

Today, I had to stop my 26 year old fiancé from picking his nose and eating it like a little boy. Three times. FML

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By Anonymous

Drunk dick

Today, my now ex-boyfriend called the cops on me and told them I wasn’t letting him in the house. His keys were in the door, he was just too drunk to unlock it. FML

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By MattClifford - 15/11/2020 17:01 - Australia

Great start

Today, I passed my driver's test. As I was driving home, I was rear-ended. Rear-ended by the examiner that'd passed me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, we were practicing figure drawing in art class. Our regular model didn't show up, so our teacher pulled someone out of study hall. And who did she pick? My ex-boyfriend, who stalked me after our breakup, which resulted in a nervous breakdown that put me in therapy. It was a long class. FML

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By pancaketits - United States - Havertown

Today, a classmate accused me of having butt implants because "women can't have a huge ass and pancake tits". FML

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By Cannachick

Today, I found out how messed up I am when a guy held a knife to my throat and it turned me on. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my two kids to a Christmas festival with a train theme. I spent $24 on conductor hats for them. When I gave them the hats, they threw them on the ground and put the red paper bags they came in on their heads. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while working as a line cook, one of the servers sincerely asked me, "What sauce goes on a chicken bacon ranch sandwich?" I replied, a little incredulously I'll admit, "…Ranch." She then totally lost her cool and went full-blown adult temper tantrum because I was, "mean to her." FML

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By nico - United States

Today, I broke my collarbone in a rugby tournament. I was forced to sit through five more hours of games because the coach wouldn't take me to the hospital until the tournament was over. FML

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By northernlass - United States

Today, I was singing and playing keyboards with my band on stage at a club. A drunken chick from the crowd tried to climb up onto the stage in her heels, fell, and grabbed the back of my mic stand to catch herself. And busted me in the mouth with my own microphone. Then she requested a song. FML

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By wtf is wrong with my country - United States

Today, I was shopping at Walmart, when I saw a really good deal on some bacon. Before I could take any, a huge-ass woman stormed over, kicked my cart down the aisle, and snatched every single packet for herself. And I actually got upset over this. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Shelbyville

Today, my boyfriend saw a YouTube video of a guy throwing boiling water into the cold air, with the water immediately turning to ice and vapor. He copied it, but only succeeded in dousing himself with boiling water, then making me drive his idiot self to the hospital. FML

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By We're still popping them - United States - Fremont

Today, the neighbors called the cops because they heard "gun shots". My girlfriend and I were popping bubble wrap. FML

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By Anonymous

Surprising

Today, my younger sister had some friends over at ours. I was in the shower but was horrified to realize my clothes and towel were gone. Figuring that she took them, I tried to make it to my room without being seen, but one of her friends came up to use the bathroom. She saw everything. FML

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By SnuggieOverload - United States

Today, I finally found out that someone had stolen my debit card and maxed it out. The good news? Whoever it was forgot to change the address on the card, so everything they bought online has been shipped to me. The bad news? I've received 16 snuggies so far, and I'm still counting. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after weeks of watching car after car of solo drivers go by in the carpool lane every day, I decided to join them. I'm the one who got pulled over. FML

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By waxer150 - United States - Ashtabula

Today, while waxing a client's chest, I forgot to have him turn his head. When I ripped the strip, I punched him in the face. FML

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By denied - United States

Today, I was walking with my boyfriend in the hallway of our school, and once we got to his class, I leaned in for a kiss. Surprising me, he leaned away, and I asked what was wrong. He told me he's glad we're going out, but just doesn't want anyone to know. FML

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By jlover42 - United States

Today, I forgot my inhaler. I had an asthma attack and had to go to the ER. The doctors told me it wasn't an asthma attack. It was just a panic attack from worrying about whether I would get an asthma attack. FML

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Top comments

By TomeDr | 21

#7907939 - Friday 22 May 2020 6:17

Call an ambulance.

By Susan Yee | 9

#7907900 - Friday 22 May 2020 0:23

Are you living in Us and have bad insurance? Sounds like it.

COMMENTS

By Susan Yee | 9

#7907900 - Friday 22 May 2020 0:23

Are you living in Us and have bad insurance? Sounds like it.

Reply

juuuliaaa_fml | 19

#7907923 - Friday 22 May 2020 4:16

Who cares if she has bad insurance. She can call in to speak to a doctor. She needs medical help.

By TomeDr | 21

#7907939 - Friday 22 May 2020 6:17

Call an ambulance.

By PropsandPieces613 | 20

#7907947 - Friday 22 May 2020 7:22

I know a person who coughed up blood and she tested positive for COVID. Definitely get that checked out

By sickerthanyou | 13

#7908510 - Sunday 24 May 2020 19:41

If blood is coming out of any body part, that’s a sign you must go to the doctor ASAP