Today, I was taking a nap. Apparently, my two year old daughter decided to crawl on top of the covers on my bed because she was scared since there was a thunderstorm. I thought she was one of our cats so I kicked her off. She hit the wall. FML
Collection
Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, my 5 year old daughter thought it would be funny to wake me up by tickling my toes. I guess one of my reflexes acted out because I kicked her right in the face. FML
Today, I was trying to sleep when I saw a head looming from the darkness with no eyes and a mouth open like a silent scream. I just froze and pissed myself. It was my daughter wanting to cuddle with us. Alas, the bed was wet, so she got put back in her bed, while we had to share the sofa downstairs. FML
Today, I was taking a nap on the couch when my 2 year old daughter decided that daddy needed an ear cleaning. With all the grace of toddler-hood, she stabbed me in the eardrum with a Q-tip. Now I can't hear her coming. FML
Today, I was taking a nap with my 5 month-old on the (carpeted) floor in the living room. When I woke up, my daughter had bombed her diaper, and her and the dogs were rolling in it on the carpet and tiled kitchen. FML
Today, I ran into my infant daughter's room because I thought I heard her crying, and found she was still sound asleep in her crib. The screams were coming from the mouse our cat was using to paint her bedroom walls. FML
Today, I woke up to my 2-year-old daughter hitting me in the face. She had just pooped her nappy and put her hands down her pants to "feel it squish around." FML
Today, I was awakened by a small scary dark figure approaching me while making creepy noises. I screamed, kicked it away, and buried my face under my pillow. Later, after braving up, I turned on the lights. It was my sick 3-year-old niece, now dazed and coughing blood. FML
Today, as I was trying to fall asleep, I was jolted awake by my oldest cat who'd decided it would be perfect to power-puke all over my bed. FML
Today, I was upstairs with my wife when I heard my cat scream from the porch downstairs. I ran down to find her "puffed up" and growling on the floor, and a corner of the screen next to the door busted out. I still have no idea what caused it and my wife is now afraid to go to sleep. FML
Today, I was wrapping presents for my daughter, trying to be really quiet. Behind me, the cat decided to climb the tree, which then fell on top of me and I couldn't move. My daughter had to help me up. She now knows everything she's getting for Christmas this year. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thank you, your FML was submitted, and will appear the moderation soon!
Top comments
truslide 0
LMAO must have been a hard kick to do that and even then, why the hell would you kick a cat that hard?
uhmfml 0
I don't think your child will be crawling in your bed anymore for a while... if ever.
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (1184)
someone2929 0
Wow u wouldn't have at least open it eyes
LilaBear 1
You either have a malnutritioned daughter or some seriously obese cats.
cobra946 0
lol som1 is trying to post this as the 2 year oldits on the moderate page i clicked no bcause tjere is no way a 2 year old could type and YDI
Dusa_fml 0
Wow your an asshole, you kick your cat off the bed like that?
anton4223 3
haha i read fml on my ipod at night and i read this one and i coujldnt stop laughing!! My mom came in thinking i was crying! lmao
nikii 0
#25 you're a piece of shit :D i hope someone kicks you against a wall and lady, WTF? you're a sad, pathetic dumbass :0 whether it's your cat or your kid, why the hell would you kick it to begin with? you don't realize that it's the same as saying, "my cat was crawling on my bed and i thought it was my daughter, so i kicked it off the bed." if you got up and looked down and your cat's face had been slammed against the wall, and it was laying there, dead, you would shrug and get on with your lame life. but if you saw your daughter, who, any smart person would know, weighs a lot more, limping around, bawling about how you kicked her off your bed for NO REASON, you would be horrified and write this only to get a bunch of comments like these, from billions of people who hate your ass. ASSHOLE
painandpeace 0
If you're gonna kick like Bruce Lee everytime your cat jumps on your bed, you shouldn't be allowed to own pets.
hanoj 0
Why the **** would u kick ur cat off of ur bed u ******* animal abuser
ebinoba 0
I hate cats :p
jawnjawn123 0
GREAT leg!!! Ever thought of being a punter?