Today, I was taking a nap. Apparently, my two year old daughter decided to crawl on top of the covers on my bed because she was scared since there was a thunderstorm. I thought she was one of our cats so I kicked her off. She hit the wall. FML
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Today, my 5 year old daughter thought it would be funny to wake me up by tickling my toes. I guess one of my reflexes acted out because I kicked her right in the face. FML
Today, I was trying to sleep when I saw a head looming from the darkness with no eyes and a mouth open like a silent scream. I just froze and pissed myself. It was my daughter wanting to cuddle with us. Alas, the bed was wet, so she got put back in her bed, while we had to share the sofa downstairs. FML
Today, I was taking a nap on the couch when my 2 year old daughter decided that daddy needed an ear cleaning. With all the grace of toddler-hood, she stabbed me in the eardrum with a Q-tip. Now I can't hear her coming. FML
Today, I was taking a nap with my 5 month-old on the (carpeted) floor in the living room. When I woke up, my daughter had bombed her diaper, and her and the dogs were rolling in it on the carpet and tiled kitchen. FML
Today, I ran into my infant daughter's room because I thought I heard her crying, and found she was still sound asleep in her crib. The screams were coming from the mouse our cat was using to paint her bedroom walls. FML
Today, I woke up to my 2-year-old daughter hitting me in the face. She had just pooped her nappy and put her hands down her pants to "feel it squish around." FML
Today, I was awakened by a small scary dark figure approaching me while making creepy noises. I screamed, kicked it away, and buried my face under my pillow. Later, after braving up, I turned on the lights. It was my sick 3-year-old niece, now dazed and coughing blood. FML
Today, as I was trying to fall asleep, I was jolted awake by my oldest cat who'd decided it would be perfect to power-puke all over my bed. FML
Today, I was upstairs with my wife when I heard my cat scream from the porch downstairs. I ran down to find her "puffed up" and growling on the floor, and a corner of the screen next to the door busted out. I still have no idea what caused it and my wife is now afraid to go to sleep. FML
Today, I was wrapping presents for my daughter, trying to be really quiet. Behind me, the cat decided to climb the tree, which then fell on top of me and I couldn't move. My daughter had to help me up. She now knows everything she's getting for Christmas this year. FML
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Top comments
truslide 0
LMAO must have been a hard kick to do that and even then, why the hell would you kick a cat that hard?
uhmfml 0
I don't think your child will be crawling in your bed anymore for a while... if ever.
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Comments (1184)
ChasinParkedCars 0
she's gonna use this shit against you for the rest of her life is she remembers it. "mom can i please go to the movies with my bf?" "no." "remember that one time? ow my ribs still ache."
HelloDarlingg 0
hahahahhaha. This just made my day. I hope your daughter is okay though. ha.
master565 0
So your willing to do that to your cat but not your daughter
LiangPeiJie 0
u don't really usually kick cats of anything. In fact people don't really kick cat in general I would call that abusing. Is the wall close to the bed or u just kick hard? I mean if it was far I hope he's alright
effyourlife_ 0
sometimes you don't judge how hard you kick when you're half asleep.. my sister kicked me in the face by accident and almost broke my nose when she was asleep
freshboi27 0
Ømg I laughed so hard when I read this I cried
thuryn 2
razzumfrazzum is my hero. ^_^
reallybad 0
Holy shit. Hope your kid is ok. But honestly, you leave your 2yr old unattended? YDI
SquidUlysses 0
This is hilarious!
Karnezar 2
Today, I climbed up on my moms bed to lay with her. She proceeded to forcefully kick me off the bed and make me hit my head on the wall. I'm 2. My mother doesn't love me. FML