By Long sufferer - 21/2/2021 02:01

Marriage going well is it?

Today, at 5:30 a.m., my wife woke me to order milk for our business because she forgot to do so last night. She then chewed me out for doing it there and then, waking her up. I'm apparently useless, always complaining and in a bad mood about the most mundane things. What? FML

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Living together

Understandable

Christine

Gentle prank

By DumpedHisAss - United States

Today, I got a phone call from my boyfriend, who screamed at me for being a f-ing liar and never taking time for him. He'd called my work and knew I wasn't there as I said I'd be. He was right - I was lying. I'd been driving for the past 10 hours to his family's beach house to surprise him. FML

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By Bridget Jones? - United Kingdom - Wolverhampton

Today, I found out that my family has a bet on how long I will be single for. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Clive

Today, at my local amusement park, I decided it'd be fun to meet someone on the roller coaster by sitting alone and hoping that someone nice would sit next to me. I rode the roller coaster 7 times. I sat alone each time. FML

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By Sammylad - United Kingdom

Today, I was giving a talk in class, when halfway through someone pointed out that my pubes were sticking out my trousers. FML

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By SE011194 - United States - Atlanta

Today, my boyfriend told me that the girl he really likes sees me as a threat. FML

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By stupid - Lithuania - Prienai

Today, I was taking a bus ride home, listening to some music. The music stopped and I assumed my iPod's battery had run out. Turns out someone managed to steal it, leaving my earphones in. I didn't feel a thing. FML

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By

My anal beads

Today, my bathroom flooded. I frantically cleaned my apartment as fast as I could before the plumber arrived. Everything was finally clean when I let him in. It wasn't until after he finished that I noticed I'd left my anal beads in the shower. There's no way he didn't notice. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Karlskrona

Today, I had to use a public bathroom. I'm pregnant, though I don't really suffer from morning sickness. I do however suffer from sympathy puking, which kicked in with horrifying consequences when someone burst in and started vomiting in one of the other stalls. FML

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By jessiluvxx - United States - Kearny

Today, I was called to be told I'm fired for not showing up for my shift. I guess she didn't check her voice message to see that I gave birth last night. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Waterford

Today, my friend offered to make me a playlist for the gym. I thought it was really thoughtful, until I started listening to it during my workout and realized that every single song was "Supersize Me" with the title changed. FML

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By John Doe - United States - Columbia

Today, my parents continue comparing me to my "perfect" friend. He smokes dope, is a compulsive thief, and has gone to juvie numerous times. I'm passing school with flying colors and have never been in any trouble with the law. Apparently I should be more like him. FML

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By itsnotyouitsme - United States - San Francisco

Today, after breaking up with my boyfriend of 2 years, I was backing out of his driveway when he came running out yelling "STOP!" I thought he wanted to make up so I kept going, until I'd run over his dog. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was having an after work-out dinner with my ex-girlfriend and we were having a great time, catching up, eating good food, all the good things. Then when I got home, I realized I just talked to my ex-girlfriend for an hour and a half about how much better her new boyfriend is than me. FML

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By sadsadperson - Australia

Today, I lied to my diary about getting laid. FML

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By MrSlav - 12/11/2020 17:57 - Lithuania - Siauliai

Litter

Today, I rubbed my heel raw with a new shoe, so I put a bandaid on and went to the pool. A few minutes later, I noticed the bandaid floating close to me. I'm not an ass so I quickly fished it out and put in the pocket of my swimming trunks. Later, I went to shower and noticed that my bandaid was still on my heel. FML

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By mistletoe - United States - Miami

Today, as a pickup line, a guy said to me, "Yo, can I kiss your vag' under the mistletoe?" FML

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By DriveMeNot - United States

Today, I reached into my pocket and found my mom's car keys. I'm a four hour drive away, and she obviously can't come to pick them up. FML

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By hjufidskndf - United States

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend has been asked by multiple people "why he is going out with such an ugly girl." FML

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By nipped - Australia

Today, I thought it would be fun to tease my dog by standing above her and hitting each of her paws repeatedly. My dog thought it would be fun to jump up and bite at my chest whilst I wasn't wearing a shirt. I just spent four hours in hospital getting my nipple sewn back on. FML

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By ProneToBlondeMoments - United Kingdom

Today, I was just about to do an important presentation in front of my boss and co-workers. When, without warning I tripped in front of everyone and knocked a VERY expensive computer off the table. How do I know it was so expensive? I'm paying for it. FML

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By thanksalot - United States

Today, my mum called and told me she had bought me a new, white dish washer for my apartment because it doesn't have one. I was SO excited and told her I'd pay her back as soon as I could. I only had to pay her $1.25. She bought me a sponge. FML

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By Jessie - United States

Today, I got stuck listening to my coworker bang on about how sexy her fiancé is for almost an hour. She told me about their sex life, described his dick in great detail, and showed me pictures of him shirtless. My coworker is 49; her fiancé is 56 and overweight. FML

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By Hreyes - United States

Today, I overheard my boss stressing out over finding a replacement for me. I didn't know I was leaving. FML

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By Anonymous - Switzerland - Bern

Today, as if to prove that there is no end to the unspeakable stupidity of the human race, a patient was brought into my hospital, needing a cellphone removed from his anus. FML

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By badboyfriends - United States

Today, my best friend got a new boyfriend. She asked him what he wanted for his upcoming birthday, and he said he just wanted to hang out with her and watch a movie or two. I thought it was sweet, so I asked my boyfriend what he would like for his upcoming birthday. He said a blow job. FML

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By Brax - United States

Are you experienced?

Today, my girlfriend stuck her finger up my butt while giving me a hand-job, promising it would feel really good. It just felt awkward and made me need to poop. FML

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By omfgnooo - United States

Today, I was masturbating while chewing gum. Halfway into the session, the gum flew down my throat, causing me to violently choke. My mom had to rush in and help me while I still had my pants around my ankles. FML

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By spanishteach - United States

Today, I told my students that I would be absent tomorrow because my wife was giving birth. They burst into applause... not to congratulate me on the new baby. FML

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By roughsexgonewrong - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boyfriend's response to me saying "Most women like a bit of filth in the bedroom every now and again" was to start farting in bed. Not quite what I meant. FML

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By sillyrabbit - United States

Today, after I had filled up my car and got into it I saw a cute guy running towards me. I flashed a smile and left the door open and said "hey" when he was next to me. He said, "the pump is still attached to your car, you really should be more careful." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out that my mother has been telling everybody that I’m a lesbian, because both of her best friends have at least one gay child each, and she was feeling left out. This explains why people have been treating me differently the last few weeks. FML

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By double trouble

Today, I found my bike that was stolen a week ago in front of someone's house. Now this wouldn't have been a problem if my husband didn't steal it to go meet with his girlfriend. FML

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By zamwow - United States - Ridgefield Park

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Just as he was about to finish, he pulled out and came in his hand. He then flicked his hand towards my face and yelled, "Sha-ZAM!" FML

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By mooselord - United States

Today, I was driving home, when a truck overtook me. Two of the Christmas trees it was carrying fell off straight into my bumper. The car behind me pulled over, but instead of seeing if I was okay, he just went to see whether or not either of the trees was in good enough shape to take home. FML

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By IronMonkey - United States

Useless tools

Today, I work for a company that sells a leading brand of condoms. They give away free condoms to employees at the office. I haven't gotten laid since I began working here. FML

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By dadyoureacunt - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my dad made a big show of sending me to my room and grounding me for a week. Not because he heard me cursing at my video game, but because I "swear like a little girl" and it embarrassed him in front of his friends. FML

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By Epiphany - United States

Today, I finally realized how depressed I am when I found bubble wrap and didn't feel like popping it. FML

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By Anonymous - Finland

Today, my sad ass got walked in on by a relative while I was having an imaginary conversation, with an imaginary friend, and I was talking out loud. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my daughter has a hit list. There are over thirty names on there. My name is on it as well. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a panic attack because my boyfriend thought it would be sexy to choke me in the middle of sex. FML

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Top comments

By cacheson | 41

#7973110 - Sunday 21 February 2021 2:31

Sounds like you’re in an abusive relationship. From what you described, she may have borderline personality disorder or something similar, so if you can get her in to see a mental health professional that’s probably best for both of you.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7973112 - Sunday 21 February 2021 2:44

I'll bet she'll be really impressed that you spent the time to write an FML about it, and getting published!

Surely, that will be great for your business!

COMMENTS

By cacheson | 41

#7973110 - Sunday 21 February 2021 2:31

Sounds like you’re in an abusive relationship. From what you described, she may have borderline personality disorder or something similar, so if you can get her in to see a mental health professional that’s probably best for both of you.

Reply

tounces7 | 27

#7973355 - Monday 22 February 2021 5:04

Getting out would be an even better option. Toxic/Abusive people almost never change.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7973112 - Sunday 21 February 2021 2:44

I'll bet she'll be really impressed that you spent the time to write an FML about it, and getting published!

Surely, that will be great for your business!

By rainbowdonnareed | 15

#7973116 - Sunday 21 February 2021 3:34

She needs help. Can you set up a system where you know to order things?

Reply

mando | 8

#7973123 - Sunday 21 February 2021 4:56

Yes, I agree, she does need help, an ordering system could solve so many issues, that way you aren't trying to guess what the rules are for products and messing up.

By jc1015 | 23

#7973135 - Sunday 21 February 2021 6:45

point out she already awake if she's waking you up to make the order...make sure to yell at her for waking you up and also for being irresponsible

By Malachi Malachi | 3

#7973467 - Monday 22 February 2021 16:53

she need mental help. you need a new partner.