Today, I took my mum on the London Underground. We were standing... - FML

By shugberry - United Kingdom - London

Today, I took my mum on the London Underground. We were standing on the platform, when she suddenly bought up a load of phlegm in her mouth. Instead of trying to find a bin, she just full on spat out the biggest green pile on the floor next to people. FML

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Proactive

Sorry…

Trust

By Carrie - France

Today, I'm a medicine student, it's my sixth year, and I have spent the whole day in surgery. No one dared tell me that what I was wearing on my feet was actually supposed to be put over my hair. Which was embarrassing. FML

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By Joy - Denmark

Today, we had guests coming over. My dad wanted me to make some bacon, but I refused because I'm a vegetarian, and don't like to touch meat. His response? 'Good joke honey, now make the bacon.' FML

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By sockmonkey - United States - Corona

Today, my parents decided on my punishment for failing an English test. No deodorant for a week. They think they're so hilarious, they told all their friends and now it's all over Facebook. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I had to go out and that I'd be back later. He asked where I was going. "To see my other boyfriend," I chuckled, smiling. He took it seriously and wouldn't believe it was just a joke. I'm pretty sure I'm now single. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Santa Clarita

Today, my grandparents came over to visit. I'm still not sure if they came to see me or my dog. FML

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By ohnoooooo - United Kingdom

Today, I watched my boyfriend's band play a gig. I also found out he pulls the same faces playing the bass as he does when we have sex. FML

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By piliseep - United States - Apex

Good Meowrning!

Today, at 6 am, I was suddenly jerked from the warm embraces of sleep by the smell of poo. I was very groggy and confused when my hand landed in something wet and cold. I turned on the light and was horrified to find that my kitten took a huge dump in my bed. It was everywhere. FML

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By Badnewca - United States

Today, I drove home in my brand new car, hoping to surprise my girlfriend. She came out the house laughing, saying how funny it was, and how I look like a "twollop" in it. Then in all seriousness, she asked me when I was getting my "actual car" back from the garage. FML

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By j0j0 - France

Today, I tried demonstrate to my little brother that, unlike what he sees in cartoons, it is impossible to slip on a banana peel. I'm not too sure he's convinced. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2021 07:30

Rest in Piss

Today, more of my friends celebrated Rush Limbaugh's death than celebrated when I won a national award two years ago. FML

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By not that kinda squirting

Today, my husband and I were having sex for the first time since I had our son. As I was riding him in a heated passion, he grabbed my breasts. Milk literally shot out onto his face. Mood totally ruined. FML

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By mugged - United States

Today, I got mugged by someone wearing a bear suit. FML

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By longtrip - United Kingdom

Today, I drove 4 hours to see my girlfriend of a year, as she had asked me to stay with her for a few days. When I arrived she told me she wanted to be friends as she liked someone else, but wanted me to stay the few days so we could work on being friends. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2020 02:01

Gas giant

Today, I tend to get bloated in the afternoons when I suffer from stress. Lately, I've been so stressed out that I'm seriously considering buying maternity pants, because not even my stretchiest sweat pants will fit me after 4 p.m. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Suwanee

Today, I had so much skin peeling off my lips that it got caught in my fork as I was eating. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hockessin

Today, I got a mosquito bite inside my cast. FML

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By bootyislife - United States - Lynnwood

Hidden

Today, my girlfriend made me put a blanket over my head while giving me a blowjob because she didn't like the faces I was making. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, it wasn't until I heard something fly off the roof of my car and hit the trunk, then asphalt, that I remembered where I left my phone while unlocking the car door. FML

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By pardon my English :$ - France

Today, I let a friend read a draft of the novel I'm writing. She claimed the antagonist is blatantly based on her, and threatened to sue me if I don't pay her royalties. The antagonist is an ancient, insane goblin witch. I guess I see now how this confusion could arise. FML

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By no compassion - United States - Aurora

Today, working in customer support, I received a call from a woman who'd just been robbed. My supervisor asked what was taking so long; I told him that she was hysterical. He took my phone and told her to call back when she had her "shit together", then hung up. I take orders from this man. FML

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By karmaquestionmark - United States - Silverton

Today, my mom sold my Magic box at a garage sale because I "never use it." Locked inside it was my fake ID, a couple of hundred bucks, and a bag of weed. She can't remember who she sold it to. FML

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By Sanchez - United States

Today, the doctor told me that I have Vasovagal Syncope: I pass out every time I get aroused. Bye bye sex. FML

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By HotCurry - United States

Today, my girlfriend, her grandma, and I were leaving her house to eat lunch. I stubbed my toe on the door while exiting. It hurt, so I stood there shortly in pain. I heard my girlfriend's grandma call me a "pansy". I later saw blood and took off my shoe. My whole toenail had come off of my big toe. FML

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By Alex - United States

Today, I had to get out my birth certificate to prove to my dad that today is my birthday. This has happened before. FML

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By Hailey Antone - United States

Today, I brought my date home to meet my parents. We walked in the front door to find my drunken father wearing nothing but a Viking helmet, and swinging and jabbing our living room furniture with a pool noodle. FML

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By dadum - Australia

Creeped out

Today, I had a stranger scream at me that I was a whore and I was trying to steal her boyfriend. She then said my full name, stating my previous hair colour, my recent activities and that her boyfriend had been my year nine dance partner. I officially have a stalker. FML

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By kmang33 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me that I think too much during sex. Now the only thing I can think about is how much I'm thinking too much. FML

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By nope - 29/3/2020 14:00

Influencers know no bounds

Today, my wife and I got into a massive argument after she started a YouTube channel for our young daughter. I explained that I’m not comfortable with god knows who looking at our kid. Apparently, I’m just being paranoid. She’s already recorded our entire house, including my daughter's bedroom. FML

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By Vero - Austria - Timelkam

Today, in an attempt to be romantic, my boyfriend threw little stones against my window. Unfortunately, the window wasn't closed, and I was standing in front of it. FML

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By Océane Léana K

Today, after coming back from a trip to Africa where I got malaria, I went to the hospital for some blood tests. The doctor said, "Good news! You never had malaria! But they put you through a lot of dangerous treatments and now your liver has an anomaly." FML

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By "The Cat Tickler"

Today, I took a flight from Seattle to Oregon but missed my flight back home to California because the flight attendant came in late and delayed our flight take off time. Then I was told the only way to get California was to go back to Seattle and fly to California from there. FML

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By sicksicksick - United States - Lansdale

Today, I have pink eye in both eyes, the stomach virus, and a cold. I'm also sitting at work because my boss "doesn't believe in sick days." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2020 01:04 - Iraq - Basrah

Leeches

Today, I found out that if my husband and I move to another country to live, then his mom and sister will live with us too. I'm already living with them because of societal traditions. I like them and everything, but I really need some privacy. FML

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By aliixmaee - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me. She took everything, including the kidney I gave her a year ago. FML

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By conbon123 - United States - Beaverton

Today, my dog became scared of his own food bowl. He now barks for ages every time he sees it. FML

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By lonelyandbored - United States

Today, I was dirty texting my boyfriend since we couldn't see each other this weekend. We were getting really into it when he said, "If only you were this good in real life." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pardeeville

Today, my dad might be dead. I'm basing this solely on the fact that he hasn't called recently to verbally abuse me as he often does. He constantly beat me as a child, yet now I'm kind of worried for the piece of shit. FML

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By Charity Taylor

Totally worth it

Today, after 8 years of being guinea-pigged for medical testing that "might work" on my ribcage for chronic pain, I finally caved and tried going to a pain clinic. The doctors' responses mostly consisted of, "That's weird" and, "That doesn't make any sense." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I discovered that my new roommate likes to take the loose hair when she showers and make shapes with it on the shower wall. She calls it art. FML

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By Caeru - United States

Dumbass idea

Today, my mother tried to tell me that nicotine is the only substance that ensures weight loss, and that nicotine has been passed down in our family for over 5 generations of heavy smoking relatives. Then she encouraged me to start smoking. FML

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Top comments

By cheesebond | 29

#7838899 - Sunday 1 September 2019 12:20

Better out than in I always say eh Fiona?

By RichardPencil | 29

#7838923 - Sunday 1 September 2019 15:21

You can bring the redneck out of the country, but you can't bring the country out of the redneck!

COMMENTS

By cheesebond | 29

#7838899 - Sunday 1 September 2019 12:20

Better out than in I always say eh Fiona?

By Mungolikecandy | 19

#7838900 - Sunday 1 September 2019 12:33

Spitting that stuff into a bin is pretty nasty also.

Reply

BigSissy | 14

#7839034 - Monday 2 September 2019 7:39

What would you expect her to do, swallow it?

By RichardPencil | 29

#7838923 - Sunday 1 September 2019 15:21

You can bring the redneck out of the country, but you can't bring the country out of the redneck!

By Mark W. Noonan_969479943 | 4

#7839008 - Monday 2 September 2019 2:40

Sounds like Something my Dad would do. Except his was the AIR HANKY 🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢

By Razell | 13

#7839019 - Monday 2 September 2019 4:58

Did you tell her that's disgusting and hand her a napkin to clean it up with?

Reply

shugberry | 6

#7839305 - Tuesday 3 September 2019 10:03

Didn’t have a napkin! But I did tell her 😅