By Anonymous - 2/2/2021 00:30

Not a biology major

Today, after we had sex for the first time, my boyfriend shouted, “Huzzah! My genes will live on!” We used a condom. FML

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Understandable

Race against the clock

Jonah begs to differ

By burningman - Germany - Darmstadt

Today, a homeless guy tried to light my hair on fire with a match at the bus stop. FML

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By Ishowet - United States - Hialeah

Today, my five-year-old son told me that I smell bad and asked me to take a shower so I wouldn't attract bugs into the house. I had just showered. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, on my way home from work, I decided to bring my pregnant wife a bouquet of roses to surprise her. Her response? "Why didn't you get me something useful, like chicken wings, instead?" FML

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By sad - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I confided to my dad that my girlfriend had dumped me for another guy. He said "good" and explained that given how overpopulated the planet is, he's actually disappointed that I'm not gay. His advice was: "just wank it off and move on". FML

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By bertthelamb - United States

Today, I spent $20 on a spray tan, $30 to have my make up done, and $50 on a pretty new dress all for a special date with my boyfriend. It turns out I spent $100 just to get dumped. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, after saying I'd edit and revise a coworker's report so he could go home and spend his anniversary with his wife, he sent me a file. Upon opening it, it was pictures of men wearing strange fetish gear while being dominated. He has yet to send me the correct file and I'm scared to ask. FML

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By sexxibxmami - United States

Today, my mom came over to visit and permed my hair. Ten minutes after she started, I told her it was burning. She told me to suck it up because it doesn't hurt that badly. I now have scabs all over my scalp, hairline, and nape. FML

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By catherine - United Kingdom

Today, I dropped my camera into water. The good news is that it's waterproof. The bad news is I dropped it off London Bridge. All the pictures and videos of my four-month trip around Europe were on it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I orgasmed in front of someone for the first time. Too bad it was my dad who didn't knock before coming in. FML

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By spitball101 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years finally proposed to me at the park we first met in. As I was about to say yes, a huge fly flew straight into my mouth. I ruined the moment by choking on it and eventually spitting it out on him. I think he's rethinking the proposal. FML

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By Purple - United States - Fremont

Today, my dad told me that my mom wanted to name me something "unusual." He eventually got her to compromise. I go by Violet. I now know that my legal name is Purple. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I walked in on my 15-year-old daughter stripping on Skype for strangers. FML

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By Anonymous - Norway

Today, I was at my local McDonald's having a leak when an extremely intoxicated man stumbled in, pulled down his pants, and started to pee on my shoes. FML

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By Zanna

Today, a job candidate I was interviewing took a drink of water, and let it dribble down her chin and shirt while making fixed eye contact with me. FML

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By öKANEö - United States - San Marcos

Today, during class, a student began arguing with my Algebra II teacher about whether or not water is wet. The student became so frustrated he threw a stapler across the room. Guess who got hit in the head and is currently bleeding pints in the nurse's office. FML

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By Elsine

Today, after having to move home with my parents because I'm broke and can't seem to find a job, my mom found out I'm on anti-depressants. She and my dad will no longer be helping with money because she doesn't like "drugs". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered that the wintergreen breath mints I've been taking for a week now, are actually circular, flavored, white and green laxatives. FML

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By Anonymous - Austria

Today, my bag, including phone, money, keys and cards, was stolen. In a church. During my wedding. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up and realized I have experienced my first "nocturnal emission". I am a 24 year old male who has been married for 3 months. Guess who isn't getting any. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boss stopped me mid-sentence, scowling and telling me to zip up my fly. It wouldn't have been so embarrassing if I hadn't been in the middle of giving a presentation to not only him, but his own boss and a company executive as well. FML

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By rotezora - Switzerland - Basel

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by rapping in a voicemail. FML

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By EpicFail - United States

Today, I fell asleep. I felt something on my face. I batted it away. It was my hamster. It died from a concussion upon hitting the wall. FML

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By asleepinclass - Poland

Today, I fell asleep in history class. I was dreaming about my history teacher. When I woke up everyone stared at me rather weirdly and the teacher wasn't there. Turns out I was moaning my history teachers name through my sleep. FML

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By FrustratedTutor - United States - Andover

Today, the kid I was tutoring told me that "pirates were a myth. Like the Greeks and Romans." He's 16. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my son got really high and shaved the dog with my electric shaver. Not only does the dog look really bad, I didn't know my son used drugs. I now have to buy the dog a sweater and get my son some help. FML

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By who knows - United States - Mankato

Tell me the reason

Today, someone took my phone away. Why? Because I was texting my ex-boyfriend who cheated on me with one of my friends. FML

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By Richard

Today, my friends and I were kicked out of a Red Robin after the manager told us that our server accused us of making "sexually suggestive gestures" towards her. The gesture in question was the circle game. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had one of my biggest dance shows ever. After months of practice I had finally gotten the lead position. When I entered the stage and raised my arms my straps fell down and I flashed an audience of 5000. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2020 17:00

Fish and chips is life

Today, my husband had his hands full with the shopping, so I was carrying the baby and the bag with our takeaway in it. I tripped down the steps and fell over. Did my husband ask if I or the baby were OK? Nope. But he did ask if I’d squashed his fish and chips. FML

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By razordot - Australia - Brisbane

Today, after complaining all my life that no one makes a decent can opener, I have realised that I have been using them the wrong way. I finally figured out that the cutting blade goes on the SIDE of the can not the TOP. I'm 57 years old. FML

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By sandy - United States

Today, I was completely naked in my boyfriend's bed. Suddenly his mom yelled that she was coming in so that she could get to the attic. I pulled a blanket up to my neck, hoping she would think I was cold. She had to step over my bra and panties on her way to the attic. FML

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By Jesse from - United States

Today, I tried to act nonchalant in front of my neighbors, and swing my lanyard around with my keys on it. It flew off my finger and into their yard. FML

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By peeved - United States

Today, I was forced to attend a fire safety class, as required by my job. Last year, I completed the fire academy as a volunteer fireman. The class was not only insulting, but wrong in many ways. I got kicked out for pointing them out. I now have to take it again, or be fired. FML

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By an egg - United States - Livonia

Today, when I went out to get some groceries with my mother, a small girl came up to me and said I was an "ugly egg" because I'm a bald girl. I had to shave my head in order to have brain surgery to relieve me of the symptoms of my neurological disorder. FML

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By May - United States

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend masturbating furiously. To Star Trek. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my brother had his hot friend over. I decided to make a move because he was staring at me and smiling all night. So I asked him which holiday was his favorite, Christmas or Easter while I batted my eyes and smiled. Thats when he said, "you have lettuce in your teeth." FML

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By Mallory - United States

Today, after admitting he had feelings for me, my crush returned from out of town. He'd said that while he was gone, he'd meet people, but only think of me. He came back no longer single. He's known her for 4 days. We've known each other for 6 years. FML

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By Anonymous - Virgin Islands British

Today, I saw a picture of my creepy uncle and me on Facebook, which he had captioned "me and my woman," and posted several lewd comments on. I guess he forgot I'm his friend on Facebook. FML

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By TheywearintheDIRTYlaundrybasket!

Today, I walked into the house I share with my boyfriend and found his mum sashaying up and down the hall. When she saw me, she exclaimed, "Oh, you've got to tell me where you get your underwear from!" Yep, she was wearing my panties. Neither she nor her son could see why I would be upset by that. FML

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By mr_loveless - United States

Today, I got married on Skyrim. To an elf. While in real life, my love life is floundering like a half-dead carp in the surf on a hot day. So much so in fact that I actually draw a measure of comfort from being married to an elf. FML

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Top comments

By Chazzster | 20

#7968662 - Tuesday 2 February 2021 1:08

Unless you are in charge of the birth control you cannot be sure if you are being sabotaged or potentially impregnated against your will. GET ON THE PILL!

By Mariah Malcolm | 4

#7968663 - Tuesday 2 February 2021 1:23

keep using them

COMMENTS

By ViviMage | 38

#7968660 - Tuesday 2 February 2021 0:50

Apples REALLY don't fall far from the tree!

By Chazzster | 20

#7968662 - Tuesday 2 February 2021 1:08

Unless you are in charge of the birth control you cannot be sure if you are being sabotaged or potentially impregnated against your will. GET ON THE PILL!

Reply

xGod305x | 2

#7968695 - Tuesday 2 February 2021 5:14

you are definitely dating the wrong type of men...

By Mariah Malcolm | 4

#7968663 - Tuesday 2 February 2021 1:23

keep using them

By DoctorPALO | 11

#7968664 - Tuesday 2 February 2021 1:25

Hope he didn't sabotage them. You better get serious about your own protection or finding a mate who isn't an idiot.

By akvan | 8

#7968671 - Tuesday 2 February 2021 2:13

Maybe he was joking... I don't know if that makes it better

By RichardPencil | 29

#7968679 - Tuesday 2 February 2021 2:47

Who says "Huzzah?"

Reply

Marcella1016 | 31

#7968689 - Tuesday 2 February 2021 4:49

Honestly I felt like that was the real FML here.

By Jonathan Riedel | 10

#7968711 - Tuesday 2 February 2021 7:58

The people on this platform are so negative. It was just an innocent joke... Maybe he was talking about them perhaps some day no longer using condoms?

By phybreawptic | 12

#7968726 - Tuesday 2 February 2021 11:19

Hopefully the LARPers don't hear about this.

By tounces7 | 27

#7968963 - Wednesday 3 February 2021 15:35

Honestly I feel like he said that mostly because he never expected to get laid in the first place and now he has hope.