Today, I found our that my crazy ex, who, after our break up,... - FML

By Anonymous

Today, I found our that my crazy ex, who, after our break up, said to me, "I'm setting my life to make yours hell" has befriended my current girlfriend. FML

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Like riding a bike

Extreme late fees

By Anonymous - 29/9/2020 05:02

Life of Brian

Today, I never wanted a wife, so of course I got married. I never wanted kids, so of course my unwanted wife insisted we have two. My mother-in-law, who I wish daily would get hit by a bus, just got hired at my workplace. My only pleasure in life is fishing and my kids just broke my only rod. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was getting picked up by my dad after I had been swimming. I saw his car, so I walked over to it, got in and started talking about how I'd seen my brother. It wasn't until after I had put my seat belt on that I realized I was talking to a complete stranger. FML

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By oops - United States

Today, I got into a debate with my boyfriend over whether or not oral sex was considered sex. I stood firm that it was not. Apparently, he took this as permission, as later that night I walked in on him not having sex with my sister. FML

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By Winxy - United States - San Francisco

Today, my three-year-old nephew chose to jump out of a window and break his arm rather than be babysat by me. FML

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By Tanner_6969

Unreasonable

Today, my boss told me I can't use the computer for entertainment. This coming from the same person who spends hours at a time every day on Facebook and other similar websites. I'm also not allowed to sit down while using the computer, which I use about half of the day. FML

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By Dumped - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend got drunk and cheated on me. After I tried to talk to her about it, she dumped me. Not because she didn't like me anymore or that she liked the other guy, but because she felt "too guilty" and "wouldn't be able to look me in the eyes anymore." FML

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By twicethepersonioncewas - United States - Merion Station

Today, I'm still reeling over the unexpected loss of my co-worker. I also received a notification that my workload would be increased to more than twice what is was before. FML

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By Zxz - Canada

Today, the power was out. I tried to explain to my boyfriend that he wouldn't be able to watch any TV until the power came back on. His response was, "But we have Netflix." FML

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By catfriend - United States - Salida

Today, my husband's cat died. He has resorted to calling me by her name to comfort himself. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was walking down the street, wearing nothing offensive, minding my own business, when a car drove past and threw something that hit me really hard in the back of my head. It was a Bible. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, I had sex with my new boyfriend for the first time. Afterwards, he said: "I know women who would be really self-conscious about nipples like that. I love that you accept yourself." I had no clue there was anything odd about my nipples. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I saw my ex-girlfriend. She dumped me because she was moving to Wyoming. I guess Wyoming is code for my friend's apartment. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I saw selfies of my aunt and her friends on Facebook having a great time. They took the pictures at my mother's funeral last week. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Canoga Park

Today, while talking to one of my parents' friends, we discovered that the house he grew up in is the same house my boyfriend now lives in. When he recalled that he lost his first tooth there, the only response I could come up with was, "Oh my gosh, I lost my virginity there!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work, my husband came in and brought me flowers and a card for our anniversary. I opened the card to find a condom. I ran over and closed the door and we immediately got at it in the middle of my office. Halfway through, I realized I have been laying on the intercom button. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my father asked my best friend to marry him. He's 38 and we're 18. She said yes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ponchatoula

Today, my sister sent me countless pictures of my boyfriend making out with different girls at a bar. His excuse? Photoshop. FML

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By fatty fatfuck

You can't win

Today, after losing my job and being quarantined alone, I realized I've gained quite a bit of weight due to depression. I decided to do something about it and walk around my neighborhood. A group of teens followed me laughing and hurling insults until I cried. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Nice family you've got there

Today, while chatting with my in-laws, I told them about my upcoming spinal surgery. Soon after, when I went to get us some drinks, I overheard them murmuring about how many surgeries I've already had, how I'm a drain on the healthcare system, and how I should ideally just die. FML

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By almostmugged - United States

Today, as I was walking home, three burly men suddenly began to approach me. Thinking they were going to mug me, I reached for my pocketknife and said "Stay away, I have a knife." Turns out they just wanted directions to an ice cream shop for their daughters, who were now bawling their eyes out. FML

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By worstfatherever - United States

Today, I came home after having traveled abroad for the last two months. Before I left, I'd asked my dad to take care of my fish, and he promised they'd be safe with him. I found them all decomposing. FML

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By - France

Today, my 10-year-old brother won the poem contest at his school. Since then he won’t stop bugging me with them. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - March

Today, my girlfriend tried to convince me that she never takes dumps. I told her that as long as she eats, it's a biological impossibility, but she seems to have genuinely deluded herself into thinking it's true, purely because she is a girl. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it appears that my upstairs neighbour has decided to learn how to play the trombone. FML

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By royalscenery - Canada

Today, after discussing the side-effects of an insomnia aid, my doctor said that making a choice was naturally a difficult one, and that he would only prescribe it to me once I'd had "a good, long sleep on it". He then laughed out loud and called in the next patient. FML

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By S4L - France

Today, I had to take a leak, so I went into a porta-john. I noticed another man's hand under the door with a cell phone. Angered, I aimed my stream at his hand and phone. He tilted the porta-john over in response. It was full. FML

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By dimtsis - Australia

Today, I had to go to counselling as my mother thinks I have an eating disorder. All because I didn't want to eat the crap supermarket lasagna she bought for $2. FML

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By the hated - United States - Absecon

Today, a friend thought it would be funny to make a R.I.P. page for me on Facebook. Most liked post? "Too bad this page is fake." FML

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By AlwaysAwkward - United States - Strongsville

Today, I got my first massage. At the end, the masseuse made a gesture indicating which way the exit was. After having had her hands all over my body for the past hour, I thought the gesture was indicative of a goodbye hug. Things got awkward really fast. FML

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By

Today, I saw my little brother drink from the milk carton, gag, and spit the milk back in. FML

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By anon - United States - Addison

Today, I went to a concert with my new boyfriend. I had a panic attack halfway through and an ambulance picked me up. My boyfriend met my parents for the first time drunk, in the emergency room. FML

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By jswag2004 - United States - Elgin

Today, I finally got the guts to ask out my crush. She said yes and I was really happy. Then I woke up. FML

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By takinabreak - United States

Today, I was taking a shower and I saw a new body wash that said "radiance ribbons." That sounded a little effeminate, but it smelled manly enough and the only alternative was normal soap, so I used it. Just now, I stepped out into the sun and found out what "radiance ribbons" means. I sparkle. FML

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By spanishgirl101 - Canada

Today, I fell down the stairs, and my uncle came rushing over because he thought it was his 1 year old son. He saw me lying on the ground and said, "Oh. It's you," and then left to watch the hockey game. FML

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By PissingMeOff - 16/10/2020 13:55 - United Kingdom - Durham

Firehose

Today, I found out that my boyfriend pees in the shower. This would've been OK if he was peeing into the drain. Instead, he pees on the shampoo and soap bottles. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Guelph

Today, a woman started giving me grief because we didn't have any Boxing Day sales. As I explained to her that dollar stores don't usually have sales, she tried to lamp me. It ended by her getting dragged out of the store. FML

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By Stigmamma

Today, I asked a hairdresser for an A-line bob. I was left with wavy bangs and hair, which is not A-line at all, it's 1 cm shorter on one side. She says she did my hair right, I just need to "style it properly." Not only is it fucked up, I later realised it's the EXACT same haircut as my mother-in-law's. FML

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By Obviously works everywhere

The customer is always a dong

Today, a customer filed a formal complaint with corporate about me, because I wouldn't help her find things she wanted while I was off the clock. We were in a completely different store than the one where I actually work. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2020 05:03

That he's a dumbass?

Today, I was told by my boyfriend of 12 years that he wants to break up. He wants to be free to follow his "MGTOW beliefs." I had to look up what it meant. What am I supposed to tell our 2 little boys? FML

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By UglyGirl - United States - San Francisco

Today, I waved at a baby while standing in line in a store. It started screaming. Its mom looked over in mild concern and gave me a disturbed glare before moving to the next checkout counter over. FML

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Top comments

By Sinshine | 27

#7810456 - Saturday 8 June 2019 18:40

Tell your girlfriend about it? Can't be so hard to communicate.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7810423 - Saturday 8 June 2019 17:12

Sounds like you’re going to be having a hell of a threesome, you lucky devil!

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7810423 - Saturday 8 June 2019 17:12

Sounds like you’re going to be having a hell of a threesome, you lucky devil!

By Sinshine | 27

#7810456 - Saturday 8 June 2019 18:40

Tell your girlfriend about it? Can't be so hard to communicate.

By jzisgoat | 3

#7810579 - Sunday 9 June 2019 7:14

Easy solution. Tell your girlfriend. Communicate your feelings before they bite you in the ass.