By jake - 10/1/2021 18:02 - United States - Denver

Jealousy

Today, my girlfriend demanded that I delete all my female contacts or she’d set my stuff on fire. Yes, that includes my mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks

916

You deserved it

202

Favorite

Love

Understandable

Family values

Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

By Anonymous - United States - Metamora

Today, a cop turned his lights and siren on to pull me over. I pulled into a parking lot and got a ticket. It wasn't until the cop pulled away that I realized that I'd pulled into, and interrupted, an on-going funeral visitation. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24618

You deserved it

5186

Favorite

By zcollins - United States - Pleasanton

Today, my mother informed me that we are no longer taking my graduation trip to New York. Instead, she and her group of continuously drunk friends are going to Vegas because, "We could win the jackpot and take you on an even bigger trip to New York!" She's never won anything in her whole life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54214

You deserved it

3564

Favorite

By Sarah - United Kingdom

Today, my mother was cleaning out my underwear drawer and found my vibrator. Everytime I see her in the hall, she just cracks up and makes jokes about how I can't get a guy, so I have to rely on electronics. What's worse, she told my dad AND posted a status on facebook about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

71482

You deserved it

10373

Favorite

By getmoneyab - Mexico

Today, I went to Cheese Cake Factory for dinner. There was this hot waiter who kept passing by. He saw me looking at him and I knew I had to say something. So when he approached my table I asked, "Excuse me, do you have any salt?" and he said, "I think it's right there on the table." FML

I agree, your life sucks

9780

You deserved it

67701

Favorite

By orangethonglover - United States

Today, I found out the real cause of my dog's illness that she had just recovered from. When my sister took her in to see the vet, the vet said my dog was constipated, and swallowed something orange. That orange thing happened to be my favorite thong. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39984

You deserved it

6257

Favorite

By 6xrv

Today, while at the mall, I was traveling up the escalator on my way to the food court. When I neared the top, the handrail severely shocked me, causing me to drop a bag of China I had just bought, which fell to the bottom of the escalator and shattered. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5382

You deserved it

506

Favorite

By buymeflavoredlube

Spit or Swallow?

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a long blowjob and had to pause for a minute because my mouth became exceedingly dry. His solution? Spit directly in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4523

You deserved it

906

Favorite

By emkatch - Canada

Today, I came home about two hours early from a friend's party. After I walked in and upstairs, I quickly and quietly left and went back to the party. I guess my parents decided to have a little party as well. It's called a threesome with my neighbor. They still don't know that I know. FML

I agree, your life sucks

67621

You deserved it

4341

Favorite

By booger - United States - Plano

Today, while lying in bed, my boyfriend began to stroke my nose. "You can pick your girlfriend, but you can't pick your girlfriend's nose," I said playfully. In response, he shouted "Yes, I can!" before painfully jamming his pinky up my left nostril. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43650

You deserved it

14962

Favorite

By suspicious - United States

Today, I received a lovely letter from the council telling me I have to cease the act of "breeding and selling cats" because someone from my Facebook reported me. I'm pretty sure I've never owned a cat or had one in my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45065

You deserved it

2936

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada - Sault Sainte Marie

Today, some guys were doing construction on my house, when one of them came over and started asking me about my "hot sister". That "sister" is my 13-year-old daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55963

You deserved it

4411

Favorite

By unlucky dudebag - United States

Today, my brother and father thought it would be a good idea to wake me up by turning on a chainsaw and wearing hockey masks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38513

You deserved it

4636

Favorite

By alexarbusto - 6/5/2020 02:00

Last splash

Today, my phone fell in my cat's water bowl overnight. I'm currently writing this from my laptop. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1088

You deserved it

346

Favorite

By Anonymous

"shortcomings"

Today, my girlfriend and I lost our virginity to each other, or so I thought. I heard her on the phone with her sister saying that I’m definitely the smallest dick she’s ever had, but the size of my bank account encourages her to overlook my shortcomings. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7755

You deserved it

604

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I'd stayed up all night to finish a detailed report. By the time I'd printed it I was late for work so I jumped in my car. Driving down the street, I saw my papers fly off the roof of my car. It was raining out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22144

You deserved it

8128

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I forgot to take my wallet off the roof of my car and drove away, onto the highway. A man behind me began flashing his lights and waving his arms. I thought he was freaking out because I cut him off. I flipped him off. He was trying to tell me that all my money was flying down the road. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9664

You deserved it

84533

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Kingston

Today, I was out when a guy walking with his girlfriend eyed me up. I made a shocked face at him and kept walking. The next thing I knew, his girlfriend was beating the shit out of me claiming that I was "the other woman." I'd never seen the guy before in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45309

You deserved it

4747

Favorite

By Alexandra - Lebanon

Today, I surprised my boyfriend by buying him an expensive watch for his birthday. He responded with "Aww, you could've just given me head, babe." FML

I agree, your life sucks

37460

You deserved it

8927

Favorite

By Kole

Today, I got the most painful neck cramp of my life after whipping my head back in laughter at something that wasn't even funny. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5496

You deserved it

1823

Favorite

By sleekRelease

Today, I was expecting an important delivery for a party I'm having tonight. I was in the shower when the doorbell rang. In my haste, I slipped and ended up with a bunch of little cuts and bruises. Turns out, it was someone trying to leave a note saying it would be delivered tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1649

You deserved it

159

Favorite

By Anonymous - 25/4/2020 08:00

It never rains…

Today, I was at work when I got a call to say my grandad died. When I was walking out to my car, I realised someone had stolen all my hubcaps. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1660

You deserved it

Favorite

By zAstonish - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night and felt deep breathing on my neck. I screamed, fell off the bed and busted my nose. It was just my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22829

You deserved it

3959

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, eating my weight in breadsticks at Olive Garden and trying to relive my childhood via a pogo stick was not a good combination. My new shoes are now a different color. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8554

You deserved it

38311

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada - Montreal

Today, at work, my buddy pulled up in his car. I handed him $40, and he handed me a bag. It must have looked like a drug deal, but he was actually just smuggling in the new Pokémon game for me. I'm 22, and a drug deal would probably have been less embarrassing to explain. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22700

You deserved it

7883

Favorite

By jacks_smirking_revenge - United States

Today, while out to lunch, my sister called me and asked me to pick her up from the mall. I told her she'd have to wait. She got pissed off and started cursing at me, so I hung up on her. She called me back 37 times until I answered and yelled "WILL YOU LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE?" It was my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23599

You deserved it

52245

Favorite

By FMLMom - United States - Chula Vista

Today, I learned that my son goes on online chat rooms and has sexual fantasy role-play. To make matters worse, the characters he uses are from My Little Pony. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35711

You deserved it

4589

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Quitman

Today, my phone ran out of space, so I downloaded an app to store all my photos online. After everything transferred, I deleted the 1,000+ photos from my phone, along with the "recently deleted" file since it was also taking up space. The app is now empty of all "downloaded photos". FML

I agree, your life sucks

4825

You deserved it

2768

Favorite

By helpme - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I wrote my boyfriend a love letter during class and told him to read it when he got home. He texted me later asking me why I gave him my school assignment. I must have handed the love letter in to my teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27260

You deserved it

7711

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, in science class, we had to make play-dough with our lab partners. We were allowed to put one thing in it to make it more bouncy or rubbery. My partner said that he wanted to put a chicken wing in ours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28188

You deserved it

3403

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Mission

Today, my boyfriend gave me the painting he had been working on. It was a heart with wings, my name, and the date we started dating. We have been dating for almost a year and a half. He misspelled my name. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45315

You deserved it

4932

Favorite

By JulietMarie - United States - Baldwinsville

Today, I got my first compliment in over a year. It was from my gynecologist, saying I have a beautiful cervix. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36975

You deserved it

3504

Favorite

By dcsunshine - United States

Today, I was excited to hear that I received three of my grad school recommendations in the mail from a very busy professor. They need to be submitted sealed, and of course, my nosy mom decided to open them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38554

You deserved it

2710

Favorite

By Marcowalker95 - United States - Panorama City

Chill out, man!

Today, I was at a gas station when the cash register made a sound effect similar to one from Sonic the Hedgehog, and I pointed this out. The cashier then saw fit to go on a rant about how I need to stop focusing on video games, and get a life and a girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24583

You deserved it

7060

Favorite

By wearyconsumer

Today, I threw out all the food in the freezer that my mom had been keeping since 2013. When she found out, she said, "frozen food doesn't go bad." FML

I agree, your life sucks

8406

You deserved it

1100

Favorite

By bad luck? - Australia

Today, it was my first day being a full-time paramedic. I was shot in the arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43000

You deserved it

2667

Favorite

By mighthavepaidfortwodates

Today, after an amazing date with a girl I like at a restaurant, I realized I foolishly forgot my wallet. When I returned, I spotted my date at another table on a date with a different guy. I also wasn’t able to find my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2039

You deserved it

319

Favorite

By Sybille - France

Today, my boyfriend was lying down on top of me and he was looking at me with passionate eyes. I thought he was finally going to tell me he loved me. But instead he said "You have a bogey". FML

I agree, your life sucks

28436

You deserved it

4028

Favorite

By Shauna - United States - Jacksonville

Today, it was my birthday. I finally got the PS3 I've been asking for, for a long time. When I opened the box, I didn't find a PS3, but a bunch of clothes that my mom put in my brother's PS3 box. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28919

You deserved it

4170

Favorite

By Satver7

An Inconvenient Thief

Today, after meeting a girl for the first time and having sex with her, I found not only my wallet missing but also the 128 GB pen drive that had my project I've been working on for 6 months on it. I have to give the presentation in 3 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6112

You deserved it

4520

Favorite

By embarrassed - United States

Today, I was driving and saw two hot girls on the sidewalk so I rolled down the window to whistle at them. However, I failed to notice that the car in front of me had stopped at a red light. I rear ended the car, the girls ran away laughing their asses off, and now I have to pay for the damage. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9756

You deserved it

117273

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7963499 - Monday 11 January 2021 5:07

You deleted your relationship instead, right?

By Charlie Given | 23

#7963495 - Monday 11 January 2021 3:51

pack your shit time to go run far far away

COMMENTS

By Ambrily | 27

#7963648 - Monday 11 January 2021 17:18

Leave her immediately.

By idragosani | 8

#7963669 - Monday 11 January 2021 19:06

I'd start with her. That kind of demand is nothing but red flags going up

By spinspinsugar | 9

#7963680 - Monday 11 January 2021 20:03

i really hope you skipped town after you posted this

By Shaunna Burtle | 2

#7963681 - Monday 11 January 2021 20:04

you mean ex girlfriend right?

By Elizabeth Voegel | 3

#7963695 - Monday 11 January 2021 20:40

sounds like you need to delete her contact instead

By Wadlaen | 19

#7963741 - Monday 11 January 2021 23:51

Sounds like you've got yourself a problem more than a girlfriend there, mister...

By juggalo2 | 15

#7963781 - Tuesday 12 January 2021 6:13

I'm sure things will get better after the wedding.

By Nhayaa | 21

#7963789 - Tuesday 12 January 2021 6:43

Or you could delete only one: hers.

By The Highwayman | 0

#7964589 - Friday 15 January 2021 14:02

DUMP HER