Today, I told my toddler to put the cat down, so he did. On my...

By Anonymous

Today, I told my toddler to put the cat down, so he did. On my leg. I guess I should have been more specific. FML

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Social distancing done right

Freshman blues

Official meeting

By Anonymous

Today, after being a few minutes late to work a few times this week, I left the house super early this morning. When I got to work, security hadn’t unlocked the doors yet, so I waited in my car, where I ended up falling asleep and sleeping through most of my entire morning shift. FML

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By GOLLUM!

Today, after being without my car keys for two days, I finally got a locksmith to unlock my car on the off chance I'd left my keys in there. $170 later, the car was open, but I didn't find my keys. Frustrated, I threw the paperwork in the garbage... where I spotted my keys. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my wife read a Facebook article about how oral sex can lead to mouth and/or throat infections, and is now avoiding all forms of sex, in case my penis happens to give her the bubonic plague. FML

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By pamcakes

Today, my dog pooped on the floor, and the Roomba my sweet boyfriend bought me as a housewarming gift, ran over it. FML

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By 303 - United States - Houston

Today, I picked up my car from the repair shop, drove two miles, and ran out of gas. I then walked to get gas, put a gallon of gas in the car, and tried to start it. The battery was too weak to start the car, and died on the spot. FML

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By tkr - United Kingdom

Today, I jokingly told my boyfriend that he should sing that song that goes 'I'm too sexy for my shirt' when we have sex. Now, every time that we have sex, that song is going to be stuck in my head. FML

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By Rejection - France

Today, I sent my boyfriend a naughty pic. I then asked him if there was anything else he wanted before I got dressed. His reply? "No it's fine." FML

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By Sexless from Texas - United States - San Antonio

Today, I learned that, when you ask your girlfriend "Do you think we're having sex too often?" she might interpret it as, "I don't think we should have sex ever again," and entirely stop talking to you. FML

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By Annonymous - United States

Today, an exterminator sprayed for cockroaches in my dorm room. After classes I got back to find three large cockroaches on top of my bed. Now that the exterminator has sprayed everything, all the cockroaches are coming out. FML

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By yeah hun i think insects arent animals too - Germany - Leipzig

Today, I yet again had to pretend to be a dumb bimbo so that my boyfriend wouldn't get upset over the fact that, in some cases, I might be smarter than him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I have food poisoning. My boss told me that if I didn't come into work, I'd be fired. Not 30 minutes after sitting down, I sneezed and shat my pants. My boss still won't let me leave. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad called me a "deadbeat loser" after I came back from my first day of voluntary rehab for my meth problem. He's never had a job in his life and sits on the sofa all day, smoking weed and playing video games, all on my mom's salary. FML

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By no no no no no no no no no no no fuck no - Greece - Athens

Today, I witnessed my husband hocking a loogie into his hand, then throwing it into the trash can and continuing to make our sandwiches. FML

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By great idea - Canada - Calgary

Today, my social teacher thought it would be a great idea to have a casual debate about Margaret Thatcher and her legacy. Within 10 minutes, the entire class was yelling, screaming, throwing stuff at each other. I got hit in the face with a binder. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2020 14:01

Bye bye love

Today, according to my emotionally distant boyfriend, stopping by a whorehouse on his way home several nights a week for a quick blowjob isn’t cheating, because it involves cash and no intimacy afterwards. Dumped his ass real quick. FML

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By Fox_Undercover - United States - Wareham

Today, my dentist pulled the wrong tooth. FML

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By thegoldenboy3 - Spain

Today, I'm in Spain, and told the kids with whom I will be working that I was excited to be working with them. Only the form of excitement I used apparently refers to sexual excitement. Basically, I told the kids I was sexually aroused to be working with them. FML

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By sleeper - France

Today, I was on the train when I fell asleep. Everything would have been fine but I was suddenly jerked awake by the very loud sound of my own fart, followed by the stares of many strangers. FML

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By - United States - Augusta

Today, My girlfriend dumped me because of a game... No that because I was playing the game... Cause she got addicted to a game and decided that the game was more important than our relationship. FML

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By lovewedge - United States

Today, I was so drunk that my friends put me to bed during a party. Later I find out that while I was passed out two of my friends came in and had sex while I was in the same bed. They tried to use me as a prop. Now my friends call me the love wedge. FML

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By chunderful202 - United Kingdom - Romford

Today, I woke up with a hangover from hell. My clothes were stained with vomit, I was propped up on the sofa with a bowl between my knees, and my hair tied to one side. My mum was taking photos to send to Grandma. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bradenton

Today, my father told me that my mental health issues, which have been confirmed by multiple doctors and tests, are all caused by the fact that I'm slightly overweight and don't exercise a lot. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, it's my 30th birthday. My husband came home with a big case of beer for himself, then told me he didn't have time to get me a present because of work. FML

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By Not So Smart - Canada

Today, I went to the mall. While shopping in a store, a woman bumped into me numerous times. Getting annoyed, I turned to her and loudly exclaimed, "Are you blind?!" Turns out she was. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up to my roommate's friend rustling in the attic without permission to be there. When I asked how he got in with all doors and windows locked, he simply said, "It's a secret." FML

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By panda

Today, the dog went nuts at 3am. I searched the yard with a spotlight and machete. Nothing. He may actually just be an asshole. FML

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By Mixta - France - Roubaix

Today, my best friend showed me his New Year's Eve photos. Girls everywhere, booze flowing all over the place and all my friends were there. They still haven't realised that they didn't invite me. We've been friends for seven years. FML

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By tryingtoberomantic - Australia

Too much of a good thing

Today, I took my boyfriend out to dinner to an expensive restaurant. He overate, and now I have to nurse him through food poisoning. FML

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By tikizombie - Canada

Today, I was moving out of my old place. While walking around to make sure I would get my damage deposit back, I stepped on my roommate's lipstick and smeared it all over the white carpet. Then, I tripped on the phone cord and ripped the whole thing out of the wall. FML

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Today, I found out I'm going to have to come into the office on yet another weekend to plow snow. This wouldn't be so bad, if I actually got paid to work weekends. FML

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By HappyMan - United States - Corpus Christi

Today, my mom thought I was flying high on weed and nearly grounded me for it. I wasn't high, I was just actually in a good mood for the first time in a few weeks. FML

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By qwaynick

Today, my wife got her second kidney stone in a month. I gave her some pills to help with the pain. An hour later she started hallucinating, pulled down her pants and tried to pee on our couch. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Salem

Today, I realized how much it sucks to have the same name as my dad when I overheard my mom moan his name in bed. FML

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By kaynotentirelywrong - Canada - Repentigny

Today, while discussing career prospects with my mom, she suggested that I become a penis puppeteer, because "Let's face it, you play with it 24/7. Why not make a career out of it?" Yeah, thanks. FML

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By movingout - Australia - Ringwood

Today, I heard an owl near my house. I got excited, as they are not common in the area, and I listened intently to try and locate the source of the sound. After a few minutes, I realized I was not listening to an owl, but to my mother's sex noises. FML

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By GeriGeriBoBeri - United States

Today, I locked my keys in my car at a gas station. A man stopped to help me with a wire hanger. After about 20 min in the freezing weather, he was getting close to unlocking it when I looked over at the passenger door to see that it was unlocked. All the doors were unlocked but the driver's side. FML

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By 99520 - United States

Today, I gave my dad a brochure for anger management. His response? Throwing a chair out the window. FML

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By Grrrreat - United Kingdom - Hatfield

Today, after a heavy make-out session, my boyfriend and I discovered his lips bruise really easily. This wouldn't be a problem except he's been telling people I hit him. He thinks it's hilarious. FML

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By uglyswimmer - United States

Denied

Today, I was talking to a swimmer I just met. I saw a cute guy and whispered to her, "That guy is hot." She asked "Who?" I pointed at him. She turned to see him, then turned back to me and said "Ew, that's my brother." She went to him, whispered something. He turned around to see me and said, "EW." FML

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By haunted - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking to the kitchen in the dark. Something caught my eye and I turned to see a man standing in the corner, clear as day. I jumped and closed my eyes for a split second. When I opened them, he was nowhere to be seen. I'm now terrified to live in my own home. FML

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Top comments

By Charlie Given | 23

#7804941 - Wednesday 22 May 2019 6:14

Ya ya live n learn and have afew dozen cat scratch scars for being 🐈 owners 😻

By Amanda Jaworski | 23

#7805022 - Wednesday 22 May 2019 12:00

Ugh cat scratches are the worst! This gives me the heebie jeebies just looking at it! Ouch!

COMMENTS

By Charlie Given | 23

#7804941 - Wednesday 22 May 2019 6:14

Ya ya live n learn and have afew dozen cat scratch scars for being 🐈 owners 😻

By bubbat101 | 36

#7804971 - Wednesday 22 May 2019 7:55

I'm sorry to say this, but your toddler is a dick. Hope he learns his lesson.

By Amanda Jaworski | 23

#7805022 - Wednesday 22 May 2019 12:00

Ugh cat scratches are the worst! This gives me the heebie jeebies just looking at it! Ouch!

By SimplyAStudent | 11

#7805354 - Thursday 23 May 2019 13:01

I'm glad the cat didn't scratch your toddler