Today, my fiancé's ex-wife thought it was perfectly acceptable... - FML

By hell no!

Today, my fiancé's ex-wife thought it was perfectly acceptable to give herself a part in our upcoming wedding. She wants to "give" him away to me, the same way a father does to a bride. Apparently, I'm being unreasonable and selfish for denying her request. My fiancé told me to at least think about it. FML

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This Charming Man

Missed opportunities

Teenagers…

By Bobby ray slice - United States

Today, I went into a public bathroom and walked in on a guy checking his butt out in the mirror to see if he'd wiped properly. FML

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By silent one - United States

Today, I had to stifle a fart so my upstairs neighbors wouldn't hear it. I know this because I frequently hear theirs. FML

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By Anonymous

Stir crazy, part 16

Today, my wife was so sick of being isolated with the kids while I, a key worker, got to "escape" to work everyday, that she locked herself in our room and got completely trashed on my cider, meaning I had to stay at home with the kids instead of helping my elderly patients. FML

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By MILF - United States - Maryland Heights

Today, one of my most problematic students remained after class, whence he strongly insinuated his interest in receiving oral sex; I tried to convey just how inappropriate that was, when he interrupted, "Look, will you at least touch it?" FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I let my 9-year-old daughter use my tablet while I made her dinner. A few minutes later, she let out a blood-curdling scream. Turned out she'd searched for My Little Pony pictures and stumbled upon a drawing of Rainbow Dash giving another pony a blowjob. FML

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By Purple - United States - Fremont

Today, my dad told me that my mom wanted to name me something "unusual." He eventually got her to compromise. I go by Violet. I now know that my legal name is Purple. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Antonio

Today, during a party, my drunk mother stumbled over to take a picture of me and my brother. She told me to put a party blower in my mouth for the picture, but I politely declined. She threatened to spank me in front of everyone if I didn't do it. FML

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By lionhead14 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up needing to wee. I was at my boyfriend's and didn't want to wake him, so I sat on the edge of the toilet and peed as quietly as possible. I realised after that I'd sat too far over and had peed on the floor. There was no loo paper. FML

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By Butch - United States - Mcdonough

Today, our e-mail server went down. When I called IT to find out what the status was, they told me they e-mailed everyone with an update. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I drove three and a half hours to surprise my long distance boyfriend for our anniversary. He was out of town. Where was he? Three and a half hours away trying to surprise me. FML

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By embarrassedmom - United States

Kids say the funniest things

Today, my 6 year-old daughter saw a man in a wheelchair whose leg had been amputated. She walks up to him and says, "What happened?" He answers kindly that he's a war veteran. She then responds, "Well then you deserve to get your leg blown off. You shouldn't be killing people." FML

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By parkingisawesome - United States

Today, leaving the restaurant I work in, the car next to mine was very crookedly parked. I had a hard time backing out. It turned out the whole restaurant was watching me, and they all started to clap as I drove away. FML

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By fedlife - United States

Today, I was going running. It was an especially windy day and things were flying through the wind. Apparently, bodily fluid can also fly through the wind. Turns out, a women was barfing over a bridge and the wind caught it and it flew through the air. Right into my face and body. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was riding my bike and swerved to avoid hitting a lizard. I ended up sliding into a bush and skinning myself, only to find my tires had still managed to cut the lizard to pieces. FML

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By newkid

Today, I was so lonely, I dragged out a conversation with a lady who called to get me to make an appointment to give blood. FML

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By not mine! - 16/6/2020 05:07

It wasn't me

Today, I had to make the heartbreaking decision to break up with my boyfriend and kick him out after his second relapse. A few hours later, I had police banging down my door. To get back at me, my now ex had called the cops and anonymously reported all the drugs he’d hidden around my house. FML

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By Unknown - Canada

Today, I turned off my boyfriends Xbox while he was playing because I wanted to talk to him about getting more serious with our relationship. As I did so, he said, "that's not the only thing you just turned off" and promptly broke up with me. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Oakville

Today, while waiting in line to get my medication, a man who just got his prescription looked me up and down and said "Penis pills, right? Ya look like the type." Then he walked out as a couple of other guys in line started snickering. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I caught my ex trying to slash my car tires with a knife. She actually had the balls to claim she was testing my tire pressure, before power-walking off into the distance like nothing had happened. FML

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By _aPerson_ - Canada - Airdrie

Today, I lost the key to my bike lock. I ended up having to cut it off, even though it was brand new. After spending 30 minutes hacking away at it, it finally came off. When I hopped onto my bike, I felt something poking my leg. My key was in my pocket the whole time. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2021 21:59 - United States - Crystal City

TMI

Today, my neighbor, who is an elderly woman that I barely know, decided to tell me about how she feels she's lost too much weight and now when she looks at herself naked she thinks her boobs hang and look like bull testicles. FML

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By weirded out - United States - Brentwood

Today, I saw a customer at the restaurant I work at lovingly petting his cheeseburger and whispering sweet promises to it. FML

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By Anonymous - Brazil

Today, my long-distance boyfriend was at my house for a 10-day visit. He told me that we'd never spent so much time together, so he didn't know me well and now, he'd finally met the "real me". He doesn't like it. FML

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By warp_routine - United States

Today, I got on an elevator with a woman and her child. I was the first one on. When she stepped on, the capacity alarm went off. As she left she told her daughter that's why fat people shouldn't be allowed in public. I'm 145 lbs. She was twice my size. I got called fat by a hippopotamus. FML

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By max5 - France - Casseneuil

Today, my ex-girlfriend sent me an email. I was excited that she wanted to make amends for cheating on me before I dumped her. No, the email had a photo of her making out with the guy she cheated on me with, and the caption, "What you wish you still had". FML

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By get me out of this house! - United States

Today, my grandma begins her second week of unemployment. So far, she has paced outside my door, randomly comes into my room, and I woke up this morning to find a bible on my bed. I now look forward to going to work every day. FML

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By sorryyouweregone - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I was at a goodbye dinner with friends before I move back to America. A friend called to cry over relationship problems she refuses to fix. While I was outside trying to politely get off the phone, my friends ate and drank everything I'd ordered and closed the bill. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a UTI. After, taking some sample medicine my doctor gave to me, I had a lot of back pain and nausea. I also spent 6 hours in the ER with no health insurance because I thought I was urinating blood. Nope, "peeing red" is just a little side effect my doctor forgot to inform me of. FML

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By anon - Australia - Kingston

Today, I needed to borrow money from my girlfriend. I went into her bag and pulled out the money all while a lady watched me open-mouthed. Turns out it wasn't my girlfriend's bag. It belonged to the lady watching me. FML

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By cloudberry - United States - Astoria

Today, I told my mom I was going out to hang out with some friends. She looked me dead in the eye and said, "Don't lie to me." FML

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By gross - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I changed my toothbrush because the bristles were wearing down. My brother later asked me why I changed his toothbrush. Apparently we've been sharing the same one for the past several weeks. FML

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By Anon - Australia

Head in the Clouds

Today, my 33-year-old brother told my 10-year-old daughter that clouds are made by factories blowing smoke. My daughter laughed at him and he got upset. He still believed my dad's lie from 25 years ago. FML

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By mymomsstupid - United States

Today, I woke up to the news that my mom's in jail. FML

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By haayloo - Canada

Today, I had just finished re-completing all my assignments because I had lost my USB last week. I reached into my pocket for gum, instead I found the USB that I had apparently lost. I spent my weekend alone rather than spending time with my friends. I don't have another weekend off for a month. FML

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By doubleCoupon - United States - San Francisco

Today, my friend excitedly told me about the number of guys who are romantically interested in her. I realized how pathetic my life is when all I could talk about in turn was the number of coupons I got to use today at the store. FML

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By evomadrid24 - United States

Today, my girlfriend smelt my penis after I got back from the gym. She was making sure it didn't smell like latex. I can't even go to the gym without her thinking I'm cheating on her. FML

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By Anonymous

Rock Bottom Riser

Today I realized that my boyfriend has more money on his Metro card than I have in my entire bank account. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I was rejected from the University of Washington. My dad has been a professor there for 30 years, and is on the board of admissions. FML

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By lfssecond - United States

Today, while arriving at my best friend's wedding, I accidentally ran over her 2 dogs. FML

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By anon - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I slept with my deputy manager. He slept with my insane jealous housemate months ago. I need to find a new job and a new flat. FML

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Top comments

By blondie45 | 21

#7824486 - Thursday 25 July 2019 4:53

Are you sure you want to marry this guy???

By core01 | 30

#7824478 - Thursday 25 July 2019 4:44

Nope right out of the whole three-way relationship.

COMMENTS

By purplekanc | 17

#7824470 - Thursday 25 July 2019 4:14

I would talk to him about it. I hope it gets better.

By core01 | 30

#7824478 - Thursday 25 July 2019 4:44

Nope right out of the whole three-way relationship.

By jk_waks | 20

#7824480 - Thursday 25 July 2019 4:47

From what I can decipher, they seem to have parted ways on a good term with no grudges. And that’s probably why she even suggested this. May be they want to make the wedding kind of fun that way.

By i8cake | 12

#7824483 - Thursday 25 July 2019 4:49

unless he has kids with the ex, I would be concerned with her active involvement in his and your lives! but even so, that's a weird 💩 ask and would not entertain!

think twice before getting married to him!

Reply

skippydoda | 32

#7824682 - Thursday 25 July 2019 10:42

Even with kids, that's a lot of involvement in his life.

By blondie45 | 21

#7824486 - Thursday 25 July 2019 4:53

Are you sure you want to marry this guy???

By Henry8cooper | 15

#7824487 - Thursday 25 July 2019 4:54

I can't imagine how short a time unit should be, to give me exactly enough time to think that one over with all the scrutiny it deserves.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7824505 - Thursday 25 July 2019 5:32

You ought to send him back to her and move on. Nothing to see here, folks.

By Charlie Given | 23

#7824518 - Thursday 25 July 2019 5:55

Umm WOW this screams all sorts of red flags ,like he was in a abusive relationship with ex , or there's still something going on between them or they are far to close to each other or even one or both isn't over the other one 🤔

By Nathanael Johnson | 15

#7824640 - Thursday 25 July 2019 9:32

Not to mention that this is something your father probably is looking forward to

Reply

Taylor Caldwell | 10

#7824854 - Thursday 25 July 2019 17:46

The father of the bride doesn’t “give away” the man to the wife

By skippydoda | 32

#7824684 - Thursday 25 July 2019 10:44

If my fiance didn't shut that down I wouldn't marry him.