Today, I was taking a nap. Apparently, my two year old daughter decided to crawl on top of the covers on my bed because she was scared since there was a thunderstorm. I thought she was one of our cats so I kicked her off. She hit the wall. FML
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Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, my 5 year old daughter thought it would be funny to wake me up by tickling my toes. I guess one of my reflexes acted out because I kicked her right in the face. FML
Today, I was trying to sleep when I saw a head looming from the darkness with no eyes and a mouth open like a silent scream. I just froze and pissed myself. It was my daughter wanting to cuddle with us. Alas, the bed was wet, so she got put back in her bed, while we had to share the sofa downstairs. FML
Today, I was taking a nap on the couch when my 2 year old daughter decided that daddy needed an ear cleaning. With all the grace of toddler-hood, she stabbed me in the eardrum with a Q-tip. Now I can't hear her coming. FML
Today, I was taking a nap with my 5 month-old on the (carpeted) floor in the living room. When I woke up, my daughter had bombed her diaper, and her and the dogs were rolling in it on the carpet and tiled kitchen. FML
Today, I ran into my infant daughter's room because I thought I heard her crying, and found she was still sound asleep in her crib. The screams were coming from the mouse our cat was using to paint her bedroom walls. FML
Today, I woke up to my 2-year-old daughter hitting me in the face. She had just pooped her nappy and put her hands down her pants to "feel it squish around." FML
Today, I was awakened by a small scary dark figure approaching me while making creepy noises. I screamed, kicked it away, and buried my face under my pillow. Later, after braving up, I turned on the lights. It was my sick 3-year-old niece, now dazed and coughing blood. FML
Today, as I was trying to fall asleep, I was jolted awake by my oldest cat who'd decided it would be perfect to power-puke all over my bed. FML
Today, I was upstairs with my wife when I heard my cat scream from the porch downstairs. I ran down to find her "puffed up" and growling on the floor, and a corner of the screen next to the door busted out. I still have no idea what caused it and my wife is now afraid to go to sleep. FML
Today, I was wrapping presents for my daughter, trying to be really quiet. Behind me, the cat decided to climb the tree, which then fell on top of me and I couldn't move. My daughter had to help me up. She now knows everything she's getting for Christmas this year. FML
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Top comments
truslide 0
LMAO must have been a hard kick to do that and even then, why the hell would you kick a cat that hard?
uhmfml 0
I don't think your child will be crawling in your bed anymore for a while... if ever.
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Comments (1184)
razzumfrazzum 0
Seriously keyinhand? The OP is right above you. You can't be that stupid. Guess you should apply for one of those permits huh?
bluh_gurl 0
And go_falcons I am seriously glad that you aren't screwed up! :S that would have been really shitty... *hug
razzumfrazzum 0
Whoaaaaaaaa!!! bluh_gurl can recognize a typo. Good job. Try again there hot stuff. You've still yet to disprove your stupidity.
bluh_gurl 0
LOL how old are you dude? I have a life to live so I'll probably see you on another FML story for abuse? I miss you already babe! :3 Ciao xoxo
razzumfrazzum 0
So says the chick arguing with me at 2:45 a.m. lol I love ppl and their logic. I'm actually just bored.
bluh_gurl 0
BAHAHA dude have you ever thought that I might be in another country? It's actually 1:46 in the afternoon here and I'm about to go shopping! xD I love you man!
razzumfrazzum 0
Touche, Though the fact that you felt the need to say I should get a life is still hilarious to me when obviously we both are just killing time til we find something better to do. Like I said I'm just bored.
bluh_gurl 0
lol yeah i agree... xD gimme some skin man that was awesome! *h5
razzumfrazzum 0
bluh_gurl I thought you were going shopping? you lied to me.....I shall find you and I shall say NI til you apologize or bring me a shrubbery >:D jk Internet mafioso FTW!!
pinko_fml 0
More like your rich your poor daughter's life. I hope you took her in for an exam. Hard enough to slam her into the wall could cause damage.