By I don’t stink - 1/5/2020 20:00

No pain, no meds

Today, I finally got to come home after hours spent in a locked down ER after a car accident. My injuries were non life-threatening, but pretty damn painful. I asked my sister to pick up my pain meds from the pharmacy for me. She got drunk and "lost them", AKA gave them to her dirtbag boyfriend. FML

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Dangling modifier

Rock, hard place

Not a cheating!

By socially awkward - 10/3/2012 06:00 - United States

Today, I discovered that the amount of alcohol I have to drink to build up enough courage to talk to women at a bar is the exact amount of alcohol that prevents me from getting a boner. FML

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By randinosaur - 13/3/2011 12:48 - United States

Today, a cop rear-ended me. Then I received a ticket from him for driving too far under the speed limit. We were in a school zone. FML

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By rachlette - 17/4/2015 21:47 - United States - Seattle

Today, I coughed so hard that I fractured two ribs. FML

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By shouldabeenapornstar - 17/3/2010 15:46 - United States

Today, I decided to fake it when my husband and I were making love. Afterwards, he told me that he could tell my head was "really in the game" and felt a stronger connection with me now and was glad I opened up and "let go" with him. FML

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By fittingroompotty - 2/3/2009 13:38 - United States

Today, the fitting room of the store I worked in smelled really bad. The customers started to complain and since I was on fitting room duty I went to go investigate. A middle aged woman pooped on the floor and then put the chair on top to cover it. FML

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By Weasel123 - 26/10/2012 07:58 - United States - Anadarko

Today, my roommate decided to go vegan after watching a PETA video. She began this new-found lifestyle by throwing out all of the non-vegan items in the house, including some prime rib we had recently purchased, all of our ice cream, and my chocolate stash. FML

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By anonymous - 26/1/2013 08:42 - United States - Fairbanks

Today, while babysitting my neighbors' kids, their oldest son used a paint pen on the carpet. The boy blamed me and I got fired. He's only 3 and can barely talk. FML

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By skichick54 - 24/8/2011 05:28 - United States

Today, my house got watermeloned. Not egged, watermeloned. FML

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By why - 14/3/2014 23:23 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was tanning nude in my backyard, when I took a picture of our dog lying in the grass and sent it to my dad. It was only after I looked at the picture indoors that I realized my nipple had made it into the picture too. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/4/2011 08:42 - United States

Today, my dog decided to chase a smaller dog for three blocks. When I finally caught up with him, he laid down and refused to go anywhere. I had to carry my 80 pounds Labrador like a baby all the way home. FML

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By DebbiemontG - 19/9/2019 16:01

Pay up, sunshine

Today, after a whole summer of waiting, I went to check my school's website so that I could start my first year again since I had some complications the first time round. I found out that they'd blocked my account and that the fee I'd have to pay was now triple the original. FML

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By Noname - 25/2/2009 23:56 - United States

Today, I was on a subway with my boyfriend and it was stopping so I grabbed the pole for support. I felt another hand grabbing onto the pole knowing it was my boyfriend's. Without looking I carressed and tickled his hand. I turned around to smile at my boyfriend. The hand wasn't his. FML

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By doblex - 20/12/2012 11:19 - United States

Today, my house was broken into. The cop that came turned out to be a guy I fought over a girl with in high school. He sneered and said that everything appeared to be in order, and that I probably ransacked my own house. FML

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By CaoiiBieber - 17/7/2011 19:15 - Ireland

Today, I accidentally deep throated a fork. FML

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By JoanT - 20/10/2020 11:08

Hangry

Today, while petting one of the goats we have, the other one was jealous so it ripped out a chunk of my hair. FML

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By sadSarah - 1/5/2014 09:59 - United States - New York

Today, as I was waiting in line to give my mom her birthday present, my dad gave her the exact same gift I'd also bought for her. FML

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By all shat out - 7/11/2014 06:53 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I got demonic gastric distress while taking my final college exam. I only got about 50% of it done, left the classroom 50% faster, and experienced both 50% dread and 50% relief. Now I have to repeat 50% of the class. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2015 00:34 - United States - Mentor

Today, my daughter got her first period. Nobody was home but my husband. He didn't know what to do, except give her a sponge to put in her underwear. FML

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By stupid - 15/9/2009 02:56 - Canada

Today, I asked my dad to pick me up from school, he said he couldn't. Why? he was busy playing world of warcraft for the night. I got to walk the 3 hours home while my 49 year old dad played computer games. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2011 18:47 - Ireland

Today, I was taking my architecture project to school. I'd spent days preparing my little model house. I stepped outside with it in my hand, and right at that moment a gust of wind ripped it away. It's currently lying in my neighbour's garden, smashed to pieces. FML

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By Mateo - 14/12/2008 03:58 - France

Today, I surprise my girlfriend by turning up at her flat on her twenty-fourth birthday. She gets up from the couch as I enter and I shout: "Tonight, my cock is going to stab you twenty-four times!" (Okay, that's not smart). That's when her father glances over from the couch and greets me. FML

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By A troubled ex med school student - 6/2/2013 03:08 - United States - Dublin

Today, I attended my first surgery as part of my program at med school. I found out that when I see someone's intestines, I vomit. Even if I'm still wearing a surgical mask. There goes the thousands of dollars I spent on college. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/3/2020 18:01 - United States - Springfield

Out of the frying pan…

Today, it's been 2 days since I got over having the flu for over a week, missing work the whole time. I just got food poisoning. FML

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By jessefonsexy. - 7/12/2010 11:08 - United States

Today, I was trying to go to sleep when I heard my sister come home from the bar. I fell asleep and woke up an hour later to see my sister squatting in my dresser drawer. I asked her what she was doing and she said "I'm peeing." FML

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By yessir - 1/12/2011 01:10 - United States

Today, my boyfriend rear ended a cop car because he was texting me. I was sitting next to him. FML

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By GracieGirl - 4/10/2019 06:00

When feral kids attack

Today, while waiting for my name to be called at the doctor's office, a little boy threw a Dixie cup full of water at me, making it look like I wet my pants. His mom just laughed and dragged him off. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2011 16:13 - Singapore

Today, my husband's car was stolen from our driveway while he was out jogging. We'd recently had a huge fight, and he accused me of having done this to get revenge. I was at work all day, but it seems this doesn't make any difference to his dumb, paranoid ass. FML

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By Ob3nie - 14/7/2014 17:45 - United States - San Francisco

Today, me and my boyfriend decided to have some fun in my room before my parents got home. My phone started vibrating half-way through, and when I saw my mom's picture, I reflexively answered. It wasn't a phone call. It was a face time. Busted. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/3/2016 21:26 - United States - Depew

Today, I parked my car in the company lot and walked down the street to a mandatory company training. While I was at the training, everyone back at the office decided to leave early and locked the company lot. My car is now stuck there for the night and I'm walking home. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2020 00:01

Mystery Girl

Today, I found out that my girlfriend actually broke up with me a week ago. Apparently, she thought it wasn't necessary to tell me, she just assumed I'd figure it out on my own. FML

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By Bridget - 6/5/2012 18:01 - United Kingdom

Today, I married the man of my dreams. While I was being driven to our wedding reception, I checked my Facebook. My husband had just updated his status to "Me and the bitch just got hitched." FML

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By Dude - 2/4/2009 05:36 - United States

Today, I got laid off from work. I was being escorted to the elevator when another coworker stepped inside. He said, "How goes it?". I said, "It goes". Then he said, "At least we have a job". FML

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By Anonymous - 26/1/2014 17:21 - United Kingdom - Aberystwyth

Today, after waiting two weeks for an email with my online textbook access code, it still hadn't arrived in time for my quiz tomorrow, so I ended up spending most of my money on the expensive physical copy. Not long after I got back home, the email finally arrived. FML

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By Cathy - 14/12/2009 05:03 - United States

Today, my husband was choosing an auto insurance. Geico was $500 and Allstate was $200. He chose Geico because it had a 'cute little lizard.' FML

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By Lifeless - 15/8/2010 08:42 - United States

Today, I put on makeup for a picture. My Facebook profile picture. That's how much of a life I actually have. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2012 02:22 - United States

Today, I was cooking with super hot ghost peppers. The package said "After handling them not to touch your eyes, nose or pets". They should've added "penis" to that list. FML

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By ksztte - 27/2/2010 13:17 - United States

Today, the soon-to-be father of my baby told me he thinks I'm an extremly selfish person, and that I do not love him. His reasoning? I haven't given him a backrub in 2 weeks, sleep too much and have a hormonal problem. Once again, I AM PREGNANT! FML

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By broken vows - 15/3/2014 21:48 - Canada - Cambridge

Today, I followed my wife out, since she's been acting strangely lately and I was suspicious. She met up with a guy at a restaurant, who she later claimed was her brother. Either she's cheating on me, or it's tradition in her family to make out and grope each other at the end of meals. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2012 15:44 - United States

Today, despite my pleading, my boyfriend mounted a set of bullhorns above our headboard. Guess what came crashing down on our heads at 2am. FML

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By imarriedanaxemurderer - 18/6/2013 05:01 - United States - Joliet

Today, my husband was in our newborn's room, holding and talking to him. I guess he forgot the baby monitor, because I overheard him say, "Wanna know a secret? Daddy kills people." I really hope he was just quoting Dexter. FML

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Top comments

By Cheryl Brown | 4

#7902501 - Friday 1 May 2020 20:06

I’d be making a call to the authorities

By Robert Cruikshank | 7

#7902522 - Friday 1 May 2020 21:46

I’m putting this one on you. You should have known your sister would do such a thing.

COMMENTS

By Cheryl Brown | 4

#7902501 - Friday 1 May 2020 20:06

I’d be making a call to the authorities

By RichardPencil | 28

#7902505 - Friday 1 May 2020 20:27

Suck it up! You don't want to become another opioid statistic.

And wasn't it stupid of you to send your drunkard sister to pick your narcotics?

Reply

kfchicken_fml | 26

#7902896 - Sunday 3 May 2020 13:47

I agree with the latter but come on man, op should get pain meds after a car accident.

Reply

ViviMage | 38

#7903304 - Monday 4 May 2020 19:06

Depends on when the sister got drunk.

By Robert Cruikshank | 7

#7902522 - Friday 1 May 2020 21:46

I’m putting this one on you. You should have known your sister would do such a thing.

By Mellowyellow15 | 8

#7902564 - Saturday 2 May 2020 5:35

Sucks to be you. Call the police on her ass.

By Ivy Driscoll | 3

#7902679 - Saturday 2 May 2020 15:43

File a police report immediately

By AmbrosiaFan | 18

#7903033 - Monday 4 May 2020 0:19

Sounds like you know she is unreliable. Should have asked someone else.

By Matthew Irmen | 11

#7903072 - Monday 4 May 2020 1:45

Hmmm... a sister with a dirtbag boyfriend? Bravo!

By ViviMage | 38

#7903303 - Monday 4 May 2020 19:06

Well, the narcotics or controlled substances my local pharmacy won't give without your driver's license. So go back with your license. They couldn't have given out the narcotics at least!

If they charge you make sure the sister pays for the replacement pills.

Reply

Jill Marie Peters | 11

#7904964 - Sunday 10 May 2020 0:53

The pharmacy probably won't replace the narcotics.