By Anonymous - 2/2/2021 00:30

Not a biology major

Today, after we had sex for the first time, my boyfriend shouted, “Huzzah! My genes will live on!” We used a condom. FML

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Triage

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By myself - United States

Today, it's been about a week since my boyfriend started his new medication, which has essentially killed any sex drive he had. It has also been about two weeks since I stopped mine, making me hornier than ever. FML

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By sore - Ireland

Today, my friend and I were bouncing around on a trampoline. We brought my dog up to bounce him around. We found it hilarious. He didn't. He attacked us. FML

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By laurwitharawr - United States

Today, my daughter was feeling sick. She threw up on the floor. As I was cleaning up her vomit, she threw up on my head. Twice. FML

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By aubrey

Time to go topless I guess...

Today, I accidentally gave myself a chemical burn. It hurts like hell and I've been told all I can do is wait it out for a few days. The worst part? It's from a reaction to a cream I used all over my chest. I can't wear a shirt without being in immense pain. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/2/2021 14:02

Winner winner chicken dinner

Today, I realized I have finally turned into my mother when I got excited about using so many coupons that I only paid 70 cents for $14 worth of groceries. I need a life. FML

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By LightsOut - United States - Melbourne

Today, and throughout the past week, my electricity, water, cable, and Internet were progressively shut off. Why? Because my deranged mother-in-law has been stealing the money orders I use to pay my bills out of my mailbox. She also stole the late notices because she didn't want me to be "mad". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I noticed that whenever someone belches, I immediately think of my boyfriend. FML

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By Flavorite - United States

Today, my boss asked me to pick up an extra shift. I said I couldn't because I have a date. He told me I didn't need to lie and to just say no next time. FML

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By Watchyourstep - France

Today, in front of a bunch of people on my college campus, my mom grabbed my hand and lead me across the street. I'm 20. FML

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By sick and awkward - United States - Silver Spring

Cosy chat

Today, I was really sick. I had been sneezing all day and my skin had started to dry out. When my mom asked me if I needed anything, I immediately responded with "lotion and tissues," not realizing what I was suggesting. She then talked to me for 20 minutes about how "masturbation is okay." FML

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By princess_stabitty - 1/8/2020 08:01

Jealousy

Today, my boss's husband came over to our office, and as a by the way comment told our boss my make-up looks good and suits me. The thing is, I've never worn make-up to work, and obviously, he never told his wife, my boss, that she looks good with make-up on. I'm fucked. FML

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By KaityK - United States

Today, I let my little sister play a game using my Facebook account. She then accepted all of the people that had sent me a friend request. Among them included my boyfriend's crazy ex, and 3 people I've never met. Now I'm getting strange messages from all of them. FML

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By missmirror - United Kingdom

Today, my parents woke me up by pouring a glass of freezing cold water over my head. Their reason? They were 'bored'. FML

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By WasntWorthIt - United States - Concord

Today, my husband thought it would be romantic to pick me up and fall on the bed with me while we were kissing. Our faces smashed together as we hit the bed, and my tongue is still bleeding on and off. FML

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By KAAALIS - United States

Today, I bit my boyfriend's neck. I felt something squirt into my mouth. Turns out I had just popped a pimple on his neck. Into my mouth. FML

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By anon - United States

Today, I got my wisdom teeth out. Due to the drugs they gave me I felt nauseous. When I went to the bathroom as a precaution I did not throw up. Instead I passed out face first in the toilet. FML

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By failout - United States

Today, there was a story called "Looking Good" about fashion in school that ran in the local newspaper. On the front page of that section it featured a picture of my class. I was photoshopped out. FML

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By sweetsixteenyay - United Kingdom - Caerphilly

Bad guy

Today, the new girl told me that a guy at the back of the class was being creepy. I looked over and saw him picking his nose and flinging boogers at the girls sitting in the front. That guy is my boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lacey

Today, I was at my class's band concert. Before the curtain was raised, I helped haul the piano to a different spot so a girl who would've had to stand behind it could be seen. I said, "There, now your mom can see you play!" She responded with, "My mom's blind." FML

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By allergyface - Canada

Today, I was talking to my parents, when all of a sudden my dad starts freaking out and asking my mom how I got this really bad allergy on my face. My mom just laughed, and then I had to explain to him that it was just my acne. The worst part is, he was dead serious the whole time. FML

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By beezybees - United States

Where is it?

Today, I lost the beautiful necklace my boyfriend gave me for Valentine's day. I looked everywhere, and couldn't find it. My sister held the bag while I dug through the stinking trash, then after I cleaned everything up, took it out of her pocket and said she was pretending it was lost. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he loved me for the first time. He followed it with, "Want to try anal?" FML

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By FlabbyPants - United States - Fort Myers

Today, I woke up with every muscle in my body hurting so bad I could hardly walk. Participation in a triathlon, or overdoing it at the gym? No, the results of a day spent cleaning the house. FML

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By scared - 24/6/2020 23:02

Healthy relationship

Today, I yelled at my girlfriend for something trivial. Instead of yelling back, she was scarily calm and said, "Remember, I’ve got 50 lbs on you. Yell at me again and I’ll lay a pillow on your face and sit on it until you’re dead." I think she might mean it. FML

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By Mighty Mouse

Today, I found out the coffee mug my housemate uses to thaw dead mice for his snake is the same mug I use for my morning coffee. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was forced to spend three hours looking at a fat guy's butt crack, seated directly in front of me in an exam. I'm pretty sure it lowered my grade. FML

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By ToddlersWife - United Kingdom - Reading

Today, my husband and I got into an argument over him not brushing his teeth. It ended with him snapping his toothbrush in half. He's 52. FML

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By Todd - 18/9/2020 17:00

Masterchef

Today, I bought tomato sauce and tomato paste to make rigatoni. Forgot to buy the meat and the pasta. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, after saying I'd edit and revise a coworker's report so he could go home and spend his anniversary with his wife, he sent me a file. Upon opening it, it was pictures of men wearing strange fetish gear while being dominated. He has yet to send me the correct file and I'm scared to ask. FML

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By markyvilla - United States

Today, I got dressed up for the first time in days to go have sushi with a friend. When I walked out to my car, I noticed that the passenger window was shattered and the car robbed. What's worse is I'd forgotten to lock the side doors anyway. FML

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By Robert Herrin

Kinky Crab

Today, I fell asleep with my hermit crab on my bed and woke up to him pinching my nipple. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally told my mom I am a lesbian. She started laughing and said 'Good one honey'. I told her I wasn't joking, and she took my face in her hands and said 'You ARE joking!' Then she left. FML

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, my mother told my little sister and me that she has breast cancer to make us feel sorry so that we would clean our rooms. She is perfectly fine. My little sister still thinks that "mommy is going to die". FML

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By adopteddd - United Kingdom

Today, my Dad sat me down and told me that I was adopted. I was unbelievably shocked by this revelation and asked him why he'd never told me this before. His response was, "I didn't know!" FML

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By happyshit - United States

Today, I was driving when I saw someone pulled over on the side of the road. Wanting to help, I pulled over. In so doing, I ran over a nail, which popped my tire. The guy had just pulled over to pee. FML

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By yourebeautiful - United States

Today, my mom took my cell to work with her. When she got home later, she scolded me for not answering her calls. When I pointed out that she'd taken it, she grounded me for "talking back". FML

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By T-Bear - United States - College Station

Today, I'm staying at my grandparents' house. I went upstairs to grab my sketchbook to show off to my grandma. My grandpa is half-deaf, which I guess explains how he didn't hear me. I heard him though, jerking off and muttering the most disgusting sexual things about "Tara." I'm Tara. FML

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By Shock - United States - Littleton

Today, while working for a hospital security company, I had to assist in restraining a male patient while the nurses put a catheter in him. All I will say is that it looked like a worm trying to swallow a straw. FML

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By Alwayshappens2me - United States

Today, I learned that even when you put a sock on the door because you are having sex with your boyfriend, doesn't mean your mom won't walk in your brand new apartment for a "surprise visit." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newark

Today, I discovered that my wife named our kids after her former lovers. We have two sons and a daughter. FML

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Top comments

By Chazzster | 21

#7968662 - Tuesday 2 February 2021 1:08

Unless you are in charge of the birth control you cannot be sure if you are being sabotaged or potentially impregnated against your will. GET ON THE PILL!

By Mariah Malcolm | 6

#7968663 - Tuesday 2 February 2021 1:23

keep using them

COMMENTS

By ViviMage | 38

#7968660 - Tuesday 2 February 2021 0:50

Apples REALLY don't fall far from the tree!

By Chazzster | 21

#7968662 - Tuesday 2 February 2021 1:08

Unless you are in charge of the birth control you cannot be sure if you are being sabotaged or potentially impregnated against your will. GET ON THE PILL!

Reply

xGod305x | 2

#7968695 - Tuesday 2 February 2021 5:14

you are definitely dating the wrong type of men...

By Mariah Malcolm | 6

#7968663 - Tuesday 2 February 2021 1:23

keep using them

By DoctorPALO | 12

#7968664 - Tuesday 2 February 2021 1:25

Hope he didn't sabotage them. You better get serious about your own protection or finding a mate who isn't an idiot.

By akvan | 11

#7968671 - Tuesday 2 February 2021 2:13

Maybe he was joking... I don't know if that makes it better

By RichardPencil | 30

#7968679 - Tuesday 2 February 2021 2:47

Who says "Huzzah?"

Reply

Marcella1016 | 31

#7968689 - Tuesday 2 February 2021 4:49

Honestly I felt like that was the real FML here.

By Jonathan Riedel | 10

#7968711 - Tuesday 2 February 2021 7:58

The people on this platform are so negative. It was just an innocent joke... Maybe he was talking about them perhaps some day no longer using condoms?

By phybreawptic | 12

#7968726 - Tuesday 2 February 2021 11:19

Hopefully the LARPers don't hear about this.

By tounces7 | 27

#7968963 - Wednesday 3 February 2021 15:35

Honestly I feel like he said that mostly because he never expected to get laid in the first place and now he has hope.