By fml9124 - 22/10/2020 02:00 - United States

Mixology

Today, my wife is out of town on business. So I got drunk. Really drunk. Felt like swimming around midnight (we live in Arizona). Jumped in the pool… and forget how to swim. Too uncoordinated, I almost drowned. Then I threw up in the pool. FML

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Out of it

Rock, hard place

Don't shoot the messenger

By Anonymous - United States - Springfield

Today, my sister came out of the closet. By which I mean she came out as the pregnant mother of my boyfriend's child. FML

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By [email protected] - United Kingdom - Watford

Today, my drunk husband came home, got into bed, and started humping the body pillow. He ended up whining about how I hadn't come yet, then angrily slurred that I must be cheating on him. All I could do was stay quiet and wonder how the idiot even made it home alive. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got hypnotized in front of my entire school. Once I was hypnotized the guy told me that the hottest celebrity in the world was in the audience and then he told me to point out who I saw. I said I saw Mick Jagger. I'm a guy. FML

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By Socarates - Ireland

Today, I drove over 200km from Dublin to Galway, with a broken window. It rained for most of the journey. FML

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By Yuck

Today, I worked a 12-hour shift. Today my parents' cat also had diarrhoea. Rather than clean it up when said cat projectile shat all through my bed, they simply closed my door and left it for me. Since it's in my room, apparently it's my problem. They can't understand why I'm pissed. FML

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By kl - Canada

Today, after waiting a couple weeks, I finally slept with this guy I really like. It went like this: 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi, done. FML

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By Bondi414 - United States

Today, my dad made a new house rule: "If it's yellow let it mellow, if it's brown flush it down." My whole house now smells like pee. FML

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By thelunarwolf

Today, while trying to have a serious conversation with my husband about his drug use over text, he came home. Drunk. FML

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By Ashes to ashes - 16/10/2020 05:01

Oh, hi grandma!

Today, I woke up to what seemed like dirt on my face. Not dirt. It was cremated remains. My memory charm had broken open in my sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2020 20:01 - Australia - Sydney

Stuck

Today, I was told by my boss if I was late one more time he fired me. I replied, "Can I quit then if that's the case." He then said no, and gave me more shifts. FML

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By Samipearl - United States

Today, while at a restaurant with my boyfriend, a piece of ice got stuck in my throat. I couldn't get his attention until after it melted because he was busy checking in on foursquare. When he finally noticed my freaking out and I told him what had happened, he laughed. FML

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By Sarah Lyn Guillen

Today, I saw the cutest baby watching a show with my Dad. After commenting how cute she was, my Dad goes on to say, "Yeah, most babies are cute. Except you, you looked like a lizard." FML

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By weezel - South Africa

Today, I took pictures of myself and my girlfriend doing naughty things together on my camera. My mom later asked me if she could borrow the camera for the weekend. Without thinking, I gave her the camera. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my dad told me he had a present for me. It was his tooth, which he had pulled out a few minutes before. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, while on my break at work, my workmates convinced me to perform my "Indian accent" piece. Everyone laughed while I was doing it. Everyone, that is, but my Indian boss. FML

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By Notsurewhattofeelaboutthis - Australia - Ashfield

Today, I discovered that my ex-girlfriend writes erotic fiction describing all of my moves in intimate detail. The whole internet gets to critique my entire sexual repertoire. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Demopolis

Today, my dad made the local news. The business he owns is so run down and overgrown that it's officially a public health hazard. FML

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By Dizzie Rascal - United Kingdom

Today, I made spaghetti bolognese for three people. Of those three people, only one got food poisoning. Me. FML

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By Peter - United States - Boca Raton

Liar liar, poop on fire

Today, I was working at the restaurant where I wash dishes. Everyone thinks I'm a tech intern. My buddy Go Synco-ed me and so I had to capture whatever I was doing at the moment. I ran to the restroom, took my tee off and took a pic, stating, "I'm at home taking a shower." There was a guy behind me pooping. FML

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By Guessmyproffhatesme

Today, in exams to become a funeral director, my full name was used as the example of the deceased in a few questions. Actually, 22 questions. FML

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By TheMichaelNixon - United States

Today, I saw a grasshopper in the urinal so I decided to pee on it. It jumped out, scared the hell out of me, and I peed all over myself. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, as I turned to face the cashier at the supermarket, I managed to knock over an entire display of gift cards with my backpack. FML

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By realitybites - United States - Brooklyn

Today, while at the doctor's, a week overdue with my first child, I was told that sex and orgasms can sometimes help to induce labor. On the way home, my boyfriend asked for road head, arguing that "She said that stuff about orgasms." Not you, honey. FML

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By wellthisisawkward80 - United States

Today, I was attending my bachelor party. I watched a very attractive young girl dancing on a pole, giving me a seductive look. As she walked up to me, I realized it was my soon-to-be wife's younger sister. FML

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By notaslut - 8/1/2020 22:00 - United States - Greeley

Stay safe

Today, I walked into my best friend's house and her mom threw a box of condoms at me and said, "Stay safe, slut." FML

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By somechick - Canada

Today, I was eating a bag of almonds I got from the bulk food store, picking off what I thought was stringy remnants of their shells. When I finally got down to the bottom of the bag, I found a silk worm circling around the last almond left of a bag of about 200. FML

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By Rari - United States - Phoenix

Today, I broke up with my fiancé after he cheated on me, and he now refuses to move out of the apartment. I'm even contemplating just offering him my Xbox One as a bribe so I can get him out of my life for good. FML

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By ouch - United States

Today, I was volunteering at a nursing home. As a volunteer, I'm not supposed to accept any money or gifts from any of the residents. However, one elderly woman kept insisting I take her gold watch. After politely refusing for the fifth time, she decided to chuck it at my face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mount Airy

Today, I once again had to tell one of my elderly patients not to grope me. He responded by throwing his bedpan at me. It was full. FML

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By xOdaatx - Australia

Today, my fiancé told me his ex-wife was 5 weeks pregnant. I was happy for her, and glad she had finally moved on. Until I found out who the father was. They're moving back in together, for the baby's sake. FML

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By InnocenceBlue

Today, I finally managed to get my electrician boyfriend to agree to replace our old lights, after a year of asking. Saturday, he couldn't be bothered and Sunday he came down with a mysterious man flu. This is about the 10th time this has happened. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Amersham

Today, my boyfriend of 3 months moved in to my apartment. I had never been to his place because his roommate was a drug addict, so it came as quite a surprise when he brought three taxidermied cats with him, insisting that I let him mount them in the living room. FML

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By boredatwork - Canada

Today, I was caught going on Facebook at work. I was called into my boss' office to be reprimanded, and while he was lecturing me on the importance of staying focussed and the misuse of company property, his computer beeped. It was his Facebook chat notifying him of a new message. FML

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By JoanT - 20/10/2020 11:08

Hangry

Today, while petting one of the goats we have, the other one was jealous so it ripped out a chunk of my hair. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2020 12:02 - Canada - Ottawa

It wasn't me

Today, my mom blamed me for her family knowing about my dad cheating on her. She has forgiven him after multiple affairs with different ladies, yet she blames me that her family found out because they question her decision to be with him. FML

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By bym

Today, I got braces fitted. For the next two years, I'll be the most handsome guy on earth. FML

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By Please go home

Today, has been the third week my boyfriend's best friend has been sleeping on our bedroom floor because he doesn't want to face the consequences of his actions back at his parents' place. My boyfriend sees no problem with this, and says he can stay and live off us as long as he wants. FML

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By yeah - United States - Eugene

Today, I got in trouble for missing my shift. According to my idiot boss, "Crashes don't just happen." FML

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By addictedtofml - United States

Today, I called my boyfriend crying to tell him I had the most terrible day. He said I should come over, and he would make me feel better. I said I just want to snuggle, and I was impressed with his sincerity. Then he said, "Can we snuggle... with my dick in you?" FML

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By ohn0es - United States

Today, just another casual morning. I went to go drop a deuce in the bathroom. Barely being awake I didn't notice my roommates had put glad wrap between the seat and toilet, so i got piss and shit all over me. FML

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Top comments

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7946791 - Thursday 22 October 2020 6:14

Time to give up the booze before your wife finds your bloated corpse face down in your pool surrounded by puke.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7946783 - Thursday 22 October 2020 5:00

Thanks for bringing our state's name into this. We're so proud now!

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7946783 - Thursday 22 October 2020 5:00

Thanks for bringing our state's name into this. We're so proud now!

By Nhayaa | 21

#7946786 - Thursday 22 October 2020 5:12

If you wait for your wife to be out of town so you can get drunk your life must be boring as hell...

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7946791 - Thursday 22 October 2020 6:14

Time to give up the booze before your wife finds your bloated corpse face down in your pool surrounded by puke.

By Solarizeman | 12

#7946844 - Thursday 22 October 2020 11:23

sounds like it would be better for you to get drunk when she is home. can't trust yourself.

By alex_jaguara | 29

#7946920 - Thursday 22 October 2020 18:44

That's exactly how a boy I knew drowned in a lake. Very irresponcible of you.