Health: Today, I returned from a job abroad and saw my twin brother for...

By Ashamed_Sister - Austria - Graz

Today, I returned from a job abroad and saw my twin brother for the first time in six months. He greeted me with words of true brotherly love: "You've fattened up a bit." FML

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Health

Season finale

Going swimmingly

So compassionate

By inthedark - Canada

Today, I found out why my five-year-old has been throwing tantrums while shopping. It turns out my ex-husband has been paying her three dollars for every public tantrum she throws. FML

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By housepoor - United States

Today, I met with my realtor to close on a house for my boyfriend and me. While waiting for my boyfriend, I got a text message from him saying he was breaking up with me. I had already signed the papers on our house. Now I'm responsible for a mortgage that I can only afford with his help. FML

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By just great...

Today, I found a picture my husband had saved on the computer. It was of me, and he had named it "Fatter". FML

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By WOW - Kenya

Today, my driving instructor failed me on my test, because I forgot to turn the air conditioning off after parking. FML

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By future teacher - Paraguay - Fernando De La Mora

Today, I was observing a children's class as a part of a training program. The teacher asked me to take one kid to the nurse's office because she wasn't feeling well. As soon as we step outside, I slip and fall down, taking the little girl with me. FML

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By sanoria51 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to explain to my friend that the hot girl he's been sending nudes to and cybering with for the past month is probably a bored, fat-as-fuck, balding male living in his mum's basement. The look on his face after I proved that "her" pictures were fake broke my heart. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pittsburg

Today, I had to spend a long bus ride with my chest pressed against the window, because some mammoth of a woman decided to squeeze her double wide ass into my seat. FML

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By eric - United States

Great chat!

Today, my mom caught me talking to my penis. FML

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By Leenotgay - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me that she's totally convinced I'm gay. When I tried explaining that I can't be if I'm attracted to her, she took it as me thinking she's mannish. FML

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By HormonesSuck - 25/3/2021 23:30 - United Kingdom - Plymouth

Hormones

Today, I'm 23 weeks pregnant and super horny. I also cried during sex with my husband because I can't orgasm. FML

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By Anonymous - Portugal - Lisbon

Today, I was talking to a colleague about love. He told me he's given up on love because things ended badly with a previous girl. I said, "Maybe it wasn't meant to be, and she wasn't the one." He then said the reason it didn't work out was because she killed herself. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I finished my first shift at my new summer job. I've only been working there for 6 hours and they already call me, "The blonde one". I made straight A's in my last semester of college. FML

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By krt - United States

Today, my dad found the ugliest picture my mom has ever taken. I show it to her laughing. She said it looks like me. I looked again and it kind of does. FML

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By foreverbrown - United States

Today, I was having dinner with my college friends to celebrate the end of our first year. I said really great things about them as individuals. The only thing they had to say to me was, "Thanks for being the token black friend." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Calgary

Today, at a restaurant, I happily watched as my boyfriend of three years got down on his knees and proposed to me. Before I could say yes and hug him, a girl flung herself at him, kissed him and shouted, "Yes!" With us still highly confused, she then ran away. FML

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By RoommateWanted - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, my roommate unexpectedly came home with a new puppy. I'm severely allergic to dogs. When I reminded her of this, she explained that the puppy was her family now and if I didn't like it I should move out because blood is thicker than water. My roommate is my sister. FML

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By Deadcat101 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, my unemployed mother decided to yet again stay home and drink heavily. So far she's kicked me out of the house, tipped over our sofa and thrown her vibrator out the window. FML

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By Anonymous

You just don't understand art

Today, I walked in on my roommate with his pants down at his ankles, taking a picture of his poop. This would've been less disgusting if we'd been in the bathroom, not the kitchen. FML

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By jake - 10/1/2021 18:02 - United States - Denver

Jealousy

Today, my girlfriend demanded that I delete all my female contacts or she’d set my stuff on fire. Yes, that includes my mother. FML

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By nowork - United States - Liverpool

Today, I asked my boss for a raise, explaining that another shop offered me a job at a higher rate, but I would stay if he would offer me the same. Instead, he fired me then called the other shop and said I was fired for failing a drug test. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, after changing his mind 3 times, my long distance fiancé told me he wasn't coming to see me for Thanksgiving. Out of anger, I threw his clothes, car magazines, and whatever else I could find in a huge, messy pile. During this, he walked into the room. He was going to surprise me. FML

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By polimeros - Mexico - Quer?taro

Today, I had to excuse myself from the classroom so I could have a quick wank. This was because I somehow got extremely horny during a lesson on frog reproduction. FML

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By sohungry - India

Today, my mum read a forwarded email, and is now convinced that eating processed food will make my ovaries shrink and disappear. Now she goes batshit crazy if she sees me eating potato chips. FML

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By dontworrybehappy - United States

Today, I was in the car going to a concert with my family. I was listening to my iPod, when the wheel broke and I couldn't change the song. So for the rest of the trip, I was stuck either listening to my parents arguing, or Don't Worry, Be Happy by Bobby McFerrin on repeat. FML

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By Dmessmer1 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I gave my dad $40 and asked him if he can get me lunch on his way back home. Long story short he came back empty handed telling me it was my fault for trusting him with McNuggets. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2021 21:30

Indeed

Today, my mother suffered a stroke and had to be hospitalized. In order to drive him to the hospital, I actually had to find my father, who never answers any phone calls or messages and is rarely home. I found out on the spot that he was cheating on my mother. What an asshole. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally told my mom I am a lesbian. She started laughing and said 'Good one honey'. I told her I wasn't joking, and she took my face in her hands and said 'You ARE joking!' Then she left. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was pulled over by the cops for a random breathalyzer test. They asked to see my license. I always keep my wallet in my car for situations like this. I received a $100 ticket because my mum apparently didn’t think it was a good idea to keep my wallet in the car. FML

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By andjusticeforall - United States

Today, I ran over a beer bottle which popped my car tire, which then caused me to swerve into a police cruiser. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend wanted to take me to a movie after days of not seeing me. This long awaited date involved me paying for food and my movie ticket when he ran out of cash again. He then dumped me as we left the theater walking to his car. Well, I financed my own breakup date. FML

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By E or - United States

Today, I flew a toy airplane into my face. FML

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By Cornbreesha - United States

Today, a mall cop tore up my 'Free hugs' sign. FML

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By pimpdaddyX - Malaysia - Shah Alam

Today, trying to be smooth, I slipped the girl I like a piece of paper with my phone number written on it. A while later, she slipped it back to me and left the room. FML

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By AnxietyGirl - United States - Parker

Today, I had to admit that I desperately need anti-anxiety medication. Apparently, when you walk around a grocery store avoiding eye contact and generally acting "sketchy", management will call the police on you, who will then pat you down to be sure you aren't shoplifting. FML

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By "sanza666"

Today, I shattered a coffee pot at work and ended up with a piece of glass in my eye. Now I have to look like a pirate until its healed, and it's nowhere near Halloween. FML

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By UnexpectedMom - 31/12/2020 02:01

The fertility dance worked

Today, I'm currently 9 months pregnant with my second child within 3 years. I was told by 4 different doctors over the course of the past 5 years that I'm incapable of having kids, due to a medical condition that affects my reproductive system. FML

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By smells like ass

Today, my brother tried to ninja-kick his dirty underwear up into his hand. He failed and it landed on my face. FML

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By douchegamer - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, after an argument with my pianist girlfriend about how bad my favourite song would sound on the piano, she stormed out of the room crying, leaving behind a CD. It was the piano version of the song she'd made for me. FML

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By Congrats to me - United States - Canton

Today, the only person in my entire family to show up sober and on time to my graduation was my grandma. FML

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By chassezlenaturel - Belgium

Today, my husband used the vacuum cleaner. Proud of him for this first-ever initiative, I congratulated him. His second initiative was to stick the nozzle on my ass, yelling, "Liposuction!" FML

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Top comments

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7657869 - Saturday 7 July 2018 2:40

"Yeah? At least I don't have a micro dick."

By real life problems | 26

#7663705 - Thursday 19 July 2018 20:41

Oh no.. poor you.. what a horrible FML

COMMENTS

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7657869 - Saturday 7 July 2018 2:40

"Yeah? At least I don't have a micro dick."

By real life problems | 26

#7663705 - Thursday 19 July 2018 20:41

Oh no.. poor you.. what a horrible FML

By wanted_2_want | 40

#7663736 - Thursday 19 July 2018 21:39

Ahhh! Nothing like the refreshing greetings of long time not seen relatives!

Makes you want to turn around a leave. Right!?!?

By Davros | 12

#7663737 - Thursday 19 July 2018 21:39

....and I see you still have the charm of a 1 legged hooker with a lisp.

By Cody Vertigo Bonthoux | 15

#7663748 - Thursday 19 July 2018 22:27

"yeah and you look more like a rat so not much has changed"

By chris_lillo | 15

#7663751 - Thursday 19 July 2018 22:31

You have said it perfectly "true brotherly love!"

By RichardPencil | 30

#7663818 - Friday 20 July 2018 3:22

This could be a relief or a scare depending on whether he’s a plumpa humpa, aka, a chubby chaser.

By PhoenixChick | 26

#7664103 - Friday 20 July 2018 15:52

Now as the bigger of the two, you can finally eat your brother and become the even bigger only child.

By PhoenixChick | 26

#7664104 - Friday 20 July 2018 15:52

At least people can tell you apart now?

By indienerdgirl | 27

#7664287 - Saturday 21 July 2018 2:14

Okay first thats a dick move. Secondly I have a twin bro and I'm bigger than him. But once he gained weight and got a beer gut I laughed so hard at every change I got. Funniest part is he knew I did too 😂😂😂