By fml9124 - 22/10/2020 02:00 - United States

Mixology

Today, my wife is out of town on business. So I got drunk. Really drunk. Felt like swimming around midnight (we live in Arizona). Jumped in the pool… and forget how to swim. Too uncoordinated, I almost drowned. Then I threw up in the pool. FML

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Proactive

Serious times

Impatience

By Predator - 21/3/2021 18:30 - United States - Cedar Rapids

Such a healthy environment

Today, on my first full day on Marine Corps boot camp, my drill instructor pulled me and another kid in front of 200 other recruits to vote on who was uglier between the two of us. I won. FML

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By Username - France

Today, it was the hottest day of the year so I opened my sun roof. The hottest day of the year was followed by the biggest storm of the year. I forgot to close my sun roof and my car is now flooded. FML

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By OCDrunk - Australia

Today, when drunk, I became OCD about everything and spent 3 hours making sure that the books on my shelves were straight. I thought that being drunk was supposed to be fun. FML

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By kana__ - Japan

Today, my sister got her retouched wedding photos. Apparently one of the things she had the professional do was edit me out of them. FML

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By Danger Dave - 21/12/2020 04:58

Panic

Today, it's been almost 24 hours since my wife bent down and couldn't get back up. After laying in bed all day in agony with a bad back, an ambulance was called. She still currently can't stand in the hospital. I have two kids to look after and am supposed to be in work tomorrow. I have no idea what to do. FML

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By stupid me - 28/10/2020 06:02 - Israel

Freudian slip

Today, while hugging my sister's husband, I accidentally let out a "Mmm…" sound in front my whole family. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I asked my school counselor in strict confidence for advice on how to help a friend of mine, who has bulimia. When I got home, I found out that "someone" had called my parents and told them that I'm bulimic. They won't believe the truth. FML

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By Jade - United States - Reseda

Today, my wackjob roommate decided to sit next to me on the couch, basically make out with her pet rabbit, and baby-talk to it. Key highlights involved giggling while the bunny licked up inside her nose and then commenting on the rabbit's "pronounced nipples". Why? FML

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By wideawake - United Kingdom

Today, my husband fell asleep for two hours at a dinner party. We were the hosts. FML

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By Ipickthegoodones - United States

Today, I had three sheriffs come to my door, turns out my boyfriend of three years went on a robbing spree last week and brought the stolen merchandise back to my apartment. The best part: He used my car while committing the robberies. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Napier

Today, a guy asked for my number at the grocery store, but I politely told him I wasn't interested. He followed me home and took a shit on my doorstep. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fresno

Today, I walked into my house with my friend, only to discover my husband half-naked and yelling at the TV screen over a soccer game. By half-naked, I mean he was only wearing a shirt. FML

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By "schober60" - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I frantically finished a paper that I needed to complete before midnight about the competencies of my pharmacy school. When it came time to submit, I accidentally selected the file below my paper, which was my personal log of beer reviews and personal favorites. FML

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By weirdome23 - United States

Today, my "friend" told me I was weird and irritating. Yet she has an unhealthy obsession with Harry Potter, hates people in general, and has a Facebook for her cat. Yeah, I'm the weird one. FML

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By StuckInCollegeLimbo - United States - Riverside

Today, after going through months of registration and orientation to transfer to a university, I was told that my application was denied because I didn't meet the minimum credit requirement. You couldn't tell me this before? FML

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By WhyMe

Today, I woke up approximately half a nanosecond after my dog involuntarily vomited in bed. On my face. I opened my mouth because it literally filled my nose. I swallowed out of reflex before I was fully awake. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I proudly gave my grandma a picture I had drawn for her. She didn't seem thrilled with it, and afterwards the rest of my family seemed upset. Nobody could fathom why I drew grandma a picture of a graveyard for her 85th birthday. It was suppose to be a bridge. FML

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By fabz - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, my boss confirmed he is a micro-managing asshole. We walked into the office together and I turned on the lights. He switched them off and switched them on again, just to make sure that I did it right. FML

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By "chris_lillo" - United States - Waco

Late reaction

Today I bought a new cage, along with some toys, for my bird. I came home to find my bird had escaped its old cage. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had to explain to my little sister that not all guitars are supposed to have a hole in them, that when I was talking about "breaking it in" I didn't mean I'd smash a hole in it, and that she shouldn't have taken a hammer to my expensive new guitar. FML

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By highschoolsucks - United States

Today, I chaperoned a school dance. A song I knew came on, and, wanting to be the fun teacher, I danced around a little. The students then pointed and laughed. I graduated in '87 and high school still hurts. FML

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By Anonymous - Sri Lanka - Piliyandala

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He said it was because my mom's lazy eye creeps him out, and that my dad hates him. She doesn't have a lazy eye, he's never met my dad, never seen my mom, and now according to his friends, he's been cheating on me for the past two weeks. FML

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By Ellen - United States

Today, I learned that you should always make sure the car is in 'park' before you get it on wildly in it. FML

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By TDCC - United States

Today, my dog ate a $2,000 check. My credit card bill gets taken out of my bank account tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - Northern Mariana Islands - Saipan

Today, I was telling 3 classmates on Whatsapp about my depression. One of them told me to "nut up n grow a pear." Two hours after we mocked him for being an illiterate jackass, one of us has had our car tires knifed and another's house has been egged. I'm terrified of what will happen to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my wife told our six year old daughter that the devil beats his wife whenever there's a rainbow. Now she won't stop crying. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hedgesville

Today, I was throwing rocks into a pond while our class was on a field trip. The teacher started to pass around an old rare civil war bullet. As the bullet got to me, I threw another rock in the river, only to notice a rock in my hand and the bullet gone. FML

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By Anonymous - Egypt

Today, after winning a major photography competition with the prize of an expensive workshop with a top photographer, I learned that my crazy stalker has paid the £250 workshop costs, and will travel 5 hours just to be there with me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I farted at a crowded concert, and people started commenting on said fart. I specifically went out of my way to eat certain foods all day so that it wouldn't happen. FML

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By KaD

Today, I lost my dream job after a week, after being told, "When I hired you, I wasn't honest. I wasn't looking to hire an examiner, I wanted someone to replace me so I can retire in a year. I don't have time to train you for that." FML

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By bham boy

Today, I went for a job interview. I was asked if I wanted a drink. I have no idea why, but I replied "a bottle of milk please." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, on the train, a man kept grabbing my crotch. When I told him to stop, I got yelled at for harassing an elderly man. FML

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By jolene11 - United States

Today, I found out my husband doesn't love me. At all. He told me this while playing Call of Duty with his friends with his microphone on. FML

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By mahlee - United States

Today, my college roomate and I received our first pieces of mail. We were very excited because our mailbox wasn't empty anymore. She got a package of home baked cookies in the mail from her family. I got a letter from a stranger in prison. FML

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By NotSpiderman - United States - Edinburg

Today, I discovered a brown recluse spider in my house. Before I could smash it, it escaped under the door. Now I'm freaked out and wearing boots and gloves, clutching at my kittens and waiting for it to appear. My dad laughs everytime he walks past. FML

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By blueberry_hill - United States

Today, my thirteen month old son woke me up at 6AM on my day off, by punching me in the eye. FML

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By notthesame - United States - San Antonio

Today, my overprotective dad bolted all of my windows shut so that I don't turn out like my sister and sneak out or sneak boys in. FML

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By moweezy9 - United States

Today, I finally taught my mom how to text message people. Now I get a message from her every 30 seconds saying "Hi". FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Markham

Today, I was walking down the street when someone pushed me into poison ivy. He ran off saying, "That's for beating me in the race." I've never been in a race, nor have I ever met him. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I found out what unwashed, warty feet taste like after someone kicked me in the mouth with one. FML

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Top comments

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7946791 - Thursday 22 October 2020 6:14

Time to give up the booze before your wife finds your bloated corpse face down in your pool surrounded by puke.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7946783 - Thursday 22 October 2020 5:00

Thanks for bringing our state's name into this. We're so proud now!

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7946783 - Thursday 22 October 2020 5:00

Thanks for bringing our state's name into this. We're so proud now!

By Nhayaa | 21

#7946786 - Thursday 22 October 2020 5:12

If you wait for your wife to be out of town so you can get drunk your life must be boring as hell...

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7946791 - Thursday 22 October 2020 6:14

Time to give up the booze before your wife finds your bloated corpse face down in your pool surrounded by puke.

By Solarizeman | 12

#7946844 - Thursday 22 October 2020 11:23

sounds like it would be better for you to get drunk when she is home. can't trust yourself.

By alex_jaguara | 29

#7946920 - Thursday 22 October 2020 18:44

That's exactly how a boy I knew drowned in a lake. Very irresponcible of you.