By Anonymous - 17/07/2016 14:51 - United States - Philadelphia
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hopefully he doesnt leave you OP, when the baby is born theres always paternity tests
If it's safe to do so, you can always test paternity while the baby is still in the womb. Granted, this could cause complications in the pregnancy, possibly a miscarriage and a slew of other things so it wouldn't be my first recommendation but, if they're in a rush or they want to know now, it might be an option.
You can hardly blame him, though, can you? You may have to get a paternity test to straighten this out.
I don't know, I would blame him, to an extent. Not only is he unwilling to listen to facts about a procedure he underwent (apparently without proper research) but by not believing his wife he is showing that somewhere in him he thinks of her as a whore and a liar. I understand that there is always, always the possibility of cheating, but there has to be a certain level of trust in situations like this. If he doesn't stick around to at least wait for a paternity test, he's going to destroy their relationship.
The failure rate for vasectomies after a few months is around 1 in 2000, or 0.05%. I'm not sure what percentage of married folks cheat, but I'll bet my favourite testicle that it's a hell of a lot higher than 0.05%. So yeah, consider that against the word of the very person he suspects of cheating, and it's more than reasonable for him to suspect shenanigans.
To be fair, I think the fact that she let him in on the pregnancy should at least count for something, no? If she was cheating and knew he'd had a vasectomy, it'd make more sense for her to just quietly get an abortion or something, rather than try to convince him that the baby is his. In a similar situation, I'd expect my partner to express trust and support...but in return I would offer to get a paternity test. That way no one can look down on him for being "fooled," and I can end any doubts he may have.
Regardless of what you may think, he isn't necessarily in the wrong. I'm sorry but if I were in his position I would think the exact same thing, however where I would differ is that I would instead proceed with the testing, to prove it is indeed my child. Simple thinking could save their marriage, but it just seems like the husband isn't the brightest tool in the shed, good thing he got a vesactomy (or at least it should be). Good luck OP, hopefully you were telling the truth about not cheating. Hope to see a follow up as well.
Um, yes? I would blame him, simply because marriage is about trust. The fact that other people cheat does not mean he's expected or required to assume his wife did. He should have enough faith in her to at least let her explain, and give her the benefit of the doubt.
Actually it's closer to a 1% failure rate after you have been given the all clear. But we don't know OP's situation. She could have gotten pregnant before hubby was given the all clear. So to quoting statistics is fine but try living it. Like I mentioned in my comment I'm 5 months pregnant with a 5 year post vasectomy baby. We are apart of the crew who's big V reversed itself. We had a sperm count check before we rushed to any hasty conclusions. There is no doubt now. Not to mention my baby boy has his the "insert last name here" family chin. Let's think positive for OP and this new life. Her head is probably reeling harder than a tequila hangover. I know mine was and it took me months to truly be happy about a pregnancy that wasn't planned or wanted. Give her the same respect.
I can understand him thinking that a vasectomy is good reason to question the pregnancy. But asking him to trust you and work on the assumption you've been faithful until a paternity test can be done is also fair. I hope he gives you that. Even now, it's relatively easy to test if he's shooting blanks or not. He might need the vasectomy redone.
Pretty sure pregnancy isn't something she could hide, and not everyone is as down to just up and have an abortion either. The failure rate on vasectomies is extremely low, and they're supposed to do follow up visits to make sure you're shooting blanks after having one. Either they didn't follow procedure or OP cheated and is hoping he's just going to sit back and accept her "They sometimes fail" as fact. As far as her husband knows, he was shooting blanks. For her to end up pregnant is EXTREMELY suspicious. Easiest way to tell, have the husband call up his doctor and get his sperm count tested. If he's shooting blanks, it's obvious she cheated. If he's not, surprise fatherhood.
Might as well divorce then. If you need a paternity test to prove your wife isn't cheating on you because you had a vasectomy, the trust is already dead no matter the circumstances or results of the test. Either she did nothing wrong and he's crazy or she's lying. There are no winners there. And to all you that advocate the test, you're part of the problem. Stop talking sides. Her marriage just died. Show some respect.
#77 You are being too alarmist. This is just a bad moment they are going through. Absolutely everybody can deceive you, no matter what kind of relatinship they have with you. History and facts (check FMLs) are full of stories of workmates, friends, brothers, wifes/husband or even father or mothers tricking, lying, abuse or having suffering someone. Starting from this situation, you can't reasonnably demand to anybody to trust you 100% blindly when odds, proofs and contexts are against you. If you have someone who does, nice. But you can't demand that. The vasectomy reverse rate must be must be ridculously lower to the cheating/hurting rate. You can't blame nobody for taking that into account. Just think about it the other way around (there was actually a french FML like this) : "Today, my wife who says she has always been faceful to me is pregnant. I had a vasectomy some years ago. FML" How does it sounds?
77, her marriage didn't just die. We don't know how they reacted after this original reaction and, quite frankly, it's none of our business. It's entirely possibly he was just freaked out and didn't think his vasectomy failed or reversed or whatever but, after having some time, he could have started thinking straight and realized this. He had a vasectomy - it's reasonable in this situation that he'd be shocked to discover his wife is pregnant and freak out and think/react irrationally before calming down and actually thinking about it calmly.
Except he's not playing the odds on random strangers behaviors, he's not believing that something is possible when it very very factually is, in his own relationship. You can't pull "statistically it's more likely that you are cheating on me than that the vasectomy failed" in a relationship.
#88 And why couldn't he? I mean, look at the divorce rates. i would not adventure myself to give statistics, but I deeply believe that almost each person getting married think they are with the person of their life. But even when you love each other, you can fail. And someone can cheat on you. A friend of mine was really in love with her boyfriend and she deeply hate the mere idea of cheating. And yet, eventually, she cheated on her boyfriend. It can happen to almost everybody without bad intentions. You hear much more about cheating relationship than about reversed vasectomy. Actually, if it was not for this FML, the only reversed vasectomy I ever heard about was Victor Newman's.
Yeah, I also think that yes, you CAN blame him. I, for one, would be livid if my partner questioned his child's paternity. I would make it crystal clear that he can either believe me and just get his test later on if it makes him feel better, or leave. I don't care about the circumstances, they're supposed to believe me in terms of "innocent until proven guilty". If my partner doesn't take my word for it, they can pack their bags. Of course, none of this applies to OP. I'm merely relating this to try and convey that you don't have to let his attitude get you down. Best of luck to you.
You can think what you want or call me negative but I've seen this situation happen. It rots the relationship from the inside. Even if it's all some fairytale ending where no one did anything wrong, the mistrust has been exposed. How do you think that will make her feel, getting a paternity test when she's faithful? How do you think she feels now? Honestly, I hope she did cheat so she at least deserves it. Because not today but eventually this will catch up to them. A relationship can't exist without trust and considering that there is a very possible and reasonable explanation for what happened, his first thought being that she slept around on him indicates that he already was suspicious. As some people having pointed out, what if the procedure was done improperly? The rate of pregnancy from unprotected sex isn't that high. You can go years without getting pregnant. But good luck to all of you in your future relationships. I hope your partners never need to rely on you, as the commentors are likely to leave them high and dry.
#109 I get your point, and it totally makes sense. But my point is, it must be hard to believe, for the improbable it sounds. Again. They did the operation and for years nothing happens, when, out of the blue, your wife comes to you one day and say she is pregnant while you are supposed to be sterile. I can, without any trouble, imagine how hard this must be and how much you have to question everything again, because (again) cheating is widley spread. And cheating seems to be more and more common as time passes... I can put myself in her shoes too. Trying to be trusted while the one you love does not. But what happenned is improbable, and she must understand it too because she must have had a shock herself. To my point, he should believe her word, but it is not so easy to accept the fact something happenned in spite of an operation. To me, this doubt is 100&understandable in those times. How many stories of father being made a fool of waiting for their child and discovering one day they are not the father. This here is one of the major fears of men. Being cheted and raising a child that is not yours, thinking it is... Not that men are better, but for these cases, you always know who is the mother. To me, the solution is simple. Until you get the result (sperm check, or paternity test....) the guy has (for the sake of his wife's love) accept and bear the doubt, and leave if he has been lied too. On the other hand, if he is not convinced 100% the wife is not lying, once proven to be the father, he has to make it up 10 times to the mother. But in those cases, doubt is hard to supress, and no human being is perfect.
Twingedkitty Listen, mistrust in a relationship is something I cannot stand either. I am 100% with you on that. I've made it crystal clear to my husband that I will NOT appreciate groundless suspicions or jumping to conclusions. I know he has been cheated on more than once in the past and because of that I'm more patient with him and I've told him he's allowed to ask me anything and I will always be truthful, and he can voice any fears or concerns and I'll do what I can (within reason) to help him feel safe, but if he ever flat-out accuses me of anything I will be livid and maybe even leave. I feel THAT strongly about lack of trust, and I too have seen it destroy relationships, and I will have absolutely none of it in mine. THAT BEING SAID, if it were a case like OP's, where he got a vasectomy and then several years later I got pregnant, from him,... I would completely understand if he felt upset, hurt, betrayed and found it difficult to believe me until I got a paternity test. The chances of a vasectomy failing are so low, that he'd have to be a fool to still have complete 100% trust in me. I would be upset if he didn't even want to entertain the notion that the vasectomy failed, but if he was doubtful I would be reassured that he actually had brains. If he's absolutely convinced that I'm cheating then yes, I'd be hurt and angry, but if he couldn't fully believe me because it was just so improbable not to mention he's dealt with cheaters before, I would understand and I would not consider that a 'marriage falling apart'. Something huge has happened to test our trust/loyalty but it doesn't mean oh shit now it's all over because he's got doubts. It's entirely reasonable to doubt your faith in your partner if the chance of them telling the truth is statistically .05% - at least SOME doubt. I'd be worried if this were to happen and he was like 'oh ok, no worries hun I completely believe you' - I'd actually think I married an idiot who clicked on spam emails. I can understand both sides and this is a horrible thing to happen to anyone, but you are being quite harsh and demanding to expect that not even a post-vasectomy baby ought to shake your partner's trust in you.
Congratulations on the little one! And I'm sorry your husband doesn't believe you. Hopefully he does once the baby comes.
If my husband spent 9 months accusing me of cheating, and being resentful of the child because he didn't think it was his, I think it would take a lot more than him seeing the baby when it's born and knowing it's his, to fix our relationship. A lot of counseling. I think it would take a long time to gain back the trust and respect that I would lose for him,