By DogStew - 25/9/2019 00:01

Objects in the rear-view mirror

Today, my obsession with my mean ex-girlfriend returned. It ended 9 years ago. It happened when I started researching self-help. Now, I can’t stop thinking about that selfish piece of shit. FML

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Tense

Alternative medicine is bull

Lockdown is driving us down

By Anonymous - 26/4/2017 12:00

Today, my dog ate so much toilet paper that she can probably wipe herself from the inside out. FML

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3616

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By Animeislyfe - 25/8/2015 02:56 - United States - Stockbridge

Today, my dad took my phone away because I "had to be texting while driving in order to wreck my car." I was too ashamed to tell him that a huge bug flew into my face causing me to veer off the road and into a brick mailbox. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2010 04:27 - Canada

Today, a crying kid was brought to my attention by a customer. He was so upset from losing his mom that he couldn't say his name or his moms name. I took him around the store asking him to point out his mom. Once we found her she told me "I was hiding from my kid to test his independence." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2011 10:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on a crowded bus on the way back from my boyfriend's when I suddenly had a terrible nose bleed. I had no tissues, so instead I had to use last night's underwear from my bag. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2013 15:58 - United States - Dade City

Today, a radio show asked the question, "Where does the dentist live in Finding Nemo?" I called in and got through. When he asked me the question, instead of the actual answer I quickly gave out my own address over live radio. FML

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40933

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By Leigha - 2/1/2012 02:14 - Trinidad and Tobago

Today, I found out that if you see a tray with some black stuff in it and you can't decide whether it's powdered black pepper or cigarette ashes, it's not a good idea to taste it. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2015 14:58 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was rushed to the hospital with anal tearing. We've never tried anal before, but it turns out she and my "best friend" sure have. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2013 08:19 - United States - Crystal Lake

Today, my family and I went to feed carrots to the giraffes at the zoo. After I finished my first cup of carrots, I turned back to get some more. Suddenly, I was jerked back and a chunk of my hair was ripped out. The giraffe mistook the orange barrette in my hair for a carrot. FML

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49549

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2017 23:15

Today, I was blaring the radio to drown out the sound of the kids in the apartment upstairs. They then started jumping in time with the music. FML

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By "Anti_Sora" - 5/1/2019 00:00

Today, I turned in my final worth 20% of the grade. Today was also the day my internet decided to die. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2018 12:00

Today, my husband came home from the hospital after having 6 gangrenous toes amputated because he hasn't been treating his diabetes properly. Not half an hour after he got home, I caught him sneaking sweets from a hiding place in his toolbox. He's already lost the bag with his medication in it. Again. FML

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By ImOverHere - 2/9/2012 16:56 - United States - Whitehouse

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend with candles and a sexy outfit. When he came in, he insisted that we needed music to help set the mood. Thirty minutes later, he's still searching for a song. FML

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31783

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2015 20:29 - United States

Today, my mom tried to give me a pep talk to boost my self confidence. Somehow, it ended up turning into a conversation about how much of a loser I am and how I have no friends. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2013 19:05 - United States - New York

Today, my boss's obese bully of a grandson had a seizure. Being the only physician around, I had to rush in to tend to him. Except it wasn't a seizure as such. My daughter had found my taser and used it on him. FML

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By Handblocked - 4/9/2018 06:00

Today, I got a new vibrator, raced all the way home, tore my pants off, took it out of the box, and then my grandmother walked in my front door. Apparently she's spending the night so she can make it to a doctor appointment in the morning. FML

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By Disney dashed - 23/9/2019 00:01

Not so Magic Kingdom

Today, I fulfilled my lifelong dream of going on a family trip to Disneyland. Less than two hours in the park, my kids have been scared shitless by every single character, they don’t want to ride any rides, my husband is drunk and the mouse ears headband gave me a vomit-inducing migraine. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2015 17:25 - United States - Houston

Today, I was driving home. I desperately needed the bathroom, so I was speeding a little bit. A cop pulled me over and gave me hell. He said he'd heard my story a hundred times and didn't believe me. I couldn't hold it and ended up marinating in my own piss while he ran my plates. FML

I agree, your life sucks

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By sickkid - 23/11/2009 18:05 - United States

Today, I found out that my dad hides his Viagra from my mom by keeping it in an Aspirin container. Now I have a terrible headache and a boner. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2010 03:22 - United States

Today, I called up Verizon Wireless to "complain" about my phone service. I really had nothing to complain about, I was just that lonely that I wanted someone to talk to. FML

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By sisterofthebride - 3/10/2014 20:22 - United States

Today, my sister and her new husband invited our family and my fiancé over to look at their wedding pictures. Turns out, I caught the bouquet and flashed the world in the process. FML

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By BirthdayTeeth - 16/6/2009 11:14 - United Arab Emirates

Today, it was my 18th birthday. I got one thing: a fancy electric toothbrush from my little sister. I would say I'm happy to have something rather than nothing, except, for as long as the toothbrush works, there will be a Hannah Montana concert going on in my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2020 08:04

Sounds wholesome…

Today, my grandmother told me that my grandfather was a great man, and that he did a lot for the state of Ohio. When I got home, I googled him. He was the leader of one of the biggest KKK groups in America. FML

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By Tom - 6/6/2017 11:00 - United States - Antelope

Today, I went for my usual morning run. Halfway through, I needed to pee, so I found a perfect bush… to walk in on a lady who had also stopped to pee. I was called a pervert. FML

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3407

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By serverdessert - 8/3/2009 21:02 - United States

Today, at the restaurant where I work, I served a table of 4 middle-age women. Before greeting the table, I was deciding between saying "Can I get you anything to drink?" and "Can I start you off with something?" My actual greeting? "Can I get you ladies off?" FML

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48438

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By oops123 - 15/4/2009 18:42 - United States

Today, I finally hooked up with a guy I've been hanging out with for 2 months. Afterwards, while we're getting dressed he says "You better be clean. If you're not tell me now so I dont pass it on to my girlfriend." Stunned, all I could say was, "Girlfriend?!" His reply, "Well technically my fiancée." FML

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By wtf3456 - 31/8/2011 09:16 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of six months broke up with me because I didn't know what her favorite ice cream was. She says it proves I don't care enough about her. I don't think I've ever seen her eat ice cream. FML

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By graham - 11/1/2020 14:00

Very mean

Today, my first time meeting my girlfriend's dad ended with him chasing me from his house and trying to hit me with a baseball bat. FML

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By Terri-Lynn - 30/5/2012 20:25 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I figured out why my doctor repeatedly warned me to keep regular bowel movements while I recover from childbirth. I now have an anal fissure. It's like giving birth all over again. FML

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24666

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By jimmy - 19/8/2011 21:57 - United Kingdom

Today, I was diagnosed with crabs. I lost my virginity to my wife, and have never had sex or any sexual contact with anyone but her in my life. FML

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52932

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By nosebleeder - 13/2/2013 20:31 - Sweden

Today, I was terribly late for class, so I rushed to the classroom door, thinking it was unlocked. I smacked face-first into the glass, and awkwardly fell to the floor. Once I got back up, I peeked through the glass, only to realise it wasn't even my class. FML

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31556

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2011 23:07 - Canada

Today, I took a dump without checking for toilet paper. I then called my step dad, who said "use the stuff in the garbage." FML

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28398

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2014 08:13 - United States - Seaside

Today, at work, I gave a piece of candy to a co-worker I have a crush on. She looked at me weirdly and walked away. I then remembered that my friend wrote "penis" on the wrapper. FML

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34950

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By duped - 29/10/2011 11:32 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend confessed that he hates horror films. Our relationship was born out of our 'love' for horror films. I have endured 3 years of watching films that absolutely terrify me only to find out he doesn't like them either. FML

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16167

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By fml - 19/1/2011 01:49 - United States

Today, I let my dogs out, and then realized they didn't have their electric fence collars on. I ran inside to get the collars, then dashed out to put them on my dogs. I ran through the electric fence. The collars were on. FML

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By messed up - 16/9/2011 21:10 - United States

Today, I finally told my crush that I like her. She said she could never date me, because apparently, "My best friend likes you." Her best friend is my step-sister. FML

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36463

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By copmagnet - 15/10/2010 00:43 - United States

Today, I got a $200 bonus at work and was super excited about getting a plane ticket to see my family. On the way back from work I got a $300 speeding ticket. FML

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12460

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By tayluh26 - 15/2/2010 05:03 - United States

Today, I found out that my fiancé's parents are refusing to pay for a honeymoon because "they didn't have one so neither will we", so they won't pay for a single thing for our wedding. FML

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26564

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By drewcaver - 12/4/2015 19:49 - United States - Houston

Today, a little girl from my Sunday School class approached me and told me she had a stomach ache. She seemed very upset and her face was discolored so I took her to the nurse. While we were walking out the door, I looked down and saw a half-eaten crayon on the floor. That'll do it. FML

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27566

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By fired - 27/6/2012 20:48 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was babysitting a four-year-old girl, when I came across a toy that sang the Macarena. For fun, I decided to teach her the dance. When she showed her parents, instead of putting her hands on her backside and turning, she decided to bend over and moon them. FML

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By pincushion - 31/12/2016 05:47 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had a CT scan done with contrast. My tech seemed competent in his job so I wasn't nervous, until he tried to start my IV. It took him 3 attempts to get it right. Not only was I stuck 3 times, he also blew one of my veins. I now have severely bruised arms and what look like track marks. FML

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Top comments

By E2dav | 5

#7846168 - Wednesday 25 September 2019 0:08

We all have that ex gf or bf we look back on and think wtf was I thinking?!?!

By RichardPencil | 28

#7846170 - Wednesday 25 September 2019 0:13

Ironic, huh?

Listen to "Self-Esteem" by Offspring. It's the complete playbook on how to be a doormat for a selfish piece of shit.

COMMENTS

By E2dav | 5

#7846168 - Wednesday 25 September 2019 0:08

We all have that ex gf or bf we look back on and think wtf was I thinking?!?!

By RichardPencil | 28

#7846170 - Wednesday 25 September 2019 0:13

Ironic, huh?

Listen to "Self-Esteem" by Offspring. It's the complete playbook on how to be a doormat for a selfish piece of shit.

By Sinshine | 27

#7846200 - Wednesday 25 September 2019 5:59

Wait what? 9 years after you were done obsessing over her, you decided to look for a self help group?

DogStew | 19

#7846211 - Wednesday 25 September 2019 6:45

I was researching overcoming narcissistic abuse because of my family. I realized my ex is just like my shitty family. Which probably explains why I fell so hard for such a piece of shit.

By JuliaKay14 | 31

#7846541 - Thursday 26 September 2019 15:30

You might want to consider talking to a counselor to find out and address why you feel the need to think about her 9 years later.