By Anonymous - 29/4/2020 23:00

Go back to bed, Brad

Today, I noticed that when my boyfriend is sick, his sex drive goes through the roof. Too bad his stamina plummets. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1527

You deserved it

168

Tweet

Share

Out of it

Season finale

Non-baby fever

By Anonymous - 28/12/2011 06:21 - United States

Today, I found out that my mother in-law's flight home is canceled, and that she's staying three more days. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37459

You deserved it

3986

Tweet

Share

By thefriedman - 12/2/2013 04:59 - United States - Perris

Today, I realized that the air freshener in my bathroom and the air freshener in my girlfriend's bedroom are the exact same scent. Now, every time I go to the bathroom I get an erection, and every time my girlfriend and I have sex in her room, I think about shitting. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44392

You deserved it

8635

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 7/12/2010 03:42 - United States

Today, I brought a cupcake to school for my friend's birthday. After taking one bite, she exclaimed that it was the worst thing she had ever tasted and that we should sue the store that I bought it from. I baked it myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28427

You deserved it

5387

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 20/4/2014 04:03 - United States - Meridian

Today, my guide dog sneezed so hard that it slammed its head on the floor and knocked itself out. I have to trust this dog with my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57153

You deserved it

4959

Tweet

Share

By "nzfireman" - 4/9/2017 13:00

Today, while going into the fire station for a call out, I opened my locker door on our only available driver and knocked him out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2849

You deserved it

367

Tweet

Share

By justanaccount - 27/2/2009 19:35 - Spain

Today, to ask a boy I really liked to my school's turnabout dance, I gave him a box full of 10 cupcakes that spelled out T-U-R-N-A-B-O-U-T-?. The boy gave the box back a little later. There were two cupcakes left inside. It said N-O. FML

I agree, your life sucks

108366

You deserved it

11995

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 24/1/2016 15:27 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, my dad wanted to show me a cool camera he saw on Amazon yesterday, so I let him use my laptop to find it. I realized too late that I'd forgotten to clear my browsing history. The suggested purchases section was filled with dildos and lube. He definitely noticed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20660

You deserved it

8820

Tweet

Share

By rbates - 25/7/2009 18:32 - United States

Today, I decided to make a place in my house for my friends to sign called “The Friend Wall." By sign I meant sign, not draw body parts. This afternoon I ate lunch next to a basketball-sized vagina and a monumentally large blue and purple penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13736

You deserved it

60271

Tweet

Share

By dr immature - 23/12/2013 23:11 - United States - Washington

Today, I diagnosed a patient with a spastic colon. For some reason, the term "spastic colon" has always amused me, and I burst into uncontrollable laughter as I said it. By the time I managed to stop laughing, my eyes were watering and my patient was visibly angry. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23362

You deserved it

48502

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 14/5/2009 17:43 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. I have gotten three calls all day. The first one was my fiancé, saying he wanted his ring back. The second one was my best friend, confessing to me that she had been sleeping with my fiancé for the past three months. The third was the dentist's office singing me a happy birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

411404

You deserved it

21675

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 12/8/2012 17:25 - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Today, I found out that ever since I got my blonde highlights, I've been mocked behind my back at work, and nicknamed "The Skunk". FML

I agree, your life sucks

18795

You deserved it

13376

Tweet

Share

By MomOfBoys - 22/12/2016 21:20

Today, it's early-release before Christmas break for the kiddos, and my awesome-sauce boss let them hang out in our law office for the afternoon. So far, one has puked in the conference room, and the other has clogged the toilet. Only 2 hours to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7706

You deserved it

799

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 27/1/2013 18:50 - United States - Temperance

Today, I had to slowly explain to my son that an "analogy" is a literary device, not a genre of porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31722

You deserved it

3445

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 27/3/2013 18:26 - Canada - Red Deer

Today, I gave my girlfriend an orgasm for the first time. She's a screamer. Her dog must have thought I was attacking her, because he immediately came over and started savaging me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54708

You deserved it

6168

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 18/12/2009 23:10 - United States

Today, I was at the airport about to leave for my business trip. In the restroom, I put my purse on the edge of the sink and got my lipstick out. I leaned closer to apply my lipstick and my open purse fell into the sink, triggering the automatic faucet, filling my purse with water. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26679

You deserved it

9953

Tweet

Share

By Sick - 24/2/2009 20:34 - Canada

Today, I stayed home, sick in bed. I had been sleeping on my arms. I got up quickly to grab the phone. My numb left arm rocketed and punched me in the (now cut) lip, which threw me off balance, making me smash my (now bloody) nose off of the headboard. It was a telemarketer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54548

You deserved it

6134

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - 18/2/2012 22:07 - United States

Today, I realized that with all the money I've spent on repairs for my iPhone through the months, I could have bought a phone that doesn't die horribly whenever I so much as give it a mean look. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10639

You deserved it

26011

Tweet

Share

By xX_nsn_Xx - 3/2/2012 14:47 - United States

Communication breakdown

Today, the pervert in my computer class asked me if I "mowed my lawn." Not knowing this was a vaguely sexual term, I replied, "No, my dad does." FML

I agree, your life sucks

48422

You deserved it

9977

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 21/12/2009 04:27 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I celebrated our five-year anniversary. I got him a new flat-screen TV. He got me toilet seat cover. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34015

You deserved it

4653

Tweet

Share

By sad - 5/11/2012 07:02 - United States - Lynnwood

Today, I was eating a fancy dinner with my girlfriend at a restaurant. Suddenly, my ex-girlfriend, who was seemingly still angry after our breakup 2 years ago, saw me through the window. She walked in, took my spaghetti dinner, shoved it in my face, and stormed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30684

You deserved it

3450

Tweet

Share

By dumped - 14/12/2011 23:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend of two years broke up with me. Why? His best mate got dumped yesterday and my boyfriend thought it would be 'more fun' to be 'single lads together'. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34259

You deserved it

3176

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 6/11/2014 12:15 - United States - Gainesville

Today, my eight-year-old microwaved our thermometer to see if the temperature would change. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35627

You deserved it

4215

Tweet

Share

By lilben - 10/6/2011 08:09 - United States

Today, I was given a new nickname at work due to my boss always confusing me with one of my co-workers who is taller than me. Someone suggested he just call us the same name to make it simpler, and the tall one would be big and the short one little. Everyone at my job now calls me Little Dick. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44407

You deserved it

4762

Tweet

Share

By abdominates - 23/10/2009 16:48 - Canada

Today, after a long workout I come back to my locker, to find my lock had been cut. I looked inside realizing my phone and ipod had been stolen. If that wasn't bad enough, my keys were gone. I ran out to the parking lot to find an empty spot where my car had once been parked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52500

You deserved it

3083

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 16/5/2014 19:02 - Canada - Gander

Today, I helped an elderly woman push her grocery cart around the store, and look for her vehicle after she'd paid. After we spent ages wandering around trying to find her car, she remembered that she'd taken the bus today. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44191

You deserved it

4299

Tweet

Share

By collegegrad - 15/10/2013 15:51 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I read an article about the top 10 worst jobs this year. This list includes my degree and three of my main skills and interests. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47624

You deserved it

5560

Tweet

Share

By Congrats? - 27/10/2015 15:16 - United States - Charleston

Today, I discovered that my father is getting married. Overjoyed and confused because I didn't know he was dating, I called him up to congratulate him, and ask who she was. Apparently, his soon to be fiancée is my mother-in-law. My wife is not happy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28621

You deserved it

1797

Tweet

Share

By sierraisfucked - 2/6/2009 07:55 - United States

Today, I was in Walmart with my mom. I was looking for some CDs I wanted and saw a cute guy. Then he nodded at me and as he started to walk towards me, I hear my name being called over the intercom. Apparently, according to my mom, it was time to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49358

You deserved it

4170

Tweet

Share

By silver - 22/7/2018 02:01

Today, while discussing my family on a date, I mentioned that my parents are divorced. She immediately got up and left without a word. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3820

You deserved it

247

Tweet

Share

By Sam - 20/8/2010 05:34 - United States

Today, after twisting my knee playing soccer with my friends, I had to take myself to the hospital. Apparently finishing the game was more important to them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29910

You deserved it

4631

Tweet

Share

By abonde29 - 24/5/2018 20:30

Today, I got a text from my cousin saying he's gay. I was thrilled and told him I'm bisexual. He later texted me saying that his friend took his phone and said that. He also told all of our relatives. I accidentally came out to my family. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4168

You deserved it

528

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 26/4/2020 14:00

So selfish

Today, my family yelled at me for being a "selfish disappointment." My crime? Not being able to help my sister's boyfriend do his homework while I'm working on my class finals. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1673

You deserved it

100

Tweet

Share

By BIGCHEIFAAA - 24/4/2013 04:55 - United States - Union City

Today, my seven-year-old nephew challenged me to a push up contest in front of my girlfriend. He beat me, and then asked my girlfriend why she's dating a pussy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56532

You deserved it

22826

Tweet

Share

By wtfiswronghere - 8/12/2015 18:36 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, my grandmother insisted that Mexicans sacrifice humans every year as part of their Catholic religion. The Swaggart guy on TV said so, and apparently, he can't be wrong, ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19603

You deserved it

1366

Tweet

Share

By Josh - 27/9/2011 05:14 - United States

Today, I found out the reason why my therapist was so nice to me all of the time. Apparently, she is afraid that I'm going to stab her if she pisses me off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29311

You deserved it

5794

Tweet

Share

By NeedANewWindshield - 24/8/2019 14:00

Today, some unprovoked drunk asshole tried punching a hole through the windshield of my car. While I was driving it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1504

You deserved it

82

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 22/8/2009 01:02 - United States

Today, it was my 17th birthday. My mom forgot and my best friend is out of town. The highlight of my day? The guy at McDonalds slipped an extra apple pie in my bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41736

You deserved it

3153

Tweet

Share

By smiles - 3/12/2014 01:14 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had a performance. I have to go bra-less to wear my gown and I didn't want any peek-a-boos. I asked my boyfriend to bring "large band-aids" without telling him why I needed them. He brought waterproof, top-notch tough ones. They're still stuck to me, and are not coming off anytime soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33053

You deserved it

7108

Tweet

Share

By BriarFace - 29/3/2016 01:56 - United States - Springfield

Today, I put up a sign asking motorcyclists to slow down near horses, as the noise can spook them. While I was riding near the sign, a biker slowed to read it, looked at me, then revved his engine loudly and raced off. My horse bucked me off into some brambles and bolted. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20845

You deserved it

2142

Tweet

Share

By Daddy Tyrone - 17/9/2018 03:30

Today, my wife bought a bright pink dildo and left in the lounge whilst she went upstairs to get changed. We didn't expect the in-laws to arrive with my niece and nephews, who were hitting each other with the - as described by my 5-year-old nephew - "big pink sword". FML

I agree, your life sucks

3045

You deserved it

710

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7902023 - Thursday 30 April 2020 1:02

Why would you have sex with him when he is sick?

When he's sick, you ought to get him a premium subscription to PornHub and a nice bottle of hand lotion.

By sickerthanyou | 13

#7901997 - Wednesday 29 April 2020 23:30

So?, just tell him to finish you off with a dildo or his mouth (if he is into snowballs)

COMMENTS

By sickerthanyou | 13

#7901997 - Wednesday 29 April 2020 23:30

So?, just tell him to finish you off with a dildo or his mouth (if he is into snowballs)

By Jillian Cosby-Kelly | 13

#7902020 - Thursday 30 April 2020 0:42

I agree it sucks but hey! now you have the advantage and can do whatever you want.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7902023 - Thursday 30 April 2020 1:02

Why would you have sex with him when he is sick?

When he's sick, you ought to get him a premium subscription to PornHub and a nice bottle of hand lotion.

By Brightside86 | 19

#7902060 - Thursday 30 April 2020 8:02

Just have him wear a condom it will dull the sensation enough to have near endless stamina.